Closed Wishing I had the Courage to be Honest

[Vader Hume]

Vader had been dreading this, he knew that seeing Ava would be hard. He knew that with him still so on edge, with his sleep still sitting so poorly, though he’d managed to grab a few hours more recently, it wasn’t really enough. He’d been actively avoiding his friend, but he knew that one of their last conversations Vader had hurt her. He hadn’t meant to but he could tell he had. He hadn’t been able then to justify it, to tell her why, not without admitting to her, what he now knew for certain. He wanted to tell her, he wanted her to be the first to officially know, but every time he thought about telling her, his hands would instantly clam up, they would shake and he’d hear the old taunts, but eventually he’d have to tell her, eventually he’d have to tell people. He knew it. He knew he couldn’t live like this, he couldn’t live with people not really knowing or being people who were guys. Vader arrived at where they’d arranged to meet for the patrol and just waited. He knew he’d look exhausted, truly drained and barely holding it together, but they had to do this and they had to do this together. ​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava had come to a hard decision that morning, one that she was unsure of the consequences. But with Vader's blatant rejection, Zephyr snapping at her, Philip being an ass, it was just enough that Ava felt very alone. Especially with Vader avoiding her now. She had let him, needing time to think. Ava knew what she wanted to do, and she knew no matter what she needed to tell Vader, but she honestly wasn't sure how the conversation would go.

They had a patrol that night. She got ready, taking a little more time to try and get her thoughts together before heading down to meet him. "Hi," She greeted softly, looking up at him. "Oh, Timmy," She breathed, stepping closer and running her thumbs lightly over the bags under his eyes. "What happened?" She asked, worried, eyes searching his face. He looked so tired.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader was a little surprised by Ava’s reaction, he hadn’t really expected that, he would’ve expected her to be much colder to him, but he couldn’t help but lean into her touch slightly, and sigh a little. His gaze sat on her, he wanted to lie, to tell her everything was fine, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know if he could tell the truth, but those words too seemed stuck. He just didn’t know how to express it, he thought about saying it outright and explaining everything after. He thought about explaining everything, of talking about how her words all that time ago had helped him, but he had been bullied so severely it was difficult. ”I think when we were in second year or maybe third year, I asked you about what it felt like to like someone, do you remember that?” He started, pausing after every other word, aware that his heart beat so hard in his chest, that his hands were shaking that he was so terrified of being rejected by her. ​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava raised a brow at Vaders words. "Something like that," she took his hands in hers, running her thumbs over his skin. "Timmy... I'm not going to be upset." She murmured softly, brushing his hair back. "It's you and me, always. You're forgetting that I know you. And I think I know what you want to say. Its okay, big brother. Breathe. Relax. I'm not going anywhere," she reassured him, running her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. "Talk to me, Timmy. What's going on?"

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader was pleased she remembered the conversation, and he felt his breath come out shortly, his hands shook but he knew that he needed to push forward, ”You said then that it felt like butterflies in your stomach, that you just knew,” he paused, ”I had hoped then I might feel it with you, but you’ve always just felt like home” he explained and paused for a moment, ”I never felt anything for Pho or Isabelle, but I’ve felt it with...” it was now to say that he liked Goku, to tell her that he was gay, he knew that she was likely to accept him, that she had probably figured it out. She knew him better than he knew anyone else. He took three deep breaths, letting his mind try to settle, but it didn’t. He could hear the voices of those old taunts, he could feel like they were close watching him. Waiting to strike. He wrapped his arms around himself. He had to tell her, he was so tired of hiding, so tired of being afraid of people knowing. He knew that speaking to someone would help. Vader let out a little breath, tensed his whole body and very quietly whispered. ”I’m gay,”​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava smiled. "I know." She replied softly, pulling him down into a hug. "And I know it's Goku. I like him, he's sweet." She ran her fingers through Vaders hair, softly humming her mother's lullaby to try and calm him. She kept him close, swaying softly. Deciding that maybe he needed a laugh, Ava decided on something. "Pssst, Timmy," she whispered in his ear to get his attention.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader fell into the hug that she gave him, he couldn’t help the massive relief that washed over him, the way she just seemed to know, that she liked who he liked. He wrapped his arms around her and clutched her so close, wanting nothing more than to keep holding her close. He could feel his heart still hammer away but his hands weren’t shaking as badly, he felt the relief in every edge of his body. Nothing had changed between them, she was still being herself. He had always wanted it to go well with Ava, but the fear of what had been done to him before, of the taunts had just been so present that part of him had believed that Ava would reject him. He let go slightly, ”What?” he said, letting his hands release her slightly so that he could look at her better and listen to whatever she had to say to him. ​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava grinned impishly, and before he could stop her she leaned in and licked his face quickly, falling back and out of reach just as fast. "I taste the rainbow!" She giggled, looping her arm through his. It was ard remembering she was upset with him when they were together, but she decided it hadn't been worth being upset about anyway. "So, do you feel better now?" She asked him.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader was a little surprised when she licked his face and was a little surprised when she licked his face but what she said following it made him laugh, he found himself smiling. He knew his hands were still shaking and he still felt a little on edge but the relief was so much greater. It had been this thing inside of him that had been growing, something he had tried to ignore, something he’d actively thought he could push away. But it had just grown and it had just become an unavoidable part of him, and the inability to admit it and be honest had been weighing on him. He nodded a little, ”I messed up a bit though, with Goku,” he admitted shyly looking away from her, blushing at the cheeks, the words felt foreign as he said them. Throughout the time they’d known each other Vader had always been vague about his relationships, never particularly admitting that there were problems, but he wanted to talk about them, though he knew he would also need to talk to Goku soon, and at the very least apologise to him.​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava gently pulled Vader along with her, keeping her arm intertwined with his. "Well, what happened?" She asked. "Can you fix it?" She asked, running her thumb lightly over his skin. She was going to miss him next year. When should she tell him? Not yet. No, he needed to talk more first.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader sighed a little, telling her about being gay and that he’d messed up were one thing but perhaps talking about how he had messed up was maybe another thing, something he wasn’t so sure that he could do. He took a little breath and nodded, ”Goku’s been helping me learn how to fight,” he didn’t explain why, figuring that Ava if she’d figured it out about his love life, then she would have to know about his struggles with bullies, ”I kissed him and then I freaked out and I left the room,” he said. He kept his gaze away from him, trying his best to not look towards her, she was going to tell him what he feared that he’d ruined his first chance. ​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava listened intently as Vader explained what happened. "Oh, Vader..." She squeezed his arm. "Is that what made you finally admit you were gay?" She asked softly. "No wonder you panicked." She bit her lip, thinking about it. "Well, you'll have to talk to him, but Goku really is nice, I'm sure he'll understand." She reassured Vader. She was oddly very pleased that of all the people Vader could have liked, he had chosen Goku. If things went well, she was sure Goku would help Vader next year, while she.... Ava stopped, feeling a crushing guilt. "Vader, I have to tell you something." She spoke past the sudden lump in her throat.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader shrugged a little, it wasn’t what finally made him admit it, but it was the thing which had really brought it forward. ”I guess it made it real,” the teen replied, he had known for a while and he had wanted to ignore it, but kissing him had made it very real. It had made it so real he knew he couldn’t go back to the lies or anything of the sort. He knew too that it was time for him to reach out to Goku and apologize to him. He looked at her as she said that there was something she needed to tell him. ”Yeah?” the boy asked. ​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava held tighter to Vader's arm, not looking at him as she struggled for words. "I... I don't think I'll be at school next year." She managed softly. "I've... talked to my dad. And I'm probably going to be homeschooled. I'll be back for seventh year, I swear, it's just..." She sighed, burrowing closer against him. "I don't know my dad, Timmy, he left when I was a baby and he came back just before I came to school here. He's never been in my life for longer than a few months at a time. And with us getting an apartment after graduation, I... I don't want to spend my entire life just dancing around and fitting a stranger into my schedule." She tried to explain, finally daring to glance up at him.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader felt her grip tighten on his arm, and he was for a moment quite worried about what she was about to say, and he certainly wasn’t prepared for it. He couldn’t imagine being at school without her, couldn’t imagine her not sitting in the accio room helping him out with things. He knew he relied on her a lot, and he knew he needed to rely on her less, but it was difficult. He couldn’t help also think that perhaps his actions had helped caused this, if he had been a better friend to her, then she wouldn’t have such a tricky year. He couldn’t understand what she meant with regards to her father, but perhaps it was almost like his own desire to know himself. He frowned, unable to help himself, sadness crossed his features as he thought of life at school without her. He sighed at her but he let a small smile cross his features, ”I’ll miss you Helene, and you’ll need to write to me every day, okay?”​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava's lip quivered and she turned, standing on tiptoe and pulling him into a hug. "Just once?" She teased. "I'll write you notes all day. And send you lunches so you don't forget to eat," She held him a little tighter. "You won't forget me, will you?" She asked quietly, still a little afraid that no one really needed her the way she needed them. She felt so relieved that he had finally come out and told her the truth, but she worried still that his keeping it from her for so long was because he didn't trust her, because she didn't mean as much to him as he did to her. Hell, she couldn't even keep her leaving school from him for a full day. And he had kept this from her for... four? five years now. She bit her lip, doubting everything about herself and her worth as she clung to the one person that mattered most to her.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader was pleased when she pulled him into a hug, he was pretty concerned with everything else that this was her really telling him their friendship was over, so she’d found out the one thing he’d been holding on to but it didn’t take away how she had felt about everything else, how she had felt about what he’d said before the valentines dance. He couldn’t take most of that back. The gryffindor nodded, he knew he’d end up getting a whole lot of letters in the next semester and it would take him time to read them and reply, but for Ava he would do it. ”How could I forget you,” he asked her, pulling away a little, ”You do so much for me, you help me with so much, you are the one person I’ll always love no matter what. I’ll miss you so much,” He told her, wanting to assure her that he wouldn’t think anything less of her, or that he would forget her. ​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava couldn't help but relax a little when he reassured her, taking his hand and cuddling into his side, trying to pull him along so they could walk their route. "So," She asked, "Does this mean we can talk about boys?" She asked, curiosity piqued. "Do you wanna tell me about Goku? Or maybe..." She chattered, biting her lip, "Do you think maybe you can sleep better now? Have you always been like this or did you just realize with Goku? Is it why things didn't work with Isabelle and Pho? It would explain why we never worked," She mused, glancing up to him. "Were you bullied before? Nobody will bully you here, not for that anyway." She grinned, biting her lip to stem her questions.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader walked along side her, feeling his body relax a little and the exhaustion begin to grow. He looked at her, ”We can talk about boys,” the words came out slowly, and there was a visible nervous tone, he wasn’t sure he’d be much good company in talking about boys and to him it still felt a little odd, but he could try..He wasn’t too surprised when she had a number of questions that followed, he could imagine that she’d probably figured out a number of things. It was the last one that he decided to start with. He sighed heavily, ”The kids at my old school were particularly fond of a few choice insults to do with being you know,” he motioned vaguely to himself, his hands were lightly shaking as he spoke the memories still strong. He sighed a little, ”But realising half way through here that I maybe was, is terrifying. Like you're okay with it, but you know I’ve not had the easiest time here either, and what if it got worse again? I couldn’t live like that again,” Vader stopped a little and just looked at Ava, he hoped she could understand that it wasn’t because he hadn’t trusted her but that he hadn’t trusted himself. ”It was easier to ignore it, push it away, pretend I wasn’t until now. ” Vader admitted with a shrug, feeling his cheeks redden slightly, ”I couldn’t even be honest with myself until now about it, but I can’t pretend or hide anymore,”​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava could feel her heart breaking a little as he spoke, turning again and brushing his hair from his eyes. "Vader," She started softly, "There will always be people that will be against you." She ran her fingers down his face, cupping his cheek in her hand. "You can't live your life afraid of the people that want to hurt you. As long as you do, they'll control you." She moved her other hand to take his in hers, intertwining their fingers. "You can't let them matter. You've learned to fight. You can defend yourself. Focus on the people around you that love you. You have me, and your sisters, and I'm sure you'll work things out with Goku," She brushed her thumb lightly over his skin. "We're going to build a life for us. You and me, always. We get to choose the people that matter to us." She smiled lovingly up at him, adoration in her eyes. "Do you get what I'm trying to say?"

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader nodded as she spoke, he knew that she was right about it. He knew that it was a little easier to say than to do. He knew that his mind worked against him. He knew that he reacted poorly to things that were like things had been before school. He knew habits were difficult to break. He had been learning to defend himself, at least physically and he knew that while he’d never duel that he could probably defend himself with magic, but it was difficult to just let go of all those old feelings that he had. All of the feelings that were held deep in his mind. He knew he had good people around him and it was their continued support that he was slowly getting to where he needed to be. He nodded, ”I do Ava, but it is hard,” he told her, he knew that she was telling the truth, that she was right, she’d always been the wiser of them, but he knew it would take a while to get to the point she wanted him to be at. He knew that it would be helped by having those good people around him, but without Ava, Vader knew he’d struggle in the next year. But he’d manage, because he was in a good position. ”Thanks for always being so good to me Ava,” Vader told her, sincere in his words.​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava smiled warmly, lacing her arm through his. "I know, but it will get easier. Just give it some time." She reassured him. "We have forever to work on it," She laid her head on his shoulder. She giggled, trying to pull him along. "You're my best friend, Vader. You know I'll always be here for you," Her smile faltered a little. "Well... until I stay home next year." She sighed. "I know it's the right thing to do for my dad and me," She held onto his arm. "But merlin, I'm going to really miss you," She pouted.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader knew she was right, there was scarcely an occasion when Ava wasn’t right in Vader’s mind. She was the ravenclaw of their pair and he always appreciated how she was, how clear she was with him. He let her pull him along. He smiled a little as she said she’d always be there for him, ”You’ll still be there for me, from afar,” he told her, he didn’t want her to feel bad for leaving him. He knew it would be hard without her physically there, but he would miss her, and she would still be there to chat whenever she could be. ”I’m going to miss you too, but if it’s right for you, then we’ll manage just fine,” the boy told her, trying to reassure her, making sure she knew that he trusted her to make this choice for herself, support her in it and still miss her dearly. He definitely didn’t want to give the impression that he didn’t love her or that he wanted her gone. ​