Growing Up and Apart

[Amber Chou Wilson]

After searching the dormitory, Wild Patch, and the Hufflepuff Common Room, Amber knew there was only one more place she was likely to find her best friend. She walked through the gardens, slowing her pace as she looked around. It had been a while since she had spent any time here herself. In her first year she had loved to walk around and look at the beautiful flowers, but now there was just so much occupying her time at Hogwarts that she hadn't been here all year. But she knew that Ainsley still liked to come here a lot, and she had some news to tell her best friend.

It wasn't long before she spotted the familiar red hair of the girl she was looking for. She smiled, though she felt oddly nervous about telling her this. She shouldn't be, Ainsley would be happy for her. Right? "Ainsley!" She called, waving. "Hi!" She approached her friend who was sitting on a bench. Amber felt strangely comforted by the familiar sight of twigs and leaves in her hair. Ainsley was always just... Ainsley, no matter what. She took a seat next to her. "It's been a while since we really talked." She said, resisting the urge to apologize for it. It was largely on her, but it wasn't like she had been avoiding the taller girl. She had just been busy with her classes and other friends. They still saw each other every day. "But I have news!" She grinned. "You know how the yule ball is coming up, right?" Amber still couldn't quite believe what she was about to say. "I've been asked to go! By a boy in the fourth year. His name is Wyatt, I think I've mentioned him. He's the one who took me flying the other day. He's really nice and seemed so nervous and I think he might like me." She paused. "And I like him, I think." She added, though that part wasn't entirely true. She liked hanging out with him and talking to him a lot, but she wasn't sure if that was liking someone. Her uncertainty wasn't fun to talk about, though, so she didn't. This was a happy occasion. "Could I show you my dress later? I worry if it's too childish." Ainsley generally wasn't the one she would go to for fashion advice, but she wanted to include her friend.

 

[Ainsley Lynch]

A sunny day called for exactly two things. A good book, and a seat surrounded by flowers, and Ainsley had both of those locked down. The summer air was sweet with pollen, and the well-worn pages of a history book were soft under her hands. Light sounds of bird song and a Quidditch practice in the distance, a nice gentle breeze, and conditions were perfect to sit back and let the book carry her away.

Ainsley was so absorbed in her reading that she didn't even realise Amber was approaching at first. It only clicked when her friend sat down next to her, and Ainsley jumped slightly in surprise. "Oh! Sorry, I was reading. Hi..." She said with a friendly smile. Seeing Amber was an improvement on an already pretty perfect afternoon. They had been spending less and less time together this year, and while Ainsley didn't begrudge Amber being popular (Of course people liked her, she was perfect.) it was sad, going so long between really spending time together. Amber having news was exciting too, and Ainsley started out eager to hear, but as Amber talked Ainsley could feel the smile slipping off her face as the bottom dropped out of her stomach. The cheerfully warm air was suffocating, her lungs too tight to take it in, and each chirp of the birds overhead was another dagger through her skull. She could tell Amber was asking some kind of question, but she had stopped being able to listen halfway through. Amber had a date, with a boy, and she liked him. The crushing pressure around Ainsley's ribs that had squeezed her heart out to her feet was almost too much to make a noise, a weak, croaky, "Oh..." the only response she could manage, head bowed, face hidden entirely behind her hair. Ainsley was still so far from knowing what she wanted from life, but it felt like something had been ripped away from her, something she couldn't identify, but desperately needed, and it was almost too much to bear.

 

[Amber Chou Wilson]

The change in atmosphere when Amber dropped her news was almost palpable and she bit her lip, regretting it at once. Why was she feeling guilty? Why was she feeling like she was betraying Ainsley somehow? She had only told her she was going to the ball with her date, something she should be able to talk about with her best friend in the world. Ainsley was honestly really hurt and it scared and upset Amber more than she wanted to admit. Why did this mean things had to get all weird? She couldn't see Ainsley's face anymore because her face was hidden by her hair and her head was bowed, but she wasn't sure she wanted to see it if she was this sad. "Ainsley... I know we went as friends sometimes but this doesn't mean we can't talk and still have fun at the ball. Maybe ... maybe we can find you a date too and it can be a double date sort of thing? Would that be fun?" She swallowed. "You're not angry with me, right?"

 

[Ainsley Lynch]

It was almost impossible to follow a conversation, when the bottom had dropped out of the world. Ainsley knew that Amber was still talking, but the words took a long time to trickle into her brain, preoccupied as it was with visions of Amber and some strange boy who didn't deserve her, spinning and twirling and shining at the yule ball. She would look like a movie star, like people on tv, and Ainsley would be off in her corner, the weird girl with sticks in her hair who wasn't good enough for Amber.

Bringing her knees up to her chest and hugging them close was both an automatic movement and one that felt like it took an age, like her muscles had forgotten how to move entirely. It was only once she was hugging on to her knees tight that Ainsley was able to process what Amber had said enough to even try and think of a response. "No..." She choked out, embarrassed at how clearly tearful her voice was. "I don't want a date. Nobody... wants to go with me anyway." She said shakily, and it wasn't the real reason she was upset, not by a long shot, but it was an easier excuse than trying to explain her deep helpless yearning to be the one dancing with Amber at that ball.

 

[Amber Chou Wilson]

Amber looked at her friend in concern, dread pooling in her stomach. Part of her had known this would happen, deep down. But she didn't know why. Or maybe she hadn't wanted to know? Didn't want to know still? She felt mounting frustration and sadness, wishing she could just take it back. But she wanted to go to the ball with Wyatt, so why shouldn't she tell Ainsley? She could hardly keep it a secret, but a part of her now wished she had tried. Instinctively, Amber tried to reach for her friend, but she quickly dropped her hands. It was clear from Ainsley's body language that she didn't want Amber to approach her in any way. When Ainsley talked again, there were clear tears in her voice and Amber felt tears form in her own eyes. "Ainsley, please. We could find someone! Flavio might want to, or one of Wyatt's friends." But even as she said it, she knew this wasn't why Ainsley was sad. "I'll always be your best friend in the whole world, okay?" She said softly.

 

[Ainsley Lynch]

All of Ainsley's senses were full to bursting with the horrible, horrible world around her. She felt, not saw, Amber reach for her, and flinched away instinctively. Ainsley didn't even know what she would do if Amber touched her now. It felt like her whole body was burning now, the sun's light much too much, the bird song scraping away at her ears with every chirp. With so much around her on all sides, it was almost impossible for Ainsley to really grasp what Amber was saying, to process it and choke out a response. "I don't WANT that!" She snapped shakily, curling up tighter. "I don't want to go with some boy I don't even know! I hate this!" Trembles running through her, Ainsley's mood abruptly shifted. She had to go. She had to escape. She couldn't have this conversation anymore. Shaking all over she wiped the tears smeared across her face as she stood up abruptly, turning and walking away, back towards the castle.

 

[Amber Chou Wilson]

Amber wanted nothing more than to make this better, but everything she said just seemed to be making this situation worse and worse. She could tell that Ainsley was only processing about half the things she was saying, and the words that did get through to her friend were just making her more upset. She couldn't remember feeling this helpless before. When Ainsley snapped at her, she winced. "Alrght,I'm sorry!" She said back, a slight edge to her own voice. "But I don't understand why you are angry!" But it was too late, Ainsley was already up and walking away from her. Amber had to resist the urge to shout at her, or to follow her running. She wasn't sure if she felt angry, betrayed, sad, or guilty. It was like a mixture of all those emotions and more. She watched her friend go until she could no longer make her out, only then did she notice the tears in her eyes and blinked them away. She had no idea what to do.