Jokes

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Patricia Styx

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38,714
OOC First Name
Pattycakes!
Sexual Orientation
Hetrosexual
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Ash Wand 14 1/4" Essence of Tail Hair of a Male Unicorn | Willow Wand 12 3/4" Essence of Gold Dust
Age
3/2009
OK I thought I wud start this b/c I came across a joke i've heard a few times and just stumbles across it. Also everyone add any gud jokes you have

My joke -
Mate match Radio Game

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question,

Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"

Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"

Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."

(long, long pause)

DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."
Click to expand...
 
Oh my lord I have the best joke in the world!

A brown chicken and a brown cow were standing side by side in a field then a fox ran by and said, 'Brownchikenbrowncow'  (Pronounced BowChickaBowwow :p )
Click to expand...

Its better when someone says it to your face but i think it is fabulas :p
 
Yaye I am cool beans!! :D
 
Because he saw Salad dressing!


Sorry, I forgot about this topic.
 
Thank you, thank you.
I got that one from my sister. :)
I thought it was cute.
 
Please remember to keep jokes clean for the most part, a vulgar word or two can be accepted but if your joke relies solely on the use of said words please refrain from posting it (though it may be funny).
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't
stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun sa ys. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
 
:frantics: :rofl: =))
 
A girl was in love with an ugly man, her friends asked her.

"why him?"

then the girl replied immediately,

"don't you watched beauty and the beast, his going to be handsome."

the guy heard this and he said,

"did you watched shrek?! your going to be ugly too."
 
OK tis the season and all that jazz. It can only mean one thing.......................BAD CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKES :p :lol:

Q. Who earns a living driving customers away?
A taxi driver

Q. What can you touch, see and make but cannot hold?
Your shadow

Q. Who needs to eat a balanced diet?
A tightrope walker

Q. What car is like a sausage?
An old banger

Q. Why is a piano so difficult to open?
All the keys are inside

Q. Why do birds fly south in the Winter?
Too far to walk

Q. Why did the chicken run onto the football pitch?
Because the referee blew for a foul

Q. If two's company and three's a crowd, what is four and five?
9

Q. Why did the boy throw his toast out of his window?
Because he wanted to see the butterfly
 
Its official worst joke in the world:


I brought a new bum the other day, i had to take it back becuase it had a crack in :p
 
Oh my goodness, that's bad!

I told my friend this joke today:

So, this couple's having a baby. And the woman is given this device to share the pain of pregnancy and childbirth with the father of the baby. So she tries it out, and the man feels no pain, so she keeps turning it up and up as the pregnancy goes on, and still the man feels no pain. The pregnancy and childbirth end up to be completely painless, because she turned the device up as high as it would go, and the man felt nothing. Happy, they head home with their new born baby.

And when they get home, they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

=))
 
:blink: That's horrible! :p
And niiice Christmas Cracker jokes, Patricia. :p
 
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
 
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