A Painful Goodbye

[Monty Pendleton]

This has been a long time coming, but it's still pretty heart-breaking to write!

HNZ has been a huge part of my life since I was 12 years old. Without HNZ, I would be a completely different person, and though that might sound exaggerative it is 100% the truth. My friends, my job, my writing, and my confidence have all been massively influenced by this site, and I am so grateful for how it shaped me.

Dangit, I thought I wouldn't cry hahaha!!

There were nights when I stayed up until 7am plotting over Skype and Discord, laughing til my face hurt. There were days (weeks, months, years) when I escaped depression and anxiety by absorbing myself in my characters' lives. Writing Monty, especially, was very healing. I was going through some of the bleakest years of my life when I created him. I thought I would never achieve anything. I hated myself. My anxiety was horrendously out of control and I could barely leave my own house. It was terrible, and writing was all I had.

I could go into such long detail about how writing Monty helped me, but I'll keep it short and sweet . I challenged myself in so many ways, pushed myself to do things I had never thought myself capable of doing. I learned to take control of what I could and let go of what I couldn't. And maybe most importantly, I learned to be kind to myself, and to love myself for the things that made me feel different and weird and lesser. I am not lesser! We all have something unique and important to offer. I know that now.

Leaving HNZ is painful. It feels like the end of Monty, the end of a journey, the end of so many wonderful things (though of course, it won't be the end of friendships!). But the truth is, I have reached the end of a journey. RPing doesn't bring me the same joy that it used to, and when I have free time to write, I tend to want to work on solo projects. I've been hanging on for the last few years, trying to re-capture that old excitement, but it's starting to feel like I'm walking the same stretch of road over and over when there's plenty more road ahead still to explore. Ya, this part of the road is familiar and paved with amazing memories, but it's time to move on.

I'm probably going to go and cry for a little while, now. :'p I'll be forever grateful for the time I spent here, for the people who made it such a warm, welcoming place, for the friendships I've made and the lessons I've learned.

You'll see me around while I collate old biographies and RPs that I might want to re-read some day, but after that, I'll be gone. Please don't hesitate to reach out on Discord if you want to stay in touch (PM me if you want my username!) - I'll do my best too, even though I can be shockingly bad at it.

Take care, everyone. Lots of love,
~Clairey

 

[Amber Chou Wilson]

Ahhh Claire this was so well-written and I'm proud of you for writing down your feelings. I'll miss seeing you around, but I think it's smart to focus on things that bring you joy and make you happy. I bet your projects are great. You've made a huge impact on HNZ and won't be easily forgotten, and I'll always cherish the RP's we had. Good luck out there and please do bother me on discord because I'm also shockingly bad at that!

Good luck Claire!

 

[Professor Killian Borisyuk]

Not going to lie, this was hard to read. Not because of the writing, but because I knew the intention as soon as I saw the title.

I'll always wonder "what might have been" if Styx and Monty kept threading. If they would have come together as strange friends, or if we'd have another grave on the board - it was a 50/50 chance. They will forever be a guilty pleasure of mine. A ship that could have sailed in an alternate universe, or canon who knows.

I am also bad at discord, but if you ever want to vent, talk, game, or share odd memes you found on the internet, I'll be around. Might even poke you today. If I can get a controller to work.

 

[Ainsley Lynch]

Oh wow Claire, I'm going to miss you so much! I completely understand your reasons for leaving, as hard as it must be. Well done knowing what you need to do to move forward.

You've left such a massive mark on HNZ both IC and OOC, from Monty's amazing legacy to all your hard work as a GM, to your amazing personality and all the years of friendship. You should be so, so proud of everything you've accomplished on this site.

I'm absolutely down to keep in touch on Discord (though I'll also have to work on the whole 'starting conversations' thing ) Wishing you nothing but luck and joy for whatever life has to bring next.

 

[Aine Thompson]

Aw Claire, I'm sorry to see you go (and I'm also sorry that I am terrible at discord too as I would have liked to talk and plot more with you), but good on you for recognizing what you need. If it's not enjoyable for you to RP then you shouldn't force yourself to do it. I wish you all the best with your solo projects and I hope that you do find ventures and hobbies that bring you joy and fulfilment.

And of course, we'll all be here if you do want to pop in and say hello, even without RPing! I'm not going to pretend I'm confident enough to actually message you on discord but I'll try to if only to hear that you're doing well and taking care of yourself. Go well.

 

[Professor Adorah Zumwalt]

Claire!

I know I've said it before, but you were the first person to reach out to me when I came back, and if you hadn't I'm not sure I would still be on the site. I wish we had RPed more, but I definitely understand where you're coming from. Once one chapter ends, another begins. I am also on Discord and would love to stay connected. I hope that you are able to enjoy writing once again and be excited about it!

All the best, friend! <3

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Thank you all so much for the kind messages they mean a lot to me, I'm emotional all over again reading them haha. I'll miss you all, but I am determined to stay in touch <3 or at least drop by and say hi sometimes!

Much love to you all xx