Dear You,
Hey, it's me. I don't know why I'm writing this, it was suggested to me, but, I never really expected that this would be the medium I choose. It's still hard to think about, you, the way I heard, knowing you didn't tell me, it's still hard to think about why you didn't tell me, what you might have been trying to achieve. I googled searched this last night, writing a letter to a dead friend, none of it really spoke to me, the why, the where, the how, it just didn't sit right. I don't believe in ever afters, you know that. You know that I'm not religious or that I don't believe in god. You accepted that, you loved that, you appreciated that. You did though. You believed in love, in happily ever afters, in God, in His plan. People keep telling me that I should respect your wishes, that I should try to think about why you might not have wanted to tell me, but... you know me better than anyone. You know I'm not one to think about it. I try to bottle it, to get things done, but I keep coming back to this, back to you, back to the guilt and the anger that I feel for you. I loved you once, I still do, but now I feel like its been tainted by the memory of you, by the memory of your death, by the memory of not having you there for me, or I being there for you when you needed me. I'm haunted by the feeling of betrayal and loss at your expense and though it pains me, I hate you for it. You let me believe it was fine, that everything was okay when you knew that it wasn't. You knew that you were dying, in pain, but you never said a word. Now I'm left behind to try and cope with this. To try and deal with my grief in whatever way I can and I can't. My whole routine is now just totally screwed because you died. I know that sounds harsh and I feel guilty for feeling all of this, but it just makes me angrier. I know you were trying to protect me, but you hurt me instead. You did the exact opposite of what I wanted you to have done and it makes me feel like a horrible person. I feel like you didn't know me as well as I thought and that I didn't know you. Was our friendship all based on a lie? Was it all just something I imagined and that now you are gone I am remembering every fight and every bad thing we ever said to each other? We must have had happiness somewhere? Why can't I see it? Why isn't it there anymore?
My counsellor says that you were my special person, that you were special to me and I you. I wrote your eulogy. You were so selfish in the end. I can't believe you forced me into a corner. How could I have said no? You always did everything for everyone else, never for yourself... why stop now? Why do this one thing? Your little act of rebellion... WHY DID YOU DIE!? I don't care if you were sick, you had no right. If you didn't want to live for you, then why not for me? For your mum? For your sister? Your brother even? I wasn't there in your last hours. I'll never see you again and I couldn't even attend the funeral. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Angry, scared, guilty, alone. I can't stop feeling these until I accept your death. But I never will, because even though I know its true, I will never believe it. You were supposed to be with me forever, you promised.
So where's my forever, Tiff? Where is it?
I love you.
I miss you.
I hate you.
Teigan.
)
