Closed If I'm Scared, I'll Go in Scared

[Harper Alston]

As Harper followed Professor Abberline into his office for her first animagus lesson in months, she couldn't help but wonder if she'd made the wrong decision. She certainly hadn't made the smart decision. The smart thing to do would be to quit while she still had all her normal, human limbs. Resuming her training after narrowly avoiding permanent disfigurement felt a lot like tempting fate. But Harper also knew she had to give this a shot if she didn't want to spend the rest of her life wondering, "What if?"

The last time Harper had been in here, Professor Styx had still been teaching. Her gaze wandered around the office, noting the changes. The woman would supposedly be coming back next year, but Harper found that hard to believe given how suddenly she'd left. "Do you know why Professor Styx left?" The words slipped from her lips before she'd given them much thought. It was a nosier and more brazen question than Harper might normally ask, especially to a teacher. But she figured Professor Abberline had already seen some of her worst traits — her arrogance, her impatience — and one prying question couldn't do that much more damage to his opinion of her.

 

[Charles Abberline]

Professor Abberline couldn't help but be surprised when Harper told him she wanted to continue her training. It was a surprise to be sure, but a welcome one. She was so close to completing her training that all she needed to do now was be patient, focus on what was important and then try and transform and undo it. She already transformed bits and pieces of herself and even managed to transform part of her face albeit without the desired outcome. If she wouldn't complete her training at the end of this year, Professor Abberline was sure that she would do so next year. ''I don't, but they told me that it's only temporarily so Professor Styx is likely to return after the winter break.'' A part of him did not want the other Professor to resume her teacher's position, though. He thought that teaching wouldn't be for him and that he would miss his duties as a Hit Wizard almost immediately, but in truth, he loved teaching and didn't miss coming into the Hit Wizard office. Unfortunately, there wasn't much he could do to secure the Transfiguration Professor job unless the lower or upper years' Professors suddenly decided to switch jobs. He didn't see that happening anytime soon. ''But don't worry, I'll leave a detailed report on what we've done this semester so that she can pick up where I left off.'' He placed his bag on the ground next to the desk and seated himself behind it, motioning for Harper to take the seat opposite of him. ''How did you find today's subject?'' He had a feeling that she might not have liked the thought of having to change something to her appearance after what happened, but she turned her eyebrows blue in the end, which he was glad about. ''More importantly, how have you been feeling since the accident?

 

[Harper Alston]

So Professor Abberline didn't know either. It made Harper feel better to know that she wasn't the only one being kept in the dark. If she was being honest, she was a little frustrated that she'd now had two of her instructors disappear without warning. That was probably selfish of her, but it was the truth. The school hadn't stepped in either to let her know how she could continue her animagus training. And while Harper didn't blame anyone but herself for the accident, she couldn't help but wonder if it could've been avoided if she had known that training with a non-animagus was even an option. At least she knew Professor Abberline's time at the school was finite. Harper gave him a small smile when he promised to leave behind a report before he left. "Are you going to go teach at another school?" she asked curiously, realising she knew next to nothing about the professor, even after half a semester's worth of classes with him.

Harper took a seat, lightly drumming her fingers on the armrest of the chair. "The non-verbal part was kind of hard. But I think I've got it down now," she said, not meeting his gaze as she skirted the question. Looking back, Harper felt silly for ever finding the assignment nerve-wracking, and she didn't want Professor Abberline to think her weak. She hesitated once more at his second question. "I've been okay," she said quietly. "I mean, physically I feel fine. You were right, the chocolate helped." But was she fine emotionally? Harper honestly didn't know. She'd already had a nightmare about getting stuck permanently. At the same time, the accident sometimes felt like a dream, like it hadn't really happened to her, but someone else, and she struggled to remember certain details. It was like her brain had built scar tissue over the memory to protect her. "I guess I'm a little nervous about today," she finally admitted. That was definitely an understatement.

 

[Charles Abberline]

Professor Abberline pulled his wand from the inside pocket of his robe and waved it around three times. The first time he made two cups appear in front of them out of thin air, the second time he filled a kettle with water and put it on the stove to boil it, and the third time the kettle filled their cups with that water once the was warm enough. When he waved his wand another time, two tea bags and a cup of milk appeared on the desk. If they were going to be here for a while to train Harper's animagi abilities, the best he could do was provide them with something to drink. And what better than a good cup of tea to relax you? He also figured that she could do with a cup of tea after having to transfigure a part of her appearance, she must have had her doubts about today's subject when he first told her about which charm they were going to be practising in class. The tea would also, hopefully, help to relax in general. ''It's back to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement again for me once the semester is over. I usually work as a Hit Wizard for the Ministry, you see, but figured that I might want to try something else for a bit.'' Did he want to return to the Hit Wizard office though? That was the question he was going to have to ask himself as the end of the second semester was nearing.

Glad to hear that practising the Colour-Changing Charm nonverbally was indeed a bit of a challenge, Charlie listened as the girl answered his other question. He'd be surprised if she wasn't nervous for her first animagus training after the accident because it would have meant that she hadn't learned a thing. But she was nervous and all he could do was smile reassuringly when she told him. ''That's okay, we don't have to practice transforming right away if you don't want to. We wouldn't want to force it, anyway. Why don't we start with some tea and meditation instead? Things will go a lot smoother with a clear and focused mind.''

 

[Harper Alston]

Harper eyed the floating teacups and kettle, wondering if she'd ever reach the point where she could conjure things so easily. Transfiguration had always been her best subject, but these days, it took so much effort. She knew that was only natural considering these were NEWT-level spells, but the difficulty still sometimes surprised her. Her gaze whipped back to Professor Abberline when he mentioned that he used to be a Hit Wizard. "You work at the MLE?" she asked, unable to hide her surprise. Realising that he might take her reaction the wrong way, Harper hurried to explain herself. "I was thinking of applying to work there after graduation. As an auror." Hit Wizard to professor was a big leap, and she had a million questions for him, though she supposed those could probably wait.

While Harper appreciated the reassurances, she did want to jump into things and begin transforming as soon as possible. She didn't want to be given more time to stew in her fears. Still, she could understand the logic of slowing down, and she accepted one of the teacups. "I do want to transform," Harper said, as she poured in an inordinate amount of milk. She didn't want Professor Abberline to think she had any doubts about her decision to continue her training. "I just... don't want to get stuck again." Harper took a tiny sip of tea, tried not to grimace, and set the cup down. Three years of Divination, and she still hadn't acquired a taste for the beverage. "Is there anything in particular I should focus on while meditating?"

 

[Charles Abberline]

Professor Abberline chuckled softly at Harper's surprise. She couldn't have known that he worked for Magical Law Enforcement, of course, but the surprise was still fun to see. ''Oh, yeah, have been for about seven or eight years now,'' Charlie replied with a bright smile. ''You should totally go for it, you might even recognise some faces from school during your training.'' At times he wondered if he should switch careers and go work for the Auror Office instead. He had the right grades for it and he was definitely experienced enough. It also paid a lot better and being the equivalent of Muggle police was not always the most exciting job in the world to have. Most of the more dangerous cases went straight to the Auror Office these days, which meant that they usually ended up with lunatics and lowlife criminals. It also didn't help that more and more of his colleagues were leaving the Magical Law Enforcement Squad in search of better pay. That didn't stop him from returning to the Hit Wizard Office once the semester ended, though even that could change given the right opportunities.

Charlie poured a bit of milk into the teacup while he listened to Harper tell him that she did want to transform again. Of course, she didn't want to be stuck as a half-human, half-bird thing again, but he wasn't going to let that happen to her any time soon. As long as she would listen and be patient, all was going to be well, he was quite sure of that. Noticing a slight grimace on the girl's face after she took a sip from the tea, Charlie couldn't help but grin. She shouldn't have put that much milk into her tea but he refrained from correcting her in case she liked it that way. He thought about her question for a minute before answering it. ''I think that it is important that we want to focus on how you should be feeling whenever you want to transform into your animagus form. Luckily, we already know how it feels like to want to become the bird in your visions as well as trying to turn back into a human. That's what I want you to focus on first, that feeling of being weightless, soaring through the skies without the use of magic. Breathe in slowly through your nose and breathe out slowly through your mouth, let that weightlessness overtake you without visualising the bird. We don't actually want you to transform just yet,'' Professor Abberline answered, hoping that he was making sense to her. ''Once you feel like you are in that familiar state of weightlessness, I want you to shift your focus to how it felt when you transformed your face back to normal. So you ideally want to focus on walking on the ground again, feeling the earth underneath you.''

 

[Harper Alston]

Harper straightened a little at the encouragement. Her career aspirations had never been a secret; she'd told plenty of friends about her goal of becoming an auror. But she hadn't shared her plans with any adults aside from her parents, who weren't familiar with the magical world and didn't know how difficult it was to become an auror. So it was reassuring to hear Professor Abberline respond so positively. Harper knew it was a popular career path, and she wondered who else from Hogwarts had chosen to go that route.

It didn't take long for Harper decide to abandon the cup of tea. Instead, she listened intently as Professor Abberline explained the assignment. The emphasis on how she was feeling reminded her of what he'd said earlier about emotions influencing magic, and she wondered if that was why he was breaking the process down like this. "Just so you know, I've never had that much control over my visions before," she warned. Harper was of course going to try it, but she figured it would be a good idea for Professor Abberline to know the extent of her skills. "Everything happens pretty quickly, and I just kind of rely on my instincts and go along with it." In hindsight, that probably wasn't the best way to learn, and it explained why she was having so much trouble now that her instincts were failing her.

Harper took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and opened her mind. It had been a few days since she had done this, but months of practice had made the process second-nature. Still, Harper couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief when the sky came flooding in and she felt herself soar. Unfortunately, the bird also appeared, and she had to quickly look down, trying to imagine the ground pulling her back to earth, to home. Once she had reached the ground, she opened her eyes. "I didn't transform, did I?" Harper asked, quickly checking her arms and then her face for feathers. "I couldn't stop the bird from appearing," she explained. "But I think I focused on the ground before anything could happen."

 

[Charles Abberline]

It surprised Charlie to hear that Harper did not have control over the visions she would get of the bird because that would mean that she would be further along in the process than even she thought she was. She had already established a way to transform into her animagus form, and from what she told him next, it seemed that they were also on their way to establishing a way for her to transform back to human again. ''Okay, if we simplify everything; visions of the bird can help to transform you and imagining the ground will reverse or stop it all together. That's great because if that is true then you will only need to focus on those two particular feelings or visions or images or whatever they are,'' Professor Abberline said excitedly. It would have helped greatly if he was an animagus too just so that he'd known whether he was right about his summary or not. It also didn't help that he was pretty inexperienced when it came to animagus transformations. He had done his best in reading as much about it as possible but nothing would compare to actually being one to understand how it all went down. He was excited about it nonetheless. Feeling a little daring himself and knowing that Harper did want to transform still, Professor Abberline then said, ''Why don't we take it up a notch? Will the bird to come forward but right as it does so imagine yourself being pulled back to the ground again.'' He didn't know what would happen exactly but he was ready for if the outcome were bad.

 

[Harper Alston]

An inexplicable wave of relief crashed over Harper when she realised she hadn't transformed. She didn't understand it, didn't understand why her heart was pounding, but she decided to focus on Professor Abberline's excitement instead. "I guess that's right," Harper said, nodding slowly as her fingers continued to brush over her skin, feeling for feathers. "But the visions don't make me transform. They're like... they're like visualizations for a spell. They guide me, but I still have to do the spell. I have to transform myself, if that makes any sense." She didn't know quite how to describe the transformations themselves. Doing them was like exercising an invisible muscle, one buried in her subconscious and made not of tissue and blood, but hazier substances like intuition and feeling. And half the time, she barely had any control over the muscle.

Harper considered Professor Abberline's next set of instructions. "I've never seen both at the same time." Granted, she had only seen the ground twice now. Before her conversation with Professor Abberline at the Hospital Wing, she had never thought to try and look down in her visions. She hadn't even realised that all the blue was supposed to be the sky. "But I'll try." Harper closed her eyes and went through all the same motions. As she had expected, the bird appeared, a speck in the vast sky. She tried to follow it, to will it closer. As the bird neared, Harper thought suddenly of that afternoon in the abandoned classroom, when her body had turned on her and she'd lost control. The memory of that awful moment was sharp, too sharp, and her throat started to constrict. With a gasp, Harper opened her eyes. "Sorry... I'm fine... I'm fine... " She could barely choke out the words as she tried to suck in air. Trembling fingers flew to her face, searching once more for feathers. "I'm fine."

 

[Charles Abberline]

Professor Abberline thought about what Harper said for a moment. So the spell merged itself with the visualisations of the bird which then allowed her to transform. And so far the ground had worked as some sort of anchor point for her to effectively end the spell. At least they now had something to go forward on. Two things that must be merged together for her to be successful in her animagus transformation or so he thought. It really, really would have helped if he could transform himself into an animal too. Perhaps this level of Transfiguration was out of his depth and required someone far, far more skilled. If only he knew a way to contact Professor Summers and ask for guidance himself. ''The best possible outcome, then, would be for you to be able to control both. To get familiar with both. One helps to start the spell and the other helps to end it, am I correct?'' he asked, knowing that she would be able to tell him if he was right or not.

He watched with bated breath as the Gryffindor tried it for a second time, though could immediately tell that things weren't going as he would have hoped thanks to the girl's facial expressions. He started to look for a bar of chocolate in his bag the moment Harper opened her eyes again. He always brought some chocolate with him to class in case one of his students would start to feel unwell. ''It's alright, you're still fine,'' the professor said calmly. He broke off a piece and handed it to her. ''Here, eat this.'' Perhaps they should take a few steps back and start from the beginning again. The botched transformation clearly still had an effect on the girl's mind which was why he decided not to push it past this point. Nothing good would come from it, that he was sure of. ''I may have interpreted it the wrong way when I asked you earlier, but are you sure you want to try and transform today? It's OK if you don't, we've got plenty of time before the semester ends, anyway.'' After seeing her trembling fingers searching for feathers, Charlie really didn't want Harper to do something she wasn't comfortable with.

 

[Harper Alston]

Harper nodded at Professor Abberline's assessment. She kind of wished Professor Summers or Professor Styx was still here, so she could ask them about their transformations. Reading theory could only get her so far. Everything about becoming an animagus seemed to be so dependent on the individual, and Harper had no idea if what she was experiencing was unique to her or universal among animagi. Still, there were advantages to working with Professor Abberline. She found it helpful to pick apart the self-transfiguration process with him. So much of her training before this semester had been led by instinct and luck, and Professor Abberline was forcing her to think more deliberately about her transformations.

It took several minutes for Harper to calm down enough to accept the piece of chocolate. She sucked on it as she tried to focus on her breathing. The last thing she needed was to start hyperventilating. Only once she had confirmed that her face was free of feathers did her heartbeat start to slow. Still, Harper had to curl her hands into fists to stop herself from continuing to search for feathers. "I do," she insisted. "I want to transform." In fact, there was very little she wanted more than to be an animagus. "I just..." The next words stuck in her throat, and she had to force them out. "I got scared." Being afraid, admitting to being afraid — it all went counter to Harper's every instinct. She was a Gryffindor. She was supposed to be brave.

It was like a dam had broken, and the words tumbled out. "I thought I could do it. I wanted to transform. But concentrating on the bird, it reminded me of last time when I got stuck, and I freaked out." Harper shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "I don't want to be afraid. I want... I wish... I wish I could just transform and get it over with." That's how she dealt with all her fears; she rushed headlong towards them. But that wouldn't work here, not when it was the fear itself preventing her from transforming. "The accident, it's been hanging over me all week. It's all I can think about," she confessed. "The longer I go without transforming, the worse this fear is going to get."

 

[Charles Abberline]

Charlie stared at the teacups on the desk when Harper finished confessing to him that she was indeed afraid to transform. He was trying to think of a way to help her from getting scared and afraid but couldn't think of anything except for the one thing she was dreading to do. Transform. She would need to if she wanted to get over it. If she could see that she could do it without error then that might absolve any problems she may have with the transformation. He understood Harper's fear of becoming stuck again as he too had seen the half-human, half-bird side of her face, but also understood that she would have to overcome it if she wanted to successfully complete her training. And it seemed that she also knew that there was only one way for this to go. Charlie sighed and returned his gaze back to the Gryffindor student. ''Then do it,'' the Professor told her simply. ''You know the spell, know how to let it guide you and you know how to possibly reverse it. You can do it, so do it. Transform.'' His answer may have been curt but there really wasn't much he could do for Harper until she would overcome her fair of getting stuck like that. ''I'll be right here if something happens so there is no reason to be afraid. We've already reversed it once, we can do it again. But Harper, I am convinced that botching the transformation like that will not happen again because I believe that you can do it. Now it's your turn to believe,'' he told her, breaking off another piece of chocolate and sliding it to her in case she needed it. ''Breathe in slowly through your nose and breathe out slowly through your mouth and let it happen.''

 

[Harper Alston]

As a general rule, Harper did not believe in arguing for her limitations. And yet she had no idea how she was supposed to just stop being afraid and transform. This wasn't like confronting a fear of spiders or a boggart. She couldn't just turn off her brain and throw herself into the situation before she could give herself a chance to be scared. Self-transfiguration required so much concentration, so much focus. And the only thing her brain could focus on was the memory of being stuck.

Harper did not voice these thoughts aloud. It was one thing to think I can't. It was quite another to say those words out loud, and she refused to stoop so low as to force Professor Abberline into giving her a pep talk (even though she'd already kind of done that). Instead, she took the piece of chocolate and nodded. "Okay." It was clear, however, Harper didn't believe him. Or rather, she didn't believe in herself. She'd been struggling with self-transfiguration all year, and the last time she'd done it, she'd needed the help of a potion. Maybe the version of herself from a year ago could have done this effortlessly, but that person now felt like a stranger.

Harper closed her eyes and breathed in through her nose and out through her mouth. For a few moments, she just sat there and tried to remind herself of how badly she wanted to transform. But when she opened her mind and saw the bird, a primal fear overtook her, every instinct screaming for her to stop. This was unnatural. This was not supposed to happen. The human body was not designed to shapeshift into that of an animal. Harper automatically opened her eyes, ending the vision, and she looked down to see that her hands were clenched into fists, the chocolate melting between her fingers. She instantly felt ridiculous. "I—" She wanted to say can't, but she swallowed that word and started over. "It's like my body won't listen to my mind. I keep remembering the accident, and I don't know how to stop it." It seemed that what her mind wanted was very different from what her body and her spirit wanted.

 

[Charles Abberline]

A part of him found it annoying that the memory of the botched transformation was blocking the girl's ability to transform because he did think that she could do it if her emotions didn't get in the way. Another part was not surprised that she couldn't do it. It was a horrifying experience after all, and he would have honestly been more surprised if it didn't leave a mark on her. It didn't make things easier, however, and he was running out of theories and ideas relatively fast. Charlie nodded at her words and tried to devise a solution to get her to cope with what had happened. He was unable to come up with anything helpful, unfortunately. There really wasn't much he could do for her until she overcame her emotions, so the only real thing that came to mind was that she visited one of the school's counsellors and talk about it with them. Something told him that Harper wasn't the person to get counselling though. ''I think that you deserve honesty, Harper, which is why it pains me to say that I cannot help you any further if you do not overcome the emotions associated with the memory. I want to help you, I do, but I simply cannot if you are not ready for it yourself. I don't want something even worse to happen just because we forced the transformation.'' He did really want to help her succeed and he really did admire the fact that she decided to go through with it after all. He thought that it showed strength of character. For the first time in his life, there was a problem that he did not know the solution to and it annoyed him greatly. ''I can, however, suggest that you visit the school counsellors if you are having a difficult time with your emotions,'' Charlie said, deciding that it might be worth it to mention it to her anyways. ''Or you could continue these meditation exercises every day before turning in It's up to you, really.''

 

[Harper Alston]

Harper wasn't sure she wanted. Or rather, it felt like everything she wanted was impossible. She wanted to forget the accident; she wanted to transform; she wanted Professor Abberline to come up with some magical trick, some shortcut that would enable her to get over this mental block so that they could get along with the lesson. "I am ready," Harper tried to protest. "Maybe we could try a potion or something...?" she suggested weakly before realising she didn't actually want that. She couldn't rely on potions as a crutch forever. She had to learn how to do this on her own without any magical aids. Plus, Harper wasn't sure if wizards treated potions like drugs and medications — something to be used only when necessary.

The mention of something worse happening if they forced a transformation was sobering, and Harper fell silent. She knew Professor Abberline was right. She shouldn't be attempting such risky, complicated magic when she barely had control over her mind, much less her body and subconscious. At Professor Abberline's next suggestion, Harper set her jaw. She didn't need a school counselor; she wasn't damaged. It frustrated her that so much of this process hinged on emotion. The reason she'd fallen in love with Transfiguration in the first place was because it had always seemed like the most analytical branch of magic, built on rules and logic. "So are these lessons over?" Harper asked eventually, wondering if she'd just lost her third animagus instructor.

 

[Charles Abberline]

Charlie studied Harper for a moment. She was persistent, that was clear, but that did not make him believe the girl when she told him that she was ready to do it. She had told him differently only minutes ago and the fact that she failed to transform twice now was more than enough for him to form his own opinions about whether or not she was ready or not. He smiled weakly when she asked if there was a potion she could try, admiring how persistent she was. There was indeed a potion that should unlock the ability to transform from human to animal by envisioning the animal with the intent of transforming in mind, and vice versa. But she would've already consumed it for the process to start, and drinking it again probably wouldn't work and would most likely only have nasty side effects.

He liked to think of himself as a teacher that would always encourage his students to try their hardest and to never give up even if the possibilities of success were slim, but at this very moment, he could not and would not be that teacher. If something bad were to happen to Harper because he encouraged her to try and transform regardless of her mental block, then the responsibility for the outcome would lay with him, and he didn't think that he could live with the burden of knowing that he put a student in danger just because they were persistent. ''I don't see a reason to continue these lessons until you can overcome your fear of transforming, Harper. This kind of Self-Transformation is not the kind you want to mess with, as you very well know, which is why we have to be so careful with it,'' Charlie answered, making direct eye contact with her as he spoke. ''Come back to me when you are truly ready and I will happily continue training with you.''

 

[Harper Alston]

Even though Harper knew what was coming, her stomach still dropped as Professor Abberline confirmed that the lessons were over. It was like she was back in one of the visions, lost and tumbling through the sky. How had things gone so wrong? Professor Abberline had been so enthusiastic at the beginning of their lesson. He had been so confident in her, even back at the Hospital Wing, when she'd been disfigured and hysterical. But now he no longer thought she was ready. Harper knew she had no right to be surprised or angry or upset by this decision. After all, she'd spent the entire lesson telling Professor Abberline that she wasn't capable of transforming. This was just him choosing to finally believe her.

The realisation that she'd just argued for her own demise sat heavy in Harper's gut, and she was quiet for a few moments. Maybe Professor Abberline was right; maybe there was something seriously wrong with her emotionally. The thought left a bitter taste in Harper's mouth. She'd spent so much time over the past year doing her best to convince herself that she was fine. She'd stuffed her days with distractions and run from anything that reminded her of the ways she wasn't okay. But sitting here now, faced with the prospect of losing her animagus lessons for good, Harper could see with painful clarity that her strategies weren't working. Something had to change.

But first, she had one last question: "How will I know if I'm ready?"

 

[Charles Abberline]

Charlie stood up and walked around the desk to sit on the edge of it while talking. ''I would have hoped that this entire conversation would have cleared that up for you, but my guess is that your brain is all over the place at the moment.'' He couldn't blame the girl if she weren't taking in everything as well as she would have under any other circumstance, this would undoubtedly be another setback for her and her ambition to become an animagus. ''Harper, you need to overcome your fear of transforming. You'll know when you're ready when you're no longer afraid of transforming,'' the Professor told her. It annoyed him that he couldn't do more for her but also knew that he wasn't the right person to guide her emotionally - there were other, more skilled people for that. Something told him that Harper wasn't the kind of person that would voluntarily make an appointment with the counsellors, though. ''A good way to find that out might be meditation. Try it every once in a while,'' Charlie said with a kind smile. If only she had been more patient in the first place none of this would've happened. Patience was key, something he had tried teaching his sixth years throughout the semester. Hopefully, she could see its importance now. ''Is there anything else I can do for you?'' he then asked, not wanting to be completely useless.

 

[Harper Alston]

As soon as the question left Harper's lips, she knew it was the wrong one. But it was easier to ask an obvious question than an honest one. Because what she feared, perhaps even more than transforming and getting stuck, was that she might never be ready. She wanted to ask, what if she never got over this mental block? What if she'd just wasted the last three years of her life? But those were questions Professor Abberline couldn't answer. Harper thought of all the things she'd given up over the course of her animagus training — time spent with friends, time spent reinforcing relationships back home, time spent pursuing other dreams — and she found she couldn't bring herself to regret any of it. That scared her.

Harper nodded at the suggestion to meditate. She'd never been one to do much self-reflection simply because she usually found it unnecessary. She'd always been very in tune with herself. But circumstances had changed, and she knew she had a lot of introspection ahead of her. "No, I don't think so," Harper said quietly, standing as she did so. "It sounds like it's mostly up to me at this point," she said with a small smile. She found a tissue and wiped the melted chocolate from her fingers before grabbing her bag. "Thanks for the lesson." It hadn't gone the way she wanted, but really, that was no one's fault but her own.

 

[Charles Abberline]

Charlie stood up as well and walked towards the door. It wasn't difficult to tell that the last couple of minutes of the lesson weren't going the way she probably would have wanted them to go, but there really wasn't anything they could do until she wasn't afraid anymore. And while the thought of having discovered at least a little bit more about the transformation process was very exciting still, even he would have to draw a line and set firm boundaries for himself as a teacher. ''I do want to help you, Harper, so if there's anything I can help you with, you know where to find me,'' he told her as he opened the door for her. He wouldn't be surprised, however, if she chose not to do so. He'd only be at the castle for couple more months after all.