Closed As This Silence Continues

[Gregory Friend]

Despite the fact he couldn't hear anything in the hall, the place was busy and dark, and he wanted some fresh air. He took Zerrin's last note and held his gaze for a moment before motioning and walking out of the hall, moving to the courtyard where there weren't people hanging around. He looked back to see if Zerrin was following. "I wanted to be your friend, but I'm..." he started before pausing, unable to find the words. He just sighed. "I'm not a good friend, people always get bored of me,"

 

[Zerrin Fergusson]

Zerrin followed after Gregory as the boy motioned for him to, feeling like they were finally making some progress. He listened to Gregory, scribbling out a new note and offering it out. Gregory, I've been chasing you down for years, trying to respect your boundaries but still not walking away. We got into a huge fight and yet I still went home and took sign language lessons without you confirming what I already knew and without knowing if we'd even speak again. What do I have to do to prove my loyalty to you?

 

[Gregory Friend]

Gregory had to wait for him to finish writing the note and then looked at it, and back at him. He knew this was what Zerrin was saying, and knew in part he had isolated himself a lot, but too, during some of the worst of it with Cassius before his hearing, it wasn't like Zerrin had been around. Or he just hadn't noticed. "I never asked you to do that. I don't...I don't need a mother hen, trying to always make everything better, I just need a friend...whose there," he said holding his gaze. "I also know I haven't made it easy, but every other friend always eventually got annoyed with having to do so much for me, for having to always be there for me, that they would eventually yell at me and leave,"

 

[Zerrin Fergusson]

Zerrin listened to Gregory, thinking about what he said before scribbling a new, longer note reflecting his frustration. It's hard to be there when I can't even get you to talk to me without you going on rants about how alone you are and how no one cares. There's only so much I can do- I can't FORCE you to spend time with me, and you can't expect me to trail after you like a lost puppy when you make it clear almost every time we talk that you don't want me around. I'm sorry, I really am, if I wasn't around enough. It's just- its HARD trying to figure out what the boundaries are when I've put all the effort into whatever it is we have. Can you tell me any instance in which you sought me out? Any time when I haven't been the one trying to reach out?

 

[Gregory Friend]

Gregory had to wait for the response, but he knew that Zerrin was mad. A part of him, feared that the boy was about to hit him. That he would just lash out because it was all he deserved. He read the note and then glanced back up at him. He wished that they could just talk, that they would just talk back and forth. He motioned for the pen, and when given, he tried to form the words to reply. He tried to find the right things to say to him, but his eyes just welled in frustration and he just wrote before shoving the note back at him.

Spoiler

You're a good friend, I'm sorry that I kept pushing you away. I'm sorry that I never reached out - I always wanted to, but could never find the courage, or I didn't look hard enough. Someone's been picking on me since like day 1, and I think it's made harder for me to....trust...I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I just need someone now...more than before...the world is just silent...I'm so scared all of the time. I miss hearing your music..

 

[Zerrin Fergusson]

Zerrin nudged Gregorys arm and moved to sit down nearby. He let the boy write out a note and glanced over it. He bit back a sigh, scribbling out a quick reply of his own. Gregory, I'm not going anywhere. I'm mad at you, sure, but obviously I'm not leaving. You can stick closer, if you want- we can quiz each other on the sign language stuff, have sleepovers in the dorm. You said you weren't completely deaf, right? I'm sure we can find a way to work with what you have.

 

[Gregory Friend]

Gregory moved to sit down and then looked as he wrote down a response to what he said. He raised his hand to his right ear. "A little, but it's muffled and distant, it can be difficult to discern whats being said." he told him. "Cassius is helping teach me sign language," he told him.

 

[Zerrin Fergusson]

Zerrins nose scrunched a little in distaste as Gregory mentioned Cassius. He didn't have a lot of interactions with Cassius, but he seemed generally unpleasant enough to deal with. He sighed. Okay, and...? We're just going to skip by everything else? He chewed his lip a moment before adding another line. You can't tell me you're upset we never spend time together then ignore me every single time I try to offer for us to spend time together.

 

[Gregory Friend]

Gregory looked at the note and shrugged a little before he glanced back at Zerrin. "Its not like I've been in a good place Zerrin, I'm sorry I ignored you, but at least for the last like period I have been dealing with losing my hearing," he told him with a little sharpness in his tone which he didn't of course hear. "And even before that, there was all this stuff with Snow and I dunno, I just...I'm not exactly fun to be around, so I stopped letting people be around me,"

 

[Zerrin Fergusson]

Zerrin stiffened at Gregorys tone, and his jaw clenched. He stood, taking a few breaths and scribbling out a rapid note before holding it back out, annoyance clear on his face. Gregory, shut the hell up with that. We've been friends since before we got here, and sure, I may not have given you my full attention, but you cannot say that I've not been harrassing you to be friends since we got off that damn train. At what point are you going to stop pouring out excuses, stop bashing on yourself, stop letting some dumb girl define your life? At what point do you decide enough is enough and you let anyone in and start living?

 

[Gregory Friend]

Gregory had to wait until Zerrin finished writing to see it. He looked at it and he gave a heavy sigh. It wasn't like Zerrin got it. Zerrin was nice, he had friends, he had siblings, he was nice and he got things. He didn't know what it was like to be bullied. He didn't know how difficult it was to not be hard on himself, when he had so often heard that he was a waste of space. Gregory had never been wanted in his life. His adoptive parents had wanted him, but now he figured it was because they had felt bad for him. "It's hard Zerrin," he said simply. "I wish I could stop, but there's always a voice in my head that says I'm stupid, that I'm not worthy of friends," he said softly. "but look, I'm sorry, and I'll try, if you'll let me?"

 

[Zerrin Fergusson]

Zerrin chewed his lip a moment before shifting to hover on the balls of his feet, scribbling out another note in his frustration. He could feel the tears in his eyes and he blinked them back furiously, using a little spellwork to help him write it all out a lot quicker.

Gregory, I understand. I get that things must feel hard. I understand more than you think, I bet. My birth father never gave a damn, he never bothered with me. I spent years, years all alone, my mother working two, sometimes three jobs to exhaustion. Then she met Fraser and Graeme and suddenly it wasn't just us, but the more and more babies they have the more left out I feel. Graeme is a good man but I'm not his son- I'm only half related to most of my siblings, and not to Fraser at all. And look at him- Fraser is SO successful, doing so well, and I can't even get a single friend that I can take home on holidays or get to willingly sit with me at lunch. I wanted to be brothers with the entire dorm and most of the time it feels like I chase after them just as much as I chase after you. You're alone because you choose to be- I'm alone because no matter how hard I try I'm always on the outside. I am beyond frustrated with you, with this school, with my life, but I can't give up. My mom needs me to keep going, I have all these little kids that need me to be a good example. I can't not be okay. God, I wish you would try to be friends- even if only to amuse me. The problem has never been that I don't want to try, or I won't let you. The problem is that you won't let me in. The better question, Gregory, is if YOU are going to let yourself try.

 

[Gregory Friend]

Gregory knew somewhat that they weren't going to get anywhere. He had somewhat chosen his bed with all of this, and starting over would be hard. he couldn't get his friends, or what was left of his friends to understand the fear of losing them. Couldn't get them to see that after having lost so many others, of friendships breaking down that opening himself up again was hard. Made worse by the fact he was always trying to hide a part of him. He had to wait for Zerrin to finish writing, and then had to read it. He knew accutely what it was like to be unwanted. He had never known his father, his mother had given him up when he was about three, though she had just abandoned him. He had spent time in the group home, until he'd been adopted, and even then, his adoptive older sister, had tried to send him back. Cassius had always been right about him, he was unwanted. "I can try," he said softly. "And you know, I was adopted. I was abandoned when I was like three or four, and it took a couple of years before I was adopted, so I do get this,"