Closed Turned Inside Out

[Eric Holland]

Continued from here

Eric couldn't recall the last time he had felt like this. He must have been a very small child, before he started to realize he could put his emotions away on the inside and force them out as anger eventually. Now, Eric didn't feel angry. He just felt sad, crushed, empty. He had briefly considered going home, but Minnie was out and he didn't want to burden her with this. Truthfully, he didn't want to burden anyone with it, but Eric had reached his breaking point. He couldn't do this alone, so he turned to the only person he could trust with his feelings. He knew he could fall apart in front of his mother, she'd find the right way to put him back together. He apparated into his mum's house, looking around the living room. "Mum?" He called, hating how his voice cracked. But there was no stopping it. The tears came out like a flood, and all Eric could do was hang on. He dropped down on the couch, curling himself into a ball as he started to sob uncontrollably. His mum wasn't here either, he was all alone.

 

[Connor Holland]

Connor wasn't pulling himself together - the very idea of being properly together felt impossible these days. But bit by bit, it was getting easier. He was learning his new job, and wasn't entirely failing at it. He knew the outlets he had been finding for his feelings weren't the healthiest, but they were outlets and that was good enough for now. He was getting by. A small, foolish part of him was even considering going back to night school. It had been too much last time, but he was doing better, he really was. Really. And sitting around feeling bad about having thrown his future away in seventh year wasn't doing him any good. So - maybe.

Connor was staring at the application form he had been half-writing for the last few weeks, pros and cons racing through his mind for the hundredth time. He just wanted to feel normal. It had been so long since he had felt normal, had felt like a real person. To get that back - his thoughts were interrupted by the crack of apparition. It seemed early for Mum to be home, but before Connor had really thought past that, he heard a sound that struck his heart hard. Connor didn't know if he had ever heard Eric this genuinely devastated before, and every worst case scenario rushed through his head at once. Had something happened with Minnie? To Minnie? He hurried to the living room, fight with Eric entirely erased from his mind as he crouched next to Eric, pulling his brother close without hesitation. "It's okay..." He whispered, feeling a little disorientated being on this side of someone being comforted. He didn't remember the last time he was the one doing the comforting, rather than the other way around. "It's okay, I've got you."

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric felt a vague relief when he felt someone sit next to him. But that disappeared once he realized who it was. Eric choked on his sobs, trying desperately to stop. How had he forgotten about Connor? Why wasn’t mum here? Connor couldn’t see him like this, he couldn’t know. He’d be even more devastated than Eric, and that would mean he only made everything worse. “no.” He croaked, breathing hard in a near-panic. “No, I-” He took a deep breath, forcing a sob down with much effort. He pressed his hands to his eyes, trying to stop his tears. It only worked a little. Eric’s shoulders slumped in defeat as he realized he wouldn’t pull himself together. “F*ck.” He hissed. “Didn’t- didn’t want you to see this.” He hiccuped, not quite daring to look at Connor just yet. Another sob made his shoulders shake.

 

[Connor Holland]

Connor couldn't suppress a full body shudder when Eric tried to reject his comfort. He didn't know how to handle this - give Eric his space? Being upset had made him explosive when they were younger, but this... Connor had never seen anything close to this before. It wasn't until Eric swore that he made up his mind, cradling Eric's shoulders and guiding his head lightly to Connor's shoulder. "It's okay." He repeated softly, rubbing Eric's back. Whatever was going on, he was going to be here. "You're okay, I've got you."

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric knew this was a bad idea, he knew this was the worst thing that could have happened. He needed to protect Connor from what happened, but he wasn’t strong enough to keep it all inside. Why wasn’t his mum here instead? Eric felt weak as he let Connor guide his head to his shoulder, then leaned on him. He closed his eyes tightly. “It’s not okay.” He whispered. “I can’t- you’re just going to get hurt too, I can’t tell you.” He mumbled quietly. “I can’t, Connor. Just give me- give me a moment I’ll be okay.” He had to be strong for his brother. “I just- I just need a moment.” He repeated, pushing down his emotions a bit more.

 

[Connor Holland]

Connor's heart broke as Eric spoke, sorrow and concern bleeding through him and only adding to the fire of his nerves. Eric had never been hurt like this before, and Connor never wanted to see it again. The mention of him getting hurt baffled Connor but he shushed Eric gently, rubbing his back and shelving his theories about Minnie. "It's okay." He said softly. "You don't... you don't need to tell me." He said softly, struggling a little harder to shelve his curiosity. "You don't need to be okay. Just.... take however much time you need." He murmured, holding his brother tighter. Never in a million years had he expected to ever hold Eric like this, to ever see his brother crying like this. It was wrong, and he didn't know how to deal with that wrongness.

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric sighed softly as Connor gave him an out. He was relieved, of course, but quickly realized a small part of him was also disappointed. He still wanted to say what happened, wanted to put it into words. The way his dad hadn’t even tried to convince him he loved him, it hurt. Eric just let himself be held for a moment, trying to think of the last time they had been like this. Maybe when they were really small? But even then, Eric was pretty sure he had always been the one to comfort Connor. He couldn’t remember being comforted by anyone but his mother when he was young. “I went to see dad.” He finally whispered, the words practically bursting out despite himself.

 

[Connor Holland]

Connor had expected Eric to drop the subject, dedicating his focus to gently rocking his brother in time with the hand on his back, going back to the things he had found the most soothing during his own breakdowns. He had emotionally braced himself to just weather the storm until Eric felt better, hoping that he wouldn't lash out when he recovered enough to regret the vulnerability. It was a shock when Eric spoke again, and Connor's blood froze in his veins as he processed the words. "Oh..." He croaked out, hand on Eric's back still moving automatically. "...What happened?"

 

[Eric Holland]

As soon as the words left his mouth, Eric regretted them. He was doing what he had told himself he wouldn’t, putting things on Connor’s plate when he could be the one dealing with them himself. He grumbled and looked away. “Can’t tell you.” He muttered though he knew he would if Connor pressed even a little bit. There was a small part of him that wanted Connor to see what their dad was like finally, but he also knew he would be devastated. “It’s nothing.” He added weakly. "I'm being dramatic."

 

[Connor Holland]

Connor didn't know whether to be relieved or not when Eric clammed up again. He knew sharing was probably the healthiest thing to do, but the thought of what his dad might have done to make Eric so upset was a harrowing one. "It's okay." He said after a moment, voice trembling a little. "If... if you need to talk. I won't argue." He added, preemptively biting down the part of him that had led to so many scraps with Eric over their father. If something had hurt Eric this much, he needed to know, needed to take it seriously. "You're not being dramatic." He added, rubbing Eric's back more consciously. "It's okay to be hurt."

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric knew he had to stop talking, he should just wait until their mum was back. She would know what to do. But he knew she would also urge him to be honest with Connor, to stop treating him like a baby. But how could Eric tell him he went to ask their dad to spend time with him and he said no? It would just make everything worse. Eric covered his face in his hands. ”You’re going to hate me again.” He muttered. "I tried to make things better for you but if I tell you what happened it's just going to be worse again. I don't want that."

 

[Connor Holland]

Guilt and nerves gnawed at Connor's stomach, chewing their way upwards. He knew things between him and Eric were bad, had been for a long time. He knew the subject of their father was a deeply sore one, but in this moment it all felt meaningless. Ten minutes ago he would have crawled across glass for his father's approval, but now he'd give it all up in a heartbeat to make Eric stop hurting. "I won't." He promised, heart thumping in his throat as he tried to squeeze the words out. "I won't hate you. I promise, whatever it is, I - I'll listen..."

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric sniffled and shook his head. “You might. And even if you don’t, you’ll be upset.” He said softly. “I- I don’t want to upset you, Connor. I’ve always wanted to protect you from that.” He said, finally lowering his hands to look at him. “I… I thought I could carry all that for you. And you’d be... fine. You wouldn't have to be sad about it.”

 

[Connor Holland]

Each word hung heavily in the air, a chance for Connor to turn around, close this door and pretend things were the same as they had been. It would be easy - it would be so easy, to just forget whatever had made Eric so upset and go on trying to connect with his father, but now... there was no chance. He shook his head, moving back a little to squeeze Eric's shoulders. "I - I'm an adult." He croaked, failing to keep the waver out of his voice. "I... I don't want you to carry everything. That's not... you don't have to do that." He swallowed, meeting his brother's eyes. "We're both just people. If... if something's hurt you, I need to know. I can't just... go on like this never happened and ignore... whatever's hurt you this badly."

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric took a deep breath when Connor said he was an adult. He knew that, but the instinct to protect Connor was ingrained in him. He wiped at his eyes, then sat up. “Alright.” He said softly. He didn’t quite look at Connor as he started to speak. “I… went to see dad because I know you had been down, and you weren't speaking to me so I didn't know how to make it better... so I thought if I could just talk to him and get him to hang out with you sometimes you’d feel better. I didn’t want you to find out I asked.” He said, his voice hollow. “But here we are.”

 

[Connor Holland]

As brave as he was trying to be, Connor really didn't want to hear this. Whatever had happened, his family was never going to be the same. The guilt and nerves that had been gnawing at his stomach became a pit as Eric spoke, horror seeping out from it to fill his limbs. Whatever Eric was talking around, it had to be bad. He didn't know whether Eric talking to their dad for him was sweet or condescending, but he had to put that thought aside for now. "What happened?" He asked shakily, dread gripping him tightly.

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric reached for Connor, grabbing his hands tightly. “I- he just… wouldn’t.” He said softly, closing his eyes tightly. “He just kept saying you were better off without him, that he’d just make it worse. He had an excuse for everything. I- I practically begged him, I told him I wouldn’t ever need him to be my dad if he was just yours for a bit.” His voice broke and he let out a small sob again as he thought back to it. “I’m sorry, Connor. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He whispered.

 

[Connor Holland]

Eric reaching for him was so unfamiliar that it was hard not to flinch away but Connor managed it, squeezing Eric's hands back tightly as he listened. His heart clenched at the words, mind racing to justify them. Feeling like he wasn't good enough - that made sense. It was obvious really, when he thought about it. Merlin knew Connor felt the same way most of the time. "No, no, it's... it's okay." He said shakily, squeezing Eric's hands again as fresh tears bubbled up. "Everything's okay, it's - this is good. I can just... tell him that it's okay, and he's not making things worse. It's okay..."

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric’s heart broke all over again when he saw the hope in Connor’s face and heard it in his voice. How many times was he going to hope for their dad? Was it just going to go on forever? It was torture. “Connor.” He croaked, reaching for him. “It’s not- it’s an excuse.” He said softly, trying to reach him. “He basically admitted it. At least, didn’t contradict me when I said it was. He just doesn’t want to be a dad.” He swallowed. “I had to beg and he still didn’t want to. I’m sorry.”

 

[Connor Holland]

Connor wasn't scared often, but seeing Eric this distraught, this certain that everything was wrong... scared the sh*t out of him. “No...” He croaked, pulling his brother into his arms and hugging tight. “No, he's just... scared, Eric, he just... wasn't ready for us. He wasn't ready for us to come back into his life either. He just needs time...”

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric let Connor hug him, feeling his shoulders sag as Connor continued to deny it. Continued to make excuses. He had no more fight left, he hadn't thought that was possible. He sank against Connor, feeling his heart break more. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I'm sorry Connor." He was both sorry about what he said and sorry that his brother still believed, still had hope. He knew it would be crushed sooner or later, just like it had for him. The utter defeat was audible in his voice.

 

[Connor Holland]

Connor didn't want to believe anything Eric had said, he desperately wanted it all to be untrue. But Eric was... crying, he was crushed in a way Connor had never, ever seen before. All of the things Eric had tried to stamp out of him when they were children. Seeing him so distraught tugged at something in the desperate hope Connor had been clinging to ever since their father had returned. "What... what exactly did he say?" He asked, voice hollow.

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric felt so utterly empty that it took him a moment to realize Connor was speaking to him. He had just about given up on his brother actually listening to him, but Connor's question gave him pause. He wanted to say exactly what his dad had said, but could he? Could he crush Connor's last bit of hope? Eric knew he had to, he knew he couldn't let his brother keep waiting for something that was never going to happen. But that didn't mean it didn't feel horrible. Eric took a deep breath, shuddering. "I asked him.. if he could do stuff with you sometimes. Like, hang out once in a while. Or floo call you. I figured- I figured he didn't need to ice you out just because I was a crappy kid he couldn't stand, or whatever. You deserve more." He said, trying to sound less upset, but he could hear his voice wavering on every word. "He said- He said he wasn't built to be a dad. He-" Eric had to pause, breathing in deeply and out slowly. He didn't want to break down more than he had. "He just kept making excuses. I asked him for s-so little. But he wouldn't. He just wouldn't." Eric started to cry again, quietly. "He said leaving us was the best thing he could give us."

 

[Connor Holland]

Connor had known, he had known that whatever this was, it would hurt to hear. But knowing something and being ready for it are very different things. He took a few shaky breaths, trying to collect his thoughts. It's exactly what I said, he quickly rationalised. He's insecure. He wanted to believe that so badly, wanted to keep arguing, to convince Eric, but something stayed his tongue. After all this time, after everything, his dad couldn't... even try. "He... he's just..." He trailed off, an ending to the sentence escaping him. What was he just? "Eric, he can't..." He croaked, heart clenching.

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric had been trying to get through to Connor this entire time, but he regretted it the moment he saw that he had. He saw it in Connor's eyes, the moment that he realized just what was happening. Eric immediately wished he could take it all back. He just grabbed Connor tightly instead, pulling him close. "I'm sorry." He whispered, hugging him. "I'm sorry, I- it's my fault." His voice broke, and he stifled another sob. Crying was useless, it didn't help anyone. But it was difficult to stop.