Closed Vicarious

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan sighed deeply. "I was. I'm sorry." He said, realizing he had said he wanted to say sorry, but he hadn't actually yet. "Can I come in?" He asked quietly.

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian nodded, scooting his piano seat back slightly to make way for Tristan to sit in the small corner seat he'd brought in for when Tristan or Mason wanted to listen to him play.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan moved into the room, scooting past Vivian to sit down in the corner seat. He sighed, resting his elbows on his legs and putting his face in his hands. "I was shocked by what you said. I got scared- felt attacked." He said softly, dropping his hands away from his face. "I don't want him to feel like my love is conditional, like he has to do things a certain way for me to love him. But I also don't want to stop helping him like that, I think it's important." He said softly. "I want him to be prepared at Hogwarts, not to feel as lost and scared as I did." He admitted, lowering his eyes a bit. "But it is possible it was a bit too much."

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian felt his nerves unwinding little by little as he watched Tristan so deflated, the tea's warmth spreading from his hands and settling him slightly. "I never said you should stop helping him." He said slowly. "I just wanted you to be aware of how he's feeling, so you can adjust."

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan sighed deeply, intertwining his fingers as he thought. "Yes, well. I don't know what to do- how to adjust." He said honestly. "I can't help it- I'm hurt he feels that way. I know it's stupid, and I know it's my job to make him feel better, but I hate it." He admitted. "I just don't know how to let him know, how to make him feel it differently." He sighed, slumping back in the seat a bit. "You're such a natural with him, Vivian. If I didn't know better I'd think he's your kid." He winced at how that came out. "Not that he isn't also your kid- I meant genetically."

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian sighed softly, taking a swig of tea to center himself for a moment. "I've just got more practice." He said gently, thinking for a moment of when his sisters had been this age - how similar and how different they had been to Mason. "But there's not... an easy answer or a magic button. Just keep it in mind and pay attention to how he reacts to you in different situations. Make sure you tell him you're proud of him at other times. You just... take the information in and move forward with it."

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan let out a huff of air in annoyance. "So marching upstairs, shaking him awake and telling him I love him no matter what fifty times in a row isn't going to work?" He joked with a grimace. "Because that's kind of what I want to do right now." He reached over to touch Vivian's hand. "Thanks, for being patient with me." He added sincerely. "Being a dad is- it's terrifying, who knew?"

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

A small snort of laughter made its way out as Vivian felt his nerves continue to unknot, finally taking a sip of his tea. "I mean, I'm sure it would have an effect, maybe just not the one you're going for." He joked. It would be easy to relax into this line of questioning, so easy - to take Tristan's hand and pretend everything was the same as it was this morning. But Vivian had changed - he had changed, and he wasn't going to let go of that progress he had worked for. "I- we need to talk about how you talked to me out there." He said slowly, pulling away from Tristan's hand. "I... the one thing that was most important to me in.. in all of this was that I was never going to feel like that again. Like... like I'm there to take your problems out on, or like you know better than me about something I experienced. That was... that was bad. That was a big problem."

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan tensed as Vivian's tone changed and he pulled away from him. He watched him closely as he spoke, feeling his heart sink a little. "I didn't mean to make you feel that way." He said quietly. "I never want to take my problems out of you. I got scared and defensive and I said things I shouldn't have. I'm really sorry, Vivian." He said, wondering if he had broken something with his anger. "The next time I feel that way I'll- I'll say I need a moment, you don't deserve how I spoke to you."

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian stayed quiet and still as Tristan spoke, trying to focus on the present moment. The man in front of him wasn't the boy who had hurt him so deeply so long ago, but he wasn't not that boy either, not entirely. It was so easy to forget it all in the comfort and ease of the life they had shared over the last five years, but those first five years were still there, sealed deep in the foundations of the nice life they had built together. It had been too easy to forget, and too painful to remember. But Vivian could see the sincerity and understanding in the man in front of him; feelings the boy who had hurt him never could have conjured, and he used them as an anchor to pull him out of the well of memories he was lost in. "Thank you." He said quietly, giving Tristan a small nod. "Just- yeah. That was bad."

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan nodded slowly, searching Vivian's face. He wanted to move closer and hug or kiss him, but Vivian had pulled away earlier and Tristan figured he needed to give him a moment. He sighed softly. "Thank you for telling me." He said softly.