Closed Out of Mind

[Lars van Houten]

Lars had dreaded his first patrol date since he had seen he was paired up with Elliot for it. He wished he'd had the guts to talk to the head girl about it. But it was too late now, and here they were together. They had been walking in an awkward silence for a few minutes now, and Lars kept looking at the different paintings they passed in the corridor so he didn't have to look at Elliot. He wanted to talk to him, and had vowed to do so during this patrol, but it was harder now that it was reality. But talking to Lily had made it clear to Lars that he was upset with Elliot and had things to say to him, but now that they were here it was difficult to bring it up. He bit his lip, considering for a moment. "Did... Lily tell you we made up?" He finally said to Elliot without looking at him.

 

[Elliot Briar]

Elliot had been wanting an excuse to talk to Lars, properly talk to Lars for months now. And yet he'd managed to flub every chance so far, from the prefects' meeting to Lars' weird visit after the quidditch match. It was like last year all over again, where Elliot could so clearly see what he needed to do, and yet making himself actually do it seemed impossible. He'd been so focused on finding the right words to say to Lars that Elliot actually jumped when Lars spoke up first.

"Uh. Yeah, I'm glad," Elliot said cautiously. And that was true. Elliot had been glad. Mostly. He'd also felt a little hurt and bitter than Lily was allowed to rebuild her friendship with Lars and Elliot still felt like he was walking on eggshells around someone who used to be his best friend. But that made him feel even more like a jerk than this whole messy situation with Lars usually did and Elliot tried to push the whole thing away. "Look I- I think I owe you an apology. Again," Elliot said, words stilted and awkward. He'd spent so long thinking of what he should try and say to Lars, but now that Lars was in front of him again, it had all immediately left his head. "I swear I didn't mean to but I really hurt you," He said, slowing their circuit around the corridor to see if Lars might look at him.

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars wasn't sure what sort of reaction he'd hoped for from Elliot, but even now a small part of him could recognize that there was no good reacion the other boy probably could have given that would have been good in this instance. He grit his teeth. "Yeah." He said, his voice rough. "I realized I was punishing for stuff you did." He snapped, "and it wasn't fair." He subconsciously sped up a bit, moving ahead of Elliot only to round on him when he apologized again, stopping them in their tracks. "Again." He repeated dryly. "The previous one was barely an apology, Elliot. And so is this, honestly." He told him angrily. "You didn't mean to really hurt me? Well, you did. You strung me along for months, never really liking me how I liked you. Did you hate kissing me too? Did you just put up with it?" He asked, gesturing angrily with his hand as his voice rose slightly.

 

[Elliot Briar]

Elliot felt his heart sink when Lars talked more about Lily. He'd been so busy punishing himself over the holiday he hadn't really thought about how much Lily really missed Lars too. He'd been annoyed that she hadn't wanted to talk to him about it all, and now he'd not even realized how much it probably sucked for her too. He stopped short when Lars rounded on him though, not expecting the sudden sardonic, angry Lars in front of him. "No I-," Elliot started, brows furrowing as he tried to bat down the own hurt that was rising in his throat at Lars accusations. "Look, I know what I did wasn't- Wasn't nice. But it wasn't on purpose," He insisted, bunching his hands in the sleeves of his robes.

"I honestly didn't know how I felt, and by the time I realized it wasn't the same as what you did, it was too late," Elliot said, hating how meekly his voice came out. He hadn't wanted to make excuses, he really had felt awful for what he did to Lars, but Elliot didn't feel like Lars was being fair. "I don't think you're unlovable or awful or whatever you think I do," He said quietly. "I'd just. Never been in that situation before, and I cared about you so much. I thought maybe that was what it felt like to like someone like that. I'm sorry that I hurt you while I figured that all out," Elliot said, dragging a hand along his face as he spoke and wishing he could just disappear behind his palm. This whole conversation made him feel hot and uncomfortable, as if whatever salvageable piece of his and Lars' friendship was balancing on each word he said.

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars couldn't help the incredulous laugh that escaped him. "Wasn't very nice?" He shot back at him, shaking his head. "You must have known... from the moment we kissed, it must have felt off." He argued, shaking his head. "And... it wasn't too late, you should have just told me the moment you knew." He told him, his voice now shaking a little. "By the time you told me, you had known for a while, hadn't you?" He challenged. "Weeks, right? When I had no idea." He added sadly, then looked down at his feet. "It... didn't hurt so bad because you felt differently. I could have lived with that." He said, his voice quieting. "It hurt that you lied about it to my face and made me feel like a fool." He said, glancing up at Elliot again. "Made me feel not good enough." He admitted quietly. "I was already thinking it. I could see how your cousin was looking at me last year, like she was wondering what you saw in me, and you proved it by lying to me and then telling me while we were on a date." He swallowed. "Most of all, I'm pissed because all of this made me lose my best friend." He added bitterly.

 

[Elliot Briar]

Elliot already felt like this conversation was rapidly slipping away from him. He'd spent so long feeling awful and imaging how to make things right, and now he was just messing things up more. He couldn't say he hadn't wanted Lars to be upset, almost like he wanted Lars to validate how bad Elliot had felt. But now, in the face of Lars' scorn, Elliot was starting to feel defensive. Lars could be angry with him all he wanted, that was earned. But Elliot hadn't done this on purpose. "I didn't know!" He insisted, surprised when he raised his own voice some to match Lars. "I didn't have anything else to compare it too. I thought maybe that was how everyone felt.."

He did hang his head at Lars next accusation. That one rung true. Elliot had been a coward once he had finally figured things out. Unable to bring up the courage for weeks, months even. "I know. That part's true. I was so scared of hurting you, I just made it worse," Elliot said, eyes fixed on the floor. "I don't have an excuse for that. Please don't think it's anything to you with you, I was- I was a coward," Elliot admitted, shutting his eyes before chancing a glance back at Lars' face. "Katy- Katy helped me realize things, she wasn't judging you," He said hotly, a surge of protectiveness threatening to derail his already messy apology. He sighed, the anger quickly replaced by more misery as Lars mentioned losing his best friend. "You really don't think- There's nothing I could do help fix it?" He asked softly. That had been his biggest fear, breaking up with Lars and even now, apologizing to him for it. The second Elliot addressed it, the sooner he might have to accept that things with him and Lars were broken beyond repair.

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars grit his teeth as Elliot said he didn't know, hadn't known it wasn't romantic love that he felt. It was difficult to imagine, as Lars had known so immediately and so certainly, and it had been easy to make himself believe Elliot felt the exact same way. "Fine." He said. "But you should have told me earlier." He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. "I just feel... like such an idiot." He said after a moment. "That is part of why I didn't feel like I could talk to Lily. I had this idea that you must have talked to her about it, that you both knew how much of a fool I was for being so in love wen you were trying to find a way to break up with me." He had calmed down after his initial outburst, his voice quieter, but still full of angry emotion. Lars snorted when Elliot said Katy hadn't been judging him. "I'm pretty used to it, Elliot. I know what it looks like." He said, looking away. He winced at Elliot's last words, then shrugged. "I don't know." He mumbled. "I just want you to know what I felt, to understand." He looked up at the ceiling, willing himself not to cry. "A part of me wants to hurt you just as much. But I also know I can't." He said as one hand moved over his face. "Not when I don't mean as much."