Closed Terrible at Secrets

[Casper Kinnek]

Casper had been avoiding Linden since coming back from break. Honestly, it felt more and more like a fading dream with every day that passed. They'd been back at school for a little over a month. Cas couldn't even look at Linden, afraid of what might be in his eyes when he did. He got out of bed early, didn't go back to the dorm until late. He'd even taken to avoiding the arts room, instead just spending all his time hidden out in the gardens.

Cas hated this. He missed Linden. He'd been even broodier than usual. Cas was a very affectionate, clingy person. Linden had given him a taste of the physical contact he'd been craving for years, and now that Cas had to pretend that he and Linden hadn't changed, he felt like he was starving. His sleep had turned restless and he fidgeted constantly, sadder and more on edge. This was a lot harder than he had expected.

He had been out in the gardens, but a sudden storm had forced him to make a mad dash back to the castle. Not wanting to risk the common room, Casper automatically went back to where he was the most comfortable. He was soaking wet, shivering, dripping cold rain as he entered the room.

 

[Linden Kinnek]

It was the last semester of school. it was funny to think how much of the future would be based on how and what happened over the next few weeks. it was no surprises to hear that NEWTS were well and truly on lindens mind. however there was another topic on lins mind that was taking up just as bigger part. Casper. they had spent almost the whole break together. and it had been wonderful. from time spent in Germany getting to know his family to spending time at home often spending then fights curlled up together in his bed. not thatthey ever did anything more than cuddling or kissing. cas wasn't ready for that but it was nice.
what he hadn't expected was the shock to the system that school would bring. Ever since returning back to Hogwarts lin had hardly seen cas. sure they shared a dorm but cas would often vanish for most of the day and lin had no idea where he went. he hoped that his boyfriend wasn't regretting what had happened. not only was he missing his boyfriend lin was also missing his best friend. he tried to make opportunities to spend time together. he would study in the arts club something that he had started doing the previous semester where he would work and cas would paint. both just enjoying each other's company. but cas hardly ever showed up. he wondered if he should move to elsewhere and let cas have his space back. but he didn't still hold out hope that one day his cas would come.
he was studying herbology and hoping he would never encounter any of the plants they were studying outside of a textbook or pocked, dried and ground in the apothecary when he heard the rain start to pour outside. a few moments later the door opened and a figure entered drenched through and shivering. he got up to help the guy before it even registered that it was cas. he glanced around to make sure that no one was nearby. he had been in the room long enough to know that it was pretty much empty other than a few of the music kids but they sounded like they were still in the music rooms and none of them seemed to be in the corridor. he stepped closer to the man and putting his arms around him not caring that he would get wet too "Hello there Boyfriend" he said. looking up and kissing him. Caspers's lips tasted cold and like the rain. "come on let's get you dry and warm" he said looking back to the art room where his books lay spread across the table and the fireplace stood empty he looked back at cas. "I've missed you".

 

[Casper Kinnek]

Casper froze when Linden appeared, unable to move. He kissed Linden back easily, whining lightly when Linden pulled away and following for half a second before snapping back to himself. Cas shut his eyes, focusing very hard to keep himself from collapsing against the other man. "I-I... I miss you too," he managed softly, taking a step back and blindly reaching for the door handle. "I- should- I should go," he spoke slowly, reluctance clear in his voice. He still didn't look at Linden, knowing he'd lose his resolve to leave if he did.

 

[Linden Kinnek]

not only did Linden miss having Casper close to him, the hugs and kisses they had shared over the holidays he missed just hanging out with his best friend. "I am glad to hear that. and here was me thinking that you were avoiding your BFF" he teased reaching for Caspers hand as he started to move away. "Cas. it is pouring down out there and you, my cassopiller, are soaked through and shivering. I am afraid i can't, as a friend and as a boyfriend, let you leave" he said he stepped away from casper keeping hold of his hand and reached for his wand. he cast a a hot air charm and directing it towards Caspers clothes. come and sit down by the fire. he said gesturing to the empty fireplace with his wand and focusing a moment later a fire appeared in the hearth as though it had been burning for hours. he turned back to his boyfriend his "Please stay, i think we need to talk, he said finishing off the sentence in his head, and if you don't want to, this was your space first, i should be the one to go." he said as he tried to make eye contact with him for the first time in weeks. if cas really wanted to avoid him he could. he would pack up his things and move his study to the library so cas could have his space back. but he hoped that would not be the case.

 

[Casper Kinnek]

Cas couldn't say he was surprised that Linden didn't let him leave, shivering a bit as Linden reminded him he was currently dressed as a drowned cat. "I was," he admitted softly, unable to lie to his boyfriend. Cas had been avoiding Linden. He hated it, but he didn't know what else to do. A little bit of spellwork and he felt both drier and a bit warmer, a little less uncomfortable.

Cas was still arguing with himself when Linden managed to catch his eyes. Casper's eyes widened slightly and his shoulders slumped, his willpower draining completely. "Linden," he breathed, and without another thought he stepped forward, catching the man in a tight hug. Cas shut his eyes, a shiver not related to the rain or the cold running up his spine. He sighed, relaxing immensely and practically collapsing against Linden.

 

[Linden Kinnek]

linden felt his shoulders drop slightly as cas said that he had indeed been avoiding him "oh" was all he managed to get out as response though his brain was screaming another question at him. why? he didn't know what to say in response the that. he just busied himself in getting the room warmer and cas dry.
He was just getting some things moved when he felt Caspers arms around him his boyfriend holding onto him as though there had been no time or distance between them this last month. he stiffened slightly as his man fell against him. stiffly putting his arms around him. "Why Cas?" he said softly though his thoughts soon built up emotion "you can't say you miss me and that you have been avoiding me, it doesn't work like that. we are meant to be dating, in secret sure but we were still meant to be friends. I didn't realise that dating in secret meant cas vanishes for a month and lin just hangs out in the arts room hoping he would eventually show up and they would spend some time together even if it is just while cas paints." he said. moving back so that he could see caspers face and casper could see his. cas wasn't the only one who could be hurt.

 

[Casper Kinnek]

Casper's heart fell into his feet as Linden tensed, unthinkingly tensing himself as Linden spoke and pulled back. His cheeks burning, Cas pulled back, taking a few steps away. He hated himself, more often that not, but it came back in full force in that moment. Cas hung his head, wringing his hands as his nerves went to war in his head. "I-" he stammered, and just moved to fall into a nearby seat, removing himself from the almost painful need to touch Linden. It didn't make it go away, but it helped.

"I don't know what to do," he admitted softly. "I usually- no one ever-" Cas groaned, tangling his hands in his hair and resting his elbows on his knees. "I don't want to mess this up," he spoke slowly, struggling to make sense. "I- I made this," he felt frustrated that he couldn't communicate properly, and reached into his bag, pulling out the journal and offering it to Linden, not looking up.

 

[Linden Kinnek]

linden felt Casper move away from him. he felt the space between them a mile apart. "Cas' he said. as the other man sat down he took a seat next to him putting his hand on Casper's arm. "I know buttercup. but I'm not anyone" he said. leaning towards him.
he sighed as cas said that he didn't want to mess this up. "I know. I don't want to mess this up either. which is why we need to talk" he said. "If you want space. then i can go. hang out in the library. but you have to let me know." he said.
he hadn't expected Casper to reach into his bag. but he took out a journal and gave it to him. he wasn;t sure what to expect. He opened it and it was filled with pictures. not Caspers usual art style but a comic strip following a cartoon boy who was clearly Casper watching as he faded to a ghost. "Is that?" he said pointing to one of the other figures who seemed to be Lucas. "And that?" he asked pointing to another who seemed to be Lysander. he looked at Casper and put his arms around him. "Casper, you are not a glass ghost" he said into his collar.

 

[Casper Kinnek]

Cas twisted his arm automatically, trying to catch Lindens hand in his own. "No," he almost pleaded softly, not wanting Linden to leave. He let Lin work through the comment, nodding softly at Lins questions. He was surprised when he got a hug and immediately shook his head. "It's not glass. It's frozen. Keep reading." He nudged Linden gently. Cas couldn't explain it properly but this was his best attempt.

 

[Linden Kinnek]

linden listened as cas said that it wasn't glass but ice. right, sorry" he said before reading further through the comic. the case figure wittign in a tree house with another figure who he asumed was Sebastian. but that figure left and the case got a little colder a little more frozen, a little less colour. then a scene that was the dorms. the three of them hanging out. except there was something off about licas and his character was slightly different than the others. in the next scene a figure practically growing out to the flowers which would be lysander. the cas figure holding him and flowers growing through him obscuring him. but cas trying to break through the wall of vines. holding a heart out out through the leaves. but the lysander took a sword but instead of cutting the plants down cut the heart. then they were in the dorm. and linen remembered this night. the night everything in the dorm changed. when he and lucas started falling apart when it was clear that there was too much between Kasim and lucas. he had been sad that night. the day he had told Lucas he loved him and Lucas had not rejected him but just cast so much suspicion on him. and though caspers eyes the scheme was far more blue. "are you alright cas" he said blinking his eyes a few times.

 

[Casper Kinnek]

Cas was nervous. He wasn't sure what Lin was going to think. He shrugged at the question. "Fine as I ever am," he countered softly, reaching up and tucking Lins hair back. "Keep reading," he urged softly. Maybe it was working? Cas chewed on his lip lightly. He was worried how Lin would react to this. Maybe it was a bad idea.

 

[Linden Kinnek]

Lin turned the page he had a feeling he knew what would be next. a Casper alone in the art room fading away into the dark until there was nothing left of him but eyes and the outline of a shadow in the nothingness. "when you say as fine as you ever are. that's not even close to fine at all is it?" he said. turning to the next page where someone else came in lighting up the world like they were on fire. this conversation had been a turning point at least for him. and seeing it through caspers eyes the shadow became just a little more solid, a little less frozen hints of purple filling in the ice as the two people hugged. he felt his own eyes prickle as he looked at cas. "you don't have to share if you don't want to. i get it" he said realising how much of cas he was seeing right now in these panels and lines and not knowing if he would be able to share the same amount of himself.

 

[Casper Kinnek]

Cas shrugged. "Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to," he replied instead, running his hand through his hair. He just watched the fire, giving Linden time to look through the book. "Just look through it, would you?" He asked softly.

He'd already thought too hard about this. Linden needed to know what he was getting into. Cas wasn't Lucas. He wasn't some great head boy perfect seeker with loads of friends. He had Linden, and more recently Sky and Alex. Lucas sometimes, when he wasn't mad, upset with other things, or busy with his other friends.

And Cas' family? He barely knew his mother. Tara was still just Lindens. He barely knew Maisie. And while he loved the Becketts, he'd always felt like an add on, like a burden. Cas was just.... There. He still expected Linden to walk away from this. Maybe it was better if Linden saw too much and broke it off now. Cas barely had any faith in this relationship as it was, he'd rather lose it before he had the chance to start believing in it.

 

[Linden Kinnek]

Lin shook his head as cas said that he didn't want to ask questions if he didn't want the answers. "no, it's not that. I didn't want to feel like I was overstepping" he said. "I didn't realise how much, what did you call it, mess there was to untangle" he said turning the page. this page was different a montage of different scenes of cas sad and alone. heart broken in some way. one was him after his aunt had died, one when when he had been in the tree house. and every time the character that he could see as himself took each of the pieces of the shattered heart put them together and put them back into caspers broken chest, some of the times he could recall. big times cheering cas up. other times were moments he had half forgotten. but in each time the heart was put together there was a scar on it, and the broken chest was just a little more covered. the next page showed cas trying to give lin his heart on many occasions and lin giving it back. not broken but a little colder. a little more icy. lin looked at cas. he supposed that st least explained all the times he had messed up for some unknown reason. why they had, especially in the last few months fallen out so often. "cas iI" he said getting up and moving from the seat he was on to sitting next to cas on his. if he was going to read this, read about all of caspers past heartbreak and sadness he wanted to be as close to his man as he could snuggled up together and sharing each others warmth. "I love you no matter what" he whispered into capsers ear before turning to the next page.

 

[Casper Kinnek]

Cas shifted as Linden sat with him, shutting his eyes and leaning his head on Lindens' shoulder. He didn't have to look to know where Linden was at. He'd spent all month on the project and knew the pages very well. The next set was his cold figure, with little splotches of color coming through, fading in and out as Linden came and went. He became less of a shadow, more translucent and see through but with hints of color. Other figures still passed through or ignored him, but every so often the other figure, warm and earthy and radiant like the sun through the leaves of a tree would reach over and touch him, startling him. His heart would jump out and he'd push it back, the figure always reaching over to brush the frozen blue back over his chest.

But then it shifted. There were soft lights everywhere, the figure was closer, and unexpectedly it reached over, brushing the blue away from his heart. Casper would act surprised and try to push the blue back over it, but the figure persisted, lying his palm over Casper's heart and not moving it. The scenery shifted and several images followed- one, in which the cold spread and started to snuff out the fire of the other figure. Another, the frostbitten hands lay gently onto the warm wrists and the figure jerked back, looking disgusted. Another, the blue started to fade and the color slowly returned only for the fire to remove itself and chase after a better, more colorful figure.

 

[Linden Kinnek]

Linden felt slightly better reading the book with casper by his side he put one hand in caspers hair as he rested his head on his shoulder. his character kept putting colour back into cas. every time he tried to cheer him up when he was sad. it started with brshing the blue away when they were close to one part where he had his hand on caspers heart deliberately giving him warmth. the other side of the page moved from that scene and split. showing a lot of stories. lin looked at each of them. "is this why you were avoiding me?" he asked "you were scared of me burning you to nothing, or you freezing my hands off" he asked. he looked at cas rested the book on their laps, leaned hs head against caspers and put his hand against caspers chest where his heart was. "Oh, Buttercup. baby. thank you for being so brave and showing me that" he said turning his body and bringing his knees around so his legs were over caspers lap. "I'm not going anywhere he said leaning against his man

 

[Casper Kinnek]

Casper hummed softly, loving the hand in his hair. He shook his head at Lindens question. "No," He murmured, distracted as Lin spoke again. He blushed, gently brushing his fingers over the back of Lindens hand on his chest, nearly melting as Linden cuddled him. He let out a soft breath, leaning his head on Lindens. "No. That's how I'm afraid this will end." He spoke softly. "That I won't be enough. That you'll get too close and hate me. Or that you'll find something, someone better." He sighed, shutting his eyes and bringing a hand up to clutch loosely at the back of Lindens shirt. "But no, Lin," Cas tried to draw the man closer, nuzzling into him. "I was avoiding you because- well," Cas bit his lip. "I don't know how to love you," he admitted gently. "Or, how not to, rather," He shifted and started pressing kisses over the side of Lindens face. "I'm clingy," He murmured. "And also very touch starved." He spoke softly. "I'm terrified to touch you, not sure I'm allowed to, but also desperate to smother you with affection." He smiled shyly.

 

[Linden Kinnek]

Linden felt Casper's heart beating under his hand. He leaned into cas and looked at him. cas. I know it sounds like pretty words and that you won’t be able to take them as what they are but I love you and you are always going to be enough. And how could I ever hate you? your generous, you're kind, you are beautiful and fill the world with colour he said punctuating each point with a light kiss.
As cas explained why he had been avoiding him he wrapped his hands tighter around his man well you are doing a, a pretty good job of loving me right now. And over the holidays he said as cas ran kisses down the side of his face sending tickles across his cheek and tingles through his spine. Cas he whispered. "I know you are clingy and need affection. you wouldn't be you if you didn't. and you are allowed to cling to me and touch me however you want to. I will let you know if it is too much for the specific situation" he said.

 

[Casper Kinnek]

Cas sighed, running his nose up Lindens jaw. "I wish I had your way with words," he murmured. He didn't quite believe Linden, though it was easier to believe when they were entwined like this. He played idly with Lindens hair, savoring the closeness after so long denying himself. "Snowflake, don't talk like that," Cas murmured, holding Linden a little closer. "If you keep on like that you're going to be stuck here forever," Cas teased gently, pressing a soft kiss to Lindens skin. He sighed, resting against the man. "Um... For what it's worth," Cas spoke softly, "Moments like this make it easier," He offered, hiding his face in the crook of Lindens neck.

 

[Linden Kinnek]

linden chuckled at Casper's comment. I do not have much of a way with words" he said. relaxing as cas played with his hair why shouldn't they be like this "Don't talk like what?" he asked wondering what he had said this time but as Casper continued he smirked. "are you trying to threaten me with a good time or have you finally worked out what i want? he teased. letting out a small sigh as cas kissed his neck.
he shifted slightly as cas leaned against him moving to a position where he could hold cas against him. "moments like these are the best" he said. kissing the top of Casper's head as it rested against him. "do you want me to show you how I think the comic will end?" he said softly. "I promise my drawing is nowhere near as good as yours" he added. he would try and draw them better than stick people but they may not be much better than that.

 

[Casper Kinnek]

Cas rolled his eyes at Lindens words. "Better than me," he teased gently. He laughed at Lindens words, considering just pulling Linden down for a nap. Cas felt tired and could use the cuddles. But Linden kept talking and distracted him. He raised a brow. "You've got my attention," he offered softly, pulling back and toying with Lindens hair.

 

[Linden Kinnek]

Linden smiled at cas well you are better than me at other things he said cupping Caspers face in his hand stroking his cheek with his thumb
He smiled and hit his lip slightly as cas said he had his attention. give me a second he said getting up and picking up some paper and some pencils before returning and sitting back on the sofa. don’t look until I am done, buttercup, I don’t want to spoil the suprise of my amazingly terrible drawing skills he said winking.

 

[Casper Kinnek]

Cas pouted as Linden moved away but he didn't stop him. When Linden was back Cas stretched out on the couch, laying his head in Lindens lap and shutting his eyes. "Fiiiiine," he yawned, settling in. He hadn't been sleeping well lately, and Linden was warm. "Take your time," he murmured, thinking he'd probably drift off waiting for Linden to finish his drawing.

 

[Linden Kinnek]

Linden felt Casper's head on his lap and automatically rested his hand in his hair "see if you can get some rest now. you musn't have had much with all your late nights and early mornings" he said. he said stroking his hair. once caspers breathing had slowed he took to the paper slowly sketching out a few squares before adding some characters to them the ice boy and the fire boy and their hearts. slowly colouring them in. pausing every now and then to touch or stroke Caspers hair or shoulder, comfortable being caspers pillow as he slept.

 

[Casper Kinnek]

Casper needed very little encouragement. The hand in his hair lulled him to sleep quickly. He yawned, passed out in Lindens lap. After a bit, Cas shifted, mumbling incoherently in his sleep. He sighed happily, snuggling into Linden and practically melting into the couch.