Graceless Heart

[Ainsley Lynch]

The wind from across the lake was chilly, chillier than Ainsley would have liked, but it was refreshing to be outside at Hogwarts again. She was sitting next to Hayley in the peaceful, cool afternoon, idly picking at a new shirt she was sewing pockets onto. It felt good, to be so calm and relaxed with someone else, after the tension of last year, and the stress of the holidays. It still felt a little strange to Ainsley, having a new friend, but Hayley was nice to be around, and easy to talk to. It was new and strange, but she cherished the connection.

And strangely, the thing that surprised Ainsley the most about the new friendship with Hayley, was how easy she was to talk to. With the growing list of things Ainsley couldn't talk to Amber about, even now that they were trying to rebuild their friendship, it felt strange and fresh to be able to just talk and listen, without worrying. And so Ainsley felt safe, trying to bring up a topic she hadn't talked to anyone but her mum about. "Can I tell you why I was so upset when we met?"

 

[Hayley Elridge]

Hayley sat comfortably curled up next to Ainsley, with her sketchbook resting on her knees. She doodled idly, not even really making particular shapes, just playing with the properties of pen and paper. It had been wonderful to go home for the holidays, to have the peace and the wiser perspective that Mum always gave her. But going back to school was always stressful, and it was jarring to have to be on her guard back in the dorm. Hanging out with Ainsley was calming, restored some of her equilibrium.

Their friendship had begun in a bizarre way, with Ainsley crying upside down in a tree, but in a way it had brought them close faster than any reasonable circumstances could, particularly with Hayley cautious as she felt the need to be around new people at Hogwarts. She'd seen Ainsley several times since then, and she was surprisingly easy to talk to, with a quirky perspective unlike anyone else Hayley knew. But she always had wondered precisely what had been going on that day, unwilling to broach it unless her friend was willing to talk. So now she turned to Ainsley with gentle attentiveness. "Of course."

 

[Ainsley Lynch]

Ainsley stared down at her feet, heart thudding a bit. This could be make-or-break for their friendship, and it scared her, that Hayley could react the same way Amber had to her orientation, or even worse. "I've never told anyone most of this." She said quietly, pulling her knees up to her chest. "I have... I'm in love with my best friend." She said quietly, looking down. The words felt strange in her mouth, new and unfamiliar, but it was also a relief, to really say them. To let someone know everything she had been bottling up. "But she got a boyfriend. She... acted like I was weird, for liking girls, so I didn't... want to tell her right away, that I liked her, and now she has a boyfriend. I was trying to build up my courage. I was... really scared she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore, but I... waited too long, I guess." Ainsley was too nervous to look over at Hayley, to see how she was taking the news. She didn't seem the kind to be concerned about that sort of thing, but there was no way to tell for sure. "So yeah. That's... why I was crying, I guess." Ainsley just stared down past her knees, and hoped Hayley would take it well.

 

[Hayley Elridge]

Hayley put her pencil down quietly in the middle of her sketchbook and turned to Ainsley. She wouldn't look up. Hayley kind of understood that. She'd never really thought about her own sexuality, but she certainly didn't have anything against the idea of a girl liking other girls. It seemed to her that anyone who thought otherwise was just creating another prejudice, another excuse for being mean to other people. Hayley felt a flash of anger at the thought that Ainsley's friend might have reacted like that. Girls were great, way cooler than boys. Why wouldn't you like them? This was way more, and way more mature, than Hayley felt equipped to deal with, but she would do the best she could by her friend. "Thanks for telling me." Impulsively, she placed a reassuring hand on Ainsley's knee. "Hey . . . it's okay. I don't mind. I- I think it's pretty sucky of her that she did."

 

[Ainsley Lynch]

Tense with nerves, Ainsley didn't want to look at Hayley, didn't quite want to see her reaction yet. It had been cathartic, definitely, to tell someone what she had been going through, but now she had to wait for Hayley's reaction, to hope she wouldn't now have to carry that same tension she had with Amber ever since first discussing this with her. Hayley's voice when she spoke was warm though, and Ainsley felt her tension and worries melt away, smiling in relief and looking up at Hayley as she touched her knee. "Thanks." She said quietly. "I... that means a lot to me." She said quietly. "I haven't been able to tell anyone about any of this. It... I'm glad you're my friend." She smiled, impulsively leaning over to give Hayley a kiss on the cheek. At the same moment, Hayley happened to be shifting the angle of her head slightly, and completely by accident, half of Ainsley's lower lip landed on Hayley's upper. Oops.

 

[Amber Chou Wilson]

Amber had been looking for her friend, she was determined to make things better between her and Ainsley this year so things could go back to normal between them. Last school-year had been hard on the Hufflepuff as their falling out had changed things a lot, and even though Amber had other friends she could spend time with as well as a boyfriend, she had dearly missed just hanging out with her friend.

As Ainsley wasn't in the Hufflepuff common room or their dormitory, Amber guessed she was somewhere outside. She checked the gardens, the edge of the forest, the lawn, and the wild patch club. It wasn't until she approached the lake, that she finally spotted the familiar shade of orange that could only be Ainsley's hair. She quickened her step, eager to surprise her friend. It wasn't until she started nearing her that she noticed she was sitting with someone else, had she been that focused on Ainsley? She faltered, stopping in her tracks. She didn't know this girl, she was fairly sure, and as far as she knew Ainsley didn't really have other friends. It wasn't that she didn't want Ainsley to have friends aside from her, because she definitely did, but it still felt odd to her that she didn't know this girl at all. But Amber was never afraid to approach anyone new, and she took a few more steps in their direction. She had started raising her hand in greeting and opening her mouth to call Ainsley's name when it happened. Ainsley turned her head and gave the girl a kiss, just like that. Amber blinked. Then, she realized what was happening and felt her face heat up. She looked away, her hand dropping to her side. This wasn't Ainsley's friend, they were dating. Just like Amber and Wyatt. She quickly changed direction, heading randomly away from them, not in the direction of the castle but that of the forest. It didn't matter to her as long as she could get away. It was very weird to see Ainsley kiss someone, and for the first time she kind of understood Ainsley's anger at her and Wyatt. She herself felt angry, upset, almost ready to cry. But why? Why did she care?

No, this wasn't going to be another year of them not speaking. Even if this felt weird, even if she wanted to ask Ainsley why she had hidden this from her, even if she was a little angry with her friend, she wouldn't turn on her. Maybe this could be a good way to show Ainsley she wasn't disgusted by her but supportive! She could do that, right? She sighed, hoping it would turn out that way as she finally realized where she had wandered off to and changed her course for the castle. She tried to distract herself with thoughts of Wyatt and her other friends, but her mind kept drifting back to Ainsley and... and her girlfriend. Amber didn't look back as she headed up to the castle, feeling a deep sadness without knowing why.

 

[Hayley Elridge]

Hayley smiled reassuringly at Ainsley. "I'm glad you're my friend, too." It tugged at Hayley's heart to see how tense Ainsley had been about this, how nervous she was that Hayley, too, would reject her. Hayley knew she would never do that; she was unfalteringly loyal to the few precious friends she had. But she supposed Ainsley had thought that her best friend would be supportive to her too, and she understood now Ainsley's pain that she had been pushed away instead.

Hayley's eyes widened in surprise as Ainsley's lip brushed her own. This was startling and unexpected. Did she think that because Hayley was okay with her being gay she would want to . . . No, that wasn't how anything worked. Hayley pulled away, slowly and gently so as to show she was confused rather than alarmed, and studied her friend's face. Was that what she had meant to happen? Judging by Ainsley's expression, it was unexpected to her, too. What had she meant to happen? Hayley thought about it, and realised in hindsight that she had, without noticing, turned her head just as Ainsley was leaning towards her. Had she meant to kiss her cheek? That was still a bit more intimate than Hayley expected from her friends, but more logical than a kiss on the lips out of the blue. Still, she didn't know what to say. What if it hadn't been an accident? "Um . . . whoops?"

 

[Ainsley Lynch]

Ainsley pulled back sharply, her eyes wide, covering her mouth in embarrassment. "Oh! I'm sorry!" She squeaked, face flushing brightly. Of all the mistakes to make, of all the times to make such a mistake. "I'm so sorry, that was an accident, I was trying to kiss your cheek but you moved, I didn't mean to do that at all, I'm so sorry!" She babbled, desperate to explain herself, to apologise, to fix this awkwardness. "I didn't want to actually kiss you, I mean, that would be... a really rude way to do that, even if it was something I was... trying to do, which I wasn't. I'm sorry." Ainsley watched Hayley nervously over the hands still clapped over her own mouth, terrified that she had now lost another friend.

 

[Hayley Elridge]

Hayley burst out laughing at Ainsley's babble of apologies. Probably that wasn't the most sensitive reaction, and it certainly wasn't what she would have done if she had thought about it, but on the other hand it would hopefully put her friend more at ease. "Hey. Hey, it's all right. I figured that it was something like that." She smiled, partly to reassure Ainsley, partly out of her own relief. She had hoped that was what it was. Hayley hadn't wanted to believe that Ainsley would kiss her on the lips just like that. She knew her friend was awkward socially, but that was beyond uncomfortable as a way to take their relationship in that direction, which she wouldn't have thought Ainsley wanted anyway. Not when she'd just confessed to being in love with her best friend. Not when Hayley . . . didn't actually have a sexuality yet. No, it was best all round for that to be a harmless mistake.