Closed new beginnings

[Rowan Baros]

Things for Rowan had changed a lot in two years. Sometimes it felt like only a few weeks ago she'd come to Ilija to tell him they were going to be parents, only for him to take it so well she'd fallen in love with him all over again. It was in that moment she'd realised she loved him, because she hadn't necessarily known that before hand. It wasn't that she didn't think she loved him, it was more that it was a more quiet kind of love, it didn't make her feel like when she thought she loved Elio. And she had loved Elio, for a really long time, but the way she had loved him was so different to how she loved Ilija that it had taken until he'd almost had a tear filled panic attack, that she realised how much she loved him. When the dust had settled, they'd made plans together, plans she had never really thought she would ever make with someone. Her desire to be a mother had taken a back seat for years, and she'd almost forgotten about it until she'd seen those results and she knew where her life was heading. Then she'd had to tell Zennon, that had been an interesting conversation, but she knew her brother would support her. He had always supported her in her life. Sometimes all she needed was a kind word for her to come back from the brink and now that she had Percy? It was almost like nothing else mattered except him, and her life with Ilija. And she knew he loved her too, because he'd told her, and she'd believed him.

With Percy firmly wrapped across her chest in a sling, she headed out into Obsidian Harbour, the morning air starting to feel slightly more oppressive as the month drew on. They were still in Spring, so it was a little cooler, but the humidity was starting to spike and so as she went for her morning walk (not a run because she had Percy with her) she dressed in slightly more freeing clothing than her normal jeans and a t-shirt. About fifteen minutes into her walk, Percy began to fuss and she quickly found a bench she could sit on, conjuring a small blanket to place over herself as she sat down to feed him. It was still a little surreal, she'd only been a mother for two months officially, but she already knew that she would die for this boy, and she knew that would never change. Sometimes she couldn't believe how happy she was.​

 

[Elio Zephyr]

Elio's life was best described as then and now. The last two years had shown him a separate life he didn't know he could live, one without Rowan in it. He'd spent his time prior to that believing there was no possibility in which they'd ever have found themselves in this position but here they were two years later going about their day as though they hadn't even planned to spend the rest of their lives together. Elio had stayed in New Zealand for Honey's benefit, and while it would have been nice to have spent more time in Amsterdam he knew he wouldn't have been able to stand it if she'd needed him for something and he wasn't there. Even if Chrys had decided to see her more often than he had throughout the first few years of her life, Elio had made a promise that should Honey be looking for him, she'd find him.

The distance from those in his life had given him a chance to focus on other aspects. His career as a photographer had more or less ended the day Rowan walked out, the association of their shared passions baring too much to handle every time he picked up his cameras or photography books. With little else to fall back on, Elio had done what he could to start a new career from scratch, and while it had been difficult, he found it rewarding to help the students. Elio had already been to Obsidian Harbour that morning to buy new supplies for his class, walking back through the park toward his small house across town, lost in his own thoughts as the music from his earphones had him hooked. He didn't even notice the woman on the bench until he was practically beside her, but it wasn't her face that made his stomach drop but the blanket over her chest. He almost didn't recognise Rowan, but the small movements and carefully placed blanket could only mean one thing.

Elio kept walking. His feet moved one step in front of the other while he was trying to process what he'd just seen. Maybe Rowan hadn't noticed him, and he could continue about his day as though this never happened. He knew it had been a couple of years, but surely Rowan didn't have a child of her own. She'd helped him care for Honey, and that had been enough, that's what she'd said. Before he could stop himself or change his mind, Elio paused, whirling around on his heels and pulling out an earphone with one hand. His mouth opened, but no words came out. He had so many questions and yet he had no idea what to say. For the first time, Rowan had him speechless.​

 

[Rowan Baros]

Rowan rocked Percy slowly, he liked to be rocked like this, though she didn't know why, and it was comforting for her too. She wasn't paying too much attention to the rest of the world, and was watching him under the blanket, lifting it slightly to ensure he was okay under there, and it wasn't until she looked up to see where the shadow suddenly standing over her had come from that her heart clenched. She could feel the weight of a thousand unsaid things settling between them, heavier than Percy in the sling across her chest. She'd imagined this moment before - running into him after so long - but the reality of it had her stomach twisting in ways she hadn't expected. When he turned around, her breath hitched. She could see the questions written all over his face, even though he hadn't said a word yet. For a moment, she thought about pretending she hadn't noticed him either, giving him the same out he seemed to want, but that wasn't who she was. Not anymore.

Adjusting Percy gently in the sling, Rowan looked up at him with a small, tentative smile. "Hi, Elio," she said softly, her voice carrying the slight hesitation at seeing him, but it was warm, because she was happy to see him too. She paused, giving him space to respond, but when he stayed silent, she decided to ease the tension herself. "This is Percy," she added, motioning lightly toward the bundle against her chest. Her words were calm, but her fingers fidgeted with the edge of the sling. "He's two months old." It felt so surreal to say it out loud, to share this part of her life with someone who had once been the only person she'd cared about, someone who had once been such a major part of her life. And who was no longer in it. "I didn't expect to see you here," she admitted after a beat, "how are you?" It wasn’t an easy question to ask, and she wasn’t sure she was ready for whatever answer he’d give her. But Elio had always been important to her, and if this was how they crossed paths again, then she would face it. For Percy, for herself, and for the memories they’d once shared.​

 

[Elio Zephyr]

Why did hearing his own name on Rowan's lips sound so surreal? It wasn't as though it was the first time Elio was ever hearing it from her and yet now it was different and he couldn't place why. His own nickname for her had been dissolved when they started caring for Honey, although the years they'd spent together laughing, sharing memories and inside jokes came flooding back with just a hi. Getting over Rowan had easily been the hardest thing he'd ever had to do, and perhaps it wasn't fair of him to admit it out loud but in that moment he felt as though Rowan had clearly had a much easier time handling things.

Percy. Rowan had a son called Percy. This was a woman who would at one stage tell him everything. They'd been through everything together, from their exams, Elsie's death, graduation, travelling the world, starting a business and raising a child. And yet here Rowan was telling him about her own son that he didn't even know she'd been pregnant with. In truth he felt sick. Sick at the reality slapping him in the face all over again. The rush of adrenaline coursing through his veins meant that the man was struggling to get the words out. It didn't matter that he'd prepared himself for seeing her again one day, he'd never imagined meeting Rowan with a son.

"I.." How was Elio supposed to answer a question like that? And who was Rowan to ask about his life when he didn't know what was probably the most important thing to happen to her? Who was the father? Elio realised he didn't want to know. "I'm fine," that was all she needed to know. Elio was certain at this point Rowan wouldn't have told him about Percy if she hadn't had him with her in this instance. "Congratulations," his tone was dull, as though he was having to force the word out between his lips despite everything in his body telling him that this wasn't how things were supposed to be. At least he could pretend to be happy for her, couldn't he? Just for a few minutes.​

 

[Zennon Baros]

No. Zennon is at work where he should be.

 

[Rowan Baros]

Rowan could feel the weight behind his words, the sharp edge of something unsaid passing between them. Her chest tightened more as the memory of their last conversation resurfaced, his words cutting through her like they had the day he'd said them. She had replayed those moments in her mind more times than she cared to admit, the rawness of his pain etched into every syllable. Standing in front of him now, hearing the dullness in his voice and seeing the guarded expression on his face, she wondered if he still carried that same hurt, or if it had morphed into something colder. "Elio..." she started, her voice wavering for just a moment before she steadied herself. "I know the last time we spoke, I hurt you. And I don’t think I’ll ever stop regretting that. I told myself you were better off without me, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t care. I cared so much. I still do." She knew he might not believe her, and that was okay, it was his prerogative not to believe her. She'd done a lot of harm in her relationship with him, he'd called her a monster and he'd been right, she'd admitted that, but there was nothing she could do to fix any of it. How could she have fixed any of it? She didn't own a time device. She paused, taking a shaky breath, her hand instinctively resting on Percy’s small back.

"I know this is probably the last thing you ever wanted to see or hear from me. I didn’t plan on running into you, and I certainly didn’t plan on life taking me here... but it did. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry you had to find out like this." Her eyes dropped to the ground for a moment before she looked back up at him. "I don't expect you to forgive me, or even to understand, but you deserve to know that I never stopped wanting the best for you, even when I couldn't be that. You didn't want me in your life anymore, and I respected that. That's what you told me, Elio, you didn't want me there." Had he forgotten what he'd said? That he couldn't do their relationship anymore? Had she been wrong? He'd told her that was it, she'd let him go because that's what they'd both needed, she'd done what he asked. Rowan’s fingers gripped the edge of Percy’s sling, holding onto him like an anchor. "You once told me you didn’t need me to be perfect, but I couldn’t give you what you needed. I see that now more clearly than I ever did then. And I’m sorry, Elio. For all of it." She stopped there, letting her words linger, unsure if they would even reach him. She knew she couldn’t undo the past, but standing here, she hoped she could at least face it with the honesty she hadn’t always given him before. She hadn't realised how much she had missed him until he was standing right in front of her and she had the horrible thought that maybe she'd broken them again, all because she'd done what she thought he'd wanted.​

 

[Elio Zephyr]

Elio listened as Rowan started speaking, and he wasn't entirely sure whether or not he could focus on the words. The woman was telling him that she still cared, but how could that possibly be true when she was the one to leave? They hadn't even had a chance to talk things through since that night which changed everything, and two years later Rowan was claiming she cared about him and regretted hurting him? His vision came into focus though when she told him he'd said he didn't want her in his life anymore. He listened somewhat impatiently for her to do her best to explain herself, taking a few steps back the way he came until he was stood once more next to the bench.

"Wait, back up Rowan," All this time, she'd believed that he didn't want her in his life? "I never said I didn't want you," his voice was wavering now as he tried his best to recall the day he'd done his best to forget, thinking back through his words. It had always been like this and that was the problem. Rowan would interpret something he said and run with it until it couldn't have been undone. It had cost them their relationship this time. Elio took a seat beside Rowan, keeping a fair distance away but not wanting to linger over her if they were having this discussion. "I said you were no longer what I needed," he admitted, "because I was angry." His tone was softer now. If Rowan could do it, maybe it was worth him putting his own ego aside too. "I was angry that you hadn't said anything sooner about not being happy. We'd had Honey for so long that it felt like I'd forced you to live a lie." Elio was looking out across the park, finding it hard to look at Rowan without seeing the small boy on her chest at the same time. "I don't blame you for leaving, it was always going to end up like this wasn't it." He'd come to that conclusion a few weeks after Rowan left, and while he may have done everything he could to deny it while they were together, it was obvious looking back. "But I meant it when I said I didn't need you to be perfect. You did give me what I needed, because what I needed at that time was someone to see me for who I really was." Elio glanced at Rowan for a moment if only to gauge her reaction. "It wasn't fair to you Ro, ever." He could see that now. Ever since their fifth year it had never been fair on Rowan. They should've broken up that day by the lake.

"I am happy to see that you are happy," he admitted truthfully, more sympathetic than he'd been a few moments ago. Even if it was strange and even if it wasn't something he'd ever pictured, at least he knew she was happy now and he was no longer holding her back. ​

 

[Rowan Baros]

Rowan's breath caught as Elio spoke, his words peeling back layers she hadn't even realised she'd buried under her guilt. She had spent so long telling herself she had made the right decision for both of them that hearing him now - really hearing him - made her question everything all over again. For a moment, she just stared at him, the weight of his honesty settling between them like an invisible barrier. Then, quietly, she said, "Elio… I wasn’t happy because I didn’t know how to be, not because of you." Her voice was steady, but there was a fragility to it, like a glass on the verge of cracking. She shifted Percy slightly in her arms, more for something to do than because he needed adjusting. "I thought if I stayed, I would drag us both down. I thought you deserved more than someone who was too scared to say she was drowning. And when you said I wasn’t what you needed…" She exhaled shakily, a bitter smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "I thought that was the confirmation I’d been waiting for. That I’d been right all along."

Rowan glanced down at Percy, her fingers brushing lightly against the edge of his blanket. he was done now, and she slowly readjusted herself beneath the blanket as she thought about how to continue the conversation, slowly pulling the blanket down to tuck Percy back into the sling around her properly, fully revealing him now to Elio. "I didn’t leave because I didn’t care. I left because I cared too much, and I thought walking away was the only way to make it easier for you." She finally tuned to look at Elio, her eyes brimming with emotions she wasn't entirely sure how to name. "But I can see now that I didn’t give you - or us - the chance we deserved. I should’ve fought to talk to you properly, not run from the parts of myself I didn’t think you could love." There was a long pause, her gaze flickering between Elio and the park around them. "I don’t know if we could’ve made it work, but I hate that I made that choice for both of us. And I hate that I hurt you in the process."

Her hand tightened on Percy’s back, grounding herself in the present as her voice softened. "You say it wasn’t fair to me, but it wasn’t fair to you either, Elio. You loved me through everything, and I didn’t trust that enough to love you the way you deserved." She wasn’t sure what else to say, so she added quietly, "I am happy now. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss what we had. What we were." Rowan’s voice faltered for just a moment before she met his eyes. "And what we should have been." Of anything, what Rowan really missed was his friendship, the relationship they should have had, not the one they thought they wanted. Everything would have been different, and yet, if that was the relationship they'd had, would she have found her love in Ilija? Would she have found her life in Percy? She didn't want to wish either of them away, but this was the path she was on now, and she would love for Elio to be part of that... if he wanted to be - but she wouldn't blame him for turning her away either, after all, she had caused so much damage and she knew that. "I didn't know how to tell you... I didn't want to tell you in a letter because this was so big. You should hear it face to face and then... everything happened to fast and I thought you didn't want to see me ever again. I'm sorry thats what I thought. I know that's not who you are. That's who I was, never you."​

 

[Elio Zephyr]

There had always been so much blame between them that it was hard to tell where it was coming from. As Elio listened to Rowan explaining perhaps for the first time, truly what was going through her mind, he realised they'd both been making things so much harder than they ever needed to be. If her own unhappiness wasn't due to him, then it meant she'd been able to find it in herself, and what more could he have asked for her? It hadn't been that Elio hadn't loved her enough nor told her as such, but if she couldn't love herself then how was she ever meant to accept that it was true?

"You took away the decision so I didn't have to choose." Elio wasn't entirely sure how to feel about that. Even if he took out the idea that Rowan wasn't happy, she'd still left him because she thought if she didn't Elio wouldn't have been as happy as he could be. "Bold move Baros," he said, dropping his eyes as Rowan adjusted the blanket, his gaze falling to Percy's face for the first time. He looked so content, curled up against his mum. He swallowed as he considered the unspoken thoughts between them, looking for words of his own. "Sometimes I miss the closeness," he admitted, "I don't think anyone will be to me what you are Ro," it took a lot for the man to stop his voice from wavering, "but you made the right choice." It was strange that Elio believed that to be true, despite everything. "Maybe this is what we were always supposed to be," his eyes were still fixed on the infant, the child that wouldn't be here if Rowan hadn't done what she did. For that alone, Elio wasn't going to be the one to stand in the way.

Elio tried to imagine what it would have been like to receive a letter telling him about Percy. It was big news and even though it was a startling realisation to have that morning he still would have preferred this over a letter. At least here he could speak to her properly. "He's got my nose," Elio commented, eyes flickering up from Percy to Rowan's, a smile threatening behind them. He knew at some point he would want to know more about who she'd had a child with, but right now he could do with living in that ignorance. "It's alright," the air of humour lost for a moment, they'd been through enough that they could come out the other side of this too, couldn't they? "I'm sorry things didn't never worked out as we planned, but for what it's worth I'm glad that it was you that I grew up with."​

 

[Rowan Baros]

Rowan felt the weight of years of unresolved tension begin to lift as Elio spoke. For the first time in a long time, she could feel something akin to peace settling in her chest. His admission that he missed their closeness and that no one could be to him what she had been hit her harder than she expected. She didn't deserve his grace - she knew that - but hearing it still brought her to tears. A soft laugh broke through her emotions at his comment about Percy. "You wish, El," she teased lightly, tilting her head to meet his gaze. “Percy’s nose is all mine, and you know it.” There was no mistaking the love in her voice as she glanced down at her son. When he apologised, though, Rowan couldn’t let it rest. “Elio, don’t be sorry,” she said, her voice firm but not unkind. “We didn’t fail. We just... figured out a different way. And maybe it didn’t go the way we planned, but look where we are now. I have Percy. You’re still here. We’re still here.”

She shifted slightly on the bench, the weight of her words settling between them. “I wouldn’t trade any of it. I wouldn’t trade you. Growing up with you... it gave me the courage to be who I am now.” Rowan met his eyes, her gaze steady and filled with hope. “I want you in my life, Elio. Not out of guilt or obligation, but because you’re my family. That’s never changed for me. I just... I hope I haven’t ruined the chance to make this work again. Even if it’s different now.” She hesitated, then added softly, “What do you think?” If he needed time to think, she would give it to him, but she couldn't walk away from him now without letting him know what was on her mind, that she still wanted him to be part of her life, that she wanted him to be part of her life with Ilija. She would talk to him when she got home, but she thought he would be okay with it. She loved Ilija, differently than how she'd loved Elio, and she understood what that difference meant now more than she had before. It was an important difference. She wanted her best friend to be part of her life again - and she wanted to be part of his too.​