Closed Definitely not a date

Linden smiled as they took a seat casper opposite him the gold light making his hair glow. He took his cup and was about to reheat it with a sneaky charm though the table when he felt that cas had already done that. He took a sip and smiled. It was arm not just temperature but in flavour too. “That is good” he said repeating caspers sentiment.

“Just keep an eye out you occasionally get a bad one” he said taking a chestnut and opening it only to find it all wrinkled and brown. He left it with the shells and picked another. This one was good and he ate it before looking at cas then around at the sitting area. “Yeah it is” he said. Before the two boys sat in a comfortable silence together as they ate their snack and slowly drank the gluhwein. Linden wasn't sure what was in it but he liked it. He would have to work out how to make it as it would be so nice at home come winter. He could picture it. Just them, Tara, Stan, Willow, maybe Chante and Len. Chilling out. Maybe playing a game or just sitting next to the fire and talking and drinking on this stuff. Maybe even roasting chestnuts too. The idea just seemed so, as his farmor would say, Koseling. A perfect moment. A moment that couldnt last forever as there was something more important to discuss. He took another mouthful of the mulled wine before he spoke again.

He took a deep breath “So, what are we going to say happened tonight?” he said “you know tara will be asking us. And to me this hasn’t been nothing” he continued putting his own thoughts out before casper could hide or clam up or run away.
 
Cas chuckled when Linden warned him about the chestnuts before immediately getting a bad one. “Like that?” He teased him, sipping his drink again. Cas had just picked up another chestnut when Linden spoke again. Cas could feel the flush in his cheeks. He swallowed hard, dropping the chestnut and looking away. He stammered a minute, before clearing his throat and trying again. “I- um- thats… what has it been then?” He asked, picking at an invisible thread on the sleeve of Lindens’ hoodie.
 
Linden laughed at caspers teasing about the chestnut “yes. Exactly like that” he said.

Part of him regretted making the conversation serious as he watched caspers face. But he knew now would be the best time to talk about it. While it was still fresh. Before they could rationalise or hide from it. “Well it is up to you of course. But to me. Well it has felt kind of like a date.” he said biting his lip and blushing slightly wondering how cas would react.
 
Cas blushed impossibly deeper at Linden’s words, scratching his cheek and looking away. “Um, er…” He stammered, biting his lip. “I… I wouldn’t know.” He told Lin softly. "It's kinda lame, but this… this is the closest I've ever been to an actual date. God, my love life is poop." He chuckled darkly, shaking his head. "I think the closest I got to… well, anything, was the summer between fourth and fifth year, I spent most of it at this old treehouse I found with Sebastian."

Cas took another sip of his drink. "I had it pretty bad fairly early in, but I was sure he'd forget me when the break ended so I didn't do anything. Course, he never did. I was right, technically. He transferred in and then spent all of fifth year pretending I didn't exist." Cas shook his head.

"Then I spent sixth year secretly making out with Sebastian and Lysander. Lysander told me that's what friends do." Cas sighed, looking away, his hair falling to cover his eyes. "I figured the secret fling is the best I'm good for." He muttered, half to himself, before peeking up at Linden. He looked away again just as quickly.
 
Linden listened as casper began to speak outlining his thoughts on tonight he opened his mouth to say something but stopped as cas continued to talk. Outlining the woes of his love life. As cas finished he leaned forward annoyed with the table between them. Why hadn’t he sat next to cas. The etiquette of two people sitting at a table was always confusing. "you deserve far more than to be ignored, or used as a secret fling” He reached slightly awkwardly and brushed the hair out of cas’s face something he was beginning to wonder if is was more for his benefit than Caspers. As he must otherwise be brushing hair out of his face all the time when lin wasn’t around. This is it he thought, no going back now he thought as he looked cas in the eyes. “Would you want tonight to be a date? A proper date, our first date” he said the note of hope in his tone. . Hoping that he sounded sincere and that it didn’t sound like the pretty words he was often accused of employing to cheer cas up.
 
Cas didn't realize he was buzzed, the warmth in his chest having grown as he kept sipping on his drink. When Lin brushed his hair back, he unintentionally leant into it, shutting his eyes for a second before turning to look at Linden.

At Lindens words, Cas looked away again. "I… I don't know, Lin." He fidgeted with his drink. "You were sucking Finns face off last week. You've spent years making sure I know exactly where we stand. What I am." Cas let out a shaky breath. "And we both know as soon as Lucas pulls his head out of his rear you'll go running back to him. You love him. I don't… I don't want to be the placeholder just keeping you warm until someone better comes along… and I don't want this to just be a pity date." Cas admitted gently, avoiding mentioning his feelings entirely and instead just focusing on Lindens. "I've pretty much accepted that I'm perpetually single, Lin, it's okay." He tried to reassure his friend.
 
Linden felt casper move towards his touch and thought for a second it was going to be that easy. Not that he thought cas was easy. But that he could be that convincing he would be able to convince cas of his feelings that easily. But then cas raised his concerns from earlier in the night at the bar. “Oh cas. I was using Finn. To make sure that you weren’t just a rebound.” He said. The. He tittered slightly “as for Lucas. He had his chance. And I think we can both agree we are better as friends. I was his placeholder.” He said. The thought was not one he had thought of before but it made sense. How hard he had to pursue him to date him only to be dated when things got messy with Kasim.

he shook his head as cas did he didn’t want a pity date. ”No, not a pity date. A proper genuine rom-com, I try and win you a giant stuffed toy from one of the arcade stands and you laugh at me for how bad my aim is and tell me it’s a good job I’m a keeper not a chaser kind of date. And I can’t be mad at you because you are so adorable and give you the tiniest teddy possible that i managed to win.” he said, finishing quickly. Wishing that the table wasn’t there though maybe it was a good thing it was there so that he would only make a fool out of himself with words and not by holding or kissing cas again. or even, as the mental picture went kneeling and asking for the date like cas was some princess that needed a prince to come and save him.
 
Casper could feel his cheeks heating as Linden kept talking. He was silent for a second after Linden finished, debating. He wanted to believe it. Really, he did. But Linden had spent years pounding it into Casper's head where they stood. It wasn’t easy to just discount so many years of pushing down his feelings, of convincing himself there was never any hope, that he never had a chance.

Casper cleared his throat, reaching over and taking Lindens drink. "Okay, you must be drunker than I thought ." He replied. "Why don't you just open your present?" He offered instead, reaching into his bag and taking out the carefully wrapped box.

He slid it across the table. "First of all, in my defense, your bag spilled everywhere and I found it picking up your stuff." He told Linden. When Lin tried to protest, Cas cut him off. “I know it’s early, just open it. I don’t want Tara around when you do. I worked really hard on it,” He told Linden with a shy smile. It was a portfolio. The cover was a watercolor dragon- the dragon Linden had drawn. Cas had drawn and painted around it, turning it into something gorgeous, something they had done together- even if Lin didn't know it yet.

Inside were art pieces of all of their biggest memories. A redone picture of the baby bird Linden had once saved and Cas had drawn, the bird in Lindens hands. Them under the tree by the lake. Each of the banners Cas had drawn for Linden at Quidditch. A piece around Linden coming to see Cas when he'd run away. Cas had been working on it for ages.
 
Linden tried to read Casper's face. But he couldn't. It wasn’t until Cas took his drink that he grabbed it back. That was when he realised what Cas must have been thinking. “No that’s not it. Maybe slightly less inhibited. But not THAT drunk, he said. even if he was drunk wasn't the saying that drunk tongues tell sober truths. And I am serious. It doesn’t have to be a date. But I will make it as fun as any date you ever go on” he continued reaching his still half-full cup back.

He was distracted when Cas asked him to open his present. “but It’s not Christmas yet” he said. ”You only got yours early because I thought it would be more fun to go before Christmas and i don’t have a time-turner” he said pushing the package back. However, Cas’s disclaimer and subsequent insistence that he open it here encouraged him to carefully undo the spellotape and open it. Besides if Cas put that much work into it it was important and he was curious as to what he didn’t want Tara to see him open.

Inside was an art book with a dragon on the front. He leaned forward to see it closer as the light here was not the best. He wondered if they were secluded enough for a sneaky Lumos if he pretended it was a small torch. “hang on is this. I had forgotten I had lost that” he said thinking back to his care of magical creatures class where they had gone to see dragons. Cas’ picture was far better than his which had looked like a kid had drawn it. He opened the book and came to the front page which contained a small bird held in hands that he knew were his own. The next page contained Ild and elg. Then over the page was more memories artistically displayed merged together with patterns and colours that made it feel like a flashback scene of the two of them. He only got a few pages in before he had to stop, it was too much. Especially here he wanted to take time and appreciate every page every colour every pencil stroke and brush stroke. He looked across at cas his eyes damp and a tear slowly rolling down his cheek. “oh my god cas you shouldn’t have” he said
 
Cas' mind was racing. Linden wasn't serious. He couldn't be. A thousand things flashed through his mind. He bit his lip as he considered what Linden was saying. Cas was quiet at first, but soon managed to find his words. "You're everything to me." He spoke softly, carefully. "Don't… I…" Cas took a small breath. "You've been shutting me down for years, Lin." Cas looked over to Linden across the table. "Don't do something I can't come back from." He managed softly, his voice breaking.

Cas didn’t understand. He had buried every feeling he’d ever had for Linden, shoved them so far back that hopefully they’d never see the light of day again. Cas should have known better. Linden had this way of getting past every defence, every barrier Cas had ever had.

Cas let Linden look over the book, smiling softly. “It’s everything, all our lives so far, or at least everything I’ve been around for,” He replied lightly. “I’ve been working on it for months.” He told Linden, biting his lip and brushing his hair back. A bit pointless really as it just fell back into his eyes.
 
Linden couldn’t believe he was actually here having this conversation with cas. “You have so much more in your life. I am lucky that you want me to just be a part of it.” he said he shook his head slightly as cas said that he had been shutting him down for years. He knew he had. He had actively been trying to tell cas that loved him as a brother. But the last few months he had come to the conclusion that it was something different. “I won’t do anything unless you ask me to, but i am yours”

He listened as cas said how he had worked on it for months. He knew cas well enough to believe that. But also couldn't believe it. So much effort. “You didn’t need to,” he said then paused. “How did you manage to keep it a secret for so long. Especially with me in the arts room studying so much” he said. Thinking. He often sat there studying. While Cas painted.

It took a little more effort than usual. All long legs and unsteady feet to get out of the bench seat he moved around so that he was next to cas facing the opposite way so his back was against the table and he was facing cas. “It is amazing I love.. it” he said wrapping his arms around him

He really wanted to kiss him but after what he had said he wasn’t sure if cas wanted it. “Can I kiss you now?” He asked. Looking at cas so close he could feel his breath.
 
Cas chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. “I may have forgotten how to sleep. You know, hiding behind the curtains with some candles and all that.” He admitted bashfully, smiling shyly at Linden. “Of course I needed to. Didn’t I just say that you’re everything to me?” He added a bit softer, looking away.

He blushed as Linden moved across to sit with him, looking over to him. Cas could just feel his heart beating, like it was about to burst from his chest. He shivered when Lin wrapped his arms around him, his own hands drifting up to clutch gently at Lindens shoulder blades. His breath caught at Lindens question. He couldn’t find the words to respond. He was stammering, completely lost.

He peeked up at the other boy through his hair. Cas bit his lip. There was only one thing he really wanted to do now, but he was afraid to. Cas leaned in a little, uncertain, his gaze flashing down to Lindens lips and back up to his eyes, hopefully his question clear. Cas shifted, bringing one hand up to rest his fingers gently on Lindens neck. “Please?” Cas asked softly, almost pleading, still worried that Linden was going to pull away again, change his mind, realize how bad of an idea this was.
 
Linden smiled to himself as cas said that he may have forgotten how to sleep. “ you need to look after yourself Casper” he said through his words were more filled with affection than true chiding.

Cas’ arms were warm around him his hand on his back between his shoulder and breath in lindens hair. He felt a shiver go down his spine that had nothing to do with the Bavarian winter night. But here with cas he was - home. The quiet moment passed as Casper found his words, well words. One word that made the tears that had been lingering in his eyes spill out into Caspers scarf and his jacket. But the warmth that he felt on the back of his neck made it better and soothed them away. He shifted positions slightly before leaning in the rest of the way and kissing him. His lips tender underneath his own.
 
Cas didn’t have anymore time to think- or overthink, rather, when Linden kissed him. Cas melted, leaning into Linden. He was lost in the kiss, the warmth that filled him stronger than the alcohol they’d been drinking all night. It was different than anything that he’d experienced. In that moment, Cas believed everything Linden had been saying.

Casper whimpered softly, the hand on Lins neck drifting into his hair. Cas didn’t realise he’d forgotten how to breath until he was so light headed he had to pull back, gasping for air as he buried his face in Lindens neck. Cas sighed softly, scooting closer to nuzzle in against Linden. It was several moments before Cas could speak. “That was- um- wow,” he managed softly, tracing his nose up Lindens neck.
 
The kiss was gentle at first giving him time to move if he wanted to but slowly increasing intensity as he could feel the warmth spreading from his lips through his body, he smiled moving the hand that was on the back of Caspers head to the side cupping his cheek in his palm. At last. That kiss had been a long time coming and it felt so right. It felt so much better than kissing Finn at the ball that was for sure, even better than kissing Lucas where he had sometimes felt like a substitute for Connor or Kasim. and it was that thought that told him that he had been right. It was worth risking it all for cas. He broke lip contact in order to catch his breath. Something that cas had somehow this evening managed to steal from him on several occasions. “Was that the answer you wanted?” he asked, a cheeky grin on his face. It shifted to a softer, more happy content smile at Casper's response.

He felt cas move closer to him, something he hadn't thought possible unless he was sitting on his lap but apparently it was. As cas leaned into his shoulder and he rested his cheek on his hair. “It really was” he whispered back gently kissing the spot that was closest to his lips somewhere a couple of inches behind his ears and temple.
 
Cas chucked, sighing softly. “What now?” He asked, bringing his hands down to rest gently on Lindens lower back. Casper hadn’t been this comfortable in ages. Part of him worried, of course, that Linden was just drunk and that this was just a fleeting moment that could end sooner rather than later. But for now at least, it was a very quiet voice that he was content to ignore.

He sighed, smiling softly. He scooted a little bit closer, nuzzling into Linden. “You’re… serious?” He asked gently, peeking up at the other boy again.

Tonight had been an absolute roller coaster of emotions. Cas honestly felt a bit worn out, and emotionally drained. He wasn’t sure what to feel anymore, so he decided to just focus on that moment. And in that particular moment, he was warm. Maybe a bit chilly, but not so much that it bothered him. “You do realize you’re never going to have a hoodie to yourself again, yeah?” Cas teased Linden softly, a smile playing at the corners of his lips.
 
Linden felt caspers chuckle shake him as much as he heard it. He definitely felt cas’ hands move down his back feeling electricity where he touched. “What do you want now” he said his arms tight around his Casper. As he felt his nose and breath against his skin.

He looked at cas as he peered up at him with his big blue eyes. big blue eyes that seemed to be asking more than if he was serious. “Yes casper. I am serious. Cold stone rock hard serious” he said kissing him lightly on the tip of his nose wondering how long he would have to work to convince casper of that. ”I won’t hurt you. I’ve got you and wont let go. Not until you tell me to”. he said. A phrase that had become, his version of ‘as you wish’ from that old muggle movie his sisters had made him watch. He was enjoying this moment of just the two of them. “I think this could be the memory i use for a patronus” he said. Glad that tara had wanted to stay back at the hotel and the fact that the crowd speaking german around them gave the impression that it was just the two of them in somewhat privacy even though logically he knew a lot of, if not most germans spoke english

He chuckled as cas said that he wouldnt have a hoodie to himself ever again. “that ‘s okay. Though you are wearing my jacket not my hoodie. Just be aware you may be sharing some of your scarves too” he said.
 
Cas bit his lip, considering what he wanted. He studied Lindens face, trying to read it, trying to figure out what Linden was thinking. His eyes widened when Linden kissed his nose, his face getting impossibly redder. He looked back up through his hair, his breath catching at Lindens words.

He giggled a bit as Linden talked about his patronus memory. Cas swallowed hard. His heart was just going to burst out of his chest, he was sure of it, it was beating so hard. He let out another breathless laugh as Linden countered, saying he’d steal Cas’ scarves. That sounded…. Really couple-y. Unable to think of a proper answer (almost sure he’d just forgotten how to use words), Cas leaned up and kissed Linden again. He brought a hand up, cupping Lins jaw gently.
 
Linden smiled as caspers face reddened from where he kissed him. Part of him wondered how he would react if he kissed him elsewhere. His forehead, his temple, his jaw, that spot at the base of his ears his neck. He had to stop the thought there before he got carried away. But the thoughts and breath got knocked out of him as cas kissed him, he kissed back his breath a huccough in the back of his throat as cas cupped his jaw. He leaned and pressed a little bit harder against cas deepening the kiss lost in cas and the moment. They broke apart he was smiling “Is that a yes then. Is this our first date?” he asked though he hadnt specifically asked it before he felt like the question had been implied.
 
Cas was completely caught up in the moment. He sighed as Linden deepened the kiss, trailing a hand into the boy- no, the man, definitely the man- Cas trailed his hand into the mans hair, sighing happily. Cas felt just a bit dizzy when Linden pulled back, and leaned his forehead against Lindens. His eyes still shut, Cas let out a shaky sigh. “No.” He answered simply. “No. I don’t want our first date to be a night where I spent most of it denying my feelings, crying because you broke my heart again, and sad as hell because I thought I would never stand a chance.” Cas brushed his fingers along Lindens jaw. “You didn’t ask me on a date, this isn’t a date.” He laughed lightly, still trying to catch his breath.
 
It only took one word from cas to shatter the moment. He had been foolish to think of tonight as a date despite the effort that he had put into it. He had banked on Tara bailing but he had also come up with contingencies for if she had come. But the thought that cas didn’t want this to be a date was more of a blow than he had expected. He hadn’t even heard anything else cas had said too fixated on that one small word. “Oh” he said simply at a loss for words. He guessed it served him right for pushing Cas down. He wasn’t even sure what to think of him as anymore. Brother hadn’t felt right for months. Friend didn't sound anywhere near important enough even best friend felt weak. If Cas didn't want to be his boyfriend, his partner he would have to find another word. Or would his Cas serfice?
 
Cas hesitated a second, sensing Lindens change in tone. His brow furrowed and he brushed his thumb over Lindens cheek. "Lin?" Cas asked softly. "I- I'm sorry…" Cas but his lip. He carefully reached out, his cheeks burning, and slipped the edge of his fingers into Lindens palm, his other fingers touched lightly to his lips. Was Lin already regretting everything?

He looked to Lin, cautious, and reached out to brush his fingers over Lindens cheek. "C'mon, Lin, don't tell me you're regretting this already," Cas spoke, almost pleading, a hint of fear in his eyes.

He cupped Lins jaw in his hand. "I'm sorry if I upset you, really, I just… tonight turned out really well, honestly, but- Linden, it's no fair to call it a date after the fact. Our first date- if you still want to- I just- I want to know about it first. I want to get dressed up for it, look cute for you, I want to spend it close to you. I've spent most of tonight being afraid to touch you, trying to force myself back into a place I thought you wanted me. I don't want to remember our first date as the time I cried because I thought you were going to kiss me and then it broke my heart when you didn't." Cas tried to explain. "Tonight is special, Lin, but does it really have to be labelled as a date to be special?"

His blue eyes searched Lindens face, his touch shaky, fear building up in his chest. Linden was going to take it back. Casper had been too honest, let Linden in too deep, and Linden was going to toss him aside, decide he wasn't worth it after all. Casper's eyes glimmered with tears. Could it really be over just as quickly as it had begun?
 
Linden felt caspers touch. Light on his skin, taunting him. He looked at cas he wasn’t sure how to describe the look. Sad wasn't quite there but it was somewhere in that field. He put his arms around him and shook his head at his apology unsure if Cas could distinguish the movement where his head rested on his shoulders “You don’t appologise. I shouldn’t have made the assumption” he said. Just because he was enjoying himself did not mean that Cas was. Just because he wanted to date Cas didnt mean the feelings were reciprocated. But he also felt Cas put his hand in his so maybe there was hope for the future. He took a deep breath and a sigh as cas asked if he was regretting this already? He hesitated for a moment. Was he regretting it. Yes, he regretted assuming that Cas would want it to be a date. Yes, he was regretting not asking for it to be a date. And a couple of the parts where he had messed up. But on the whole. No. as he had said before up until now he had enjoyed himself immensely. Up until now this not-date would be a perfect thought to feed a patronus “No. I’m not regretting it. Well maybe a couple of small things parts not in all” he said.

As cas held him he felt like he was being examined. Not in a bad way but like a scene being taken in before being replicated on paper. Which, knowing Cas and seeing his amazing present may just be what was happening. He felt a tear well up as Cas spoke. It wasn’t sad or happy. But it was the intimacy of it. The vulnerability of Casper's words he was going to say something but as Cas kept speaking he stopped himself letting him get whatever it was off his chest. “Cas. you don’t have to look dress nice to look cute. You even look cute in that old grey t-shirt you sleep in, the one that has almost worn through” he said smiling at the thought of cas still half asleep in the dorms in the morning. Messy hair and half asleep. “From now on, don’t be afraid. I don’t ever want to hurt you. And if I do something stupid. Tell me.” he said. He tried to think back to when Cas had expected him to kiss him and he hadn’t. But his memory was clouded by the times they had kissed. Then one moment struck him. “When were looking at the poster? Before you went inside. That was what you were talking to ash about” he stated as the penny dropped. He hugged him again. “I’m sorry. Of course, it doesn't have to be a date to be special.” he said.
 
Casper cuddled into Linden, sighing softly. "What do you regret?" He asked softly, worried about what it might be. He flushed as Linden talked about his worn pajamas, rubbing the back of his neck and laughing shyly. "I mean… I'm probably just going to sleep in your hoodies now," he tried to joke.

His breath caught at Lindens words, and Cas slipped his hand carefully into Lindens again, playing with his fingers. He fidgeted as Linden brought up the not kiss, sighing and biting his lip. He snuggled into Lin. "I really thought for a second there you were going to kiss me." He sighed, shutting his eyes and nestling into Lindens neck. "You just… walked away like it was nothing, I thought… I thought it was all in my head again…" Cas sighed, his heart aching. He clutched at Lindens shirt, letting out a shaky breath.
 
Linden held Cas and started to draw random shapes on his back with his finger. “What do I regret? I regret not getting a film of you singing up there. I regret not doing it earlier. I regret not kissing you at the first chance. And i regret messing up now and not asking for a date before. How am I going to top this?” he said. Smiling a slightly cheeky grin.

Lin stopped drawing when Cas took his hands and started to play with his fingers. He swallowed “I wanted to, I really did. But didn't know if you wanted to. And didn't want to take advantage. And I was worried I would mess us up if I did anything,” he said feeling Cas against his neck. Then he smiled. “Can make it up to you?” he said taking his man's face lightly in his hands and stroking Casper's cheek with his thumb as he leaned forward for a kiss
 
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