Open Failure

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily lay on the floor, not moving and almost letting out a choked laugh when the instructor told her not to move. She didn't mean to. Somewhere, she thought she heard Jasper, but she was too busy biting her lip and trying not to cry at the pain in her shoulder. She had never been so humiliated. She clung to the nurse as the woman helped Lily up, barely breathing as she tried to hold back the tears, shutting her eyes and wishing it would all just go away. Lily had always been clumsy, she had grown used to the sight of her blood, and she was used to tripping and stumbling in front of her other classmates. But this- this was different. Her shoulder ached terribly, the pain so intense she was sure she might pass out.

She let herself be whisked away to the hospital wing. Before she knew it, they were finished, and Lily was recovering alone. She laid in bed, curled up on her good side, and had started crying softly. Lily knew she was useless already; her best friends were quidditch captains, club leaders, prefects. And Lily? She was nothing. She wasn't a prefect, her grades were horrible, every boy she had ever liked had left her. And now, she had been the only one to splinch herself during the apparition lesson. She was pretty sure that hadn't been done in years.

Lily pulled the blanket tighter around her, shame and humiliation swirling in a dark pit in her gut. Her shoulder ached, and she would always have a scar there. It was vain, and silly, and the scar wasn't even that bad, faded and only about six inches long, but it was a scar nonetheless and Lily couldn't help but feel like it was just a visible reminder of everything she was- a failure.

 

[Elliot Briar]

Elliot had hesitated after the apparation lesson ended. Part of him wondered, if something like this had happened when he was younger, if he would have even thought before rushing after Lily, class or now class. Now, he'd felt like he'd been glued to the spot, even once they were dismissed, distinctly aware that he had other responsibilities he had to take care of as well. But he wouldn't be able to think today if he didn't at least see Lily was okay, so Elliot just set his jaw before hurrying up to the hospital wing.

Poking his head in, it was easy enough to spot Lily, and while she looked all in one piece, it was hard to miss the misery rolling off of her. "Well, this is kind of the opposite of how it usually goes," He said quietly, trying to offer Lily a weak smile as he approached her bedside. "Usually, I'm the one all banged up and miserable," He said, hand hovering awkwardly. Elliot wanted to touch her shoulder at first, but stopped, considering petting her gently on the head, but maybe Lily wouldn't want to be touched, so he let it drop, stuffing his hands in his pockets instead. "You doing okay?"

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily opened her eyes as she heard the familiar voice. "El?" she sniffled, rolling to look at him. She couldn't help the way her lower lip trembled, just wanting to pull him into bed with her but stopping herself. She sniffled lightly, shaking her head no. "They fixed my shoulder," she replied miserably, "There's a scar." She sniffled, turning more onto her back and shifting her shirt to show him the scar along her collar bone. "I'm never gonna apparate," she whispered, tears spilling over again. "I'm such a failure," she hiccuped.

 

[Elliot Briar]

Elliot gave Lily a weak smile as she rolled over, heart hurting to see her so miserable. He could feel his mouth compressing into a thin line as Lily spoke, eventually moving to cautiously sit next to her on the bed, resting a hand loosely on her head, previous reservations about touching her more or less forgotten. "Yeah, it sucks, Lils," He said softly. "You've had a crap year, huh," He added sheepishly, wincing when he thought of her and Clifton. "You don't have to try if you don't want to..." Elliot said slowly, trying to think if he could help her some way, but apparation scared him just as badly as it clearly scared her. "It's hard magic, you're not a failing for messing up. You could always learn later," He offered, running his hand over her hair slowly as he thought. It would suck if Lily had to wait a few years to learn, but if Elliot managed to pass, he could always come visit her a lot easier. "There's always floo or even brooms. Remember how scared you used to be of flying in first year? You got better," He said, remembering how scared Lily had been, curled up by the Quidditch pitch after lessons. "I'm always so proud of you. I know you're like me, a lot of things scare you, but you put yourself out there anyway."

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily sighed softly, her entire body relaxing as she felt Elliot's fingers in her hair. She nodded, sniffling. "It's been a hell of a year," she agreed softly. She opened her eyes, listening to him talk about how she shouldn't think she messed up, how it was 'hard magic'. She sighed, shutting her eyes. "I'm still scared of flying," she spoke quietly, bringing a hand up to hold lightly to the edge of his sleeve like she had when they were young. "I'm a witch, aren't I?" she asked, wiping at her eyes. "I'm supposed to be able to do these things. But I- I can't. My grades are mediocre at best. I'm not a prefect, or a captain. I'm not good at anything, El." She sighed again, running the fabric of his sleeve gently between her fingers.

 

[Elliot Briar]

Elliot reclined a bit more on the bed as Lily relaxed against him, doing his best to half lean on the pillow while still keeping his feet off the bed. "You can say that again," He said with a tired smile. "Yeah, but you still passed flying. You could pass this too," He assured her, giving her a gentle squeeze, still wary of her shoulder. He frowned as Lily listed all the things she wasn't good, chewing on his lip. Elliot felt the same struggle Lily did, clearly, though he let his anxiety channel into long nights trying to account for every possible quiz question and outcome with his homework, where as Lily tended to withdraw. He didn't think it made either of them any less of a witch or wizard. More stressed ones, perhaps. "Some of that may be true, but you're good at stuff still.." He started slowly. "You're great at reading. And baking. And picking out thoughtful gifts, being a good listener. And finding Penne," He said, brushing his hand along her hair.

"Being prefect or captain or whatever doesn't make you any more of a witch than not.. I just wish you could see the Lily everyone else gets to," Elliot finished with a sigh. Lily had struggled believing she was amazing for years, and he doubted she was about to listen to him now, but he hated seeing her so down, so he had to try.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily wanted to argue, but she just felt very... drained, right now. Flying hadn't tried to take her arm off. She cuddled into Elliot's side, shutting her eyes and relaxing into him. She actually laughed as he spoke of the things that she was good at. "Well, now that you've brought it up," Lily sat up again, "Did you want her back?" She reached over and lifted her pillow, showing off the little blond rat curled up in the top corner of the bed. "I don't know where she comes from, she just... always appears," she laughed lightly. Her smile faded a little though, and she sighed, leaning forward and laying her head on his shoulder. She wasn't sure what Lily he thought everyone else saw; with her history, she hardly felt like any Lily was very appealing.