Extract in your heart

[Victoria de Lacey]

Esme was ignoring her. Even as she’d left Rose had given her a look she didn’t know how to interpret, and she had to assume it was more to do with the fact her roommate could tell something was up than actually knowing something was up. But Esme ignoring her had stung. She didn’t know how it was her fault that she hadn’t felt anything when she’d kissed Esme, she’d tried to feel something. Sure she’d felt maybe a little butterfly or something, but not like when she’d kissed Felix, or William even to be honest. And Demi didn’t count for anything so she’d never analysed that feeling - she was pretty sure she’d felt nothing then too. She hadn’t had a chance to talk to anyone since she’d sort of snuck out early - not that she’d been able to get on the train early or the carriages or anything. She didn’t notice she’d wander half way down the carriages until she spotted Felix in one of them. She almost walked past only she would have felt bad, so she stopped and knocked on the door, poking her head in. “Mind if I join you?” her thoughts about this boy in particular were kind of all over the place. She still thought she had a crush on Jasper, but maybe she was developing one on Felix too? Ugh, being a girl was hard and weird.​

 

[Felix Layton-King]

Felix hated the holidays. He didn't really voice his feelings on this time of year so much as slunk away to an older past version of himself that was accustomed to hiding in the shadows, but now that he'd grown so much in the last year especially, falling back into his old habits was becoming less natural.

The second year (or was it almost third year?) had managed to find an empty compartment on the train home early on, tucking himself in next to the window and bringing his knees up to his chest. It was more comfortable for him that way, turning himself into a ball and plugging his ears with earbuds. Once they were out of vicinity of the school, at some point their electronics would work again. Until then Felix would just make use of the fact it blocked out the noise of the excited students that were eager to get back home to their families. In his hand he was fiddling with his phone, slapping the power button repeatedly with his thumb as he waited for something, anything, to happen.

As the door in front of him slid open, the blond glanced up to see Tori in the doorway. Although he saw her lips move, he hadn't heard what she'd said, so he gave her a brief nod that could have either been interpretated as a hello, goodbye, yes or see you later depending on what she'd asked. ​

 

[Zennon Baros]

every time

 

[Victoria de Lacey]

She hovered in the doorway a little, unsure if the nod was really a response of if Felix wasn’t paying attention. He looked a bit down, honestly, but she couldn’t say she knew how or why. He looked kind of small in a way she didn’t usually think of him. It wasn’t even really in a bad way, exactly, but maybe like he didn’t want to be seen right now. She stepped into the section then and closed the door behind her, sitting across from him. “You probably didn’t hear me,” she said, louder this time but not sharp. “I asked if I could join you. But-” she gave a sheepish shrug, “- I already kind of did, so… sorry if that’s annoying.” she had messed up a lot this year and she was honestly trying to not make a habit of it. Maybe she should be leaving him alone? She couldn’t tell if he wanted company right now or not.

She pulled her legs up to sit cross legged and tugged at a loose thread on her sleeve. He was playing with a phone it looked like, she had never bothered to deal with them since they never worked at home anyway, so she never saw the point. She’d always felt muggle leans were slightly inferior to magical things anyway, mostly because all of her friends were magical so she had no real reason to interact with muggles even though both of her parents were muggle born. “Are you okay?” she decided to ask, because she was here and he was here and she was leaving, and he looked kind of down.​

 

[Felix Layton-King]

Felix took out one of his earbuds when Tori shut the door behind her, figuring she was about to tell him something important. Even if she didn't, it hit him that this would no doubt be the last time he saw her until Christmas, so if there were any last minute things to say before she disappeared for half a year they may as well get it out now. "It's not annoying," he said simply, resting his arms on his knees and watching as she took a seat opposite.

Was he okay? "Yeah," the Gryffindor shrugged. It was easier to do that than admit that his head was a bit of a jumbled mess, but he'd started to get good at shoving things down so he didn't have to think about it. "Hey, I spoke to Ten," he told her. Last time they'd spoken he'd been hiding from his sister after their fight, so at least there was one aspect of his life he'd managed to fix. "The break will be quiet, but at least I don't have to worry about her anymore, or Eluned," both his sister and aunt had apologised and Felix had believed them both when they said they wouldn't treat him the way they had before. Of course, only time would tell, but he was hopeful.

"Are you?" he asked in return, trying to keep the conversation light. "You must be excited you're on your way home. You'll be at Durmstrang before you know it," he grinned, knowing he would likely pester her with questions about the school once she was back.​

 

[Victoria de Lacey]

Tori smiled a little when Felix let her know she wasn’t annoying him and it made her shoulders relax a little. She glanced at him, and grinned when he said he had spoken to his sister. She was glad, he’d seemed pretty upset about Ten the day they’d kissed, and some wondered if maybe he’d never fought with Ten, would she still be friends with Esme right now? She liked to think it had nothing to do with the fact she had kissed Felix earlier, but she couldn’t say for sure that was why she’d decided to do it. She wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to test the theory. Felix didn’t deserve how his sister had been treating him, or that… Eluned person, whoever she was. Tori didn’t really know her, she didn’t think she’d seen much of her around honestly.

“I’m glad you got to have that conversation with her, or… them I suppose. It gives me a bit of hope,” if he could make up with his sister than maybe Tori wouldn’t be a terrible sibling at all. It was still hard to say, honestly she couldn’t know for sure, but it was definitely up there in the things that she could think about. She was trying to keep it light, but something about the way he looked made her want to crawl over and just sit next to him until everything felt better, even if she didn’t know how to do that. She wasn’t sure what was going on, but she didn’t really know how to ask either.

When he asked if she was okay though, her big smile faltered somewhat. “I don’t know,” she said honestly. “I mean, yeah, I’m excited to go home. But also… nervous, I guess? It feels like I’m not coming back as the same person who left. And I don’t know what that means.” She picked at the sleeve of her jumper again, nerves creeping up her back and to her neck. She was Tori, she couldn’t just leave it there. “And… I keep doing this thing where I think I know what I want, and then I do something, and it just - ” She made a small frustrated noise in the back of her throat. “Like kissing you.” She winced slighty, she didn’t regret it, but she didn’t want to mess things up either. She’d screwed up her friendship with Esme, she didn’t know how she was going to fix that.

“That wasn’t bad. That’s not what I’m saying. It was - nice. Really nice, actually. Just… now I don’t know what to do with that, either.” Her eyes flicked up to look at him, searching his face. “Did it mean something to you?” She knew they’d sort of left it, and he’d mentioned they were just having a bit of fun, but she felt like she needed to at least know a bit, right? That it wasn’t just nothing? Maybe it was better if it was nothing, because he and Esme had hit it off immediately and if that wasn’t true love she didn’t know what was.​

 

[Felix Layton-King]

Felix's mirrored Tori's smile, hoping that she'd be able to work out something positive with her own sisters. Even if Tori didn't know what that looked like yet, Felix knew that hard way what it was like to resent siblings, so even if his friend managed to get to a point where she could be around the girls and not feel as though they were a negatively in her life, that would be a good starting point.

The blond sat up a little straighter when Tori said she wasn't sure if she was okay, taking out his second earbud so he could hear her properly. "Yeah, I know what you mean." Felix wasn't going to Durmstrang, but he still felt as though this year things were different to the way they'd ended last year. "Things are changing a lot, and I think next year they'll change even more. It sort of feels like the end of an era you know? It's like, the last two years were our introduction but now, now is when our student lives will really start." It wasn't just because of the electives either. It was more than they'd already established a foundation of their place in the magical world, but now they were about to be tested in ways none of them of foresee. "If it helps I don't think any of us will be the same by the end of the year," it was meant to sound reassuring, but Felix couldn't help but think that might alienate Tori even more, knowing she'd be back and everyone around her may have changed too.

The Gryffindor frowned when Tori mentioning kissing him. Not because he was annoyed so much as he was a little confused about where she was going with it. Would this be like Esme all over again? Knowing what she wanted but doing the opposite? Honestly Felix struggled to understand girls at times, although he cared enough to at least try to put in some reassurances. "Why do you have to do anything with that?" he asked. He wasn't being cruel, so much as genuinely didn't understand why there had to be a focus on it in the first place. As Tori looked him dead in the eyes to ask him what it meant, he couldn't help but wonder why both Tori and Esme placed a lot of value on the meaning of his actions. He gave a small sigh before finally replying, "Well, it meant enough to me that I told Esme I didn't want to be exclusive," perhaps not in such direct words, but it had been the reason she'd broken things off. "You're my friend, Tor. Don't get me wrong, kissing you was also really, really nice," Felix wouldn't have turned down an invitation in truth, "but I don't think I want an actual girlfriend, at least not one that means I'll have extra rules and stuff." He'd already wasted the last two years on a false relationship, if that was even what it could have been referred to, he wasn't about to make the same mistake again. "I don't wanna try to have my cake and eat it, and hurt a bunch of people in the meantime," honestly it was just easier to keep to himself, and just have fun while he was young. He was looking at Tori a little sheepishly, hoping he hadn't gotten the wrong end of the stick about what she was confused about. "I like you a lot, and kissing you didn't change our friendship. You're about to be in a whole new world and meeting a lot of new people, and I wouldn't want you to think you had to.. I don't know, hold yourself back from new experiences because you don't know where you stand with people here. You'll have time to reconnect with people later," he gave her half a grin, "not like we won't be here when you get back, right?"

Felix hadn't realised how much he had to say, but it was probably for the best he got it all out to the one person that understood the situation the best, especially because he realised if he didn't, he'd have a long wait until he had the chance to say it later. "I assume Esme told you, we broke up the other day," Felix thought saying the words out loud would affect him more than they were, "if you can call it that. She even admitted she wasn't my girlfriend, so," he shrugged, hoping Tori would feel better knowing they hadn't actually done anything wrong, even if it was somewhat morally questionable. "It's no one fault though," he added, looking back to the Gryffindor, shifting back in his seat a little. He didn't want this hanging over her head either, especially since it had been him that had made the first move. "I still care about her and I know she's your friend, I'll look out for her over the next semester," even if it was awkward he wouldn't just abandon her completely. "Sometimes things just happen, I guess."​

 

[Victoria de Lacey]

Tori watched Felix quietly, her gaze focusing somewhere between the floor and Felix’s knees as he spoke. She didn’t want to interrupt him, not even once - something that Eoghan and Lilith would probably have noted as being quite rare for her honestly. But this mattered, he mattered and what he was saying mattered to her. So she wanted to hear his thoughts on it, hoping she would come to understand how he was feeling about the whole thing. He Emse told him they’d kissed? She hadn’t spoken to her roommate since they’d kissed, so that was one friendship she was pretty sure she’d ruined, she didn’t want to ruin the one she had with Felix too. She really appreciated what he’d said to her about her sisters and she would like to come to him for advice again, when she needed or wanted it. She liked spending time with him and her friends, so, she wanted to be okay with him.

Her chest felt kind of weird when he said he didn’t want a girlfriend. Not in a bad way, she thought, but in… relief? she supposed? She wasn’t sure if she had been waiting for another answer, but she also wasn’t sure if she was relieved he didn’t want her as a girlfriend, or if he didn’t want a girlfriend in general. That was the part she was going to have to figure out. “Yeah. That makes sense,” she said softly. And it did, even if it made everything inside her feel a little fuzzy and upside-down. She didn’t think she needed to address that, him not wanting a girlfriend, so she didn’t. She liked kissing people, well, she’d liked kissing Felix and she’d liked kissing William when she had, she thought, maybe, but she didn’t know if it was supposed to feel like fireworks or butterflies or what. She hadn’t felt either of those things really, not yet. Maybe there was something wrong with her?

Maybe she was just anxious - she couldn’t really tell.

When he mentioned that Esme broke up with him, she frowned. No, she hadn’t known that. Esme hadn’t spoken to her since they’d kissed and she didn’t know how she felt about now being in the knowledge that Esme had actively held something from her. Well, she’d kind of had a bit of an inkling when he’d said he didn’t want a girlfriend, but was it her fault they’d broken up? Merlin she hoped not. “I didn’t know, she didn’t tell me, but I kind of worked it out when you said you didn’t want a girlfriend.” She said quietly, “she hasn’t spoken to me in a bit,” she wasn’t sure if Felix knew about her and Esme, but she figured it was a good guess. “I don’t think she was happy about me not feeling anything when she kissed me.” She tapped her fingers against her thighs and then sighed. No point addressing the problems with Esme right now, she didn’t like the thought of talking about her behind her back, anything she wanted to say to Esme she could say to her face, or… write her a letter, maybe. “Thanks for looking out for her, I don’t think she’s really okay, but… I hope she will be,” Tori had never meant to hurt her, and she wasn’t sure what was said between Esme and Felix, but she didn’t think they were trying to hurt each other either.

Then she reached out and nudged his knee with hers. “You better still be here when I get back, no sneaking off to see the french girls huh?”​

 

[Felix Layton-King]

As Tori frowned at the mention of his break-up, Felix could only assume it was because she was feeling partly responsible. He didn't want her to feel the pressure or to think that if she hadn't gotten involved maybe things had gone a different way. That was, until Tori told him she'd never actually been informed by one of her best friends that they'd split. Felix lowered his eyes, nodding a little as the Gryffindor filled in a few gaps of his knowledge. They'd kissed, Esme said it had been an experiment, even said she'd had butterflies, except Tori hadn't felt anything. No wonder his ex was feeling insecure by the time they'd spoken.

Felix genuinely believed Esme would be okay however. She seemed to have stood up for herself the last few days and who knew, maybe that would carry on into something new for her. For years Felix had seen Esme as a follower, but perhaps there was something else with the blonde that would surprise them. The second year grinned at the suggestion he'd hang out with the French, "Who knows, maybe I'll actually make it onto the team," especially given next year would be the third time he'd tried out, "and I'll get to speak avec mes amis," he winked. Felix had never been shy, but he'd been living in the shadows for the most part of his life. It was only now, while in the presence of those who accepted him for who he was, that he was finally becoming who he was always supposed to be, and that meant he was feeling very ready for those he would soon come to befriend, too. "But no, luckily for you I will be right here at Hogwarts when you get back," he smiled, thinking that Christmas was a long way off, but it wasn't like he was going anywhere.​