Felix wasn’t sure how long he’d been asleep, but as he woke up, he could feel Lanithro’s arm wrapped around his back, hand in his hair. He smiled lazily, but wasn’t sure if his companion was awake and so remained where he was for the moment. It had clearly been a few hours, since from his ability to see, it was dark, or, darker out than it had been when he’d first woken up that morning. The ache in his head had subsided almost completely and his sense were far more alert than they had been. He could hear the soft beat of Lanithro’s heart under his head and the quiet stillness of the otherwise empty room. It was peaceful, more peaceful than his life had been since Lyra had essentially kicked him out of her life four years previously, and even since then, the peace had not been so quiet. He didn’t want to move, he was happy where he was but he knew he had to get up and get dressed at some point, as much as he wanted to stay here, he didn’t think it was a good idea, it was far too easy to get lost in this bubble. But get lost he wanted, to just pretend like the world outside didn’t exist. But Felix wasn’t delusional, Lyra was out there and he did love her. They’d been together for so long that it was hard to imagine his life without her anymore. He’d thought about it a lot when she was gone and it had been hard, he just couldn’t accept that there was a chance they couldn’t be together. And yet, still, he stayed where he was, why? He had ample opportunity to just forget all of this, roll over, leave the room, go find Georgi to help him get rid of it all, he was sure she’d help, probably after laughing her ass of at him first. Lanithro wasn’t the person he’d ever expected to feel this kind of peace from and, if he was honest, it felt nice just to let things happen, see where the chips fall so to speak, things were so much more complicated, and despite all of this, he could just feel like Lanithro was so much less complicated, but he knew that couldn’t be true either. Lanithro had three kids with three different women, one of them Felix’s ex, and good friend. He didn’t know anything about the other girls, he’d never met them, or the other kids. Then there was Lyra’s pregnancy so there was potential for a fourth kid for Lanithro, and second for Felix or the first for Ezra. How did this become his life?
Felix breathed out softly, yet still remained where he was. This little bubble of, whatever it was, he was afraid to ruin it. He just felt so safe and content in his bed, wrapped in Lanithro’s arms and it was the kind of safeness he associated with a male figure. It wasn’t to say that he didn’t feel safe with Lyra, but it was different. Lyra was judgemental and hard to get to change her point. It could be done, with copious amounts of talking and helping her understand things, but, it definitely was not easily done. She was stubborn and passionate and had a rock hard resolve. Anything she said she was going to do, she was going to do it, as much as that pissed Felix off sometimes, it was one of the qualities he loved her for. Even if it had been turned against him so often he thought it was the only quality she had. He knew that wasn’t true, but sometimes it was hard to see through the marble wall she put herself behind. In contrast, there was no judgement from Lanithro at all. He supposed given their respective positions, there couldn’t be any judgement. There was something appealing about this, about just being here in his arms and not having to worry about what was happening in the wider world. But he knew he couldn’t just stay here either, could he? Felix knew he’d made jokes about Lanithro’s inability to apparently protect himself from parenthood earlier, but he’d been I exactly the same boat even if Lanithro was a father of three, possibly four. Georgi has somehow managed to become something of a best friend for Felix too as the years had gone on. He could be happy co-parenting Victoria with her easily. He’d never thought there would be anyone else he would ever give up his life for, but he just didn’t think he could put his life on hold for Lyra anymore. Victoria, he loved her more than he would ever have thought it was possible to love another human, and he hadn’t spent nearly enough time with her yet to make up for that. He was going to spend the rest of his life making it to the tiny princess. And then there was Lyra to think about too. They didn’t know who the father was, Lanithro, Ezra or Felix? Personally, Felix didn’t care as this was still Lyra, but, if it was Ezra’s would she stay with him? Would Felix be forced into the sidelines again? Would he have to watch, again, as she made a life with someone else and he was just expected to be alone? He didn’t believe that Lyra tried to hurt him intentionally, not after that initial hurt years ago, but it was an aspect of their relationship that terrified him. That maybe, despite what she said and what he said and what they both said, that she didn’t need him nearly as much as he needed her.
Felix sighed softly, moving his head slightly to look at Lanithro. He didn’t really want to move, but knew he had no choice now, they had to talk about whatever this was. Felix wanted to know Lanithro’s thoughts. He wasn’t comfortable making assumptions, since that had definitely gotten him into trouble before. He tapped lightly on Lanithro’s chest to try and rouse him. “Lanithro, are you awake?” The light out side was less again as he looked. He hadn’t realised how long he’d been trapped in his thoughts. This was all just so easy. He was scared to break that. “Hey, we should probably get dressed eventually.” He didn’t want to, he could stay right here happily and that, that scared him just as much.
