Closed One More Summer Before I Grow Up

[Harper Alston]

Harper had been a little apprehensive about the break. Would it be strange, she wondered, to come home and see all her friends starting their adult lives while she still had a semester of school left? What was she supposed to say when they asked about her own plans? Thankfully, most of her worries had been over nothing. It was surprisingly easy to pick things back up with her muggle friends, and Harper was able to fend off most questions about her future with a few vague shrugs and noncommittal answers. Everyone seemed more intent on celebrating the present and making the most of this last summer together, and that suited her just fine.

But as Harper bounced between graduation parties and nostalgia-fueled get-togethers, her mind wandered to the future. She couldn't avoid the questions about her post-grad plans forever. For years now, Harper had told herself that she would be able to stop lying to her muggle friends once she graduated. But it was quickly becoming clear that was not true. If she became an auror as she'd planned, the lies would have to continue. Maybe they would never stop. The easiest thing, then, would be to just pick a world — muggle or magical — and stick to it. And yet Harper couldn't imagine ever making that choice.

Which begged the question, how did other muggleborns and muggle-raised kids choose? Harper glanced over at Nikko, the question on the tip of her tongue. They had spent the last several minutes catching up and trading stories at a café near his place, and she didn't want to ask her question and bring the mood down. This was her first time seeing Nikko in months, and it would be selfish to monopolize the conversation with her own problems. Better to forget the question and just enjoy the sun and her friend's company. At the same time, she couldn't not ask. "Can I ask you something?" Harper finally said, her finger tracing nervous circles in the condensation on her cup. "Do you ever miss the muggle world?"

 

[Nikko Blackwood]

Nikko could hardly believe how well things were turning out for him. But despite being on a quidditch team and living on his own he was feeling a bit lonely. He was an only child but at home he was never really alone with his parents, and it hadn't been that long ago he had shared a dorm room. It was an adjustment and it was taking time so he was glad to sped time with Harper over her summer break. Their conversation had come to a lull and he took the opportunity to take a sip of is drink and stretch out his legs. "Hmmm?" he hummed in response to her asking if she could ask a question. What ever he had been expecting Harper to say wasn't that. But it made sense considering they shared a somewhat similar background and with her graduation on the horizon. "Oh, well..." Nikko mumbled and tried to think of an answer. He wasn't sure if she was looking for a serious answer but her question had him thinking now. "I guess so. But I don't know if I would say I've left it completely." he said thoughtfully. "I don't think I could. It'll always be there in a sense."

 

[Harper Alston]

It was admittedly a little cowardly to broach the subject of her own worries by asking such a personal question. But Harper had never been good at admitting when she needed help. Not only did that require being vulnerable, but it also felt like an imposition on the other person. In the grand scheme of things, her problems were trivial, and even now, she had to resist the urge to wrench the conversation back to its original direction.

Harper considered Nikko's words. They were nothing unexpected — like her, Nikko had muggle family members so leaving the muggle world completely wasn't an option. "I know it's always going to be there..." Harper trailed off, unsure how to explain that she didn't want to just be a visitor in the world where she'd grown up. She wanted a whole life there. "And I know the magical world is always going to be there, too. I just — I guess it just feels like I've spent the past seven years caught in between, like I'm living two half lives." The last few words came out uncertainly, and Harper glanced at Nikko, wondering if she was making any sense. She couldn't share her magical life with the muggles in her life, and a lot of her magical friends didn't understand the muggle aspects of her life either. "And I'm starting to wonder if it's going to be like this for the rest of my life..." In retrospect, it was silly to think her problems would end at graduation.

 

[Nikko Blackwood]

Nikko hadn't expected to get so philosophical on his day off be he could tell that this was really weighing on her and he wanted to try and help her work through it. "I mean..." he started but hesitated. He hadn't given too much thought about the situation they were both raised in and how it affected the future they sought out for themselves. "You probably have. I know I felt like that for a while too. But that was mostly because of my dad." Nikko said and shifted a little uncomfortably when he brought up his dad. Things between them were a lot better now but it hadn't always been easy. "He always made it sound like magic was more trouble than it was worth. When I first got to school I was counting down the days till I could leave it all behind and go back to my old life. Just like he did. But my experience wasn't his. And thankfully he made peace with that." He continued. His dad used to hate whenever he talked about magic at home. Instead it was his mom who knew nothing about Hogwarts that always listened to him. But Nikko shook his head slightly realizing he got off track a bit. "I know that's not what you're talking about exactly but...I don't think the divide ever goes away. I think it's just a specific burden we always have to balance,"

 

[Harper Alston]

Harper had been fiddling with her cup, but her fingers stilled when Nikko mentioned his dad. Thanks to that one muggleborn support group meeting years ago, she knew Nikko's father disliked magic, but she hadn't realised how deep that hatred ran. At least her identity issues were mostly self-inflicted. Her parents had never tried to sway her one way or the other. "I didn't know you felt that way," Harper said quietly when Nikko revealed that he used to want to go back to his old life. She tried to imagine making the same choice as his father, but if there was anything she'd learned during her animagus training, it was that magic was part of her very being. To leave it behind completely would be akin to cutting off her legs.

"So it will be like this for the rest of my life," she summed up, giving Nikko a rueful smile. "Would've been nice if someone had warned me before I got my letter." She'd meant the comment as a joke, but it came out a little more wistfully than she'd intended. Harper knew life didn't come with warning labels, but an irrational part of her couldn't help thinking it unfair that no one had told her that entering the magical world also meant accepting that her own would fracture irreparably. "Sorry, I didn't mean to drag you into all my problems," she said, sitting up a little straighter and shaking her head slightly. "I guess going home and seeing all my old friends made me realise that I miss the muggle world and my old life more than I thought. But it's not like I can go back — not completely, anyways."

 

[Nikko Blackwood]

Nikko smiled reluctantly at Harper's comment. "Well I was mostly scared and didn't have many friends, and it was easier to blame it on the school." he said with a small laugh. It was unsettling sometimes to think about how uncertain he felt at Hogwarts compared to where he left it. He shot his friend a sympathetic look when she mentioned getting a warning about what their life would be like as people born into both worlds. "You would think someone would have thought of that by now." he joked. It wasn't like their problem was all that unique or new. "It's alright." Nikko said reassuringly and brushed off her apology. She had delt with his self deprecation long enough. He could return the favor. "I think that's just part of growing up." he said with a shrug and tried to think of something his mom might say. She was always the one who had good advice. "Our situation involves magic and secrets but....everyone's lives change sometimes." It didn't come out as eloquent as he was meaning to sound but it was close enough.

 

[Harper Alston]

Harper shifted uncomfortably at Nikko's comment. This was all completely new information, and she felt guilty for not knowing that he'd once felt this way. Could she have done anything? Could she have been a better friend? She winced a little thinking of that one year when she'd developed a crush and decided that trying to distance herself from him was a good idea. She hadn't thought he'd noticed, but maybe he had. And then there was last year. Harper had spent a lot of it wallowing in her woes, and she knew she probably hadn't been all that fun to hang out with. "For what it's worth, I'm glad you didn't decide to abandon the magical world," she said with a smile, even as a new worry took over. She had always taken for granted that she would be able to keep her magical friends after graduation. But what if some of them, like Sky or Hester, decided they'd rather cut all ties with the magical world and return to the muggle one?

At least Nikko didn't seem too put out with her decision to dump all of her worries on him. "Don't suppose you know a way to stop that, do you?" she joked. Perhaps there was a spell or an anti-aging potion, maybe. However, as much as Harper dreaded the idea of having to one day pick a world to root her life in, she knew her current state of limbo was much worse. At least once she graduated, she would be able to pass back and forth between the two worlds much more easily. "I know," she said with a small sigh, "but it feels a lot bigger than just a change." Upheaval felt more appropriate. Harper knew she was getting dangerously close to just whingeing, so she tried to redirect the conversation to more productive grounds. "I'm not sure what I'll tell everyone next year when they ask me what I'm doing. Like, if I become an auror, do I say I work for the police? The government? What if I end up doing something like cursebreaking? What's the muggle equivalent of that?" Plus, there was the issue that anything she said could be easily fact-checked with the internet. She paused. "What do you tell your cousins when they ask about your life?"

 

[Nikko Blackwood]

Nikko chuckled and tried to shrug off Harper's moment of sentimentality. "They couldn't get rid of me that easily. I tend to be stubborn like that." he joked but it was true. Even at his lowest he never considered letting school get the better of him. "You're the one with the grades." he teased. "If anyone would know it's you." Nikko felt a little helpless in this conversation. He was trying to think of comforting words or advice that would ease his friend's worries. He was the older one but it wasn't like he really knew anything. He was walking into situations just as blind as she was and he was just trying to stumble his way through and not break any secrecy laws if he could help it.

"Well..." Nikko started uncertainly. "The distance helps a bit." he admitted even if that wasn't advice she could use in any meaningful way. Not if she decided to stay in New Zealand which he hoped she would. "But all they know is that I'm playing some sport in New Zealand. So far it's been easy enough to dodge any specific questions." But in his defense he had only seen his family briefly over the winter break and for the holidays. It had been hard at his graduation party but his family was always quick to jump conversation topics so it made it easier to be vague.

 

[Harper Alston]

Harper tried not to let her disappointment at Nikko's answer show. "So I should move to Australia," she said, making a feeble attempt at a joke. She nodded as he explained that he kept the description of his job vague when speaking with his cousins. It struck her just how unfair this whole situation was. He was a professional athlete, and he couldn't share the news of his accomplishments with his own family. "Dodging specific questions — that sounds familiar," she said with a small smile. Good thing she'd gotten so much practice doing that over the past seven years.

Suppressing a sigh, Harper took a sip of her drink. "I think my problem is I keep looking for answers that don't exist." It had started with her desire to understand the rules of magic, only to discover that "rules" didn't really exist. And now she was looking for ways to bridge two worlds that were kept separate by a strict set of international laws. "Should probably stop doing that," she said with a wry smile. It would be a lot easier if she could just accept everything unquestioningly.

 

[Nikko Blackwood]

Nikko laughed. "Yes. That is exactly what you should do." he said playing along with her joke but his smile faded quickly. He hated seeing Harper discouraged like this. It felt so far from the version of her he was used to seeing. He also hated the idea of leaving her in such a dejected mood. But they were pondering questions that were much bigger than them. They could hardly be the first ones to ask these questions and if no one else had come up with a better way they probably weren't going to suddenly think of something on a random summer afternoon. But the futility didn't really comfort him and he was sure it wouldn't make Harper feel better either. "Probably." he teased in a way that he hoped would make her smile. "But I know it's because you care. Which is as noble a reason as any to question things." he said encouragingly.