Everything and Nothing

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty was more than a little nervous about having Ava over for dinner. The last time they'd spoken in person, he'd confessed his love to her, explaining that while he cared for her deeply, he did not think himself capable of sustaining a relationship, and thus simply being in her presence pained him. Together they'd agreed that some time apart from one another would be the best course of action, and, on reflection, Monty was glad to have had the break. He'd missed Ava, of course, but the distance had helped him rein in his feelings, which, whilst still perplexing to him, were no longer quite so turbulent. Unfortunately, for all he'd reflected, he still couldn't figure out what his feelings meant - whether he loved Ava, thought of her as a friend, or something else entirely. But as long as his feelings weren't affecting his ability to function like an ordinary human being around her, he could cope with them.

The dinner, thankfully, was a success, and after Saveli took Ainmere upstairs to put her to bed, Monty invited Ava into the living room, topping up their wine glasses and taking a seat on the sofa. "Oh!" Monty said, suddenly spotting the presents under the Christmas tree and remembering one or two of them were for Ava. He retrieved them and brought them back over - a bar of chilli chocolate that he'd re-wrapped to look like caramel; a wooden tray holding a small assortment of pastel succulents, for her garden; and a delicate crystal wind chime. He smiled timidly as he handed these to her, wrapped in mismatched holiday paper. "It isn't much, but I wanted to get you something."

 

[Ava King]

Ava wasn't often nervous, but due to the outcome of the previous dinner, it would be normal for any sane person to feel a tad bit anxious. But another catch up was well overdue, especially with Saveli and her newborn. Ava never would have thought it previously, but with time alone, and the seed planted in her mind, she wondered if there ever could be something between the two of them. It would be a big step for her. She had all but promised never to get into another relationship; the last three were disastrous, but at least Patrick was still alive, though she barely had anything to do with him anymore, in fact, the man that had been such a big part of her life hadn't crossed her mind in many years. When she thought of Nicolas, after getting over any sad feelings, she felt happy. Obviously, she felt sick and angry when she thought of Zannon. And when she thought of Monty...well she was happy. Most moments with him were happy and safe. Perhaps she was reading too much into it, and making something out of nothing; perhaps she was just afraid of being alone, more so than the outcome of any person's life that dared to enter a relationship with her.
Ava took a seat next to her friend, dinner was wonderful and she was feeling a lot more relaxed than when she had first arrived. "Ooh yay!" Ava exclaimed when Monty brought the presents out. She knew she had picked out the best present ever for him, Saveli's presents were still in her bag as well (though they were mainly presents for Ainmere), but Ava supposed she would open them later. Ava opened her presents, laughing at the caramel chocolate - he had promised no chili chocolate. Ava smiled at Monty fondly. "These are - wonderful Monts. Thank you! It's more than enough." She placed them in a pile before reaching into her bag, "And I have something for you -" Ava said, trying to find it among other things in her extended bag. "Aha!" She exclaimed, pulling them out. "These are for Saveli and Ainmere, and this is for you." A pink, sparkly jacket, like she had pointed out on their very first shopping trip.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty breathed an inward sigh of relief that Ava liked her presents. He'd never been very good at choosing gifts, and had deliberated over what to get her for more hours than he cared to admit. As she reached into her bag, Monty startled. They hadn't made plans to exchange gifts, so he was pleasantly surprised when she handed one to him - and some gifts for Saveli and Ainmere. "Oh! That's so sweet of you; thank you," he said, suddenly wishing he'd bought something for Ava's children after all. He'd considered it, but then decided against it, unsure what to get them. Next year, he'd know better. Carefully he unwrapped his present, laughing as he held up a sparkly pink jacket - just like the one she'd said would suit him the first time they'd gone shopping. "Oh my goodness," he said, standing up and holding it up to himself. "Ava, they've always said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but I think you've just proved there's a faster route." Of course, he had to try it on. All things considered, it didn't fit too badly. "You know, I was just wondering what I was going to wear to the Yule Ball. This is perfect." He was messing around, of course, but it was fun to perpetuate the joke. After a moment he took it off and sat back down, still laughing. "Thank you. I've no idea what I'll do with it, but thank you."

Monty took another sip of his wine, setting the glass down on the coffee table. "Thank you for the lovely evening, by the way. I mean - thank you for coming over. I was a little worried I'd scared you away for life." He looked down, flushing. "I didn't... I didn't mean that I don't care for you, when I said those things. Actually, I'm not sure what I meant. Perhaps I shouldn't be bringing this up again. I thought the time apart was supposed to help me make sense of it all, but if anything, I understand less than I did before." He glanced at Ava worriedly. "Sorry. Tell me to shut up if you'd rather we didn't talk about it. I won't be offended."

 

[Ava King]

Ava grinned as Monty thanked her for the presents for his daughter and grand-child; how had she not yet teased him about being a grandfather? That needed rectifying immediately. "Anything for the old man and his grandchild." Ava laughed. She watched excitedly as Monty opened his present, chuckles escaping her lips every few moments, delighted by his response and clapping enthusiastically when he tried it on. It was perfect. "What do you mean you don't know what to do with it? Now you have to wear it to the Yule Ball." Ava laughed. Of course, she really didn't expect the man to wear it, more it could just sit in his closet and collect dust, but make him smile every time he saw it.
As Monty began to speak, Ava's stomach flipped. She was hoping to get through the night without having to confront the thoughts in her head, or to try and make sense of anything. Ava shook her head when Monty said she could tell him to shut up; though the mood had seemed to somber slightly. She took a sip of wine, thinking for a moment. She had appreciated his honesty - right? Ava was amazed at how far the man had come during their friendship, and she admired his bravery, though he seemed to think it not so. She took a breath. "To be honest with you Monty, I'm confused as well. I - I, well I don't know what to think." That was all that came out. It was the truth though. Was she going to face the fear of having feelings for someone again, or face the fear of being alone forever? Both options, as contrasted and the same as they were, were terrifying.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty felt a brief sting at the reminder he was now a grandfather. He didn't quite feel old - especially not by the standards of the wizarding world - but he certainly didn't consider himself ready for such a title. But Ainmere being in the world more than redeemed how it felt to be nearing fifty. Far from saddening him, he only felt grateful that he was alive to experience such wonder.

Monty was glad that Ava shook her head; had she simply gone quiet, he'd have been liable to start panicking about what an idiot he'd just made of himself. But she appeared to be thinking, and, not wanting to interrupt her train of thought, Monty held his breath, waiting as patiently and quietly as he could. It was almost unbearable. Then, finally, he exhaled. But though the answer ought to have filled him with hope, and relief, and joy, the knots in his stomach only seemed to pull tighter. For years he had selfishly hoped Ava would love him. Now that there was a chance she might, he was overcome suddenly with a sense of fear, and dread, and sickness. Was love supposed to feel this way? Monty had no experience from which to tell. The closest he'd come to feeling romantic love for somebody was with Ava herself, and even then the feeling was riddled with doubt, and discomfort, the presence of which alone seemed to indicate that he did not want any of this so much as he'd thought. And yet, in his selfish way, he was afraid to let anybody else love her for fear that beneath his anxiety, there might lie some truth, some substance in his emotion that he would not become conscious of until it was too late. He really did love her. He had always known that. What he could not decide was whether his feelings were romantic, or simply friendly. Fear eclipsed all sensible thought, so that he could not tell if he was scared senseless because he loved her, or scared senseless because she might love him, and that would mean moving forward into something he did not absolutely want.

"Oh," he said, after a moment. Another short silence ensued. "That makes things a little more complicated, doesn't it?" He bit at the inside of his lip, forcing himself to take slow, even breaths to steady his nerves. What was he so afraid of? It wasn't the kind of nervous energy he'd have expected to feel in a situation like this. It was real fear. He did not want to be here. And yet it was his fault that they were. "If neither of us are sure how we feel, then... what do you think we should do?"

 

[Ava King]

Her words were only followed by a short "oh" and then silence for a moment. Ava wondered if she'd done the right thing, if perhaps it would have been better to just be silent. She'd never been one to just sit idly and let life pass her by, or to let thoughts fester into what ifs and maybes, but Ava wondered if perhaps this was a moment where she should have, for her friend's benefit. His response wasn't what she expected; though what she expected, she didn't know. She wondered if perhaps saying it aloud would confirm anything for her, but she still felt as confused as Monty then verbalized. She laughed quietly at his comment. "I was hoping it would un-complicate things for you." Had she been too blind before and was now too late? Was this still what she wanted - if she had wanted it to begin with? She didn't want to hurt Monty. But as previously thought, she'd never been one to sit by idly and do nothing. When he asked what they should do, she put her wine down. "Why don't we just - " She started, moving closer to the man, hoping he would close the gap.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Ava was right. It ought to have un-complicated things considerably. And the fact that it did not concerned Monty; it indicated that this was not the reaction he had been hoping for - that it wasn't what he wanted. But it didn't make any sense. He loved Ava. So why on earth would he be disappointed to discover she might love him in return?

Before he could consider this, suddenly Ava was moving towards him, and he knew not what to do except close the gap, his eyelids shutting as their lips met in a clumsy but gentle kiss. It lasted only a few seconds before Monty pulled away, unable to continue. The contact didn't scare him, but it didn't make him particularly comfortable, either. Actually, it didn't make him feel much of anything. It was numb, and meaningless. He looked down, embarrassed, not knowing what to say, or whether he needed to say anything at all. Maybe Ava had felt it, too. Or perhaps she hadn't. Which, he wondered, was worse? "Sorry. It isn't you. I don't know what it is. I just don't think I can do this." It pained him to hear himself say it - especially after everything he'd put Ava through. But he couldn't lie. The most painful thing of all, though, was that he couldn't figure out just what the hell was so wrong with him that he didn't find any pleasure in kissing her. He swallowed the pain fiercely, determined not to cry, though his voice was strained with it. "It isn't you. I'm so sorry, Ava. This is what I was afraid of. This is why I didn't mean to tell you how I felt. I thought that maybe it would be different, and... selfishly, I let myself believe it. But I've never enjoyed kissing anybody before. I'm sorry. Please, believe me when I say this wasn't my intention. I just - I thought - maybe it could be different, because I care so much for you." He shook his head. "It isn't. And now I've done precisely the thing I was trying to avoid, and hurt you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

 

[Ava King]

Monty's lips touched hers. It was brief and while most of her wanted to stay like that forever, she found a small sense of relief when he broke off. She didn't know what to feel or what to think. Her mind was blank and she supposed that shouldn't be how it was supposed to be. She loved Monty, but, was it in this way? There was undoubtedly a connection between them, but there were so many factors that were clouding Ava's mind it was hard for the woman to understand what she wanted. But Monty's words of not being able to do it was all she needed. She moved back, out of his space, though not in anger. She listened to him speak and felt a surge of guilt. She had put him through this, really she should have just kept her mouth to herself and not kissed him. Ava wasn't upset with Monty and she shook her head as he apologized again. She was just upset that it wasn't what was supposed to be. "No don't - don't apologize Monty - you've done nothing wrong. It - it was what we both thought we wanted and if you can't do it, that's fine. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it."

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty had no idea how afraid he'd been of Ava's response until the relief flooded through him, untangling the knot in his stomach, loosening the muscles in his shoulders. He felt awful, of course, but to know that Ava wasn't upset with him eased the pain considerably. He nodded, inferring, whether correctly or incorrectly, that the kiss had not quite lived up to Ava's hopes, either. Perhaps that was Monty's fault; he was hardly an experienced kisser. Or perhaps they were simply too close as friends for intimacy to feel right between them.

"No - no, don't be sorry," he said. "I'm glad that we kissed. I just... wish it could have worked. I do love you. But maybe as a friend. Maybe - maybe I love you too much as a friend. God, I don't know." He laughed softly, because it was better than crying about it. Then he sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm sure you didn't need all of this. You've been through so much - I never ought to have confessed feelings for you to begin with." Living with the knowledge that nothing could work between them was better than living with the regret of never finding out, but Monty knew he should have kept his feelings to himself all the same. "I think that you are an extraordinary woman. Strong, and kind, funny, and intelligent - intimidating in all the best ways. Even if we only ever remain friends, those feelings about you won't change." He smiled sadly, placing a hand on the back of her shoulder. "Ever."

 

[Ava King]

Ava chuckled when Monty told her to not be sorry. What a pair they were. She listened as he spoke, shaking her head again when he apologized again, and when he said he shouldn't have confessed anything. However, he continued to speak, and she gave him a small smile, unable to help the blush that appeared across her cheeks. "Well Monts, I don't know what to say. You've rendered me speechless." She paused for a second and then laughed. "Actually, let's be honest, that's not true, I always have something to say." Ava laughed again. "I'm glad we kissed too then. Because at least now we both know, even if it's not exactly the outcome we wanted. But I do love you too - even if it's just as friends."