Closed Time to Pick up the Pieces of My Scattered Mind

[Harper Alston]

Returning home this winter break had been an illuminating experience for Harper. At Hogwarts, it had been easy to hide her sadness from everyone, including herself. But she couldn't do that at home, where she was surrounded by people who had known her her entire life. As uncomfortable as that was, it was also a blessing. She could see bits of her old self reflected in their eyes, and together, they provided a sort of roadmap to the person she wanted to become.

She'd thought a lot about Professor Abberline's comment about emotion and magic, and while Harper still didn't think that had been her issue, she couldn't deny that self-transfiguration had become a lot easier since the start of the break. Now, her goal of completing her animagus training by graduation didn't seem so far-fetched. Of course, a lot of her progress stemmed from the training sessions she'd had with Professor Abberline. He had graciously agreed to continue her lessons over the break, and they'd been meeting up regularly at a library in Brightstone.

That was where Harper was waiting now. She'd arrived at the study room a little early, as she always did, and was meditating in preparation for today's lesson. While Harper couldn't say she enjoyed meditating, she'd come to appreciate the practice. She'd progressed beyond limbs to more complex self-transfigurations, which were much more nerve-wracking, and she knew she had to start every lesson as calm and focused as possible.

 

[Charles Abberline]

''Sorry I'm late - again,'' Charlie said as he closed the door behind him and hurriedly made his way to the other side of the study room. ''You would think that Magical Law Enforcement would have recruited new members for the squad, but no, they haven't.'' Sometimes he couldn't tell if he was late or if she was just that early, but other times he found himself arriving late to their lessons because of how demanding his job was. Especially since winter was apparently the season in which every criminal decided to come out of their little hidey-hole and cause chaos. ''Ah, I see that you have already started? Wonderful.'' It didn't surprise him to see that Harper was already meditating and preparing for their next session together. It did him good to see how serious she was taking it. Charlie rolled up his sleeves and waited patiently for her to get up on her feet. He'd arrived late and wanted to continue to advance into more complex self-transfiguration before the end of the lesson.

 

[Harper Alston]

At the sound of Professor Abberline's voice, Harper opened her eyes and glanced at her watch. "You're not that late," she said with a smile. His tardiness had never bothered her. He was already doing her a huge favour by holding these lessons while he had a stressful Ministry job to attend to. Plus, magic saved her so much time that it felt silly to get upset over a few lost minutes. It still boggled her mind to know that she could travel from her house to Brightstone in a split second. "Are they not hiring?" she asked, curious. Harper occasionally got glimpses into his life as a hit wizard during these lessons, and she always found them interesting, especially since she was hoping to eventually work for the MLE.

Harper gave a little shrug and got up. "I was just meditating. I haven't tried any self-transfigurations yet." She knew she'd reached the point where she could probably start safely practicing smaller self-transfigurations by herself, but she'd wanted to wait for Professor Abberline to arrive before doing any practical work. "What are we working on today?" she asked, walking over to an empty spot in the room that was clear of furniture.

 

[Charles Abberline]

''They are hiring but not many people fancy a job fighting the dark arts these days, and those that do would much rather become an Auror - not that there is anything wrong with wanting to be an Auror, of course,'' Charlie added quickly, knowing that she herself had the ambition to join the Auror Office once she finished her education. ''If only they would advertise more, perhaps then we might attract more graduates to the squad. I mean, who doesn't want a personal bed reserved for them at St. Mungo's? But no, the higher-ups would rather sit behind their desks all day and act like everything's fine and dandy.'' He took a deep breath in and out. ''Ah, well, I shouldn't bore you with my many complaints about the failures of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. It's quite fun work if you ignore all the bad things.''

He thought about what they should work on today for a moment, and wondered if he should suggest what he'd been thinking of. They'd progressed beyond limbs and both of them knew that she was ready to move on to more advanced self-transfiguration. But was she ready for what he wanted her to do next? With the knowledge that she told him that she was going to accept her fears, Charlie decided that he was going to suggest it anyway. ''I was thinking that we might move on to the face next,'' the Hit Wizard answered.

 

[Harper Alston]

Harper listened sympathetically as Professor Abberline explained the situation at the department, shrugging a little at his comment about aurors. She didn't take it personally. His rant did make her wonder if crime was up and things weren't quite as rosy as the Minister for Magic candidates had made it seem during the election season. "Well when you put it that way, who wouldn't want to join?" Harper asked lightly. "No, but seriously, that does sound frustrating," she said, her tone turning sympathetic. She appreciated this unfiltered look into the department. As someone who hadn't grown up in the magical world, she was always at an information disadvantage, and she wanted to be as informed as possible when she finally chose a career.

Even though Harper had known she would eventually have to tackle facial transfigurations if she ever wanted to complete her training, Professor Abberline's answer still made her stomach twist. There was so much detail involved with the face, and if things went wrong, they could go very wrong. Harper had always figured that in a worst case scenario, if she screwed up a wing or a leg, she could at least hide it. She couldn't exactly go her entire life hiding her face if she messed that up. "I thought you might say that," Harper said with a faint smile. It wasn't like there were a whole lot of body parts left to learn to transfigure now that she'd mastered the limbs. She took a deep breath, trying to mentally prepare herself. "Should I focus on specific features? Or just, kind of, go for a full transfiguration and see how far I can get?"

 

[Charles Abberline]

Charlie knew that it wasn't very professional of him to rant about the negligence of the department in front of Harper, but after a tiresome evening shift during which he had to deal with scum and villainy on his own, he just couldn't keep his frustrations to himself. He also didn't want to give her a bad impression of what working for the Department of Magical Law Enforcement would be like. At least he managed to tell her that members of the department were well looked after if they would get injured on the job. He smiled at her sympathy and said, ''The pay is nice, though.'' They had that going for them at least, which was something he couldn't say of some other departments within the Ministry.

The look on Harper's face when he mentioned to her that he wanted her to work on facial transfiguration next was the look he expected her to have. It was his turn to give the girl a sympathetic smile. After what had happened last semester he could understand that she wasn't exactly looking forward to advancing to this part of her Animagus training. Still, it had to be done if she wanted to complete her training successfully. And unlike before, they already knew what needed to be done to reverse a botched self-transfiguration. ''Why don't we start off small, mhm? Focus on your nose and mouth for now and try to transfigure it into the bird's beak if you can,'' Charlie answered, not wanting to take risks by having her go for a full transfiguration of the face.

 

[Harper Alston]

Harper couldn't help but think Professor Abberline had seemed happier with his job back when he was teaching, though she supposed that wasn't really a fair comparison. Even if he had been unhappy at Hogwarts, there was no way he would've let his students know. Plus, she figured there had to be a reason he had decided to go back to the Ministry. "That's something, at least." She would hope that the MLE paid its employees well considering how dangerous their jobs could be.

Growing a beak was probably the last thing Harper wanted to do. If she got stuck, would she even be able to let Professor Abberline know? Then again, she supposed she'd rather lose her ability to speak than mess up her vision. Harper shook her head slightly as if to physically clear her thoughts. She couldn't think that way. She needed to approach this with the mindset that she would do it perfectly. "Okay." Still, she couldn't resist grabbing her wand. If something went wrong, she figured she could draw out HELP in the air with a nonverbal wand writing charm. Or just make panicking noises.

Harper didn't use the visions as much anymore, especially when it came to the easier self-transfigurations. But this time, she spent several minutes concentrating on the vision. Her lips tingled, and she automatically tensed, but the pain that had defined her last facial transfiguration attempt never came. Cautiously, she continued with the transformation. Her nose and mouth elongated, turning into a black beak that curved downward and had a yellow base. Harper opened her eyes and tentatively brought a hand to her mouth, no, beak. It was a little hard to breathe, and she didn't know if that was because of the adrenaline or the transfiguration. "Does it look right?" she asked. Or at least, that's what Harper would've asked if she had been able to speak. Instead, a high-pitched shrieking noise came from her beak that caused her to flinch.

 

[Charles Abberline]

If Charlie's teaching job at Hogwarts had taught him one thing it was that he wasn't as keen on working for the Ministry anymore as he used to be. Instead, he wished that he could have stayed on as the upper-year Transfiguration Professor, finding that teaching was in a way much more rewarding than running around the country to catch and arrest the lowlifes of the Wizarding community. He wasn't going to tell any of that to Harper though. Which was why he also decided not to tell her that he had applied for one of the teaching positions that had opened up over the winter break, and that in a week from now he'd have an interview with whoever was going to be the new Headmaster of Headmistress of Hogwarts.

He watched cautiously as she spent several minutes in quiet. He got the feeling that she was calling forth the bird of her visions for this, though couldn't tell for sure since she hadn't needed the visions much whenever they worked on self-transfiguring limbs. The only thing he could do was to watch quietly and stay vigilant in case something bad did happen. Instead, he saw that Harper's nose and mouth were slowly transforming into the bird's black beak. Charlie grinned widely when she brought a hand to her mouth only for her to find out that she had successfully transformed it. He was going to tell her that she had done a wonderful job when she let out a high-pitched shrieking noise. ''I don't speak bird, Harper,'' he said cheekily, grinning still. ''But I think that we can call this a success. Try to reverse the transformation now, alright?''

 

[Harper Alston]

Harper tried to smile — which proved to be impossible since she no longer had lips. This was definitely going to take some getting used to. She nodded. The beak was a little uncomfortable, and she was still having trouble breathing. Harper closed her eyes and concentrated. For a brief, awful moment, nothing happened. Her grip on her wand tightened, inadvertently causing it to emit a few sparks. No. She refused to get stuck. Harper still couldn't exhale properly, so she counted to 10 instead before re-doubling her focus on the vision. Slowly, the transformation reversed itself, and she sucked in a deep lungful of air.

After touching her nose and mouth and confirming they had reappeared, she smiled at Professor Abberline. "I guess we now know I won't be a songbird," Harper joked, though she'd known this for a while if the large talons she grew when she transformed her feet were anything to judge by. The weird screeching noise also confirmed her form wouldn't be an owl, unless there were any owl species that shrieked instead of hooted. "Did that beak look right to you? My breathing felt a little weird. I can't tell if that was normal or if I mis-transfigured a lung or something." It had been interesting to discover that she'd transfigured her vocal cords without realising it.

 

[Charles Abberline]

Charlie watched proudly as Harper started to concentrate on reversing the transformation. There didn't seem to be anyone wrong with the beak she had managed to appear but he couldn't be certain until she confirmed that all was well. He stepped aside when sparks began emitting from Harper's wand, a tell that made it clear to him that she was trying her best to concentrate on undoing it. It was only natural that she was going to struggle a little seeing as this was the first time she tried to transform a portion of her face, so he wasn't too worried. He returned the smile, glad that she successfully undid the transformation, and chuckled lightly at her joke. ''I won't claim to be a bird expert so I have no idea what you could be either. Perhaps we should start looking up birds, though that could take ages. Loads of birds have black beaks that curve downward.'' What did worry him a little was that she told him that she had had difficulty breathing with the beak. Stroking his stubble beard, Charlie thought about what could possibly cause that to occur. ''Well, the beak itself looked right to me, so it could very well be a mis-transfigured lung. Do you want to try it again to see if it's different this time?'' he asked.

 

[Harper Alston]

Harper found it a little frustrating that she had such a difficult time remembering her visions once they were over. They were like dreams in that way. Maybe if she could recall exactly what the bird looked like, she could look through pictures and try to find a match. "I did once take a couple of my feathers to Eyelop's to try and see if they could help me figure out my form," she admitted. "It didn't help. They gave me the wrong bird." Now that she thought about it, that whole excursion could have been part of the reason she'd faced so many setbacks in her training. She had wasted a lot of time trying to visualize spotted owls when it turned out her form wasn't an owl at all.

It seemed Professor Abberline didn't know what the issue was either. Harper wondered if it would help to read up on bird anatomy or if that would just prove to be an unnecessary distraction. After all, she was supposed to be able to do this through intuition. "Let me try." Harper was about to give it another go when she thought twice and decided to conjure a small mirror instead. She wanted to be able to see the beak herself. Once she had her mirror in hand, she closed her eyes and let the vision come to her. This time, she was able to complete the self-transfiguration a little more quickly, something she noted with satisfaction. Each transformation still came with a bout of nerves, but they were less and less bothersome.

Harper opened her eyes and brought the mirror up to her face. Suddenly she couldn't breathe, and a phantom pain swept over her cheek, bringing with it a wave of terror. Harper squeezed her eyes shut, not noticing that she'd dropped the mirror. It took her a few moments to realise that the pain she'd felt hadn't been real, and she ran a finger along her cheek, relieved to find that there weren't any feathers. She focused for a second, undoing the beak. When Harper finally opened her eyes, she couldn't meet Professor Abberline's gaze. "Sorry, I need a second. I... I just need some water," she lied, not wanting to admit that the sight of her partially transfigured face in the mirror had triggered a flashback to the accident. She took a step towards her bag, which held her water bottle, and heard something crunch underfoot. Glancing down, Harper realised the mirror had shattered when she'd dropped it.

 

[Charles Abberline]

It surprised him a little to hear that Eyelop's wasn't able to figure out what kind of bird Harper could transfigure herself into. You'd think that a shop that focuses mostly on owls and other birds would have at least some idea of what kind of bird would have feathers like that. Perhaps he should look through one of his grandfather's many old bird encyclopedias to find out if he could decipher what kind of bird she would be. He would have to ask Harper to transfigure him a feather or two at the end of the lesson. ''I'm sure we'll find out what kind of bird you are soon enough anyway,'' Charlie said. She was getting better and better at transfiguring with every lesson so he wondered if he even had to look things up himself. He also wondered when she would be able to transfigure herself entirely into the bird because things seemed to be going fast when minor setbacks weren't occurring. He nodded when she tried again, watching patiently and cautiously, readying himself to react immediately if need be.

It appeared that Charlie was wrong about minor setbacks not occurring. He was holding onto his wand before the mirror dropped to the floor, his reaction time still on point even after six months of not having to work as a Hit Wizard. He approached Harper while he watched the beak disappear once more to be replaced by her mouth and nose. ''Are you alright?'' he asked after a moment before quickly casting the Mending charm onto the broken mirror. ''What happened there?'' He thought that he already knew the answer to that question but wanted to hear it from her regardless.

 

[Harper Alston]

Though Harper had had her own set of pre-game superstitions and rituals back when she used to play sports, she generally tried not believe in that kind of stuff. Still, she couldn't help the sinking feeling in her stomach as she watched Professor Abberline mend the broken mirror. "Guess that's seven years' bad luck," she murmured, attempting a joking tone that fell flat. Somehow, she'd managed to keep hold of her wand, and she levitated the now-fixed mirror onto a nearby table. "I'm fine," she said, aware that she probably didn't look fine. The blood had drained from her face, and she felt out of breath.

Ignoring Professor Abberline's last question, Harper made her way to her water bottle and took a sip. When her heart finally stopped racing, she considered her response. Part of her wanted to lie because she didn't want him to put these lessons on pause again. She had made so much progress recently, and it had been weeks since she'd had any sort of nightmare or flashback. Harper couldn't bear the thought of having to stop again. But she also knew dishonesty and advanced magic were never a good mix. "I had a flashback," she finally admitted. "Seeing myself in the mirror, you know, with the beak, made me think of the accident." She paused. "I am fine now though. Really." Now that the moment had passed, Harper felt silly for ever being scared. "The mirror was just a bad idea."

 

[Charles Abberline]

''Eh, that's just something adults tell their kids to get them to not break things,'' Charlie replied lightly.
He stowed his wand back into the backside pocket of his trousers as he walked to where he had put down his backpack. She looked far from fine but he had come prepared for moments like this. He opened his backpack, rummaged through it, and pulled out a bar of chocolate. It wasn't that he didn't trust Harper to self-transfigure without getting scared or afraid, he believed her when she told him that she was going to accept that a part of her was always going to be somewhat scared, it was just a precaution of his to bring chocolate with him. He made his way back to where they were practising and broke off a piece of chocolate that he handed to her. ''Eat up, you'll feel better in no time,'' Charlie said.

He listened attentively as she told him what had happened. ''Right, let's not use the mirror again, then,'' Charlie said with a weak smile. Though he would have advised against using a mirror to see what the beak would look like, he could understand why she had conjured one to have a look at it. To transfigure a beak after all this time, of course she would want to see it. ''It looked good, by the way, the beak did. And you did make it appear and disappear rather quickly this time. I'd say you're getting better and better at it, even when experiencing a flashback.''

''And don't worry about me discontinuing our lessons because of this. You haven't disappointed me or broken your promise to me once, so you're all good,'' he continued. They had made so much progress with these lessons that stopping them now would only make the setback even greater.

 

[Harper Alston]

Harper was hardly surprised when Professor Abberline pulled out a bar of chocolate and offered her a piece. Something about the familiarity of the gesture was comforting, and she was glad to have the distraction. "Thanks," she said quietly. She took a bite, trying to focus on the candy and not the memory of the accident. "Does chocolate actually have healing properties or is it more of a comfort thing?" It was something she'd been wondering given how he always seemed to have chocolate with him.

She nodded. "I just... wanted to see it for myself. Thought it might help with future visualizations or something." Even though Harper knew the visions alone should be enough, it still felt strange to work off something so... intangible. She smiled slightly at the words of encouragement. They weren't really necessary — she'd worked hard to try and regain her old confidence and she now knew she was capable of becoming an animagus — but she appreciated them all the same.

The reassurance that the lessons weren't over brought a wave of relief. "Sometimes I think you can read my mind," she said with a faint smile, an oblique admission that that was exactly what she'd been worried about. Harper was quiet for a few moments as she took another sip of water. "You don't have to answer this, but why aren't you an animagus yourself?" He knew the theory well enough to teach it, and he had already proven to be more than adept at self-transfiguration. She would have assumed that anyone with the opportunity would try and become an animagus.

 

[Charles Abberline]

Charlie's reason for bringing chocolate with him to their training sessions had to do with the fact that chocolate was often used as a remedy to raise people's spirits. It was also full of sugars which were good for regaining energy. And by the looks of it, he was right to assume that Harper could have used some chocolate. ''I wouldn't necessarily say that it has healing properties but it is often used as a remedy for those with low sugar and such. It's extremely helpful against a Dementor attack, which is something you might want to remember, by the way,'' Charlie answered with a wink, hoping that she would know what he meant by that. He was fairly sure that she would learn about Dementors in her last year at Hogwarts.

He thought that she was right in thinking that it might have helped with future visualisations, but couldn't help but wonder how well thought out the idea had been. ''Mind if I have a look at one of those feathers of yours? I inherited a bunch of my grandfather's bird encyclopedias, perhaps I might have more success than Eyelops.'' He didn't think that he would much more successful but it couldn't hurt to give it a go. ''I could even bring them with me next time so we could both have a look.''

He chuckled at her words. It would have been much easier at times if he could actually read her mind and know what she thought. But after spending the entire second semester as well as a bit of the winter break with Harper, he had gotten to know how she thought quite well. ''I might be a gifted Legilimens, who knows?'' he said with a small laugh. He thought about her question for a moment and found himself asking the same thing. Why hadn't he also tried it? He knew the theory well enough after teaching it to three students. He could do it if he tried as well. ''I only started liking Transfiguration when I was in my fourth year, and at that time, I had other things on my mind. And it's not like I have a bunch of time to do it now. It'd be fun, though.''

 

[Harper Alston]

Harper was a little surprised to hear that chocolate was used for dementor attacks. Somehow, she hadn't expected something so ordinary to be an antidote to something so magical. She nodded, assuming Professor Abberline had given her the tip because she wanted to be an auror. "That's good, because I still don't know how to do a Patronus Charm." And not for lack of trying. She'd attempted it a couple times, especially early on in her training, in the hopes it would give her a clue as to what her form would be. But all she had ever managed to conjure was acrid black smoke.

"Sure." Harper glanced down at a spot on her wrist and focused for a second. A long brown feather with blonde stripes appeared, and she plucked it, barely blinking at the stinging sensation. She held it out for Professor Abberline to take. "That might help," she said when he offered to bring the encyclopedias to their next lesson. "Maybe I'll recognise the bird if I see a picture of it."

She smiled at his comment. Even if he wasn't an actual legilimens, Harper assumed he'd developed a knack for reading people and detecting lies through his work as a hit wizard. Besides, she'd spent so much time trying to describe her thought process during her transformations that she was pretty sure Professor Abberline knew how her mind worked by now. She listened thoughtfully as he answered her question. "It probably wouldn't take you that long if you did decide to do it now." After all, he already knew all the theory. "Plus, I bet it would help with your job."

 

[Charles Abberline]

She made the brown and blonde feather appear with such ease that Charlie shook his head with a grin. It showed that she had regained her old confidence, which he was already aware of, naturally, but it was still nice to see. ''Look at you making feathers appear as if it is nothing,'' he said when he took the feather she offered him. The blonde stripes might make it easier to identify it when flipping through the encyclopedias because looking at it right now did not give him any idea whatsoever on what kind of bird she could be. He would have to bring the books with him to their next lesson to get a better idea of things as it could very well be that Harper might recognise a bird from her visions. ''It might not take me long at all but it requires a certain dedication, as you may know, which I don't know if I can offer. I'll keep it in mind, though. As I said, it would be kind of fun.'' He wondered for a moment what kind of animal he would turn into. He knew that the form of his Patronus was that of a Newfoundland but that didn't necessarily mean that he would transform into a dog himself. A crow perhaps? Or a bonobo? Both were known the be intelligent creatures, which he wouldn't mind turning into. He was definitely going to think about what animal he would transform into throughout the rest of the week now. ''Ah, well, who knows, could be a fun project for the future. Anyhow, how about we focus on your training again? Do you wish to continue or do you need another moment?''

 

[Harper Alston]

Harper hadn't thought twice about the little bit of self-transfiguration she'd done — at least not until Professor Abberline pointed it out. She smiled. Even now, she sometimes felt like she wasn't making much progress day to day. But looking back, Harper had to admit she'd come pretty far since the days when making even one feather appear had been a struggle.

Though Professor Abberline's comment about dedication made sense, Harper still kind of thought he should just go for it. "You know, I've never really thought about this as being fun—" "stressful" and "exhausting" were the descriptors that came to mind first when she thought about her training "—but you're right. It is pretty fun. Satisfying, too. As long as you don't turn yourself into some kind of bird-human mutant," she said with a little grin. Harper figured she'd earned the right to joke about it after having to experience it firsthand.

Thanks to the chocolate and conversation, Harper felt a lot better. "I'm good," she said, setting her water bottle down. She waved her wand over the mirror, vanishing it. She would not be looking into one of those again, at least not until she managed a full transfiguration of her head. "Should I try the beak again?"

 

[Charles Abberline]

''And here I thought that turning yourself into some kind of bird-human mutant was all part of the plan to get extra lessons over the winter break,'' the Hit Wizard said jokingly. ''But I'll think about it.'' As long as he wouldn't botch it up himself, things could go rather smoothly. Or at least he hoped they would. He didn't particularly fancy getting stuck as a half-bird, half-human hybrid himself. He then nodded at the question and said, ''Let's try the beak one more time. If it appears as easy as the previous two attempts, then I think we're good to progress further.'' He wasn't sure what they would choose to transform next but he was confident that it would go as well as the beak. Thinking about it, he wondered if they should do the eyes next and if that would freak Harper out or not. She would have to transfigure them eventually but he could understand if she would rather postpone that session. Whatever they were going to do next, he trusted her not to botch anything up. Charlie gripped his wand tightly and readied himself once more, waiting patiently for Harper to try and make the beak appear. She could do it, he knew she could.