- Messages
- 1,822
- OOC First Name
- Abby
- Blood Status
- Muggleborn
- Relationship Status
- Single
- Sexual Orientation
- Bisexual
- Wand
- Knotted 9 1/2 Inch Unyielding Blackthorn Wand with Essence of Belladonna Core
- Age
- 2/2029 (24)
Um hi!
Sooo, a few years ago I left HNZ without properly telling someone or saying goodbye and I've felt soo terrible about it ever since. At that time I told myself that if I left HNZ (not because I didn't like the site/rping anymore, but because of personal reasons), it was going to be FOR GOOD. FOREVER. NEVER TO RETURN AGAIN. Because I couldn't handle the shame of facing y'all ever again because of how poorly I left things.
In those 2 years that I've been gone, I've probably thought about HNZ about a minimum of 5000 times. I felt like Ron in Deathly Hallows when he left Harry & Hermione but instantly wanted to get back to them the moment he did.
Anyway, I didn't willingly leave HNZ because I no longer found it fun or enjoyable, it honestly just boils down to my mental health. I had mentioned back then that I was struggling a bit, but at a certain point my anxiety just got the better of me. It got so bad that being online/on social media to reply to any sort of messages was SO debilitating that I couldn't even muster up the energy to message an admin or post to say "sorry y'all I need to step back," etc.
To clarify, it wasn't that I had *too much* to do on HNZ, it wasn't that I had too big of a workload or too many replies to get to and not enough time, etc. I had, and still have, tons of free time to handle it all, it was just my mental health that said NO to doing literally ANYTHING at all, even sending 1 singular message. Anxiety be like that sometimes.
But thankfully, I can finally afford healthcare!! Love being American with healthcare tied to careers!! So I have been taking steps to help with my anxiety since then. 
So, after the fog had cleared in my brain, the shame of how poorly I left things had set in and I couldn't bare to come back and face y'all to say sorry. So I punished myself by forcing myself to stay away for good.
I was so scared that if I apologized and returned like nothing, another bout of anxiety would creep up again and cause me to leave things hanging on HNZ again, so I eliminated that possibility by just staying away permanently.
You see - I'm an ALL OR NOTHING type of person, I don't know how to do things casually to save my freaking life! So when I participate in HNZ, I am *all in* I want to DO ALL THE THINGS and I don't know how to do things in moderation. So the only other option for me with my "all or nothing" mentality was "NOTHING" thus why I felt I should never return.
Additionally, the longer I stayed away, the more I mourned the loss of my characters' futures and how my poor ooc decisions affected their futures. Mainly like not being able to take the NEWTS for some of my older characters, thus effectively rendering them incapable of ever getting a prominent "job" on the site (I guess specifically like a "New Zealand" job if you get what I mean?) I'm totally aware that the concept of things not going exactly to a character's plan is totally realistic, so it can be fun to see how your characters get by with unexpected curveballs! But it also sucks when OOC life gets in the way and ruins things for a character who wouldn't have ever failed their NEWTS IC, so then justifying whey they failed IC feels like jumping through hoops lol. So me ruining any future plots I had with the characters I had grown so attached to also discouraged me from wanting to come back because I knew that the storylines I originally wanted to tell would never come to fruition if I did return. And the best way to accept that was to just not be on the site at all. If I convinced myself that I was "never" returning to HNZ, I could just make up a happy ending for my characters in my head and call it a day, but if I considered going back to HNZ then I'd have to face that my character's lives were "ruined" and I didn't like that lol.
I'm not sure if I'm making sense, but I hope someone understands what I mean!
I also had so many younger characters whose lives I was so interested in developing but ruined my chances for by leaving, so it just makes me wish I could ret-con them and start over from scratch. So don't be surprised if you see me re-doing a character with the same face/personality and/or family as before just with different names. 
Please don't judge lol.
I guess that allows me to segue into saying, I have officially decided to return to the site.
I've thought A LOT about whether or not I want to do this. Again, I want to stress my hesitation is not because I don't love the site obviously, but the thought of letting y'all down again really scares me. But as I mentioned earlier, I'm finally getting help to deal with any issues I have, and going to therapy has helped me recognize my habits and patterns of behavior a lot more easily so I can give more of a warning if things ever get bad enough that I need to take a break again.
It took a lot of convincing myself that if other people with children, and their own illnesses, and school, and more demanding jobs, and less free time than me, etc. can find the time to participate in HNZ in a fulfilling manner, then why the heck can't I?!Why am I punishing myself from enjoying something just because my mental health defeated me back then? Please forgive me because I have a pea brain, but it's taken a lot of introspection for me to begin to unlearn that things don't have to be all or nothing. It's just a part of my obsessive personality, but I am actively taking steps to work on it. 
So with that being said, I hope you'll accept me back! And while I am working on restraint, please note I am still an excitable person in general, so don't be afraid if I jump into things quickly! I have lots of ideas that have been brewing in my head for the past 2 years, because as I said, I couldn't get HNZ off my mind the entire time.
I've been doing just fine mentally and otherwise for over a year now, so no need to worry about me or anything!! I just want to be able to enjoy rping like I've been wanting to, and take breaks now that I can recognize when I need to, and it's taken me a looong time to understand that it IS possible to do both. (I know, I know, that's common sense but pls consider: I only have 2 brain cells). So here I am giving it another try. I hope that's okay.
And for everyone who doesn't know me, because I see sooo many new faces around (yayayayay) hi, I'm Abby!
Sooo, a few years ago I left HNZ without properly telling someone or saying goodbye and I've felt soo terrible about it ever since. At that time I told myself that if I left HNZ (not because I didn't like the site/rping anymore, but because of personal reasons), it was going to be FOR GOOD. FOREVER. NEVER TO RETURN AGAIN. Because I couldn't handle the shame of facing y'all ever again because of how poorly I left things.
In those 2 years that I've been gone, I've probably thought about HNZ about a minimum of 5000 times. I felt like Ron in Deathly Hallows when he left Harry & Hermione but instantly wanted to get back to them the moment he did.
Anyway, I didn't willingly leave HNZ because I no longer found it fun or enjoyable, it honestly just boils down to my mental health. I had mentioned back then that I was struggling a bit, but at a certain point my anxiety just got the better of me. It got so bad that being online/on social media to reply to any sort of messages was SO debilitating that I couldn't even muster up the energy to message an admin or post to say "sorry y'all I need to step back," etc.To clarify, it wasn't that I had *too much* to do on HNZ, it wasn't that I had too big of a workload or too many replies to get to and not enough time, etc. I had, and still have, tons of free time to handle it all, it was just my mental health that said NO to doing literally ANYTHING at all, even sending 1 singular message. Anxiety be like that sometimes.
But thankfully, I can finally afford healthcare!! So, after the fog had cleared in my brain, the shame of how poorly I left things had set in and I couldn't bare to come back and face y'all to say sorry. So I punished myself by forcing myself to stay away for good.
I was so scared that if I apologized and returned like nothing, another bout of anxiety would creep up again and cause me to leave things hanging on HNZ again, so I eliminated that possibility by just staying away permanently.You see - I'm an ALL OR NOTHING type of person, I don't know how to do things casually to save my freaking life! So when I participate in HNZ, I am *all in* I want to DO ALL THE THINGS and I don't know how to do things in moderation. So the only other option for me with my "all or nothing" mentality was "NOTHING" thus why I felt I should never return.
Additionally, the longer I stayed away, the more I mourned the loss of my characters' futures and how my poor ooc decisions affected their futures. Mainly like not being able to take the NEWTS for some of my older characters, thus effectively rendering them incapable of ever getting a prominent "job" on the site (I guess specifically like a "New Zealand" job if you get what I mean?) I'm totally aware that the concept of things not going exactly to a character's plan is totally realistic, so it can be fun to see how your characters get by with unexpected curveballs! But it also sucks when OOC life gets in the way and ruins things for a character who wouldn't have ever failed their NEWTS IC, so then justifying whey they failed IC feels like jumping through hoops lol. So me ruining any future plots I had with the characters I had grown so attached to also discouraged me from wanting to come back because I knew that the storylines I originally wanted to tell would never come to fruition if I did return. And the best way to accept that was to just not be on the site at all. If I convinced myself that I was "never" returning to HNZ, I could just make up a happy ending for my characters in my head and call it a day, but if I considered going back to HNZ then I'd have to face that my character's lives were "ruined" and I didn't like that lol.
I'm not sure if I'm making sense, but I hope someone understands what I mean!I also had so many younger characters whose lives I was so interested in developing but ruined my chances for by leaving, so it just makes me wish I could ret-con them and start over from scratch.
So don't be surprised if you see me re-doing a character with the same face/personality and/or family as before just with different names. Please don't judge lol.I guess that allows me to segue into saying, I have officially decided to return to the site.
I've thought A LOT about whether or not I want to do this. Again, I want to stress my hesitation is not because I don't love the site obviously, but the thought of letting y'all down again really scares me. But as I mentioned earlier, I'm finally getting help to deal with any issues I have, and going to therapy has helped me recognize my habits and patterns of behavior a lot more easily so I can give more of a warning if things ever get bad enough that I need to take a break again.It took a lot of convincing myself that if other people with children, and their own illnesses, and school, and more demanding jobs, and less free time than me, etc. can find the time to participate in HNZ in a fulfilling manner, then why the heck can't I?!
So with that being said, I hope you'll accept me back!
And while I am working on restraint, please note I am still an excitable person in general, so don't be afraid if I jump into things quickly! I have lots of ideas that have been brewing in my head for the past 2 years, because as I said, I couldn't get HNZ off my mind the entire time.I've been doing just fine mentally and otherwise for over a year now, so no need to worry about me or anything!!
I just want to be able to enjoy rping like I've been wanting to, and take breaks now that I can recognize when I need to, and it's taken me a looong time to understand that it IS possible to do both. (I know, I know, that's common sense but pls consider: I only have 2 brain cells). So here I am giving it another try. I hope that's okay. And for everyone who doesn't know me, because I see sooo many new faces around (yayayayay) hi, I'm Abby!
). Lemme know if you wanna RP while you ease back in 
