Closed Us and the Stars

[Lars van Houten]

Set during the yule ball

Lars had really enjoyed spending the yule ball with his boyfriend, even if he wasn't much of a dancer. But he sometimes felt a little overwhelmed in crowds, and knew Elliot sometimes had the same thing. So after a few drinks and a bit of awkward dancing, Lars had suggested they go outside for some air. He secretly always liked it best when they sneaked away during events like this, when they stole a moment just together. Once or twice they had skipped the event altogether to spend time together instead, and Lars cherished those memories. Holding Elliot's hand, he led the other boy outside into the courtyard, stopping once they were outside to kiss him softly. "Are you having a fun night?" He asked Elliot quietly, meeting his gaze. He thought it was a fun time, but couldn't help but feel like something had been on Elliot's mind. Lars wondered if it was the exams, his cousin, or maybe something else. He hoped Elliot would confide in him.

 

[Elliot Briar]

Elliot had spent the whole night feeling guilty. Getting dressed, dancing with Lars, the entire evening had been marred by a sense of impending doom hanging over his head and he hadn't been able to focus on anything else tonight beyond that roiling in his guts. He'd been waiting for the right moment inside, but words kept failing him. Now that they were out here in the quiet though, Elliot knows he had to speak up now.

He tried not to grimace when Lars kissed him, hoping to enjoy what was possibly the last time Lars would ever kiss him before taking a deep breath. "Yeah, yeah it's been- It's been nice, of course," Elliot said, returning Lars' gaze sadly as he attempted to to gather his thoughts together. "But.. something's been on my mind and I think.. I think I need to say something," Elliot knew it would be easier if he just did it, broke up with Lars nice and quick, like a band-aid, but he couldn't help but want to try and soften it somehow. Maybe if he really explained things to Lars it might hurt him less, though he was struggling to find the right words, rubbing a hand tiredly over his face while he tried to think.

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars gently ran a hand through Elliot's hair after their kiss, but then took his hand as the boy looked at him sadly and told him there was something that had been on his mind. Lars had thought something was preoccupying him, and now it seemed like it was time for him to share it. He wondered what it was, and he simply nodded with a slight frown. "Alright... you can tell me anything." He said, searching his face. "Is everything okay?" He asked, suddenly wondering if something was wrong. Elliot was looking upset, and for the first time, Lars was starting to feel a little worried.

 

[Elliot Briar]

Elliot mentally fumbled for a moment, trying to find the right words to get started. He should have asked Katy for more help with this after all. "I think I need to be honest with you," Elliot said, taking a deep breath and giving Lars' hand a little squeeze. "You're easily one of my best friends, you're sweet and talented and I feel calm when I hang out with you," Elliot said, trying to build himself up to actually saying the next part. He wanted Lars to understand that Elliot still really cared about him, even if he didn't want to date him. "But.. I-I don't think I'm being fair to you. I don't think I like you the way you like me. Like.. I really like spending time with you and hanging out and dating you was fun but I think. I think it didn't mean the same things to me as it did to you and that's not fair to you, right?" Elliot was saying the word like too many times, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything as weighty as love. It was hard enough to get these words out and Elliot focused instead on their joint hands so he wouldn't have to watch Lars' face. "I'm.. really sorry Lars, but I don't know if we should date anymore," He said finally, letting out a shaky breath.

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars' heart sank a little as Elliot said he had to be honest with him, but he wasn't sure why. It just sounded like the sort of thing that was never followed with something nice. But then Elliot said a bunch of nice things, so Lars was a little confused but apprehensive as he went on. It took a few moments for Elliot's next words to sink in, but when they did Lars let go of his hands. He blinked at him in confusion before his brow furrowed. "W-what?" He asked softly, a slight panic creeping into his voice. "You... don't know? Or... is this you breaking up with me?" He asked, his voice shaking a little. Elliot had said he didn't know, so maybe that meant there was still a chance that it would go well. Maybe... maybe he was just expressing his doubts. But looking at Elliot, Lars had a sinking feeling that this wasn't going to be fixed. "Did... Did I do something wrong?" He asked quietly, trying to meet Elliot's eyes. "If I did, you can tell me... I can fix it." He muttered.

 

[Elliot Briar]

Elliot tried not to flinch when Lars dropped his hands, trying to drum up the courage to meet Lars eyes when Lars started speaking. He figured he owed him that much, giving Lars a sad look as the other boy's voice shook. "I- yeah, I mean-" Elliot fumbled, trying to find a way to explain in a way that wouldn't hurt Lars. It was almost tempting to take the out, to say he wasn't sure and maybe they could talk about it more, but deep down Elliot knew that wouldn't be right. That things weren't going to change about how he felt.

The knot in his stomach twisted tighter when Lars asked if he'd done something wrong and Elliot raised his hands with an edge of desperation. "No, no Lars, I'm sorry, it's not- You didn't do anything wrong, it's all me," He insisted. "I just.. I think I got confused with what I wanted. You're one of my best friends and I care about you so much.. I thought that feeling was what people meant when they said talk about dating and stuff but.. it's- It's not," Elliot said hopelessly, his thoughts were still a mess of how to make Lars understand without ruining things with them forever. "I'm so sorry, Lars. It's not fair to you to try to be anything more than friends with me," He said finally, trying to use some of the words Katy had used before dropping his own hands to his sides.

 

[Lars van Houten]

Somehow, Elliot's expression was what made him know that this was over. There was no hope, no talking about it anymore to fix it. He wanted to run away, but he was frozen on the spot as he listened to what Elliot had to say to him. He claimed Lars hadn't done anything wrong, but how could that be true? As Elliot kept talking, Lars could feel tears stinging in his eyes. This was even worse than he had thought. "So... it wasn't... real?" He finally asked, trying his best to keep his voice steady. "It was never... never real, for you? You just got confused about what you wanted?" He felt his voice rising a bit, and clenched his fists. "You never actually liked me?" He asked, his voice soft again as he looked at Elliot desperately. The words started to sink in, and Lars felt extremely foolish. Of course this hadn't been real. Of course Elliot hadn't actually liked him. It wasn't too difficult to believe, Elliot had always seemed too perfect to be real. Or at least, to perfect to be real for Lars. The last words Elliot said were too much. Try? He guessed he had been trying, he had just thought Elliot had wanted him to. He recalled their moment in the rain, their first kiss. Had he been doubting that early on? Lars felt overwhelmed. Without another word, Lars shook his head and ran back inside. He couldn't do this.