Closed Trepidatious Truths

[Lillian Lockwood]

-godmod approved-

Lily was a little surprised when she had agreed to meet Jasper over the holidays, and even more surprised when they'd ended up making out on her couch. Her parents were both off, her mother at work and her father taking Ren and Rose to an Art Gallery out in Wellington. She couldn't complain really, she was enjoying the attention. She always felt so soft around Jasper, he was cute and she trusted him. She kinda felt like this was a dangerous game they were playing... or at least, that she was playing. She had cared greatly for Jasper once. Right before he'd broken her heart. Lily sighed, pressing her forehead against his. "Jas, what are we doing?" She asked softly.

 

[Jasper Night]

Jasper had been happy enough to go over to Lily's house during the break, it wasn't the first time he'd been there. But he hadn't expected them to end up on the couch, kissing. Somehow, he'd thought they would hang out and play some chess or something, though he couldn't say he minded. He blinked as Lily pulled away, a little disoriented. Then he blinked again at her question. "Uh, kissing. I think." He answered.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily laughed lightly, brushing his hair back and sighing. She sat up a little, heart fluttering in her chest. "No, Jas, I mean... what's going on?" She elaborated, hesitating a minute before sitting up. "We... probably need to talk about... this. We can't put it off forever," She looked back at him and smiled shyly. She wasn't sure what to think just yet, and decided to wait a moment to see what he had to say.

 

[Jasper Night]

Jasper faltered a little at Lily's question, pulling back and sitting up as well. "I mean, do we?" He asked a little uneasily. "You know, I don't think kissing is that big a deal to some people... like, I talked to Nell about it and she said it's fine to kiss... y'know, casually." Jasper said, scratching his neck. "That's what this is, right?"

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Jasper spoke, and while Lily couldn't exactly say she was surprised by his words, her heart still fell. She sighed, turning her head away and letting her hair fall down like a curtain between them. "Come on, Jas," She spoke softly, "You know me better than that," Lily bit her lip, sighing softly. "I mean, it may have started that way, sure, but I..." Lily rubbed her arm, feeling a soft sadness settle over her. "You know I can't stay casual, Jas..."

 

[Jasper Night]

Jasper felt his cheeks flush a bit when Lily said he knew her better than that. He felt oddly like she was chastising him, and got a bit defensive. "Well, no. I don't know you better than that. We've never really gone here before, or talked a whole lot about it." He said with a frown. "When we started this you seemed fine with casual kissing." He said, feeling an odd feeling of panic in his chest as he realized where Lily was going with this. "So what, then? What do you want to do?" He asked her.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily hesitated, sighing softly. "I... I don't know, Jas." She brushed a hand through her hair, looking to him. "You're... one of my closest, oldest friends. In the end, I don't want to lose that, no matter what." She reached over, sliding her hand over his. "But... I'm always a romantic." she sighed softly. "I just... you're already important to me, Jasper. I don't think... I'm not able to keep things casual." She admitted slowly. "If we keep doing this, I... I know myself well enough to know I'm going to want more. A future. With us."

 

[Jasper Night]

Jasper felt his heart sink a bit when Lily brought up their friendship, it reminded him of the last time they had tried something like this, how it had nearly ruined them. "I don't want to lose that either." He said quietly. As Lily said she wasn't able to keep things casual, he winced. "Right." He said, wondering if this as his cue to ask her to be his girlfriend. But Nell flashed through his mind at that time, and he knew he couldn't He didn't know if he wanted Nell to be his girlfriend instead, but he knew he couldn't ask Lily right now. He swallowed. "So.. what do we do?" He asked her instead, wanting her to take charge and tell him after she was the one who brought it up.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

-godmod approved-

Lily considered his question a moment, thinking it over a bit before letting out a long sigh. She leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to his lips again before leaning her head on his shoulder. "We take a step," she spoke slowly, running her fingers lightly over the skin of his arm in an aimless pattern. "Either.... we make it official, or... we go back to being friends now, while we can still go back without hurting each other." She sighed.

 

[Jasper Night]

Jasper winced a little as Lily said they should take a step, especially after she kissed him and he thought for a second they'd just go on with that. Jasper shifted a bit, sitting up slightly and pulling away from her a bit. "I don't know, Lily." He said quickly. "I can't just... decide like that right now." He said, feeling a bit put on the spot.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily felt her heart drop as he spoke. She sighed softly. "Alright, then... that's your answer then." She spoke quietly, sitting up and letting her hair fall to cover her face. "Jasper, I... you are one of the most important people in the world to me. You've always been special to me, you've always had a place in my heart. But if... if you and I keep doing this, I know myself well enough to know that I will fall in love with you." Lily looked away, feeling tears in her eyes. "We... we need to go back, Jasper. You aren't sure, and I can't chance losing my best friend because he's cute and a good kisser. I..." Lily bit her lip and sighed. "My mother lost everyone when she graduated; her family, her friends, she was forgotten. My heart couldn't take it if I did the same."