Closed Trying to love how you turn out

[Ilija Olaf]

Ilija's routines had gone out the window over the last week or so. He couldn't really concentrate on anything he was doing, and it was already the afternoon when the fifth year realised he hadn't eaten any breakfast yet. After hauling himself out of his dorms, he trudged down to the Great Hall to see what food there was left, not even looking up at anyone, not wanting to speak to the other students here. The quicker he could get in a out the better. It would avoid the questions, and the last thing Ilija wanted to do was try to summon up the courage to tell anyone why he'd been so absent from anything but lessons recently. Maybe he was just imagining it but he could feel the eyes on him and he pocked a few snacks that would keep him going until dinner, provided of course he didn't fall asleep before then and miss it again. He turned quickly and headed out the way he'd come through the main doors, exiting towards the courtyard. Once he was satisfied he hadn't be followed, he sat on the wall next to one of the pillars, lightly resting off to the side as he pulled an orange out of his pocket and began to unpeel it, laying the peel on the stone beside him. He wasn't hungry in the slightest but he knew it was important. If Mhairi found out she'd be livid and he couldn't do that to his sister before her exams. He watched the students passing by, making no effort to engage at all. In fact, he quite like feeling like a ghost and watching everyone else go about their day; it reminded him that he wasn't letting too many people down asides from himself anymore.​

 

[Rowan Baros]

Rowan had suddenly found herself with more free time than she knew what to do with. She supposed she could have been sensible and spent her time studying, but she had never really been into studying even before her... break up? with Elio so she didn't much see the point in doing so now. She dearly loved that boy, her Elio and finding a version of herself out side of him was scary, but she knew it was something she had to do, for both of them and at least this way, she wasn't wholly without him. The realisation that she very nearly had lost him had sent her into a panic that night, after their conversation in the lake and she hadn't slept at all the night before either, so she'd had two sleepless night since then. She'd had to physically stop herself from immediately wandering up to the boys dorms and just sneaking into bed with him. She was almost certain that even despite their pact, he wouldn't have stopped her if she'd really needed it, or perhaps he wouldn't even have noticed, but since the first time they'd done that, shared the same space at night, she'd found it irritatingly comforting. So much so that now having the option taken from her mad her both angry and incredibly sad. But she could do this, because Elio believed in her and that was what mattered. She had to show him that everything he thought and said about her was true, so they could still be Elio and Rowan, just not ElioRowan. There was a gap between them now, and it was a good thing, hopefully. Rowan wasn't entirely sure where she was heading, if she was heading anywhere at all, and so finding herself in the Courtyard was a bit confusing. She frowned and turned to head back out when she noticed a Hufflepuff leaned against the wall. She'd almost completely overlooked him, except that she knew him from the majority of her classes. Divination and Astronomy stood out the most. They hadn't really had much of a conversation or a relationship in the past and that was probably a good thing, since her past was filled with selfishness and cruelty. "Ilija," she said quietly, wondering what might have been going through his head. He was the quiet type, from memory, she only really knew that because she didn't think Elio was much aware of the quiet people in school, and she didn't think Ilija had ever really much popped up in conversation. So if not Elio's friend... maybe he could be someone she took to? It wasn't that she was trying to avoid Elio's friends really, just that most of them seemed to be girls and... well, Rowan had always gotten along with boys much better. "You're not hungry?" It was lame, she was lame... how the heck do you make friends with people? How had she made friends with Elio even... it just sort of seemed to have happened. This was weird. "I'm sorry, this is awkward, isn't it?"​

 

[Ilija Olaf]

Ilija had almost finished his orange, although he’d been eating it pretty slowly as he watched the world go by. Upon hearing his name, he was shocked not only that someone had seen him but was close enough to want to reach out to him, that his segment almost went down the wrong hole. After a second of making sure he was actually swallowing it rather than breathing it in, he peered up to see Rowan coming over to him. He didn’t talk to her normally, in fact he didn’t think he ever had, even when they had the same lessons and classes. Why was she talking to him now? What had he done? “Not..really,” he said honestly although he was more suspicious as to why she was asking. Usually she had Elio attached to her hip, but today she was by herself and he didn’t know if that made things better or worse. He was.. an acquaintance of Elio he supposed, in that they were usually always invited to the same things, the study groups and the birthday parties, although Elio usually had a way of making him feel even smaller than he would have been if he was by himself, so Rowan being by herself was both relieving and a little unfamiliar. “Are you okay?” He asked, wondering why she’d come over to him in the first place. If he’d done something wrong or upset someone else he wished she’d just say so. Maybe she saw him stealing from the Great Hall and his cheeks blushed in embarrassment.​

 

[Rowan Baros]

Rowan had never really had friends. It was a bit funny because she was always the more social one of the twins, but, even though she didn't seem it, she was shy and incredibly bad with people. It wasn't so much that she couldn't approach people, she was fine with that, but connecting with people on some deep emotional level was not something she was great with. There were a couple of people in her life that she could call her friends, but there wasn't much emotion between them. People like Elena, Amaya and Artemis, and Chrys, to an extent, were convenient. They talked to her and she sometimes talked to them, but, there wasn't that same level of connection as she had with Elio. They'd clicked like they'd never not been friends and it had all just happened to fast she'd almost suffered whiplash. Trying to remember how they'd even first met, or what their first conversation was was impossible, which was crazy. They'd only been friends not quite two years and she'd had to double check that, because it seemed like they'd been friends for so much longer. Not to mention the almost year they'd spent apart because of her stubbornness. Yeah, this wasn't going to be hard at all. She didn't know how to just be with people. This wasn't something that she found easy. She didn't understand how people did this. She looked over to him as he asked if she was okay. She shrugged. She wasn't, but, as much as she wanted to emotionally connect with Ilija, or whatever, she didn't think this was the environment to air her laundry, or talk about what she was going through. She was trying to make a friend, not send him running for the hills. She smiled slightly. "No, but... it's not really something that I should tell you about... at least, not right now," she said, hoping he wouldn't be offended by it. "I... I wanted to say Hi, you know, maybe try to be friendly with you?" Merlin... was she asking him to be her friend? She consciously rolled her eyes to the heavens in preparation for whatever the hell she was about to go through. "I... don't really know what I'm doing to be honest with you..." ​

 

[Ilija Olaf]

Rowan was more or less just voicing the confusion that he felt going on in his own head, never really knowing where he was or what he was doing. In all honesty he was grateful when she said she didn't think she should tell him what was going on with her at the moment because the reality was he was most definitely not in any kind of place to advise anyone or help them when he couldn't even help himself. "You, want to be friends?" he clarified, finding it a bit formal to actually ask him, although it was quite refreshing not to have to guess what someones intentions were, provided of course that was exactly what she truly meant. She seemed to know what he wanted just as well as he knew what he had to do to get out of this slump he found himself in. The more the Gryffindor seemed to just say whatever was on her mind though, the more Ilija tried to relax. She didn't seem to be overthinking things to herself and had just approached him, well, just because. She may have been a little flustered but it was easier to hear it rather than try and assume what she was thinking. "We can be friends. If you want to be. I don't.. think I'd make particularly good friend material but.. yeah" Ilija shrugged, finishing off his orange and trying to sneak the peel back into his pocket so that Rowan wouldn't think him to be a litter bug. The fifth year suddenly had no clue what friends were supposed to talk about. "Um, so, um," Heavens why couldn't he just be like a normal person who could remember how to speak? "Have you, had breakfast yet?" Really Ilija, was that all he had? He was just embarrassing, and was slowly flexing his fingers out of sight of the Gryffindor out of pure horror for his own lack of charisma. ​

 

[Rowan Baros]

Awkwardness seeemed like it might be an undercurrent of every relationship she had from this point on, Rowan thought, simply because she didn’t really know how to do friends. Last time she’d made a friend, she’d fallen hopelessly in love with him and the things had just gotten terribly complicated and now she just didn’t know what to do anymore. Not being attached to him all the time was a shock, it was weird as hell and she kept dong things she’d normally do that he’d have commented on only for it now to be met with total silence... because he wasn’t with her. She wasn’t sure what he’d started doing in her absence, thinking about just made it hurt, but she’d turned more to her dancing and poetry. At least one of those she was really good at. Maybe she’d actually start being good at poetry too. Rowan wasn’t sure how to respond, yes, obviously that’s what she’d sort of said, but, merlin he didn’t have to actually ask her because now she had to confirm that yes, she was an actual five year old. She wanted to facepalm so badly right now. “Uhm, that’s... yeah.” Ilija, I want to be your friend. It felt strange to say it, she certainly hadn’t said it to anyone else in her life, Elio had been some weird magnetic thing and the others weren’t really... this was whole new ground for the Gryffindor. She found she quite liked Ilija, despite knowing him a whole two minutes, she liked that he wasn’t pushing her and that, awkward as this was, he seemed a bit up for it at least. Perhaps he needed a friend as much as she did? Perhaps this would be mutually beneficial even? “I didn’t have breakfast, it feels weird to...” eat without Elio, but she wasn’t there yet. “I was in my dorm cuddling with Matilda. She gets a bit lonely sometimes because I can’t let her out, so she’s always stuck in my dorm by herself.” She told him, unaware he’d have no idea who she was talking about probably. She was so used to it being public knowledge because Elio was her public and he had the knowledge. “Poor thing.”​

 

[Ilija Olaf]

Ilija was used to himself being this awkward, but not anyone else. Then again he'd only really spoken to Padme for the most part of the last year, and a couple of others during the study group, and that Katy girl from Gryffindor who always seemed to want to ask him questions. Sometimes Ilija didn't want to be asked questions, especially when he didn't really know his own answers. Maybe that's why talking to Rowan seemed a little more relaxed, because he didn't have to pretend to know what the heck he was doing. Padme had told him that she'd wished he'd been more open with her, that their communication hadn't been great and maybe Ilija did keep things too bottled up to himself, but it was only because he'd tried to give her whatever she'd needed over himself. A frown flashed on his face when Rowan told him it was weird to eat breakfast, although who was he to talk, eating oranges out here by himself? At first he thought Matilda was one of her roommates, perhaps a transfer, although he didn't think he'd been out of the loop that much not to notice another person in his entire year group. "Who.. what.. is she?" The way Rowan was talking made it sound like maybe it was a pet, but the Hufflepuff didn't want to be rude. The fifth year once again felt as though he was at a loss of what to say, so out of touch with what was going on with those he shared his lessons with. He was also painfully aware that if he wanted to go back inside right now he wasn't going to be able to without coming across as rude, and just the idea that talking one on one with another person had him at the forefront of their attention was starting to make him a little on edge.​

 

[Rowan Baros]

Rowan has no idea how to talk to Ilija, so her default was just to talk about herself. She hadn’t really been the one to need to hold the conversation before, so this was a new and a little bit exciting experience. She looked over at Ilija, trying to get an idea of him, figure out about him a little. She wasn’t great at reading people, but she was alright. She had to figure that Ilija was probably shy like her, but in a different way. Whereas she could approach people, she wasn’t sure that was Ilija. She didn’t know much about him, but, that much she could figure out on her own. “Matilda is my duck, I rescued her from Transfiguration class and we bonded. I have to keep her away from my...” shoot, “one of my fri-” bugger, “apparently she likes to attack people but I disagree. She’s cute and she’s sweet and she wouldn’t harm anyone, she’s just an innocent little duck and she certainly doesn’t deserve to be eaten,” not by Elio or anyone else. Being vegan was hard sometimes since people would just assume she was a certain kind of way, it was why she never mentioned it. Elio had only figured it out after asking if she wanted to share something he was eating and she’d said no. Then of course he’d realised she hadn’t eaten any animal products or the like and realised. It wasn’t generally something she advertised too much. “I keep her in my dorm as much as I can but I think she goes a little bit crazy in there. I want to let her out, and sometimes I’ll take her for little walkies,” she’d had a little leash and collar made up for her and everything, “but I have to do that early morning or late at night and I’m almost always by myself.” Elio almost never came. That upset her a little, He did the late night ones with her, which weren’t often and so it was usually mornings and she was usually always by herself. Still, she supposed she was supposed to respect that boundary since he didn’t like ducks and she liked to think he’d respect her critter discomfort if he ever found out about it. She rolled her eyes. Of course he wouldn’t, he’d probably stick something on her, he was still a boy after all, damn him.​

 

[Ilija Olaf]

Ilija actually gave half a smile when Rowan said she rescued a duck from Transfiguration. Weren’t they meant for like, practising with? “I never thought of that..” he said quietly, feeing a little bad that he’d never even tried to help any of the creatures that were used in lessons. He picked up on the fact Rowan kept trying to dodge something but he still didn’t want to ask. Sometimes it was best just not to know. “Why would anyone eat your duck?” He found himself asking. There was a difference between what was eaten for dinner versus eating a pet. No, that would be horrible. The idea of Rowan taking her duck for a walk around the school had Ilija legitimately smiling for the first time in what felt like weeks, “Really?” He asked, only now realising that his anxieties had momentarily been put to the back of his mind. “Why don’t you go with someone?” It was one of those questions that Ilija could use to figure out whether or not he wanted to push it. If it was because she didn’t have anyone to go with, then it gave him an opening no matter how unlikely it was that he would take it. “I have ducks too.” He said, although quickly thought he needed to clarify before Rowan got her hopes up. “Well my parents do. We sort of live in the middle of nowhere, and well yeah we have a lot of animals.” There was huge lake too that was full of various creatures, sometimes they were fun to just go out and watch.​

 

[Rowan Baros]

The conversation wasn't really going anywhere so much as kind of just happening, but, she needed to start somewhere for sure and this was the best place so far. Maybe this was how you got to know people? She wasn't good at this so she had to rely on whatever... senses, she had to be able to work this out. Which wasn't many when most of them were preoccupied with trying not to ruin whatever this was. She couldn't call this easy, because nothing was easy compared to how easy her relationship with Elio had been and it had happened ridiculously fast too. She certainly did not have the same or even similar expectations with Ilija, if or when they even became friends at all. She was hopeful, because she felt like there was maybe something in common, but she didn't know, because she didn't know him all that well, besides his name and that he had a sister, that was about it. Also that he was about as awkward about this as she was, which was probably a remarkable achievement. "Elio threatened to eat her for breakfast I think it was, once," she said, pouting and crossing her arms. Of course he didn't mean it, but still, he'd threatened it. All Matilda wanted to do was quack in his face, why was that such a big deal? Matilda was a lovely companion. She was just a bit grumpy sometimes, but Rowan would be too if she was threatened to be someone's breakfast. "I go at night time occasionally, and then I can go with someone, but, he doesn't like Matilda very much and she knows that I think," she said, "also, it's dark and scary at night and I'm tired all the time, so I prefer to go in the day time and I have no one to go with. I have to go by myself and I only have Matilda to talk to..." she added, thinking about the times she'd taken Matilda to the lake only to have to just sit there for a half hour by herself writing poetry, all of it rubbish, but she was writing it at least. She turned to him though when he mentioned he had ducks too, and she leaned off of the wall a bit excited. "You do?!" He clarified though and she sobered a little. Ducks were one of her absolute favourite marine animals, well, marine birds, her favourite marine animal was a Dolphin followed by a Seal. She was absolutely going to swim with both one day. "Do you live on a farm?" She asked curiously. "What kind of animals do you have?" Rowan didn't get to have a lot of animals because they didn't have like a terribly big house. It was big enough for all of them, but all the animals she used to adopt over the years often got moved to other places because they didn't have room. Like the one time Rowan tried to get here Dad to apparate an elephant into he living room. Because at the time it had made total sense to her.​

 

[Ilija Olaf]

Ilija was a little confused why Elio would want to even tease about that. It was her pet, that was just cruel. The Gryffindor worried him a bit sometimes, as though the most important thing was getting his voice heard over everyone else's, regardless of what people would think about what he was saying. Maybe he just said that to get a reaction out of Rowan although he didn't know why anyone would want to do that to someone who was meant to be their friend. "I could go with you if you want someone to walk with," he didn't mind the idea of talking while taking a duck for a walk. It was a bit easier than this would have been, talking while just stood awkward looking at one another. No, with Matilda they'd have something to focus most of the tension. Ilija swallowed nervously feeling as though he'd overstepped the mark a little, after all they had only just started talking really, "Or not. I know some people like their own company," he raised his eyebrows for a moment, knowing exactly who he was referring to. It was just easier to deal with when he didn't feel as though everything he was doing was under scrutiny. Rowan seemed luckily a bit too distracted by the idea he had animals though, which was a relief since he felt like he could have just dug himself his own hole if he wasn't careful. The fifth year shuffled in his seat a little, "Sort of," he said, nervous that he was either about to give away secrets about his family life that his parents would disapprove of, or he was going to over hype his home life and feel guilty about it whenever he spoke to Rowan again. "Um, well we have ducks and chickens. Mhairi likes to get the eggs when we're over on the holidays." Lina never really cared but then the gardens hadn't really ever been her thing, "We have um, four pygmy goats, I think, and then we have rabbits too but we have to keep them separated because of the foxes," he explained, thinking back to his home in Bulgaria and trying not to miss it too much as he spoke. "My dad made us a tree house before we started school. It's sort of in the middle of garden so you can watch everything. There's some possums, and a few hedgehogs around too. Mum wanted to get horses but I don't think they did in the end." His garden was more like a free for all roaming spot for small creatures more than a farm, but it could certainly feel like it when they had so many mouths to feed. "They all have their own areas of the garden, it's kind of hard to explain," he shrugged, feeling as though he wasn't really doing it justice.​

 

[Rowan Baros]

"You would..." Rowan had never expected Ilija to offer, though, she realised she might actually have asked him, slightly. She'd trailed off towards the end, talking about how Elio didn't go with her and she had to go by herself so she could see how that could have been interpreted as her asking for him to accompany her. She smiled lightly as he tried to backtrack. "No, no it's good, I'd love the company, honestly. There's only so many conversations I can have with Matilda before it starts to get repetitive." Rowan didn't like being on her own, something she'd only discovered now that she was on her own more often than she used to be. After all, when she was Elio were still she and Elio, there'd been almost no moments she'd been alone, or they'd be alone together. Sitting on the couches in the common room just napping, or studying, or whatever happened to take their fancy... she paused for a moment. Dear Merlin, she and Elio were cats! Well, that certainly explained why he didn't like Matilda. Mystery solved. She was enjoying her conversation with the Hufflepuff, which was more of a surprise than it probably should have been, considering. They'd only been aware of each other for five years or so, given they attended the same school and the same classes and such. Rowan often wondered if she'd have been different had she made more friends earlier on, though she wasn't sure she'd want to change her relationship with Elio for anything. That didn't mean she didn't sometimes dwell on what she might have been like had she been a little less cruel back in the day. Elsie always had been the nicer twin. She paid more attention to him as he started telling her about the "farm" he lived on, which turned out to be less of a farm so much as a reserve with a house. This only made Rowan happier to hear, as she disliked farms for a variety of different reasons if they were animal farms. In fact it had been a trip to a farm when she was eight that had completely turned her off of them, and into a vegan. Completely ethics related. She couldn't harm another creature... although apparently she could hurt people, as it turned out. "That sounds amazing. I don't actually like farms, they are horrible, but... that sounds more like a... a reserve? sort of anyway. So, they all have, like, their own little place, yeah?" She asked, trying to picture it in her head. She definitely would have liked to see it, it sounded amazing. "Can I see it?" She asked, looking at him. She frowned then, "wait, sorry, I can't invite myself to your house..." she bit her lip. "Can I?"​

 

[Ilija Olaf]

Sometimes Ilija felt like people invited him to things because they had to or felt bad if they didn't, but Rowan's offer seemed quite genuine. It was probably because of the way she was talking to him, like she didn't expect anything from him anyway, which helped a lot. "What.. kind of conversations do you have with a duck?" he asked, not surprised it got a little tricky after a while, but the thought of Rowan walking around chatting away to it was amusing. Ilija listened as she mentioned that she didn't like farms. He could see why. Even though at first he hadn't thought a farm was a big deal but the more he considered it the more he realised that it did sort of sound like a process of using the animals rather than looking after them. He hated the idea that the animals were getting hurt around the world. It had been Mhairi's idea a few years ago to go vegetarian and both siblings had joined her, although convincing their parents was a harder job when they were at home. "A reserve sounds nice," he smiled, liking the Gryffindors take on it and wondering how he hadn't even thought to call it that before. His smile faltered a little when Rowan then proceeded to ask if she could come over. How would that even work? He would have to host her with his family in his house, where would she sleep? How long would it be for? He liked the idea of having a friend over but the practicalities were so unsure. Maybe he was going to have to talk to Mhairi before she left for good, a lump forming in his throat as he realised he wasn't going to have her around to confide in for much longer. He didn't want to lose his sister. Lina had always been independent but Mhairi had had his back over the years. "I mean, that could be fun. I'll have to ask my family though," he said, not wanting to get her hopes up and then let her down. He'd done enough of that to people already.​

 

[Rowan Baros]

Rowan pursed her lips a little as she was asked about the kind of conversations one could have with a duck. Honestly, they weren't very in-depth, she wasn't trying to solve world problems with Matilda, though sometimes she was sure that Matilda had way better ideas about things than anything she could come up with. "Certainly not very long ones," she said, shrugging. "Mostly I tell her about my day and she'll add an occasional quack," Rowan grinned. "She's super smart though. She knows her name, and my name, and Elio's name," Matilda often quacked angrily whenever Rowan mentioned Elio, though she hadn't a clue why, "I'm sure she understands me when I talk to her. Sometimes I wish I could be a duck animagus, I'd be so happy as a duck." She wondered if Elio would go near her if she was a duck. She could certainly guarantee his safety since she wouldn't bite him. Maybe she could have helped him get over his fear of ducks by being a duck animagus. Much too late now though, her grades weren't good enough and she didn't fancy having a leaf in her mouth for a month. Not being able to talk for an entire month? Heck, she'd probably swallow it in her sleep or something. She'd done research years ago and she wasn't sure if it was true or not. It couldn't have been actually that hard though, since there were a few animagus' out there as it was. Surely it was simpler than what she'd read? She nodded at Ilija when he mentioned calling his place a reserve sounded nice. "It sounds a lot better, believe me. You hear about all the horror stories that come out of farms. It was a farm that turned me and my sister into vegans!" She told him, though she hadn't necessarily meant to mention it. It was just something she was passionate about, though she didn't voice it often, since she mostly didn't need to. "We befriended a cute cow one day, only to return the next day and learn it'd been killed for food. Haven't touched animal products since I was six." She'd been so worried her wand was going to have an animal core, but it didn't and she was honestly so thankful. She was sure it was constantly on Elsie's mind with her Erumpant Hide. "I prefer the term reserve because it sounds more open, you know?" She didn't like to think of cages and things for animals. She wasn't a huge fan of most zoos either, though she understood their purpose for certain things. Safari parks were much more her style, it gave plenty of room to roam whilst also keeping the animals safe. Best of both worlds really. "Oh! Of course no pressure. Sorry, I got a little overexcited. I shouldn't be inviting myself to people's homes randomly. Especially given we've never really spoken to each other before." Definitely an oversight. She seemed to get along ridiculously well with Ilija if their easy conversation was anything to go by, they seemed to have common interests, animals for one, and he just seemed generally like her complimented her personally, which was also something she'd never thought about until right now. Perhaps she should have tried to be his friend years ago. He was nice, she liked him. He was cute too, which was a plus, though, obviously not as cute as Elio, who would always be cutest in her eyes.​