Closed I Hated You (I Loved You Too)

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian's life was actually starting to come together. He had released a small EP on an independent music label and it was doing decently well - not well enough that he'd been able to quit his café job, but he had a proper foot in the music industry now, people were actually listening to his music, and the bills had thankfully gotten a bit easier to manage. The pressure to put together something on a larger scale was starting to hit home though, and although he didn't even know if he would be able to get a contract for a full length album he knew it was the next thing he needed to work towards.

While his professional life was coming together though, Vivian's personal life was as much of a mess as ever. He hadn't really felt comfortable with any of his hookups since the night he had spent with Tristan, and in trying to get some closure he had instead managed to weave a layer of guilt in with all his other feelings. He shouldn't care about hurting Tristan, not after everything the other man had done to him, but he did, and it was hard to really focus on anyone else with that guilt hanging over his head. Just another reason to feel too damaged for real love. His love life was for once far from his mind as he made his way towards Scrivenshaft's, having well and truly run out of ink. He was focused on the song he had started writing before running out of ink, the melody floating through his mind and drowning out the rest of the world. He wasn't focusing on the people around him until he spotted a pram up ahead, moving out of the way so he wouldn't bump into them. Vivian wouldn't have thought twice about the pram until he processed who was pushing it. "What?" He croaked out, eyes flashing between Tristan and pram several times as he struggled to make the connection. The promise he had made to leave Tristan alone was the furthest thing from his mind as he processed the sight, but a quiet part of him figured that near-literally bumping into each other in the street didn't count. "I, uh.... that's new...." He said weakly, voice unusually froggy.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan wasn't entirely sure how he had gotten here. He couldn't believe he had a child now. Dominique getting pregnant had seemed like a disaster at first, and Tristan still didn't quite think he could call it a positive development, but he couldn't deny he loved his son. Weird as it was to refer to him that way. He smiled down at Mason as he walked him, wondering vaguely if he should visit his parents with Mason sometime. They'd love him, he was sure. But it would also be painful and awkward for him, so he had put it off. Tristan wasn't paying attention to anything around him until he heard a familiar voice. His stomach lurched as he looked up and straight into his eyes. He cursed inwardly, suppressing the bizarre urge to hide Mason somewhere. He watched Vivian make the connection slowly, trying to decide if he should lie and say... what? He was a nephew? Vivian knew Tristan had no siblings. He finally nodded at his words, looking away. After last time, it was painful to look at Vivian. He had just made peace with the idea that he'd never speak to him again. "Well, yes." He said, clearing his throat. "It is." He reached down to fuss with the blanket. "His name is Mason."

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian's mouth had gone dry, and he struggled to find the words. What was he even supposed to say? Was Tristan in this kind of relationship? Was he married? It drove home all at once how thoroughly gone the Tristan of his memories was. For all Vivian thought that they had always been the people who knew one another best, there was a pit in his stomach reminding him that no, he hardly knew this person at all anymore. He had definitely never known any version of Tristan who would want something so domestic.

"Oh." Vivian knew it sounded stupid, but it was the only thing he could manage, moving closer as though he was in a dream. The baby in the pram was painfully cute, and Vivian would never, never admit to anyone the unwanted spike of jealousy he felt for a moment. "He's cute..." Vivian said quietly, looking between the baby's face and Tristan's again, trying to see the resemblance. Mason mostly just looked like a baby, but here he was, half Tristan and half someone else. "How... uh... how old is he?"

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan wished he knew what was going through Vivian's mind. Part of him wanted to explain immediately that the baby hadn't been planned, that it didn't mean he was now... with someone, but it seemed presumptuous to assume Vivian cared. Besides, he wasn't sure if he wanted Vivian to judge him for having a baby with someone who was supposed to be a one-night stand, he didn't know how Vivian would react. "Get's that from me." Tristan deadpanned when Vivian said he was cute, then smiled. "Kidding, I think babies just are kind of cute. I suppose." He glanced down at Mason again, then looked back up at Vivian. "Nearly eight months." He said after a moment.

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian was laughing at Tristan's joke before he even realised it, and by then it was too late to take it back. He closed his mouth quickly, glancing at Tristan's face, then down at the baby again, nodding in agreement. "Yeah, they are." He said quickly, feeling more and more like an alien with every moment the encounter stretched on. He nodded when Tristan told him the age, as if he knew what that meant. "You, uh... you must be proud?" He asked hesitantly.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Making Vivian laugh still felt like a victory, good to know. Tristan searched his face for a moment, then looked away. He felt strange, seeing Vivian with his baby. It both felt like something that shouldn't happen and like something that should've happened already. He ran a hand through his hair "I mean, I suppose? I didn't do any of the hard work." He said, then winced. "I mean, of course, I love him. But it still feels a little unreal that he's... partly mine, I guess."

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian couldn't help another small laugh, looking down at the baby. "Yeah, unreal's a pretty fitting word." He hesitated, looking up at Tristan again. "Didn't... think you were planning to settle down any time soon?" It was painfully unsubtle, but he couldn't fight the need to know and there was no subtle way to ask where this baby had come from. Tristan wasn't wearing a ring but that didn't necessarily mean anything, and the idea that Tristan was settling with someone else was unsettling in a way he hadn't felt since he was a teenager.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Weird and painful as it was to talk to Vivian again, Tristan had to admit it felt nice too. It was.. familiar, comforting, though also quite terrifying. At Vivian's question, Tristan looked away. He knew he couldn't get out of telling him the truth now. "I wasn't- I haven't." He said, tripping over the words. "He wasn't exactly... planned." He said, grimacing as he glanced at Vivian. "The mum and I aren't together." He hastened to add.

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian shouldn't feel relieved. For his own sake and for Tristan's. He had no reason - no right to feel relieved. But he was. "Oh." He said for what felt like the thousandth time in this conversation. "That's, uh..." He had to cut himself off before saying 'that's good' like an idiot. "How... uh... how is that?" He asked, knowing even as they came out of his mouth that these were some of the stupidest words he had ever said. "The.... unexpected baby thing?" Vivian wanted to dig directly down to the center of the earth and stay there forever. He wanted to find every person who had ever complimented his poetry or lyics and play them this conversation as eternal proof that he had absolutely no business putting words together for a living. It was perhaps the worst thing he had ever said now, but it was out there in the world now, and there was nothing he could do about it.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan had to force himself not to smile as he watched Vivian struggle with his words. It made a vague sense of hope flare up somewhere in his chest. If Vivian truly didn't care, he wouldn't be acting this way, would be? Tristan snorted at Vivian's question. "It wasn't great." He admitted with a shrug. "It came to my attention right as I was helping Minister Fontaine on her campaign, and ... D- the mother isn't exactly known for her subtlety. She just dropped it on me out of nowhere." He paused. "The news, not the baby. Though it does feel like that sometimes." He said ruefully.

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian was surprised Tristan didn't brush him off outright after such a stupid question but he seemed to take it in stride, and he collected himself as he listened to the answer. "Sounds stressful." He said awkwardly, trying not to wonder at why Tristan had avoided saying the mother's name. D-something. Not October, thankfully, but he couldn't think of anyone else Tristan would try and keep from him. "Definitely... awkward timing." He paused. "Congratulations, by the way. I mean... for the baby, obviously, but also... the election stuff. I didn't know you were on the campaign, but it makes sense." He had been impressed by Minister Fontaine's campaign, and given how torn he had been between voting for her and Deputy Cresswell he had been extremely pleased by the election's outcome. Politics felt like a much safer topic than babies and relationships and feelings, but a thousand questions still burned right below Vivian's skin, desperate to escape.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan nodded as Vivian said it was awkward timing, wondering quietly why Vivian was so curious. He smiled proudly as they spoke about Minister Fontaine's campaign. "Thank you." he said. "I'm now head of my department, at the Ministry." He added, a part of him still trying to impress this boy. "But between you and me... I wanted to run for Minister. I didn't quite manage." He paused, glancing down at Mason. "Probably for the best." He added quietly. A surprise baby would definitely have caused a scandal if he had been a more public figure a the time.

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian wasn't surprised at all that Tristan was moving up the ranks, surprised at how little he suspected there had been dirty deals behind the scenes. Whatever there was to be said about Tristan, he actually worked hard, and this was a good reminder of that. He nodded sympathetically when he went on to explain his ambitions, unable to help a small smile. "Why am I not surprised you tried to run?" He teased lightly, before his face softened. "There'll be other opportunities." He added, looking down at the pram again. "He's only gonna be a baby once." Looking at the baby for a long moment, Vivian steeled himself for what he knew he needed to say, what he should have said a lot sooner. He took a deep breath before speaking, looking up at Tristan's face again. "I'm sorry." He said firmly. "For.... for what happened. At my flat. I wasn't... trying to hurt you, I was just... I was... scared, and I took it out on you." He paused for a moment. "I think I've gotten too used to taking things out on you." He added, looking down. "But I was.... I didn't plan any of that and I panicked. I think I was expecting you to... I don't know. Call me stupid for asking or something. I didn't... know what to do with anything real." It was a clumsy mess, but it was everything he had needed to say for years now. "I wanted to apologise properly, but I promised I'd leave you alone, so...." He trailed off with a small shrug.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan laughed and rubbed his neck. He was still a little sad he never got to run, but Vivian's words were a strange comfort. "Because... you know I'm destined to rule the world?" He joked with a smile. Tristan realized Vivian had misinterpreted his comment about timing. All Tristan had been thinking about was the scandal, but Vivian clearly thought it was because Tristan wanted to be there for his child. He decided to let him think that. He winced as Vivian spoke and apologized, trying to wave it off. "It was fine. It's what I deserved." He said quickly. "It was probably for the best." He said, trying desperately to sound like he didn't care. He fussed with Mason's blanket again, which earned him a frown from his son. "I was being dramatic, you can... contact me, or whatever you want." He said quietly. "Not that I expect you to, you're probably busy with music."

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian snorted softly at Tristan's comment, shaking his head. "Because I know you've always had ambitions in the Ministry. You were practically trying to run while we were still in school." He pointed out, the subject far easier than the more heavy matter of their past. He shook his head quickly, glancing at Tristan's face nervously. "You didn't deserve it, it was sh*tty of me. We've... both been horrible to each other in the past, it wasn't fair to.... I don't know. Twist the knife." He said quietly, hands twisting in a way he hadn't done since he was a kid. He desperately wanted to light a cigarette just for something to do, but the baby in front of him well and truly eliminated that option. He was surprised when Tristan said he could contact him, following up with a deflection that he felt had come almost too quickly. Still, the change of subject was an easier one, and he shrugged slightly. "I've been... doing stuff, yeah. I released an EP a while back, working on an album but I don't know if the label will... go ahead." He snorted lightly. "Working harder on music than the job that actually pays the bills." He paused for a long moment. "But I'm not too busy for a catch up."

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan chuckled at Vivian's comment, shaking his head. "I know, I would've if I could have." He said, sighing softly. He kept his face impassive as Vivian spoke, shaking his head. "You hadn't been horrible before that." He muttered quietly. "And we both know I did deserve it." He kept staring at Mason instead, feeling a complicated mix of emotions as he was having this conversation with his first love while looking at his baby. He hoped Mason would never have to feel heartbreak the way Tristan had with Vivian. Or worse, the way Vivian had with Tristan. He tore his gaze away as Vivian spoke about his work, smiling. "That's amazing." He said. "I should buy it, give it a listen." He paused. "Unless all the songs are named like... f-" He paused, glancing at Mason. "Er, 'screw you Tristan', or something." He said. "Of course you're working harder at the music, that's what you're supposed to be doing." He said, hoping his cheeks weren't as pink as they felt as Vivian suggested catching up. "I see, I'm not too busy for that either."

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian couldn't help a small snort at Tristan trying to absolve him. "I mean... I feel like we're... at least a little bit even after seventh year." He pointed out. "You're allowed to be mad at me when I'm a d*ck." He added, watching Tristan's face and wondering what was going through his mind. The mess of their past was so hard to wade through, and there was a strange kind of camaraderie in knowing that he was talking with the only person who understood what a mess their teens had been. He smiled when Tristan complimented his work, though his smile slipped slightly as he went on to talk about listening. "I mean, that's.... how I got my start, mostly." He admitted. "I wrote a lot of songs about you in seventh year and after graduation. They're not... I mean, most of the EP is about other stuff." He admitted quietly, stomach twisting at the thought of Tristan actually listening. "There are two that are about you." He smiled slightly when Tristan said he was supposed to be doing music, fighting the sudden realisation that he felt exactly like fifteen year old Vivian - a version of him who wanted Tristan's approval so badly, basking in what he had always wanted to hear. It was hard to push down that bitterness, to remember that they were adults now, very different people from so long ago. He focused on the conversation instead, smiling slightly when Tristan said he wasn't too busy. "Are... you busy now?" He asked hesitantly. "I mean, we could get a cuppa." He added quickly, glancing at Mason. If they were alone he didn't know exactly what he would be proposing they do, but Mason's presence made the decision easier, and talking was probably for the best right now.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan winced a bit as Vivian mentioned seventh year, it was something he preferred not to think about if he could help it. He glanced at Vivian, meeting his gaze. How was it that he had changed so much, yet stayed the same? Tristan felt like a teenager around him again, which wasn't an entirely pleasant experience. He laughed softly at Vivian's confession, shaking his head. "Listen, it's alright. I just hope they don't have that exact title, it is awfully uncreative." He said. Then he paused. "If you don't want me to listen, I won't." He said more quietly, sincerely. It hadn't crossed his mind before that Vivian might not want him to. Tristan was surprised Vivian wanted to hang out now, he had partly assumed he had just been saying the things about hanging out out of politeness. He considered it. "I'm not busy, unless you count me having dad-duties right now." He said, still feeling strange to refer to himself as a dad. "If you don't mind Mason's company, I could probably use some coffee. He's not great at sleeping at night."

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian was glad that Tristan moved past the topic of their pasts, though he laughed softly at his comments about the music. "No, it's.... it'd feel weird to tell you you can't, right after telling you it's about you." He hesitated, debating how much information to give before giving up the struggle. "Tracks one and four are about you. I wrote one right after school, and four a couple of years ago, after last time I saw you." He said softly. "Neither is called f- uh.... screw you, Tristan." He added with a small smile, glancing down at Mason. "Not sure he understands swearing yet, though." He teased. It was a pleasant surprise when Tristan agreed to hang out with him, though once again Vivian found himself with no idea what the next step was. Nobody could throw him off like Tristan, even after all these years. "Cool!" He said too quickly. "I mean, not about the sleeping. That sucks." He hesitated. "There's a nice cafe just down that way? I could definitely go for a coffee too."

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan shrugged. "I'm curious, but I can imagine you maybe didn't expect me to hear it." He said, aware he and Vivian ran in very different circles. He nodded as Vivian said which tracks were about him, feeling oddly honored. "I see." He said. He laughed as Vivian commented on the swearing. "I know, but I'm taking no chances. Domi will bite my head off if he suddenly starts swearing as his first word." He said, the name he had been hiding earlier now slipping out unnoticed. He nodded as Vivian mentioned a cafe. "Alright, lead the way." He said with a smile.

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian hesitated. "I mean, I knew it was possible. I can't really control who listens to something that's publicly available." He said with a small shrug. "If you want to listen, you should." He chuckled lightly at Tristan's comment about the swearing though he also filed the name away, trying to think if he knew a Domi. The name wasn't familiar but he kept thinking about it as he started leading Tristan towards the cafe. "So where'd Mason come from? The name, I mean." He asked, looking for another topic.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan nodded at Vivian's words. "I just meant I can avoid seeking it out if you want." He offered with a small shrug. "But fair enough." He hesitated slightly at Vivian's question. It felt oddly personal to open up about his son. "Honestly, it was just a name I liked. I picked it but it doesn't have a special meaning or anything." He said with a small shrug.

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian shook his head again when Tristan offered to avoid it. "I mean, I published it knowing there was a chance you would listen. I thought you'd be angrier at me when you did, but there's nothing in there I wasn't comfortable with you listening to." He listened as Tristan explained the name, smiling slightly. "It's a good name." He paused at the counter while he ordered his coffee and let Tristan order in turn, before leading him to a table. Once they had sat down, Vivian decided to just bite the bullet on the question he had half-wanted to ask this whole time. "Can I hold him?"

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan smiled a bit, glancing at Vivian sideways. "You're only making me more curious." He said, wondering just how bad the song got. He really did hope his name wasn't mentioned in it, but he doubted it was. Tristan ordered a black coffee, then sat down at the table with Vivian. Mason was awake and watching Vivian curiously. Tristan wasn't sure why the question surprised him, but it did. He blinked. "Oh, sure." He said, hesitating for a moment before taking Mason out of the pram. "Hey buddy." He muttered to him, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek before handing him over to Vivian.

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian couldn't help a small laugh at Tristan's comment, as nervous as the thought of Tristan definitely listening made him. "It's nothing special. You'd have to actually know our history to even figure out who they're about, I tried not to give any identifying details." He added, wishing he had made that clear sooner. Watching Tristan hold his son, something in Vivian's heart twisted. It was a version of the man wholly unlike the cruel boy Vivian had once known. He arranged the baby easily in his arms, remembering when Aleja and Carolina had been that little, when the idea of being a brother had been entirely foreign to him. "Hi Mason..." He whispered softly, gently bouncing the boy in his arms. "Aren't you perfect?"