Closed Nostalgic Ghosts

[Monty Pendleton]

A distraction. That was what Monty needed. Luckily for him, Colin, an old school friend and Winnie's father, had just moved back to the UK. Well, friend probably wasn't the right word. They'd only talked during the school's drama productions, when they'd worked backstage together. But Monty had looked up to him for guidance, and they'd got together since to have lunch and discuss Winnie's grades, so at the very least they were close acquaintances, with perhaps the possibility of friendship crouched just around the corner. In any case, when Monty had received his invitation to drinks, he had accepted without hesitation.

The pub was tucked away on the end of the cobbled street. A few young witches and wizards were sat in the small beer garden out front, enjoying the glow of early evening sunlight. Monty walked past them and ducked through the door. He wasn't late, exactly, but he wasn't early either, on account of the fact he'd spent so long deciding what to wear. Finally he'd settled for a plain blue shirt, by which time he only had ten minutes to make his way to the pub. Colin was already sat at the bar. Monty gave him a wave and navigated around the tables to join him. "Hello! Sorry I'm a little late. How do you do? Can I get you another drink - anything at all?"

 

[Colin Michaels]

As freeing as it was to move to the UK and set his separation to Eva in motion, knowing in his heart and soul he was taking a long awaited and heavy step forward in his life, Colin couldn’t quite shake the feeling he was alternately taking a step backwards. Returning to the part of the world he grew up in for the same reason he left and met with countless reminders of the family he had avoided for almost thirty years playing on his mind, it was impossible for him to not feel burdened by it all, as if he were in the same fearful place he had always been. The only difference in the present was Colin knew he needed to make a change, accept himself and refuse to run from and ignore the fear as it burdened him, fighting his problems head on rather than bottling them up and refusing to be the person he truly was. It was easier said than done, unraveling coping mechanisms he had relied on for years. Though Colin was determined with time and effort, and continued small steps forward, leading into larger leaps he would eventually be able to act genuinely himself, unburdened by what others thought of him. He just needed to trust himself and put his own happiness first for what felt like the first time ever in his life.​

One small step in a series of many involved telling the people in his life who he really was, and it was with this intention Colin had organized to meet with Monty in a quaint local pub under the guise of catching up on each other’s lives. Contrary to their usual setting in a coffee shop, Colin had thought the warmth of a pub would allow the conversation to flow more easily, and the chance to speak his truth with courage aided by glasses of wine. Colin was sitting at the bar sipping from his first glass of the night in an attempt to dull his nerves as Monty arrived, and after the other man made his way over to offer a drink, Colin politely shook his head. “Oh no, I’m fine thank you, I still have the rest of this to finish.” He answered, lifting his already half empty glass by the stem. “How are things with you, Monty? It's good to see you again.” Colin soon returned, wanting to rely on small talk for as long as possible and rehearse all he intended to say in his mind over again. He wished the impending conversation with Monty would go smoothly, and that being honest about who he was would only serve to strengthen the sort of friendship they had rekindled in recent years. Colin was unsure of what he would do otherwise, the thought of losing anyone by being honest was what he feared most about coming out.​

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty ordered himself a Daisyroot Draught and sat down. "Yes, yes, thank you - I'm very well," he said. The honest answer was a little longer, but he couldn't really talk to Colin about it. He couldn't talk to anyone about it. That was the problem. He thanked the bartender as his drink arrived and took a sip. Anxiety was already beginning to rear its head. You're boring, it said. You don't have anything interesting to say. All you do is work, and nobody wants to hear about that. Colin's going to wish he hadn't invited you. "Sorry," he said after a moment, shaking his head. "Please forgive me. I've always been absolutely atrocious at small talk. I've got the social skills of... I don't know - a bludger. It really is terrific to see you." He blushed. Mercifully, something suddenly came to him. "So, er - what prompted the move, may I ask?"

 

[Colin Michaels]

Colin had wanted a moment to gather his thoughts before diving into the subject of his move, speaking about his divorce and the reason these changes in his life occurred so suddenly being overwhelming for him so early on during his meeting with Monty. Although at the same time he was relieved when Monty brought it up, feeling deep down that if he wasn’t asked directly about his move he would have likely continued avoiding what he needed to say, contradicting the notion of making progress that was now supposed to define his life. Progress meant honesty about himself and overcoming the fear of said honesty, and he knew if he refused to embrace the chance to be honest as the situation was presented to him, Colin would be the same hypocrite he had always been. He refused to step back when he needed to step forward, even when everything around him told him to. “Oh, the move, yes. I had meant to talk to you about that.” He began, picking up his glass of wine and sipping, hoping that an extra bit of alcohol in his system would make the discussion easier. “Eva and I have decided to get divorced, and it’s a bit of a pickle to qualify for a divorce in New Zealand, you need to be separated and living apart for at least two years, you see. I’ve moved back here so there’s no denying we are living apart. Plus I do feel like a fresh start would help me become the person I want to be, if this makes any sense.” Colin explained, waving his hand slightly as he finished speaking. “There are a lot of things, feelings mostly, that I have been keeping bottled up for a long time, and this is my chance to finally be honest with myself and everyone around me.” Colin decided to pause where he was to sip from his wine again, and allow the truths he had revealed to test the waters, though he fully intended to continue if everything seemed to settle in.​

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty tried not to look as if he was trying to get tipsy as quickly as possible, which he was. Alcohol was the only way he was going to get through the evening. Once he'd had a drink or two, he knew he'd loosen up, and the conversation would come more easily, but he still had quite a long way to go. "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that," Monty said, upon hearing about Colin's divorce. It seemed like the right thing to say, even though Colin didn't exactly sound devastated. A divorce was a stressful thing. "Yes?" he said, prompting him to continue; to say anything else would have felt like he was interrupting at a crucial moment.

 

[Colin Michaels]

Monty's reaction wasn’t negative, and the fact he seemed interested in what Colin was revealing assured him it was alright to continue. Coming out and saying he was gay wasn’t a single instance that freed Colin from the burdens in his life and everything he had missed in his youth, and it didn’t absolve him from lying to himself and everyone he cared about for years either, it was a decision to accept the truth and begin the process of moving forward where he wasn’t previously able to. It was telling all the people in his life, one by one, who he really was and allowing everything to unfold where it may. Colin couldn’t describe how unnerving to him it still was to say the words, as if he were saying them for the first time all over again. Though the more people he told, the more people who knew the truth, the easier it became. The more often he said the words aloud, the more familiar it would be, and over time he would feel the words become part of his identity, a part of himself he wholly embraced rather than feeling as if he were reciting lines from a play he’d never seen. He gulped down more of his wine, and ignored the nerves that usually set in as he spoke, staring down into his glass and trying not to worry about the worst that could happen. “To put a long story short, Eva and I want different things and I’m gay. Very, very gay.” Colin exhaled when the words were out, feeling a weight lift off his shoulders. After a moment he moved his gaze over to Monty to gauge his reaction, hoping that this news wouldn’t change the evening ahead of them.​