Closed Definitely not a date

Casper listened to Linden talk, his heart aching with all the regrets Linden listed. Cas smiled at the last question, pulling away to brush Lindens hair back. "I'm sure we can think of something," he promised softly, tracing his fingers down Lindens jaw.

Casper's breath caught as Linden leaned in to kiss him again. And as tempted as he was, Casper still stopped him, placing his fingers gently on Lindens lips. "Why don't you make it up to me by demolishing that pillow wall tonight?" He asked with a coy grin. "I've been aching to cuddle with you for so long. I think it would be the perfect way to end today, don't you?" He asked. Before Linden could respond, Casper leaned in and stole that kiss anyway, liking the idea of getting cuddles and a kiss.
 
Linden knew that he was drunk. He had to be. What other excuse did he have for this? There is no way either of them would be this uninhibited and free with their hands bodies lips and words sober. But it seemed to be exactly what they had needed. He felt the cool air against him as cas pulled back reminding him that he was without his coat and it was snowing which he quickly forgot with the tingles through each of his follicles when cas ran his hands through his hair.

As he went in to kiss cas he felt something wrong. Caspers finger against his mouth before he could get there. He blinked. Looking at cas before he spoke. “Done. Whose idea was that wall anyway?” He said though his potentially untasteful joke about it being the second most important wall to come down in recent history was lost in his mouth as Casper kissed him. He put his hands around Caspers's waist in an unsuccessful attempt to move him onto his lap. Which, given his current state, was possibly not a smart move anyway. He smiled up at Cas words forming in his mind that he wasn’t brave enough to say even though he had said them many times before in a different context. Instead, he smiled. “Tara will be insufferable” he murmured he chuckled thinking what would happen when their sister found out.
 
Casper slipped into Lindens lap when he felt the other man's encouragement, pressing closer and laying his arms over Lindens shoulders. He was going to have to drink that hot chocolate more often if this was the result. He ignored Lindens question, because they both knew the answer, and ignored Lindens comment about Tara. Cas had other things on his mind, like getting the attention and affection he'd been so desperately craving for so long.

Cas leaned down, catching Lindens lips with his, deepening the kiss and snuggling close. One hand played idly with Lindens hair, the other gripping his shoulder. Cas was in no hurry to move, wrapped up in their little bubble of warmth away from the world.
 
Linden felt cas move to sit on his lap. He looked up at him Cas was already taller than him and now the difference was emphasised with him sitting up there. He slipped his hands around Caspers waist between Caspers coat and his jacket. And there was Cas kissing with an intensity that he wasn’t used to hands in his hair and holding onto him. Finn kissed freely and making out was easy but there was no real emotion behind it. Lucas was more reserved as if not wanting to make a display. And Alexei, well they had been young, kissing had been cute and sweet but not this intense. This was an overflow of affection that really took him by surprise all he could do is kiss back wrapped up in him in a bubble of their own creation.

Unfortunately, bubbles aren't solid and theirs burst when his attention was drawn by an elderly German couple holding food and drinks and a couple of bags complaining loudly about tourists and young people and public displays of affection in English as if wanting to be overheard. How could they not see how important and world-changing that kiss had been?

He held cas for a moment longer. “As much as i never want to move. this bench is cold and hard and people are waiting for the table.” he whispered flicking his eyes at the couple as though whispering would reduce the blow of the words.
 
Casper was absolutely not paying attention to anything but Linden, and pouted when Linden suggested they needed to get up. He sighed softly, stealing one last kiss before shifting out of the man's lap and stood, stretching before he offered his hand out to Linden.

Once they were on there feet and moving, Cas had time to think again, despite having a firm hold of Lindens hand in his. There were a million things running through his mind, and deciding to try and take advantage of the freedom the hot chocolate seemed to have given him, Cas looked over to Linden again. "hey," Cas started slowly. "What are we now?" He asked, squeezing Lindens hand gently.
 
Lin felt so happy as Cas quickly kissed him again. Despite the few hitches tonight was perfect. Better than he had expected it to be. He twisted and picked up his new book to be sure that the couple who were already making themselves at home on the free bench and had already started eating didn't slop food on it or mess it up. He peeped at another page and remembered them getting ready together for the Halloween feast back in one of the early years. A memory that he had almost forgotten but there it was in watercolour. Them trying on each other's hats. And pulling funny faces. “This present is incredible. I can’t wait to examine it properly” he said giving cas a peck on the cheek as he stood up. He rewrapped the gift more to protect it and put it into his bag before donning his gloves, picking up their empty cups and rubbish and taking Caspers hand “I know we are meant to take the cups back. But should we keep them?” he asked. They were cute. And well worth the couple of euros that they would get back for returning them.

Once they were moving back through the crowds of reality he looked at Casper wondering what he was thinking. The answer to that thought came in the form of a question. He squeezed Caspers hand back. And thought for a moment. “What do you want us to be?” he asked leaving it up to cas not wanting to mess up with another assumption as he looked at him so that he could read him a little better,
 
Cas shot Lin a look as he asked about the cups. "Don't even think about it," he countered. Those were their cups now. Cas was too sentimental to just give them back. What a ridiculous question. He blushed as Lin complimented the present, laughing lightly. "I didn't want Tara picking at it before you got a good look at it," he told Linden. At Lindens question, Cas bit his lip, thinking about it.

"What I want?" He repeated softly. He ran his thumb absently against Lindens hand. "I want to cuddle. Like all the time. I'd rather just move into your bed and sleep in your shirts." He mused. "I want to hold your hand and get lots of kisses." Cas could have gone on, but he held back, and instead he just sighed. "But we probably shouldn't. Not right now anyway. We're still sharing a dorm with your ex. And Lucas is already pissy. The last thing anyone needs is for him to be hostile the rest of the year." Cas sighed. "He's mad at me more often than he isn't anyway. He would absolutely kick my ass." Cas pouted.
 
Linden smiled at Casper's response. “That’s what i thought. Just give me a second” he said letting go of his hands and putting them inside his hoodie pocket. Putting his other hand in the other side to take his wand two quick charms later and they were clean enough to put in the bag without worrying about them dripping all over Casper's artwork. And then took Casper's hand again squeezing it.

He smiled and blushed slightly as Cas said he didn't want tara to see it before he had a chance to examine it. “Thank you. I will make sure I keep it away from her” he said though they both knew she had them around her little finger. And if she wanted to see it then there was only so long before she saw it.

He wasn’t quite sure what he was expecting Casper to say to his question. Well, that was a lie. He was hoping he would say boyfriends but wasn’t sure if he would. What he hadnt expected was an entire talk about what he wanted. Lin bit his lip a little taken aback. “We may have to work on that. ‘Cuddle all the time with lots of kisses, and sleep in my bed in my shirt but not in front of my ex because he can be angsty’ may be a little long and specific to say in conversation” he said chuckling. “Should we head back to the hostel or do you want to stay here any longer?” he asked. He felt like he had seen the festival and just wanted to spend time with Casper without people interrupting them but if Cas wanted to stop for anything they could do that, they had all evening.
 
Cas took Lindens hand again as soon as it was available, the hot chocolate wearing off enough that his worries started to creep back in. What had even happened tonight? Without meaning to, Casper had started to draw away again, folding in on himself as his mind caught back up to him, reality seeming to crash into him as they walked more, the moment they'd been in fading like a sweet dream he'd had the bad luck of waking up from. "We… should probably head back, yeah?” He asked softly, keeping quiet as they headed back to the hotel.

Cas washed his face and changed into his pyjamas. Thinking the night would probably be like it had been the night before, Cas just crawled onto his side of the bed, pulling up the blankets and hiding under the covers. He wasn’t really sure what had happened. He cuddled one of his pillows, chewing his lip as he thought.
 
Linden nodded as Cas said that they should go back. Picking up his bag and their purchases before they slowly made their way back to the hostel. They were both so lost in thought. Cas seemed to be clamming up as they walked closing inside himself again leaving his hand as his only lifeline, one that lin laced his fingers through and squeezed to let him know it was still there. They were so caught up they ended up missing the right stop on the train and had to walk through the city filled with Christmas lights and carols and snow the last bit of the way. His arm was around Cas's shoulders and the two of them helping each other along, laughing and taking a few snapshots as they went.

When they got to the hostel he let Cas use the bathroom first and moved all the pillows back into place and straightened the quilt before sitting on the side of their bed looking through the book cas had given him. So many pages, so many beautiful artworks. Each one more special than the last and just as special as the next. He had only made it through a few pages when cas reappeared in his pyjamas looking all clean and shiny. And he shut the book taking his own turn in the bathroom.

When he returned he couldn't see cas. What he could see was a Casper sized lump in the middle of the bed with the blankets all tucked up around him. He smiled and shook his head, picking up his camera to take a picture. He had booked two twin rooms. But the hostel had somehow mixed up their booking and given them a twin and a double. Tara had been quick to take the twin claiming that she rolled around far too much to share a bed, especially with her mum especially the first time she met her. Which had left him and cas with the double which apparently wasn't the kind of double that hotels could split into twins if needed. The previous night they had taken a side each and cas had made a pillow wall down the middle but tonight it was no longer there. cas was making the wall in a very different way. He got onto the bed and made his way next to Cas half lying next to him and part on top shifting his weight slightly as he felt the pillow. “Are you going to let me into bed, caserpillar?” he whispered to the area that he hoped was cas’ head.
 
Casper shut his eyes, both comforted and surprised as Linden laid on him. Cas peeked out, looking at Linden then over to realize he was in the middle of the bed. "Oh, sorry," he apologized, wiggling over to the edge of the bed to give Linden room to lay down. He didn't say much else, thinking the other man would just want to sleep. Cas wasn't sure he could sleep, he was so twisted up inside. So much had happened, none of which he understood. And he was fairly certain he would have his heart broken when the sun was up again. Shining light on what was no doubt nothing more than a dream meant for the night.
 
Linden would have thought that cas would have peeked out from under the blankets instead he just tried to shuffle away. He put a hand on the far side of the casopiller bringing himself up on hands and knees. He lifted one hand up and used it to pull the blanket away from Caspers face hovering over him and smiling at his tousled hair and ruffled expression. “you can stay where you are, but a little bit of blanket and maybe my pillow would be nice. It is going to be cold out here otherwise, especially when you promised cuddles” he said suppressing a grin. Of course, if outside of the magic of the market cas didn't want to cuddle he wouldn't make him so long as he shared some of the blankets. Otherwise, he would be in for a cold night.
 
Cas was surprised when Linden both cut off his escape and pulled the blanket down. He looked up at Linden, his blue eyes a little wide. He swallowed nervously. "Okay…" he agreed, and for a brief moment reached his hand up, wanting to touch Linden, but worry and doubt stopped him. Cas hesitated, drawing his hand back quickly and looking away, clutching the misbehaving hand to his chest and biting his lip. Behave, Casper. he scolded himself. He made room for Linden, motioning for the man to lay in bed, biting his lip. "We um... We don't have to cuddle if... If you don't want to." He offered quietly, looking bashful.
 
Linden saw Casper move his hand towards him and thoughts of what was about to happen flashed through his mind until he pulled his hand away as though he was something too hot to be touched looking so nervous he wondered if he knew how adorable it was. He lowered himself slightly “Of course, i want to. I’m here, I’m yours, I’m not going to vanish or turn into smoke. You dont have to be scared to touch me,” he said he was close enough he could feel Caspers breath on the air between them.
 
Casper was torn. He peeked up at Linden, uncertain. "I…" he bit his lip, his hands tightening together against his chest. "I shouldn't," he managed, looking away sadly. "I'm not supposed to… For years I…" Cas took a shaky breath, shutting his eyes. "I'm not allowed to touch anyone," He spoke softly. "I'm so clingy… I've always been so clingy, if- If I slip up…" he shook his head, biting his lip a little harder. Despite his protests, Casper leaned up, sliding his hands up Lindens shoulders and kissing him lightly. Almost testing. Trying. Seeing how Linden would react to the affection.
 
Lin brushed the hair out of caspers face as cas debated with himself kissing him lightly on the forehead. if he had come to a conclusion because a few moments later Casper's hands were then on his shoulders. And he was being kissed. He lowered himself on top of the blanket and kissed back. Deepening it trying to show how certain he was about this.

After a moment he pulled away slightly. “You can. You have full permission to cling to me, however, whenever you want to. So long as I can hold onto you too” he said. In his mind there were some exceptions they were more of the practical in nature than emotional. “can i come under the blanket” he asked waiting for cas to let him before slipping under trying not to let too much of the cool air in as he did even though the cold clung to his clothes. He put his arms around cas and held him close making sure to position himself so that things wouldn't get awkward. “You won't slip up. You can’t slip up. I, I’m sorry for before.” he whispered as he held cas ready to back off the moment Casper froze, pulled away or told him to.
 
Cas shifted a hand into Lindens hair, relaxing as they kissed. He whined softly as the man pulled away, opening his eyes to pout at Linden. "You better hold onto me too,' " he countered. Casper's breath caught as Linden shifted under the blanket next to him. He knew in the back of his mind he should pull away, but Linden got to him. In a way no one ever had before.

Cas shifted into it, wrapping around Linden and nuzzling his nose in Lindens hair. "What are you sorry for?" Cas questioned softly, relaxing completely. "I'm the one always messing up. I'm just… I don't want to do the wrong thing and push you away." He admitted, trailing his fingers into Lindens hair. "You've felt so far away for so long…" Cas sighed, pressing closer.
 
Linden felt Casper relax in his hold and move towards him. He tightened his hold on cas and breathed him in. Even so long since he had been in his studio he still smelled like paints mixed with cold air and cinnamon from the festival with his soap and something that could be sweetpea or cherry blossom or apple, a combination that felt to him like home. “I’m sorry for ever making you feel like you weren’t enough. For taking this long to realise how important you are. And for giving you mixed messages all semester” he said. Relaxing himself towards cas as he felt hands in his hair glad that it was starting to grow out again. It had been too short before. “You aren’t going to mess up, I’ve messed up at least as much as you have. And you have not been the one pushing me away” he said emphasising the you and me at the end. before kissing whatever part of Caspers neck/collar/shoulder/ chest his lips were against. “That is another thing I am sorry for. But I am here now. As close as you want me” he said
 
Cas listened to Linden, smiling softly. "You don't need to apologize," he offered gently, squeezing Linden a little bit in his arms. He rolled his eyes at the last comment, though he hummed happily at the kiss. "I've been in love with you for years, dumbass. What makes you think you can get rid of me?" He grumbled, mostly to himself, so relaxed he forgot to censor his thoughts.
 
Linden felt cas give him a squeeze. And moved so that he could look at him. He wished he hadn't as cas spoke again. How could he hear that? He thought of all the times he had said that he loved cas over the years. The number of times he had said it to Cas always with the disclaimer of him being his brother being his best friend. It had taken him this long to realise that he hadn't needed the disclaimer. That he loved Casper because he loved Casper. “Oh fusk. I really am a dumbass aren’t I” he said moving slightly and kissing Casper again. “What makes you think I’d want to” he murmured into Caspers lips knowing then that it was more true than he had thought.
 
Casper didn't realize what he'd said until Linden reacted. He brought his hands up, cupping Lindens face and kissing him back sweetly. He smiled softly at the comment. He brushed his thumb over Lindens jaw. "You are a massive dumbass," he countered, before pulling back to catch Lindens eye. Casper took a breath to steady himself, before peeking back up at Linden shyly, through his lashes and through his messy bangs. "I love you, Linden," Casper offered gently, his heart thundering in his chest. "I have for a long time. I've buried it and tried to move on but I just- no matter what I do you smile at me and I- I fall in love with you all over again," he admitted quietly.
 
Linden felt Caspers kiss. How soft it was. His thumb on his jaw. His hands were busy one tangled in Caspers hair. The other holding him close. He smiled as Cas called him a dummass. He really was. As cas pulled back he propped himself up looking at the man next to him. the man with the big blue eyes, and messy golden hair. He smiled when cas said he loved him. And was about to kiss him until cas continued talking. He could feel his face getting warmer as cas spoke. “Oh, cas... I…” he said leaning forwards going slowly and gently kissing him in the corner of his jaw. Just under his ear. This was cas he was talking about, he didn't want to use him just because he could. And saying that he loved him now, felt like more of a reflex than anything else.
 
Casper heart was thundering in his chest. He hadn't felt this vulnerable in a long time. He waited, his breath caught in his throat, needing Linden to say it back to him. To affirm what Casper thought they had. But the words didn't come. Caspers heart broke as Linden kissed his skin, his throat and eyes burning. Again. Again. What were you thinking? He's drunk, he's in love with Lucas still. You're the replacement. Why would he love you? He will never be in love with you. Cas stammered a bit. "I... it's been a long day," he managed softly, his voice surprisingly steady. "Goodnight, Lin," Cas managed, wiggling free and rolling over, turning his back on Linden and hiding behind his hair as he drew back into himself. Cas clutched at his pillow, trying to push his emotions down again.
 
Linden could tell he had messed up again the second his lips touched Casper. He seemed to freeze up before retreating away from him leaving a cool space in the area his warmth had been. He closed his eyes and took a breath. “Cas” he said. Following him towards his side of the bed moulding himself around the curl of Caspers back and wrapping an arm around him. “Of course I love you. Has there ever been any doubt of that? I don’t love you less now just… different” he said to the soft fabric on the back of caspers pyjama top.
 
Casper tensed when Linden curled around him, his eyes watering. He took a slow breath. "I know you do," he offered softly. He knew Linden loved him. But he knew Linden wasn't in love with him. He could hear the difference between how Linden said it to him and how Linden had said it to Lucas. Cas wasn't sure what to think. He had said too much. He knew he had. Why had he let himself be so open with Linden? Cas chewed his lip, his gut as twisted up as his mind.
 
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