Closed Dusty Love Letters

[Arvel Ayers]

Now that Arvel was (mostly) done crying, he supposed he ought to pack. The prospect of this task in itself nearly reduced him to tears again. In the four short years he had lived in his small apartment, he had amassed an extraordinary amount of clutter. Most of it was stuff he'd picked up for free - stuff he hadn't needed at the time, but which he would have resented buying a year later when he did need it. Personally, he didn't mind the clutter, but if Analei was serious about letting him stay with her for a while, then at least half of it was going to have to go.

The problem was, he couldn't decide what was junk and what wasn't. Sure, he didn't need two copies of Wand of the Solstice, but one was signed by the author and the other had a limited edition cover with a moving picture on it. How was he supposed to choose which one to get rid of?

He had been kneeling on the floor re-reading chapter one for nearly five minutes when a knock at the door jerked him to his senses. Crap - Analei was here already, and he'd barely filled a single black bag with rubbish. He put the books on the coffee table and staggered out into the hall to let her in.

 

[Analei Westwick]

Analei's heart was hurting for her best friend, and though she knew it was a lot to ask of her new husband, she knew there wasn't really any other option. Arvel had always been there for her, and she would always be there for him, even if that meant creating awkwardness at home. She would do her best to keep everyone feeling comfortable and happy, but they were all adults now, surely that meant they'd all be able to look after themselves. Surely.

The blonde arrived at Arvel's place, knocking on the door. Arvel had only just opened the door before Analei threw her arms around him in a hug. She knew Arvel had been upset about the ordeal but when she pulled back and saw how puffy his eyes were, she tsked sympathetically and pulled him into a hug again. After a few moments, Analei let go, stepping back and taking a look around the place. "Arvel, you haven't even started!" Analei said, dropping her bag.

 

[Arvel Ayers]

Enclosed in his best friend's arms, Arvel nearly started to cry again. Thank Merlin he was dehydrated. Never in his whole life would he be able to repay Analei for all she was sacrificing for him. Of course, if their positions had been reversed, Arvel would have taken her into his home in a heartbeat, but he was fairly confident that he would never own his own house and Analei would never be so short of options that she had to stay in it. Still, he would find a way to thank her properly. He would.

Arvel rubbed his eyes and adjusted his glasses. "I have," he said. "Look, there's a bin bag." Admittedly, half of the things he'd put in the bag had since come out again and were now lying strewn about the carpet, but it was a bag all the same. "I just don't want to bring all this rubbish. Look at it. It's too much. I don't know what to do with it." Emotion began to rise in his voice and he paused for a moment to swallow it down. "What do I do?"

 

[Analei Westwick]

Analei half rolled her eyes and looked at Arvel when he said he had started, but held off teasing him when he continued to talk. Analei could hear the emotion, and it wasn't often that she heard him like that. She put her hand on his shoulder. "Hey, it's okay! That's why I'm here. We'll play a very easy game of keep or throw. First instincts, no thinking! Here - " Analei picked up a book called Wand of Solstice. "- Keep or throw?" She asked, holding up the bin bag as well. Of course, she would never just throw away a book, it would be donated, but adding the third option to the game would get confusing.

 

[Arvel Ayers]

A game? Sure, maybe turning it into a game would help. At this point, Arvel was willing to do anything if it made the process less soul-crushing. His optimism plummeted, however, when Analei went straight for the signed copy of his most beloved book. "Keep," he replied, wincing. It physically pained him to see Analei holding it so close to the bin bag. "And I want to keep that one, too."

 

[Analei Westwick]

Analei looked at the other one he wanted to keep. "Arvel. They're the same book. Why do you need to keep both of them?"

 

[Arvel Ayers]

"They're not the same," Arvel said. "That one's signed. The other one's limited edition."

 

[Analei Westwick]

Okay. Maybe books was not a good place to start. She would have to think of a way to get Arvel to part with one of them. She tried to not let her frustration show - she hadn't even been there for five minutes. Analei put the books to one side. "We'll come back to these. Let's try again with something easier." Analei said with an encouraging smile.

Two hours and (only) one bin bag later, Analei had left Arvel to sort through some stuff while she tackled another room. She had taken a bin bag with her, ready to throw everything away. He had so much clutter, it was crazy. Analei had managed to throw a few things away, before she saw a piece of paper, labeled, "Dear Jacob". Her hand reached for it immediately, but she paused before opening it. She really shouldn't. Should she? But she couldn't help herself. Analei felt her heart sink as she read the words. A love letter?

 

[Arvel Ayers]

Arvel couldn't relax while Analei was in the other room. He had nothing (to his recollection) that he needed to hide from her, but he had a terrible feeling that without his input she would throw all sorts of sentimental things into the charity bags, and as much as he appreciated her help, it would all be for nought if he had to unpack everything again the moment she left.

He stood chewing a hangnail for several minutes before finally marching toward the bedroom. On the threshold he stopped abruptly. Analei wasn't throwing anything sentimental away. She wasn't throwing anything away at all. She had started reading something and got distracted, much like Arvel had done minutes before she arrived. "What is that?" he asked, holding the doorframe.

 

[Analei Westwick]

Analei nearly jumped out of her skin when Arvel's voice appeared out of nowhere. She wanted to pretend she hadn't seen it - both for hers and Arvel's sake, but she knew she had been caught red handed. Merlin, if it could have been for anyone but Jacob. She would have encouraged him to send it, maybe even teased him a bit, but it just happened to be for the worst person in the world. Unsure what action to take next, Analei sighed, before handing the letter over to Arvel, so he could see what she had found.

 

[Arvel Ayers]

Arvel reached for the paper. What was it? Some old Herbology assignment? A shopping list? Surely it wasn't a page from his journal?

No. It was much, much worse than that. It was the letter. The letter he'd written years ago on a particularly lonely night and then shoved in a box to be forgotten about - until today. It wasn't a subtle letter, either; about half way down the page he'd clearly decided that he wasn't going to send it, as the confessions became increasingly heartfelt and vulnerable. Or perhaps he had intended to send it, in which case he was thoroughly indebted to whichever force had dissuaded him from doing so, because he would quite frankly rather have died than let Jacob read a single word of it.

Was it all still true? Arvel wasn't sure. He hadn't dated the letter, but he was fairly sure he'd written it just after graduation, when he had suddenly gone from seeing Jacob every day to not at all. Time, distance, and the development of real adult problems had somewhat put his feelings into perspective. Besides, the letter had only taken into consideration how he felt. What about Jacob? Had Jacob ever even liked him? And was there any sense in thinking about him if he couldn't even work up the courage to ask?

Arvel was aware of a growing silence. He cleared his throat. "This was private," he said, without anger. "Did you read all of it?"

 

[Analei Westwick]

Analei watched Arvel anxiously as he reread what he had wrote. She felt her cheeks redden when he told her it was private. She hesitated when he asked if she'd read all of it - well, she wasn't exactly going to tell him she was half way through her second read already, was she? "I didn't mean to pry or snoop... I just saw it and... well..." She trailed off, not quite meeting his eyes until the next question popped in her head. Looking at Arvel, she asked, "When did you write this? I had no idea... I mean, I knew you guys were... like friends but I didn't know you were... you know, like this." Merlin, would she have to attend the wedding? She didn't know if she was more upset that it was happening, or that Arvel didn't tell her.

 

[Arvel Ayers]

"I know." Arvel wasn't accusing Analei of snooping. He'd asked her to go through his things for him, after all. It was his own fault for forgetting he'd written Jacob a love letter. He just wanted her to know that he had never expected anybody to read it.

"Like what?" he asked. A beat later, realisation dawned. "We're not seeing each other. And we're not friends." Arvel dropped his gaze. Sometimes he wondered if they would have been friends, had it not been for the circumstances. He had never completely understood the rancour between the two of them. Individually, Arvel enjoyed both of their company - so why didn't they get along with one another? "He didn't treat me like dirt," he said suddenly. "He was nice to me. I could be myself, and - he didn't look at me like I was stupid. You and him are the only people who've ever looked at me like..." His brow furrowed. "Like I'm not just in the way. That's why I liked him." There were other reasons, too, but Arvel decided to omit them. "It doesn't matter any more. It was years ago."

 

[Analei Westwick]

Analei felt a small weight off her shoulders when Arvel said he knew she wasn't prying. Really, she hadn't meant to, but after seeing a heading lettered to her archnemesis, what was she supposed to do? She also felt herself feeling slightly grateful that Arvel wasn't seeing Jacob, nor were they friends. She felt sickened by the thought, but she really didn't want Jacob in her life, and if he was in Arvel's, he'd have to be in hers.
Arvel continued to talk, explaining why he felt the way he did. Analei hesitated at his first sentence, stopping herself from saying 'yes he did'. She remembered the way Jacob treated them, the way he had held Arvel up against a wall and made him cry, but Arvel had seemingly forgotten that. Sure, it was years ago, and maybe he moved on faster than her, but she couldn't help but hold onto this grudge - especially seeing as she saw him at work most days and he was still as irritating as ever. Still, as Arvel continued to explain, Analei listened, her heart softening a bit. "I never knew thats the reason you were friends..." Analei said slowly. She had never even asked; she just tried to forget their friendship even existed. "Why aren't you friends anymore?"

 

[Arvel Ayers]

Arvel shrugged. Of course Analei's grudge played a large part in his reluctance to reach out to Jacob, but it wasn't the sole cause. If anything, it gave him a welcome excuse, an easy reason to which he could pin all of his problems and pretend that he wasn't just scared. "I'm not exactly a good judge of character," he said. "I thought he liked me, but maybe - maybe when we were laughing, he was laughing at me." Arvel folded the letter, then crumpled it in his fist. "I trust you." Only you. "I trust your judgement. Why do you still hate him?"

 

[Analei Westwick]

Analei hadn't meant to make Arvel feel bad again. She had come to help, and she'd only made things worse. She didn't want Arvel to be friends with Jacob, but she hated seeing him so sad; she wanted him to be happy. Analei half heartedly lifted her hands in the air, in a gesture kind of resembling a shrug. "We just never really got past anything. And I can't forgive him for how he treated us at school. And then I still see him at work, and he's just the same. He hasn't changed, so forgiving him would be unwise because it would just be opening myself up to the same hurt." Analei rambled on, her frustration with Kingsley still evident.

 

[Arvel Ayers]

Arvel did understand. He'd always understood. And he would never have asked Analei to open herself up to hurt again. He just wished there didn't have to be any hurt. "We were mean to him. I was mean to him," he said. "The only time he was mean to me, I started it. I was the bully." It had taken him a long time to realise this, and even longer to process it. How could he be a bully when he'd never meant to hurt Jacob? How could he be a bully when everyone was constantly picking on him? He'd been so caught up in believing he was a victim that he couldn't imagine himself as the perpetrator. "He was kind of arrogant, but... we were, too."

 

[Analei Westwick]

"Yeah, we might've started that one, but he escalated it, way too far. Look," Analei sighed, before picking up something to throw in the bin bag, getting back to her job, albiet with a little less pep in her step. "You can say all you want, but there's been bad blood between us since day one. I don't think anything is going to change that." She said, over talking about Jacob. Analei couldn't remember exactly how it started, all she knew is that she was never going to be over it. "I don't care if you want to be friends with him," Analei lied, "And if you do get with him, I promise to always be on my best behavior." As long as he treated Arvel right. Otherwise he'd be cursed into yesteryear.

 

[Arvel Ayers]

Arvel wasn't sure what he'd expected. He knew what he'd hoped. He'd hoped that, seeing as how it clearly meant a lot to him, Analei might have been willing to have a mature discussion about it. Or maybe... well, maybe he just wanted her to admit to some fault in the matter, so that he could cling to the hope that Jacob wasn't a bad guy.

"Okay," he said. He wasn't ready to let it go, but what choice did he have? He wasn't exactly in a position to upset her. "You're my best friend," he added, because it felt like a good thing to say, though he meant it. "I'm sorry if I upset you."

 

[Analei Westwick]

Analei paused what she was doing again as Arvel spoke, and she felt the guilt weigh on her heart. She dropped the bag again and moved towards Arvel. "No, Arvel, you haven't." She said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry I can't let it go. It's just...people only ever see the good in him, but I've only ever seen his bad side, and then I'm the one that's made out to be the bad guy, and that's frustrating because he was really, really mean. He still is. But I guess he'd say the same about me." She said with a shrug of her shoulders. "You're my best friend too."

 

[Arvel Ayers]

For the third time that day, Arvel found himself holding back tears. "Yeah," he said, though it came out as barely a whisper. "I know. I'm sorry." He turned away and started gathering up the books on his dresser. More books he couldn't bring himself to get rid of. What was he going to do with them all? Why did he even have so many? What was the point in keeping any of them at all? "There's not enough time," he said. "There's too much stuff, there's not enough time."

 

[Analei Westwick]

Analei hesitated, knowing Arvel was even more upset now. Why did she even look at the stupid letter?! "We're getting there Arvel, we are! And if we need to, we'll bring it all over to mine and get rid of it there. Edmund can help too, it'd probably go faster." She said with a small smile, picking up the bin bag yet again, sweeping a bunch of stuff from a table into the bag without looking at it.