Closed A Boys Night Out

Casper leant into the kiss. Somehow Linden always managed to ground him. A little smile crossed his lips, though his stomach was still twisting. He looked to the food that was brought, and he wasn't sure if he could manage to eat any. "It does..." He spoke with a hint of hesitation. As the waiter left, he looked back to Linden, putting his hand over Lindens to hold it to his face. "I don't know," He answered honestly. "I'm not feeling great, Lin,"
 
Linden smiled against Caspers lips. "I love you Casper." he whispered. before moving back a the smile still on his face. he paused as he felt caspers hand on top of his. "what sort of not feeling great, baby" he asked. wondering if it was an anxiety not great. or somethign else. "do you think you will make it through this course?" he asked. As the waiter put the plate down. He wondered if he thought that he had just proposed.
 
Cas couldn't help but smile at Lindens words. "I love you too," He murmured. He took a deep breath, dragging a hand over his face. "I can make it," He promised with a half a smile. He was just anxious, anxious about what felt like everything. He took a deep breath and smiled softly at his love. "I swear I'll be alright,"
 
Linden smiled as cas said he loved him. i know baby. He said before he moved towards his seat. good. Just let me know if anything changes. I am right here for you baby he said looking at the dish. Some grilled fish with fancy looking vegetables and a sauce that smelled enticing.
I promise you will be alright, and if not and we have to go home we go home. he said. Abusing before adding It is just one night and we have a lifetime of dates in the future as if t trying to convince himself of the unimportance of today. He looked away from cad and ar his food if a lifetime is what you want he said his cheeks warming
 
Cas turned in his chair again, trying to focus on their food. It did smell delicious. Any other time and he'd be diving in without a second thought. Instead he sat there, poking at his fish with his fork. He paused at Lindens words, and peeked up at him for a moment before looking back down to his plate. "Can't get rid of me that easily, snowflake," He teased lightly. He could feel the box burning in his pocket, and ran a hand over his hair. Why was this so hard?
 
Linden started to eat his fish it really was delicious. he was already several mouthfuls in when he looked at cas. and realised that he hadn't started. "Good because I don't want to" he said. reaching his foot out and pressing his leg against caspers under the table.
 
Casper took a deep breath, closing his eyes and leaning his leg into Lindens, trying to draw strength from the touch. This was what he wanted, wasn't it? To always be able to lean into Lindens touch like this. He chewed on his lip, lost in thought. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard? Oh, who was he kidding? Casper sighed heavily. He knew himself too well. This was never going to be easy. He tried to take a bite of his food, wanting instead to just think of how yummy it tasted.
 
Linden slowed down his assault on the fish. He watched cas he could almost see thoughts moving through his head. He wondered what was clouding his expression but it seemed like something that was for him to be part of. He tried to think of something to change the topic. "That is such a nice view. The lights and the water” he said. Hoping to bring him back to the here and now and away from whatever was spinning in his head.
 
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Cas was drawn from his thoughts when he heard Linden speak. "Hm?" He hummed, before glancing out the window, and for a moment the view took his breath away. He stared a moment, and unthinkingly his entire body relaxed, his mind working instead to catch all of the details. He was absolutely going to be painting a scene of this. His hand rested against the table, and his usual softness came back to his eyes as he studied the scenery. "Whoa," He breathed.
 
Linden took another mouthful of his fish as he watched Casper look out his window. He watched as the tension melted away from him, his expression clearing. He smiled at the change in his boyfriend. From worry to that very innocent, almost childish look that cas got when he was intrigued by something. A look that caused a twist in his chest that made him want to both protect cas and his innocence from all of the terrors of the world, even though he knew cas had seen more of those terrors than he had, but he could still protect him from being hurt again. there was also a twinge in him that was possessive. to claim cas as his and not want to share him and all his wonder. After a moment, he reached out and took Casper's free hand in his. The two of them caught in their bubble for a minute or maybe ten Casper enjoying the scenery and Lin enjoyed watching Caspers enjoyment. Until Lin burst it as he spoke. "It's nice, but it still isn't the most beautiful view I have this evening," he said, not even trying to hide the smile spreading on his face.
 
Casper was drawn out of his thoughts when Linden spoke. He turned, blushing, and he smiled shyly. "You and your pretty words," He murmured affectionately. He offered out his hand for Linden. "I'm feeling especially hungry," He decided on. He'd focus on dinner- with any luck, he'd be able to ask that question by the end of the night. He took a breath, and shook his head. He wasn't going to work himself back up again. "How's that fish?"
 
Linden smiled at Caspers comment but didn’t say anything he just squeezed his hand because he was too far away to kiss him. Cas often accused him of pretty words but he ouldnt help it. With the next comment he chuckled its delicious try ithe said
The rest of the meal went smoother they made it through the next few courses without incident, talking and flirting and sometimes feeding each other bits of their own food even though their plates were exactly the same. It was all too soon when they finished their last savoury dish. Lin excused himself for a bathroom break and spent a little bit of time reading through the page folded up in his pocket though he had practiced it enough that knew the words by heart. By the time he had returned to the table the next dish was waiting, pallet cleanser before dessert. He could feel his own nerves mounting again. he hoped that it wasn't showing too much. He took a sip of his wine. he would do it. He would. As soon as they had both finished their sorbet he would get down on one knee and do it.
 
Casper hummed softly, and tried the food, almost melting at how yummy it was. Things were a bit easier after that- just focusing on Linden, letting his mind be calm as they ate dinner. Despite his nerves, this was nice. Being with Linden was always nice. It was easy, like breathing. At least, it was. But then Linden had gone to the bathroom and alone again, Cas had nothing but his thoughts, and the ring in his pocket, and the worries and anxiety came back. Why couldn't he just be normal? Why couldn't he just let his heart out and give Linden the romantic, amazing proposal he deserved. He hardly noticed when the next course came out, or when Linden returned. His leg was bouncing, and he took deep breaths, trying not to spiral, but he could feel the edges of his panic starting to set in again.
 
Linden was glad that Casper was seeming more relaxed. His hand into his pocket and felt the wood of the box. He was relieved that it was still there. Not that there was any reason that it wouldn’t be. He could feel a nervous energy rising between then again. Could cas tell what he was about to do. No of course not. He was just reading his own nerves reflected back. He took a steadying breath. Before finishing his sorbet.
Once he was done he reached one hand across the table hoping that Cas would take it and out the other in his pocket wrapping firmly around the small box.
Eventually casper finished his food too. Casper. Buttercup. Can I talk to you about something important? About us and the… he said as cas cut him off.

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Casper couldn't seem to get his breathing under control. He vaguely heard Linden talking, heard the voice, but it didn't seem to break through. He felt like he couldn't breath. "I need some air," He blurted out, unintentionally cutting Linden off. He stood quickly and walked out of the restaraunt, trying to get out quickly without causing a scene. Once he was outside he walked down the wall a bit, dropping down and taking deep breaths, moving both hands to tangle in his hair.
 
One Look into Casper's eyes, and Linden knew he had messed up. It hadn't just been his own nerves he was seeing reflecting back. Cas was somehow back on the way to a full-blown panic. He could kick himself as cas cut him off. How had he things it so wrong? he watched almost in slow motion Cas getting up from the table and walking out on him. Shock crushing against his chest. This wasn't how his proposal had played out in his brain. Even when practising his speech, the worst that had happened was a hippogriff had pooped on him. He was dumbfounded, not sure what to do. What even were you mean to do when the man you loved walked out on you just as you were about to propose? After a minute, he shook himself back together, got up, and followed after cas. Pausing briefly as he passed the waiter carrying dessert towards their table to say they would be back and weren't just walking out.

Out on the street, the evening air hit him and looking both ways, he spotted cas half a block or so away. he walked over to him and knelt down beside him not minding that he was likely getting his clothes dirty with whatever dirt lived on the New Zealand pavement. He put his arm around Cas pulling him into his chest and kissing the top of his head, and staying there. "Hey, Baby. Are you okay?" he said as soothingly as he could. His free hand resting on top of Caspers.
 
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Casper leant into Linden when the man appeared, laying his arm over the mans belly. "I don't know," He murmured, shutting his eyes, and shaking. His heart was thundering in his chest, and his stomach was twisted in knots. "I don't feel good," He admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "I just want to go to bed," He peeked up at Linden, his eyes teary. "I'm sorry to ruin date night,"
 
Linden felt Casper lean into him, and he held his man closer. "whatever it is. i am here with you and i love you" he said running his fingers through caspers hair in a way that he knew soothed him. before he kissed his forehead. "If you don't feel well you don't feel well. Do you think you will be able to make it home on your own? I'll see you there in a few minutes." he said. he needed to sort out payment at the restaurant and would quite like a few minutes on his own, he could feel his face getting warm and his eyes stinging and he would rather not let cas know how much his walking out had hurt.
 
Casper swallowed hard, his heart twisting as much as his gut was. He nodded tightly, fighting the bile and the burning of the tears in his eyes. He stood, too ashamed to meet Lindens eyes, and apparated back to their place. Cursing, he threw his jacket at a kitchen chair. Casper struggled with his self worth and his self confidence on the best days, and this certainly hadn't been one of them. How could he do this? He paced a bit, spiralling and cursing himself. Why did he think he could do this? Why did he think that Linden would want to get married? To him?

Casper cursed again and spun, moving into his studio. Frustrated, angry, and unable to help the tears that had started to fall, Casper started throwing his paints. Just hurling them against walls and throwing some at the floor. The splattering of some of the paint tubes was oddly satisfying. His nice clothes were quickly becoming a patchwork of colors- reds, greens, blues, black. He watched as a tube of deep purple exploded at his feet, covering both his jeans and some of his shirt, and just like that the anger faded into a deep exhaustion.

Casper sat back against the wall, sinking down and pulling his knees up to his chest. Somewhere he knew he'd gotten paint on his skin and in his hair, but he couldn't bring himself to really mind it. He buried his head in his arms and just started crying, overwhelmed with the enormity of his failure. "You stupid prat, you've gone and ruined it. The night was the perfect chance and you couldn't even man up. So stupid," He whispered, scolding himself even as he curled up tighter.
 
Linden let go of cas and watched him apparate away from him. He stayed there on the floor against the wall for a few minutes trying to pull the pieces of himself together. he knew that when casper was upset he had to hold a strong face if he too got upset then things went haywire. but when casper had walked out on him trying to propose after a lovely dinner date. well sometimes it was hard to be the strong one. well not the strong one. well not even the strong one. despite how much cas said to the contrary he knew cas was stronger than him, far stronger but cas also had far more demons and anxieties to face than him.. him who had had such a charmed and happy life he didn't really know what that kind of pain or trauma was. he wiped his eyes with the ends of his sleeves and got up. he couldn't just sit here. he needed to face the music.
he entered the restaurant and went back to the table finishing both his and Casper drinks. They had paid for them and he wasn't going to leave them behind. Especially if the alcohol in them would add even a little mellow to the pain, he felt. it was then that the waiter came over to him checking if he was okay. It seemed that he had put two, two and two together, the knowledge that there was going to be a proposal and caspers sudden disappearance and lindens tear-streaked face and coming up with his own conclusion of what had happened. he offered Lin the dessert and the rest of the bottle. as well as "A few leftovers from the kitchen to help you feel better, Mr Beckett" this time the mixed up identity didn't make lin smile it made his heart sink.
it had probably been half an hour, maybe a little more from when cas left him to when lin entered the apartment face washed to hide the tears and dessert and drink in hand. he was just putting things down on the kitchen bench when he heard Casper in the studio talking to himself though he couldn't make out the words. he didn't hesitate to go to his side whatever it was going on with cas it was big, and he wanted to be there with him to face it. the studio was almost unrecognisable As Lin entered paint was splattered everywhere as though it had become a paintball arena. one of the canvases that he knew cas had been working on for a month now had a lovely brown line right across the middle that added nothing to the underwater-inspired landscape. and cas was there curled up on the floor he could see him shaking from the doorway and could now make out what he was saying. any hard emotions he was feeling evaporated at the site of him. whatever it was was bigger than an attempt at a proposal that realistically hadn't gotten past the first line. "Oh Cas" he whispered from the doorway before sinking down to the floor beside him close but not quite touching. he didn't want to smother cas just let him know that he was there he knew from past experience that at times like this the best he could do is wait it out and let cas come to him. besides he wasn't sure if his shaky facade would hold if cas pulled away from him just now. "You are not stupid, and whatever you think you have ruined i am sure we can fix" he said.
 
Casper froze when he heard Lindens voice, his own freezing. He swallowed hard, and shook his head quickly. He couldn't make himself explain, and he stood, pacing a bit. He struggled- not knowing what to say, how to explain without letting too much information slip. Instead he just let out a groan of frustration and moved away. Cas went up to the room, barely thinking to spell away all of the wet paint before crawling into bed fully dressed, rolling himself into a blanket burrito and hugging the ends of the blanket to his chest. It had been a long while, it felt like, since he had turned into a Cassopillar. Though that was a Linden term. Cas just saw it as a burrito of sadness. He groaned, burying his face and trying to force his emotinos into check.
 
Apparently space was what Casper needed right now. Whichever demon was haunting him was one that he had to face alone. Lin watched Casper leave and go upstairs to their bedroom. A moment later, he heard the unmistakable sound of someone practically falling onto the bed. he sighed. And looked up as Lapis came around the corner and meowed. "I know, beautiful. But i don't know what's wrong either," he said, giving her a stroke behind the ears where she liked it. The cat purred for a moment before sniffing at the edge of a puddle of paint. He sighed again, pulling his way to his feet, though most of his body felt leaden. "I guess we had better get things tidied up before you put a rainbow of pawprints through the place," he said, though the thought of a rainbow of pawprints would be a decorating choice that if he had been in a better mood he may have laughed at. he took out his wand and started to clear up the paint starting with the puddles on the floor before moving to the walls and attempting to get it off the paintings. He knew there were spells for it. And cas used them fairly often. it took him a moment to remember it, and the first picture he tried it on may have been a little too zealous with but he hoped that the one that looked like cas didn't like it was a rough concept sketch was indeed just a rough sketch. By the time he had finished, he was tired and calmer, and you could hardly tell that there had been a brown smudge on the seascape at all. Lapis meowed again, and he knew that meow well. He followed her into the kitchen and poured her a dish of food before cutting up an apple for Elg and clearing up the leftovers he had brought back with him. Then that was it. Anything else would have to wait until the morning. He picked up Casper discarded jacket and made his way upstairs. He was halfway up when a realisation made him freeze.

There was something in the pocket. He knew he shouldn't look. It was Caspers. But he couldn't help himself. The size and shape of it was familiar, almost the same as the question that had been sitting in his pocket all evening. He withdrew the box from the pocket and sure enough, it was there, a small box clearly home to some jewellery, a ring, or maybe a small pair of earrings. He tried to convince himself that is what it was. It was a birthday present for one of their sisters. Though he knew it was months until August when Willow, Tara, and Ivy all had their birthdays. Maybe Masie or the twins. However, he couldn't remember when their birthdays were. It was a strange daja vu situation he could be two years ago, putting up Christmas lights and putting away washing when he found a box in Casper's pocket. The first time that the thought of marrying cas had entered his mind like a mustard seed building its roots for a year before sprouting and growing until where he was now.

He finished his way up the steps and could see a coccoon of blankets that he knew would hold Casper inside he hung the jacket up but kept the box with him surprised at how much force it took for him to not open it feeling a lot like pandora from the myth he had studied in English class half a lifetime ago. he sat on the side of the bed and reached his hand out towards the cassopiller taking a second to find what he was fairly sure was a shoulder and upper back he rubbed it gently. "Casper are you alive and awake in there?" he asked his voice gentle as he rubbed what he hoped was Caspers back in a soothing motion.
 
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Casper was shaking slightly, caught in the whirlwind of his own mind, curled up tightly and trying to just focus on his breathing. He jumped a bit, tensing at the feeling of a hand on his shoulder. He relaxed only slightly when he heard Lindens voice. He let out a frustrated sigh, pulling the blankets in tighter around him and curling up a bit more. "I'm 'live," He grumbled, not willing to emerge from his cacoon. It was warm and dark and at least a little bit comforting. He kept his eyes shut, relaxing slowly as he felt Linden rubbing his back. He let out a soft sound of approval, even if relaxing brought tears back into his eyes. He took a few shaky breaths, trying to keep it together.
 
Linden felt cas move beneath his hands and heard him talk. "good" he said gently. before shifting slightly lying down beside him still keeping a reassuring hand on Casper's shoulder. "Casper. Can I ask you some questions? you don't have to un-cocoon or say anything. how about one peep, or tap or blink for yes and two for no, but if you blink you will have to let me see those eyes of yours."' he said. He waited for Caspers response before starting ”first question. Did i do something that upset you?” he asked. Hoping that the answer to this one was a no.
 
Casper rolled a bit, letting his hand creep out and finding something of Lindens to hold- he thought it was his knee but he wasn't sure. At Lindens question Casper bit his lip. He tapped Linden twice. No. Of course Linden didn't do anything to upset him. Casper was just completely and totally mad at himself.
 

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