Closed Winter Shrouds

[Celestyn Helkovaara]

Celestyn had been surprised with how easy it had been to spend time with Cassi, admittedly the first time round it had been more of a fling than them dating, but he almost wished they'd done it different. She was interesting, she was bold and he could see all of the parts that Charlie had inherited without even having met Cassi, he had realised some weeks before this occasion that he liked her, but he knew that he had to be careful, it wouldn't be good to fall for her if Charlie then rejected her at all turns, after all, he needed to put charlie before himself, and before his love life, especially if his love life was his distant mother. But in the months since she'd come to his flat they had slowly met up more and more, first with friends and then along, and always with slowly increasing frequency where if possible he was seeing her once a week. But he'd made the trip to hers, and was regretted it slightly, Alaska was a much colder place than New York even more so now as winter creeped up on them. He was wrapped up as well as he could be but still not enough. The cold was seeping through the gaps with his jacket. He had apparated to where she'd told him and then made the short distance to her place. He was knocking on the door, shivering lightly waiting to be let in. ​

 

[Cassielle Bonetti]

Cassi was irritated with herself. She wasn't the type to settle. She had been avoiding this all her life. Her parents had always fought, but stayed together to keep up appearances. She had hated it. Her sister had taken after them, marrying a handsome man to keep up appearances. Cassi had been forced to take in Lucas and in turn Einar because of it. It annoyed her to no end. Why was it that everyone around her always tied themselves to lives like that? For what? Fancy homes and elegant family photos?

Cassi had found her purpose in life. Or at least, she thought she had. She was a fighter. She had always been a fighter. Since her first love had broken her heart, Cassi had built her life on her strength. She was renowned for her skill in martial arts. She was an expert in several forms of hand to hand combat, in dueling, she had even dabbled in sword play. She was a warrior. She depended on it.

As she waited for Celestyn that day, she wondered why she had started to want more. She sighed softly. Whatever silly notions had crawled into her head, she knew it was best to stop them now. She had just put on a pot of coffee when she heard the knock at the door.

She ignored how her heart skipped and flicked her hand to open the door. "Hurry up, you'll let all the warmth out," She called absently, pulling out the whiskey. "Do you want an Irish coffee or just some sugar?" She asked, not bothering to see if he was in yet.

 

[Celestyn Helkovaara]

Celestyn immediately walked in the door and closed it firmly behind him. He could feel himself shaking lightly as the warmth of the house battled against the cold he had just come from, that he still felt. He took off his jacket and his gloves and his hat placing them all by the door. "Irish coffee, it's necessary after the cold out there," Celestyn said with a keen tone. "Shoes on or off?" he asked, he wasn't sure if she had a preference but he didn't want to walk around her place with dirty shoes on if she didn't want that.​

 

[Cassielle Bonetti]

Cassi chuckled, moving to start prepping them both a cup. "Off. Snow melts and makes my carpets wet," she told him. She moved over to the island, settling down with one cup and pushing the other to the open seat across from her. "The cold has its benefits, you know," she told him. "There's a certain charm in wrapping up in a blanket in front of a fire with snow falling outside," she smirked, passing over the other activities she usually took to to try and keep warm. Well... used to. She hadn't had any flings since she'd started talking to Celestyn again, and she tried to convince herself that was simply because she was busy and emotionally drained trying to figure out how to handle Charlie.

 

[Celestyn Helkovaara]

Celestyn gave a little nod and then toed off his shoes. He moved into the kitchen where a cup was waiting for him and immediately put his fingers around it to gain a little warmth. He looked up at her with a skeptical look, "Yeah, but this is....extreme cold, definitely not as charming as when it gets cold in New York," he gave a little laugh as he said it. This was an entirely different area of the country, one he had been to before but it had been a while. "So this kid your nephew likes wants to leave all the way out here...by choice?" he said lightly, as he took a little sip of his coffee.​

 

[Cassielle Bonetti]

Cassi chuckled, sipping her coffee. "New York also doesn't have the scenery," she teased lightly. She nodded at Celestyn's question. "Yes. They're dating now I think. Einar was born here. He won't be going anywhere anytime soon, and Lucas really will just go wherever Einar does. I think Einar is the closest thing to family Lucas has had." She grimaced as she said it, shaking her head. "I'm not too great of an aunt, either. My work leaves me pretty... distant."

She sighed, looking down and running her finger over the rim of her drink. "I've thought of retiring a few times, if I'm being honest. Maybe starting up a little school or something. I just... haven't." She shrugged, looking up again and giving Celestyn a half smile. "I wouldn't know where to go. Never really having a home has made it hard to put down roots anywhere." She shrugged like it was no big deal.

 

[Celestyn Helkovaara]

Celestyn gave a little shrug, as if to concede the point, though he thought New York had it's own scenery, but truly likely not like one could get here. He nodded as Cassi explained it. From what he'd understood, the boy, Einar was the reason she'd saught him out after learning about his experiences. He couldn't help but wondered why someone would want to stay where things had never been good. He hadn't hesitated to leave Finland when he was seventeen, and though he'd gone to his mother and that hadn't exactly been good either, he had also left there. "There's always a chance to do better, I'm sure Lucas thinks you're a good aunt for giving him this place and helping his boyfriend," he tried to assure her, but he couldn't. He looked at his cup as she spoke. "New York is now my home, but it wasn't when I moved. I literally just needed to be as far away from my mother as possible and going back to Finland....." he paused for a moment never finishing the thought, "It just became my home because I got a place and always came back to it, then Charlie came along and it was just home," He didn't want to make Cassi feel bad but assure her in part that he didn't concious opt to settle down and have a home, it just became it. ​

 

[Cassielle Bonetti]

Cassi was surprised with what Celestyn said, smiling as he spoke. She nodded at his words. "I understand getting away. I avoid going back to Italy for the same reason," she told him, sipping her coffee. She was quiet a moment, thinking over what he said. "Can I ask about your mother?" She brushed her hair back. Deciding that maybe she needed to open up if she expected him to, she continued on before he could reply. "My mother and father didn't marry for love. He wanted a trophy wife and she wanted his money." She explained, looking into her coffee as she spoke.

"My sister and I were usually just supposed to look good. There were expectations. Everything was about appearance." She shook her head. "Growing up, there was a boy down the street. We were close, but when letters came for school, he didn't get one. He was a squib. He was so mad at the world," she rolled her eyes. "He was my first love. I tried to patch things up for years, spending my time at school by myself and training on my own in martial arts. At my sixteenth birthday party, I caught him upstairs with another girl."

She sipped her coffee. "When I graduated, I had no friends, no connections, and the pressure from my parents just became too much. I took off, started working through competitions." She smiled softly, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. "I've been on the move ever since. I used to talk to my sister sometimes, but no one... nothing has ever really made me stay anywhere for long," she told him. "It's always just been... me. That's why I was so afraid to keep Charlie as a baby. I just had no support and no idea how to care for a baby."

 

[Celestyn Helkovaara]

Celestyn shrugged a little at the question, staring more intently at his mug. He listened as she spoke about things about the betrayal of her clearly first love, of her desire to keep travelling. He had never had the same feeling as she had, he'd moved around a bit, but he'd also stayed in the same places for longer periods that she had likely in his own wanderings. Too that at a certain point he had stopped, for Charlie. "You weren't ready for Charlie, there's nothing wrong with that," he assured her. "I was, so it just made sense," he said. But the thought of his own family lingered in his head. He owed her a little of the story and admittedly, it had been years since he'd told it to anyone "My father....he was a good man, but he was also deeply troubled and difficult at times to be around. He wasn't violent or anything, just not always the easiest to get along with. I'm not sure what happened, but something did when I was like six and he wasn't working any more, stopped using magic," Celestyn paused, he took a long sip of his coffee.

"My mother worked a lot, she wasn't home often and then one day when I was like nine or ten, she left. Packed a suitcase and left. She didn't even offer for me to go with her," Celestyn held bitterness in his words for it. "I looked after my dad, stayed at home with him, half went to muggle school, studied magic at home. it was lonely, but he was my dad, I couldn't leave. My dad died when I was a few weeks shy of seventeen. They found my mother and of course she came running even though I hadn't spoken to her in years. She took me to New Zealand, when I could've just stayed in Finland, she did try, i'll give her some credit. But I was, had been basically an adult for years, I didn't need looked after." Celestyn looked up from his mug and gave a little shrug. "it didn't help that she had remarried, had a whole new family, and I was the older kid from the previous marrage. Things just got worse between us, and I left," Celestyn finished. "Only really got back in touch with her recently as a base for when I pick Charlie up from school. We spend most of the time arguing. She just....has a way of saying the thing that cuts deepest without even realising her own words,"

Celestyn sighed slightly. "She still sees me a sad sixteen year old kid who doesn't know whats best for him...but I'm 43, I'm a parent.... I'm a good dad," the last part of sentence was said with a frustration he didn't know he felt. He frowned and gave a half apologetic chuckle, "Sorry, I didn't mean to unload,"​

 

[Cassielle Bonetti]

Cassi listened to Celestyn, running her fingers lightly over her own mug. She waited patiently, taking in his story. As he apologized, she sipped her drink before reaching over to place her hand over his. She kept careful watch of his reaction, ready to pull her hand back if she needed to. "You, sir, are three years older than me." She gave him a wry smile, unsure if he would appreciate her effort to lighten the mood. "Seriously, though, Celestyn. You're a good man, and a good father. Charlie is a great kid. Not because of me, or your mother. You stepped up when I couldn't, and you've given him a good life. And if she can't see that you're an amazing person, well, she's just ridiculous,"

She nodded, pulling her hand back to sip her coffee. "You know, if you wanted... perhaps, you could meet Lucas? I'm not sure if Einar would be comfortable meeting anyone, but Lucas knows of Charlie. He knows I had a son. I think it could be part of why he never told me how bad his home life was." She winced. "But maybe, if nothing else, Charlie might like to meet his cousin someday?" She offered.

 

[Celestyn Helkovaara]

Celestyn felt some relief from having talked about it a little, but he didn't want her to feel made about any of it. He understood more than ever why she hadn't wanted to keep Charlie and understood why he had. It just made sense and it had worked out. But he didn't want to make her feel bad by complaining about how badly he parented. Celestyn nodded at her words. He knew he was a good father, better than his own, his mother just hadn't ever really gotten over him and his rejection. He gave a little smile. "Maybe it would be best if you met Charlie first....before I bring myself into Lucas' life. I can talk to Charlie once he's back and have a talk with him, see if he'd like to meet you," Celestyn offered. He knew Charlie would find it odd that he was off somewhere, meeting people and not telling him who or where. So, it would be best to just sit him down and chat. ​

 

[Cassielle Bonetti]

Cassi blushed as Celestyn said he'd talk to Charlie. She looked down, her heart sinking just a little. She still didn't think anyone would want to meet her. Hell, half of the time she was surprised Celestyn even agreed to meet up. She knew that he was only here because she was Charlie's birth mother. She stood, taking her half empty cup to the sink. She set it down, looking out at the snow a moment before turning back to Celestyn with a carefully controlled smile. "I'm hungry. There's a good Chinese place that delivers. I can call in?" She offered, pulling out her cell phone.

 

[Celestyn Helkovaara]

Celestyn was unsurprised by Cassi's reaction, but he knew it would have to happen. "If we're gonna be friends..or...," he trailed off before he could finish that thought outloud. "I'm going to need to tell Charlie, he'd going to possible want to meet you and worse Cassi, if he decides he doesn't want you around....we....," Celestyn was sure she didn't want to talk about this. "I really like connecting with you, honestly, haven't had this easy a time with someone ever, but even if you weren't Charlie's mother, if he deicded he didn't like who I was dating, I have to pick him," Celestyn didn't want Cassi to feel worse, but wanted to be clear his position would be unchanged regardless of who she was to his son. He always felt a little like he was showing his hand with how he felt, but he couldn't beat around the bush as much as others.​

 

[Cassielle Bonetti]

Cassi felt herself shutting off more the more Celestyn spoke. While she had been unsuccessful in locking away the feelings that had been slowly trying to push through her defenses, Celestyn had just done a very, very good job of killing every trace of fondness she'd been trying to fight. They hadn't so much as looked at each other in any kind of way and he'd already rejected her. Of course. Why wouldn't he? She sighed in aggravation. "We're barely even friends, Celestyn," She snapped. "I don't need your pity, you can just shove that fake sweetness right up your-" Cassi stopped herself, growling. "I offered to connect you to Charlie's cousin and asked if you were hungry. Nothing in that was personal."

She summoned her jacket and shrugged it on, glaring as she flipped her dark hair over her shoulder. "Don't bother worrying over nothing, Charlie might want to meet me once and then I'm sure he'll be done with me, story of my f-ing life," she snapped, trudging to the door and throwing it open. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out," She slammed it shut behind her, stalking out into the snow and down the street. She felt humiliated, her cheeks were hot and her eyes were burning as she shoved her hands in her pockets and put her head down against the wind.

She had just barely started to think Celestyn was her friend, and he'd gone out of his way to end any type of relationship they had. She should have known, really, she had been stupid to ever go back in the first place. She made it down to the lake, and settled down on an old stump that was barely sticking out of the snow. She sighed, staring dully out over the snow.

 

[Celestyn Helkovaara]

Celestyn wasn't sure what to make of Cassi's snap at him. He didn't really understand it, to begin with. He had been sure she understood that a lot of this was a little conditional on how Charlie felt about it. He was his top priority not her, nor any other person in his life. His whole life was Charlie. He could somewhat tell as she went on that part of this was born from a fear of Charlie rejecting her and therefore him having to reject her, and he couldn't promise it would be easy or that it wouldn't take time, but she had to be a little dislusional to think that it wouldn't eventually come up. Celestyn need he needed to be clear. He let her stalk out her own house and just sat with the mug of coffee. He was quite used to others having a go at him, to being alone and left with responsibility. He'd been an adult most of his life, before he'd even hit seventeen. But Celestyn didn't move, his feelings for and a desire in part to not just walk out on Cassi kept him in the house. He finished his coffee and then began rummaging around her kitchen until he found enough to make dinner with. At the very least he could make something and then leave if she really still wanted her to go. ​

 

[Cassielle Bonetti]

Cassi was out for a while, and eventually the cooler temperatures outside shifted her anger down to a dull ache. She felt a bit ridiculous for walking out the way she did, but she still held that his words had been uncalled for and harsh. She understood him, of course she did. Charlie mattered the most. She could respect that. But did he really have to remind her that if their son didn't want her then Celestyn wouldn't speak to her anymore, either? And his timing had been terrible, at that, reminding her how unwanted she was literally moments after she'd told him that was how her life had always been.

Cassi sighed, opening the door to her apartment and stepping back in out of the cold. She slid off her coat, tempted to just go to bed, when a pleasant smell drifted out of the kitchen. Confused, she walked in and froze in the doorway. She firmly pushed down the little flutter her heart gave seeing Celestyn standing there. "Why are you still here?" she asked, most of the fire gone from her voice. It hadn't occurred to her at any point that the man would have stayed after she kicked him out.

 

[Celestyn Helkovaara]

Celestyn found his rhythm in making dinner. It was something he'd been doing most nights for so long that it was second nature to him. He could easily mind all the pots and pans, mind the area around him and keep everything tidy. The man wasn't sure if Cassi would come back, but he had to imagine the cold would eventually bring her back and it did. Eventually she came back and he glanced at her. "I'm making dinner," he said, pointing to what he was cooking. He wanted to bring up what he'd said, but felt the time to do it wasn't more. He knew she probably did get that even with her fears and her history that he couldn't suddenly have her be his priority when his son was that. It didn't seem like the right idea to keep pushing about it, so he didn't. "Figured you'd be hungry," ​

 

[Cassielle Bonetti]

Cassi wrapped her arms around herself, shifting nervously on her feet. "You aren't making any sense, Celestyn," she sighed. She took a small step back, more in an effort to protect herself. "You just finished telling me I have no place in your life and now you're acting like you give a damn." She shook her head, taking another small step back to try and get a little distance between them. "What the hell do you want?"

 

[Celestyn Helkovaara]

Celestyn gave a little shake of his head at her words. She was being defensive and worried when he couldn't be that flexible. He had to imagine she could figure out why he'd said such things, why he'd be so firm on wanting to be there and needing to make sure the place she held in his life was supported by his son. "I never said there was no place in my life for you, not in those words, but Cassi....I have to respect Charlie's wishes whatever they might be, he's my top priority.....," Celestyn said with a heavy sigh. "He's a good kid, he won't reject you like you fear he might, especially if we introduce him to you first without the attachment of us," he told her, "I want you, but I don't want you at the expense of losing my relationship with my son, or ditching him for some other life you and I could have outside of him," Celestyn told her. "Please tell me you understand why I'm saying this, why I have to have this line. I'm not trying to be hurtful Cassi, know that, just honest," ​

 

[Cassielle Bonetti]

Cassi was squirming more the more Celestyn spoke. She kept her arms tighter around herself, turning a bit and leaning against the wall. "What- no, I get it, Celestyn, the way you are with Charlie- it- I-" she let out a heavy sigh, refusing to say that it was one of the things she had started to adore about the man. "I just- I don't know why you're being so heavy," she grimaced. "We've met up for lunch a few times. We haven't slept together or looked at each other or even mentioned anything." She grimaced, closing more into herself.

"I'm barely okay thinking we might be friends and you're going off on serious nonsense like we're getting married or something," she grumbled, scuffing her toe against the carpet and staring intently at the movement. "I mean, merlin, I'd have an easier time if you just kissed me or something, and you're just going on out of the blue about your son being first- I'm not important enough for that kind of conversation," she grumbled, letting her hair fall forward to shield her face a bit.

 

[Celestyn Helkovaara]

Celestyn gave a little sigh and almost laughed at her suggestion that he just kiss her. He couldn't let himself fall more with a kiss. "Cassi, I really like you...I guess I'm being heavy or serious because if I'd like to date you properly, and I have to wait until Charlie's okay with you before I do," he said. "You mean something to me, and you're the mother of my son, which are two different elements I need to juggle. So I like you, I'd like to kiss you, but I can't until I'm sure Charlie's happy and until I'm sure you won't walk out. I can't bring you into Charlie's life and then mess up and you then leave again. it doesn't matter how good a father I am, that would hard on a kid, even more given who you actually are to him.," he stopped himself, he was rambling going round in circles, trying to express his position and not downplay how he felt, while still trying to be guarded about it. "If dating me, is too much, but you still wanna met Charlie, that's okay," ​

 

[Cassielle Bonetti]

Cassi shifted uncomfortably, keeping her arms crossed and scuffing her toe against the carpet. "It's ironic, isn't it?" She asked, peeking up at him through her hair. "Your idea of taking it easy is trying to talk through the serious stuff and mine is just shut up and get in bed," She smirked a bit, looking away and hugging herself tighter. "Ugh, what- whatever, I-" Cassi bit her lip and shifted her weight again, making a point not to look at him.

"Just- you- ugh," she groaned, shutting her eyes and pushing it all out, her entire body tense. "I'm sorry I snapped at you, okay? I just- I want to think you're different, and I like you, but just admitting I like you is hard for me. I have never in my life had a meaningful conversation with anyone that wasn't a child, I've never- I've always been alone, okay? It's just me. When I get lonely I bat my eyes and find a guy for a weekend and then go on my way, and no one has ever bothered trying to keep me and that was fine. I crave intimacy but I have no idea what to do with it, but it would still be a lot easier to just kiss you and stop thinking and get you back in bed than it is for me to talk about things, but where I'm physical you're emotional and I have no idea how to handle that. You've had a decade to be emotionally available and responsible with Charlie so I get that's how you deal, I just- I panicked, probably the way you would if I kissed you right now." Cassi was tense, gripping her shirt so tightly her knuckles had gone white. Her eyes were shut, and she was struggling to breath. Why was this so hard?

 

[Celestyn Helkovaara]

Celestyn listened to her words, knowing how true and difficult it likely was for her to say. It wasn't easy to admit that something was hard like that, to admit what and why. He almost found it funny that she said he was emotionally available, when he had always seen himself as just not that. He let silence envelope them. "I like you Cassi, I want to do this right between us," he told her. "I'm sorry I upset you," he added with a genuine tone of apology. "Why don't we just hang out, have dinner and see what tomorrow brings?" he couldn't offer anything else, they wouldn't in his mind be able to more forward until Charlie knew so this arguing now, was perhaps putting a lot on the line for them both but in Celestyn's mind at least they both now knew where the other stood. ​

 

[Cassielle Bonetti]

Cassi still felt insanely vulnerable. She shook her head as he tried to brush it all off. Straightening, she walked over. "Not yet." She put a hand on the counter and looked up at him. "I'm trying here. I know this whole thing depends on Charlie. But a bunch of pretty words isn't going to cut it for me." She studied his face. "I'm trying to speak your language. I'm talking. Can't you give me... I don't know, something?" She asked. "I need to know you're in this, too. I'm used to pretty words that don't mean a thing." She bit her lip. She wasn't sure what she even wanted from him, but she couldn't shake the feeling that she was the only one out on the line right now.

 

[Celestyn Helkovaara]

Celestyn had expected Cassi to go along with him pushing passed it but it seemed not. He looked at her and gave a little sigh. He wasn't sure, he didn't know how to show her something. He kept his gaze on her, he knew as he looked that given all she'd just said that she was looking for something physical. He wanted to kiss her, but he couldn't. It would only make this harder for him..for them...surely. He reached out and went to take her hand. Went to intwine his fingers in hers and just show it that way. "If I kissed you, I wouldn't want to stop," he tried to explain, if this went wrong, or he didn't handle this well, he could lose her and his son. ​