Dear kid,
I don't have a spine, and you know it. I was tired last night and I can't say no and I'm really lonely and you keep using that to your advantage. I don't know how many times I've told you that we should be friends but it's been at least five or six times. It's really hurting my feelings when I can't trust you to respect those boundaries, and I'm disgusted with myself that I can't maintain them. You're too young and too immature for me, and it'll never work out for us, and I wish you would respect that and move on. I value your friendship, but it doesn't seem like you do when you turn it in to flirting every single time.
Sincerely, the girl who's spent a couple of months saying no.
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Dear "best friend",
Wow, you're so immature. Yeah, I know I am too, but come on. I had a terrible day, a date that turned out to be a disappointment, and then you go on about your girlfriend and don't realise why I'm telling you to bugger off? You and your girlfriend just plain sicken me, you were never like that with me and it was nice. You know, a best friend wouldn't come across as straight up rude to all my new friends. I wanted you to get along with them because I knew you probably would, but you came across as a huge jerk, and I was really disappointed with you for that. We have drifted apart, you make it sound like it's all my fault but it takes two to tango.
Sincerely, the girl you like to generalize and patronize.
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Dear best friend (for real this time?)
Thank you for all your help last night. While after you'd gone I didn't really have that same protection from the kid, I really appreciated you being there for me and keeping an eye on me, even though you were just as exhausted as I was and probably just needed to sit back and relax/wanted to hang out with everyone else. You are the best. I'm sorry I was such a pain to deal with this weekend, what with the drunkenness on Friday (and you walked me home with everyone which made it even harder for you because you had to help everyone else get back to your place), the freakouts on Saturday (I'm still really sorry about that) and all the stuff last night. You're such a great guy and I am very lucky to have a good friend like you.
(you say kismesis, I say moirails.)
Love, the eternal source of schadenfreude in your life.
Dear me,
Jealousy is a terrible emotion and you should stop feeling it. Be grateful that you have some amazing friends for once in your life. You know what happens when you complain about being alone. Just stop trying.
In aggravation,
your brain, who knows much better than your heart.