Deciphering Me

[Ainsley Lynch]

After all these years, the gardens were still Ainsley's favourite place in Hogwarts. She suspected that the forest would overtake them if she were actually allowed there, and was a little surprised that the library hadn't made the top of her list, but there was just something about the gardens. They reminded Ainsley of home, but they also held so many special memories of important times at school. Ainsley had spend hours here... reading, daydreaming, looking at the flowers, spending time with Amber. It was a special place, that felt to Ainsley as if it held a magic all its own.

The spring flowers were in full bloom now and Ainsley had spent some time knotting an assortment of flowers into her hair, a practice that always made her feel more like herself. Being at school surrounded by so many people had definitely changed her over the last four years, she realised, but being out in the fresh air of the gardens, flowers knotted through her hair reminded Ainsley of the little fairytale loving girl she had come to Hogwarts as so many years ago. It had taken so long to get comfortable, to understand how to be around so many other people all at once, but Ainsley could tell that she was stronger now, and happier too, with friends around her. She was proud of the person she was becoming.

Ainsley was meandering around the flowers when she spotted Amber among the bushes on the edge of the garden. Breaking into a bright smile, Ainsley waved to her happily. Seeing Amber was the only thing that could make such a nice afternoon better. "Amber, hi!"

 

[Amber Chou Wilson]

Amber had said something out loud that she never thought she would be able to say. And it hadn't just been aloud to herself in the mirror or anything, but to a classmate. Clementine was a nice girl, but she was hardly Amber's closest friend. It was somewhat strange that she had confided her biggest secret in the world to the girl. Confided wasn't even the right word, she hadn't been consciously keeping it a secret for that long, as she had been hiding the information even from herself. It wasn't until she heard Clementine explain how her sister Darcy had felt that she had been unable to deny it any longer. Amber Wilson liked girls, and liked them that way. And unless she had just not met the right boy yet, she was starting to feel increasingly certain she only liked girls. Somehow that felt more alarming, though it was also strangely liberating to say it, or even think it to herself. She had started to accept different sexualities in others a while ago, as she knew Ainsley liked girls AND boys. But to accept it within yourself was something else entirely, which was why she had been refusing to linger on the thought for more than a second until she couldn't evade it any longer. But now that she had said it out loud, the thought wouldn't leave her mind no matter what she tried. She had been trying desperately to distract herself, though studying hadn't proven to be very effective.

That's how she had ended up here. The gardens were an oddy comforting place for Amber, even though she was too distracted to really pay attention to her beautiful surroundings. What she kept thinking about was how she would tell her parents, and how they would react. She didn't necessarily think they would react badly, but they would be surprised. For some reason, that was enough to make her stomach feel like it had tied in knots. She liked following expectations and exceeding them, she didn't like defying them. It was silly, but she wanted to be what they saw her as. She was certain they were expecting her to bring some boy home over the holidays any day now, and she knew she wouldn't. Sophie probably wouldn't care, though she did think she would maybe be even more surprised than her parents.

She was distractedly playing with the amber necklace around her neck, the one Ainsley had made for her nearly four years ago now. She didn't wear it every day, as it didn't go with all her outfits and she liked to vary, but she still wore it quite often. Especially in moments like this, where she felt like she needed the bit of comfort. The memory of Ainsley handing her this was a nice one, and it made her smile because that had happened here in the gardens too. Though it had also been the place they had been when Amber had told her about Wyatt, something that had broken them apart for way too long. Strangely, it had also been here that they started repairing that damage again after Wyatt and her had broken up. It was a special place to her for many reasons.

Her thoughts about her best friend were interrupted when she heard a familiar voice, as if she had known Amber was thinking about her. Amber turned and pasted a smile on her face at the sight of her redheaded friend, though her stomach sank. Would she have to tell her? Surely she didn't have to, but she wasn't sure if she would be able to stop herself. It was on her mind so much, and she knew Ainsley would understand it better than most."Ainsley, hi! What a coincidence." She said, trying to be as bright as usual. She looked at her, letting go of the necklace she had been fumbling with.

 

[Ainsley Lynch]

Ainsley wasn't any good at reading most people's mood, but she knew Amber better than most people. Her friend looked fidgety, unsettled, and was trying to cover it up with a cheerful voice. Ainsley had gotten a sense of something bothering her friend ever since their first Ancient Runes lesson of the year, but it felt like Amber wasn't comfortable enough to talk about it, and Ainsley wouldn't really know how to ask about something so sensitive. As much as she trusted her best friend, it still worried her slightly that there was some relationship or crush that Amber hadn't felt like she could tell Ainsley about. If it was bothering Amber this much it had to be something serious, and Ainsley hated that she didn't know if or how she could help.

Making her way over to Amber, Ainsley gave her friend what she hoped was a sympathetic smile. "Hi! I was just spending some time in the garden." She paused for a moment, not sure how best to ask what was wrong. "Is everything okay? You look a little stressed."

 

[Amber Chou Wilson]

Amber wasn't surprised Ainsley saw right through her, but it was a little frustrating. How was she supposed to keep this to herself if her best friend could read her like an open book? But after spending so many years together, it was no wonder. Amber had a lot of friends, even more acquaintances, but Ainsley was the one person that knew her best. If she was honest, even more than her parents and especially her sister. But that's what made this so hard, what made it so hard to tell her. She sighed, running a hand through her hair as she shrugged. "I... I just have a lot on my mind. Fifth year is a lot." She said truthfully, though she didn't meet Ainsley's gaze. As soon as the words left her mouth, however, she knew she couldn't keep the bigger issue to herself. It was too all-consuming and too important, and she remembered the day Ainsley had told her something very similar. Her reaction had been less than ideal, and she now felt even worse about that, knowing how scary this was to share with someone else. "Actually, can we sit down? I think I need to tell you something." She said, nervous but certain that this was the right thing to do.

 

[Ainsley Lynch]

Ainsley saw the pretense of cheerfulness drop from Amber like a shed cocoon, and knew she had been right about her friend. Amber looked even more unsettled than Ainsley had realised, and she wished she knew what she could do to make things alright for her friend. She nodded slowly. "It is. The classes all feel like they got more difficult at once. I know it's an important year, but it's a lot of stress." Ainsley knew that Amber took classes and grades more seriously than she did, and it had to be wearing on the girl. Amber looked more nervous than stressed out though, and when Amber said she had to tell Ainsley something a hundred possibilities flashed through her head all at once. Nodding, she gently lead Amber to a nearby bench and sat down next to her, staring down at the grass between her bare toes for a long moment. It was dawning on Ainsley that she had been right after all. Given the Runes lesson, and how nervous Amber was now, it seemed that there was only one possibility. Even as she felt her heart sinking to the bottom of her stomach, Ainsley kept her voice gentle and measured. "If... you have a boyfriend you can tell me." She said softly, unable to bring herself to look at Amber. "It's alright. I won't freak out again, I promise." Although she knew now that it didn't have to mean the end of their friendship, and that she could stay there for Amber through anything, a large part of Ainsley dreaded her friend dating for entirely different reasons, ones she knew she could never tell Amber herself. But their friendship came first, and Ainsley knew that if they weren't going to have a repeat of third year she had to be clear that nobody would drive Ainsley away this time.

 

[Amber Chou Wilson]

Amber's heart was hammering in her chest as she followed Ainsley to a bench and sat down with her. She felt like she was about to dive off a cliff into the unknown. Amber didn't like the unknown. She was a planner and an organizer and she liked it when things went the way she expected. This wasn't something she could plan for, not even in her color coded homework planner. She needed to just tell Ainsley what was on her mind, and deal with what happened after. Whatever it may be. She was trying to string the words together in her mind, staring down at the grass. She noticed that Ainsley wasn't wearing shoes, as usual, and the grass poked up between her toes. The small detail made her smile, and her heart softened a little. Ainsley was Ainsley, her best friend in the whole wide world. If she could trust anyone with this piece of her, it was Ainsley.

But as she opened her mouth, Ainsley also started talking and Amber quickly closed her own mouth to listen to what she had to say. Ainsley's words were sweet, but they nearly made Amber giggle by how wrong she was. That was probably mostly nerves, but she actually had to bite the inside her lip to stop her form bursting into slightly hysterical giggles. She swallowed the impulse down as she looked up at her friend. "No... that's not it." She said softly. "It's not a boyfriend. I'm not dating anyone." It was nice to say that, but now she had to move the conversation to the topic of what she did mean. "It is... related to dating." She started, then faltered. There was no careful way to say this. "Ainsley, I don't like boys," she blurted out. "Like what you said in second year, about liking both boys and girls, but only the girls part." Her hand flew to her mouth as soon as the words left her, as if she wanted to catch the words. With Clementine she had cried, but now she didn't feel like crying. What she mostly felt like was running away, but at the same time she felt like her feet were made of bricks.

 

[Ainsley Lynch]

Ainsley could feel the tension in Amber as they sat together, anxious at the prospect of what could have made her friend so upset. She knew that her reaction to Wyatt had been wrong and painful for Amber, had made things difficult between them, but they had talked things through. It was... difficult to think about, but Ainsley knew she could handle things better this time, could be more understanding, say and do the right things. She was surprised when Amber shook her head, dismissing Ainsley's theory, and her eyes only widened further as Amber explained. It was... something Ainsley had never expected to hear from her best friend, a hope Ainsley had pushed deep, deep down to the bottom of her heart after Amber's reaction to Ainsley's own coming out.

While her mind was still processing a revelation she never expected, and what this could mean for their friendship, Ainsley went onto autopilot, shaking her head urgently. "Oh, Amber, it's okay." She said quickly, taking Amber's hand away from her mouth and squeezing it between both of her own, lacing their fingers together gently. "It's okay, I promise. Everyone loves you, everyone will always love you, no matter what. Just be the wonderful person you are." Ainsley found it difficult to meet people's eyes, but she needed to make sure Amber saw the sincerity behind her words, looking up from under her scruffy fringe to meet her friend's eyes.

 

[Amber Chou Wilson]

Panic rose in Amber from the moment the words had left her, as now she really couldn't take any of it back. Now it was real, and it felt nearly tangible in the air between them. The urge to run was still there, and she almost felt like Ainley's grip on her hand was keeping her anchored. She swallowed dryly as she listened to Ainsley, and she shook her head slightly. "People will see me differently, you know they will." She laughed nervously, fidgeting with a strand of her hair with her free hand. "They'll talk about it, and some may think its weird or strange." Her mind flashed to her friends Evelyn and Noemie, and even November. All of those girls had only ever talked about liking boys, as if it was the only possible option. What would they think? She was sure none of them expected it, and Amber liked to follow expectations. She finally met Ainsley's eyes, and told her somethings he should have said a long time ago. "Ainsley, I'm sorry that I reacted so badly when you told me something similar about yourself. I've been uncomfortable with the subject for as long as I can remember. Though I never stopped to think why... but I still shouldn't have made you feel like it was bad. I'm so sorry." It was something that had weiged heavy on her for a while now, but she had never known how to bring it up. Now that they were on the subject anyway, it was a good time to clear the air. She looked into Ainsley's eyes, and knew that even if her other friends reacted badly to anything about this, she would have Ainsley at her side. It was the most reassuring feeling, and made her relax somewhat. After a moment of hesitation, she squeezed Ainsley's hand back.

 

[Ainsley Lynch]

Ainsley held Amber's hand tightly, keeping the connection between them as she listened to her friend. It was strange to hear - Amber was already worried about things Ainsley hadn't been concerned about until they happened to her. She shook her head though, squeezing Amber's hand. "That doesn't matter." She said firmly. "I know people think I'm weird, but I think it's more important to be the person I am than worry about what they think. And if anyone's mean or makes fun of you, they don't matter and they don't deserve to be your friend. This is just another piece of what makes you the amazing person you are. Anyone who doesn't see that isn't worth your time." There was nothing but sincerity in Ainsley's voice, desperately hoping she could say something that would make Amber feel more safe. She knew how painful it could be not to have this side of yourself accepted, and Ainsley didn't want anything like that for Amber. She was surprised when Amber brought up her own reaction to Ainsley's coming out, and shook her head quickly. "It's okay." She said gently, squeezing Amber's hand again as she reconsidered that reaction in light of Amber's revelation. "We were really young, and if... this was something that was scary for you to think about I can... understand why you reacted the way you did. We're both okay now." She smiled warmly, keeping her eyes on Amber's. "Everything is okay, and I'm... really glad you told me this."

 

[Amber Chou Wilson]

Amber shook her head. "You can't just say it doesn't matter." She said more firmly. "Saying it doesn't matter doesn't make it NOT matter." She said, looking at her desperately. "I'm not like you, I can't stop caring about what others think of me or how they see me. Whether they're my friends or not." The words were painful to admit, because Amber knew she shouldn't care so much about other people's opinions of her, especially not of people that weren't her friends. She knew they shouldn't matter, but they did. She wanted to be someone others could look up to, but at the same time she wanted to fit in. Knowing this about herself made her fear she couldn't accomplish either. Ainsley's words did warm her, but somehow they didn't reach her completely. Knowing Ainsley had her back was one thing, but her fear of being different was deeper than even she herself knew. She was happy that Ainsley didn't mind her words from a few years before anymore, though she still felt bad about it. Knowing what she knew now, she understood her own reaction to Ainsley's coming out better, but it still had been bad. "I still should apologize. No matter my reasons, I should have been a better friend to you." She said with a small sigh. She bit her lip. "I know I always have you as a friend, I just worry about the things that will change."

 

[Ainsley Lynch]

Ainsley was a little surprised at Amber's strong reaction to what she had hoped would be comforting, but as she listened she tried to understand it from Amber's perspective. She knew that being liked and having social status mattered a lot more to her friend, so when Ainsley spoke again she tried hard to choose words that would better address what mattered to Amber. "Then... does it help that there are people who will always love you?" She asked gently, rubbing the back of Amber's hand lightly with her thumb. "You have so many friends who love you for the person you are, and I'm sure that even if it's strange to them at first, what matters to them is being your friend. And if anyone else has problems with you we'll all stand by your side. You won't have to go through any of this alone." She paused, a little nervous. "Does that help?" Ainsley didn't know what else to say, she couldn't always empathise with others and struggled to see why her reputation was such a concern to Amber. She knew that she wanted to make her friend feel safe though, and while Ainsley avoided conflict with other students she realised there wasn't a person in the school she wouldn't fight for Amber to feel safe and happy being herself. When Amber apologised again, Ainsley shook her head. "It's okay. I forgive you. Everything... is different now." She smiled. "And that doesn't have to be bad. This is... just another step in growing up and becoming the person you're supposed to be." She squeezed Amber's hand again gently. "And... I'm proud of the person you are right now."

 

[Amber Chou Wilson]

Amber knew even as she explained how she felt that Ainsley wouldn't really understand it, and she tried to push her frustration with the situation down. Ainsley genuinely didn't care that much about what others thought of her, not like Amber did. Amber didn't worry only about her friends or family, she wanted to show her best side to everyone. The thought of strangers whispering about her and forming opinions without even knowing her made her nauseous. Though Ainsley's words managed to make her feel a little better. "It helps a little." She admitted, knowing that her friend was right. "I know I have you and my friends, but it's just so strange." She sighed. "People will talk, and think things about it. I can't stop that." She knew she couldn't. But she also knew she had to try not to care too much about that. It wasn't the end of the world after all. And she couldn't keep going the way she had been. Just telling Clementine and Ainsley was enough to make her feel lighter, like a burden was lifted off her shoulders. If she kept hiding, she was sure she would be quite unhappy in her future. "I know I have to stop worrying so much. It's just difficult." She added with a small sigh. "I don't like it when things change and become so different, but I can't hide any longer either, especially not from myself." She laughed softly, shaking her head. "I don't know who else I'm going to tell yet. I suppose it won't be much of a public problem until I... well, date a girl." The words were strange but thrilling, and she felt her cheeks heat up. Suddenly she was very aware of how Ainsley was holding her hand, and her eyes darted up to mee Ainsley's, though she didn't pull her hand away. Hearing that her friend was proud of her made her feel warm, and she gave her a small smile of thanks. "I'm proud of you too. You've grown so much since first year." She said truthfully, remembering the shy and scared redheaded girl she had met in the dormitory on the first night at Hogwarts.

 

[Ainsley Lynch]

Ainsley was sure that she still wasn't saying quite the right things, but she was relieved to see that Amber at last looked a little less upset. That was a start, and feeling properly comfortable would come with time. It had taken time for Ainsley too. "I know." She said softly, running her thumb over the back of Amber's hand. "But people will stand behind you too, and after a while, everyone will just be used to who you are. They can't talk forever." She generally didn't have much to do with gossip, but Ainsley was fairly sure that the subject moved on pretty speedily. Surely whatever people had to say about Amber would be gone in the wind the next time some popular couple broke up. Ainsley listened as Amber talked more about her worries, nodding sympathetically when she mentioned not liking change. That was definitely a sentiment Ainsley could agree with. Big life changes never came easily to her, and this was clearly a big change for Amber. Ainsley had averted her eyes while Amber spoke, finding it too difficult to maintain eye contact for so long, choosing instead to look down at their joined hands idly. When Amber talked about dating a girl though, Ainsley's eyes snapped up to meet hers, surprised. Ainsley hadn't quite put the pieces together yet from Amber liking girls to Amber actually wanting to date one. As their eyes met though, Ainsley felt something different in the way Amber was looking at her. The air around them felt like it was standing still, Ainsley's heartbeat thudding through her. There was a long silence between them as neither girl could bring themselves to look away. Ainsley could feel the words between them neither of them quite felt ready to say, but as she looked into Amber's eyes she realised maybe it didn't even need to be said. They both knew. Maybe they had both always known that this was more than an ordinary friendship. It felt like they had both been saying the same thing in different languages for years, and all at once they could suddenly understand one another. The silence was eventually broken by Amber saying she was proud of Ainsley too and she smiled, cheeks warming slightly. "Thanks." She said softly, heartbeat still thumping through her whole body. "Vertically too..." She joked, smiling warmly.

((slight godmod approved))

 

[Amber Chou Wilson]

This moment was strange and almost magical, as it felt like time slowed down and there was nothing else in the world that mattered than the two of them. It hardly even felt like they were at Hogwarts anymore, instead it was like they were in a small universe just for the two of them. She let Ainsley's words wash over her, and they actually managed to reassure her somewhat. She knew that Ainsley was right, but it wasn't as easy to just accept that there would always be people that looked at her weird. Amber knew it was true that they would get used to it, but it still made her feel scared. She wanted to say more, but all her worries would sound silly now and she was running out of words to say. Part of her felt like they didn't need to talk more. Ainsley understood her completely, and it was nice to just bask in the feeling of complete acceptance that she felt as she talked to her. Ainsley's eyes met hers again and they stared at each other. Amber felt her heartbeat speed up as they kept their gazes connected. She had rarely let herself look at Ainsley's eyes for this long, as it made her feel strange. She had felt strange about Ainsley a lot lately, and she knew she had for a while. A part of her even knew what the strange feeling was, but it was hard for her to admit it even to herself. Over the past few years, Amber had pushed away that feeling so much that it was hard to allow it to blossom now. But there wasn't much she could do to stop it either. There was something between them, something that had always been there but never spoken out loud by either of them. It was terrifying and wonderful at the same time. Part of her wondered if Ainsley would lean in to kiss her now, and the thought gave her such a jolt that she nearly jumped back. She didn't, and kept a hold of Ainsley's hand. Even if it scared her, and even if she couldn't quite make herself even think the words yet, she didn't want to break the spell of the moment. A small laugh escaped her at Ainsley's joke, and she felt her cheeks heat up. "You got so tall." She said with another small laugh. "I don't think I'll ever catch up." The talk was silly and meaningless, but what really needed to be said was too new and too fragile to say out loud yet. Amber had the feeling Ainsley knew this too.