Closed Trust

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily was a little unsure about being here. Was this really a good idea? She bit her lip as she stepped up to the door of Clifton's apartment. She knew he was staying with a few muggles, so she took a moment to make sure her wand was carefully tucked away out of sight. She let out a slow breath before raising her hand to knock. After talking to Lars, Lily had just felt really... horribly lonely, but she didn't want to approach either Lars or Elliot with her feelings. At a loss for what to do, but knowing she needed to do something, she had eventually decided to come see Clifton. If they were supposed to be working things out, she should be able to turn to him when she was feeling upset, right?

She smiled shyly at the man that answered the door, asking for Clifton and tucking her hair behind her ear. The man motioned her inside and pointed towards Clifton's room, saying he was inside. She thanked him and walked away. She was a bit nervous, really. Clifton had wanted her to be alright on her own, and she was... mostly. Would this help her, or just hurt her more? She bit her lip, raising her hand and knocking gently on his bedroom door. There was only one way to find out.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Though he was learning plenty on the job, Clifton had more and more been taking it upon himself to study baking in his free time. Not just practice but seek out new information, trying to expand his base of knowledge beyond his comfort zone. So he was deeply absorbed in a book when there was a knock on his door, peeking over it vaguely. He had been sprawled out on his bed in boxers and a t-shirt since he got home, but his flatmates all tended to exist in the same level of casual dress at home, so he didn't bother to neaten up at all before calling out, "Come in!", assuming it was likely one of the others asking him to do the dishes or some other chore he had forgotten was his this week.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily bit her lip, hesitating a brief moment before opening the door. "Clif?" She spoke softly, though she froze as she saw him laying on the bed with no pants. Her eyes widened, her cheeks flushed a deep crimson, and she stepped back again, slowly shutting the door behind her. She stood there, hand on the door handle, not saying a word, staring at the wood of the door with wide blue eyes. She made a mental note not to just go into his room anymore. She knew they were technically an item, sort of, but she hadn't been prepared to catch him in his underwear. She waited, a bit frozen in place and unsure what to do now.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clfiton's heart rate went from 0 to 100 at the sound of the voice at his door, leaping and scrambling to cover his boxers. "Sorry - hold on!" He yelped, rushing to pull on a pair of jeans he had discarded on the floor when he got home. Once he was sure they were on securely he crossed to the door, face still warm as he opened it. "Sorry, I just, uh, you know, pyjamas." He laughed awkwardly, opening the door wider. "Um, come in... what's going on?" He asked hesitantly. "I mean - why are you here?"

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily let out a slow breath as Clifton opened the door again, folding her hands in front of her and taking a few small steps into the room. She didn't quite look up at him, fiddling idly with her fingers and letting her hair fall to cover her face. It provided just a little bit of a shield between them. "I... I don't know," she spoke softly, fidgeting nervously. "I..." she hesitated, letting out a slow breath. "I'm... not okay," she managed gently. "I'm... not sure why I'm here," She kept fidgeting with her fingers. "I... I d-don't, um don't... I'm trying to be honest, b-b-but, er, but um, but I don't... want you to be upset with me," She stuttered, trying to reach up and subtly brush back the tears that were threatening to spill over.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton closed the door behind Lily, still burning with embarrassment at how she had seen him. It took him a moment to realise her flusterment wasn't just about that. "Hey, it's okay." Clifton said softly, rubbing her arm and guiding her gently to sit with him at the foot of the bed. "I'm not upset, you can tell me what's wrong." He said gently, scrambling in his mind to figure out what was going on. He didn't think he had done anything to upset Lily recently, but he didn't fully trust himself not to have been a complete idiot without even realising it.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily let Clifton lead her, sitting with him on the edge of his bed. She tried to calm herself down, taking a few deep breaths and trying again to wipe at the stubborn tears without him catching on. "I... I know you want me to be okay by myself." She twisted her hands in her lap, chewing on her lip. "I- I'm trying, really, I am," she rushed to reassure him, peeking up at him before looking away again. "I just... it's just so hard,"

She swallowed nervously, "This isn't about dating. I know how silly I must sound- I feel so silly, really, but I just- I've never been alone in all my life. I grew up in a loud, loving, crazy home, and then we went to school, and you remember how busy it always was." Lily sighed, her shoulders slumping. "I love Elliot and Alice. It's just- they're both always so busy. I've never been this alone in all my life. I hate it," she swiped at her eyes, shrinking into herself.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton rubbed Lily's back gently as she tried to collect her thoughts, hoping it was the right thing to do. He could feel the shudder of her breathing under his hand, and Clifton realised abruptly it was the closest he had been to Lily since their breakup. He did his best to put that thought out of his mind and focus on what she was saying, nodding sympathetically. He couldn't imagine what it was like growing up in a big home, having always been by himself as a child, but he could tell Lily was hurting for it. "I'm sorry..." He said softly. "That... must be really difficult. I can... completely understand feeling lonely in... in those circumstances." He hesitated, trying to think of what he could do. "Would you like to... spend the evening here? Just... for some company?"

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily wasn't sure what to expect, a little part of her still so sure that Clifton would be upset with her for being so silly. The hand on her back radiated warmth, however, and it was slowly banishing her negative thoughts. When Clifton asked if she wanted to stay the night, however, she couldn't help but peek up at him, her heart skipping in her chest. She sighed softly, shutting her eyes and leaning against him. He just felt safe, and warm, and familiar. She relaxed just a little, unthinkingly slipping her hand over his knee. She nuzzled into his side, comforted by the closeness. "I love you, Clif," she murmured, half out of habit, but it didn't make it any less true.

 

[Clifton Ward]

It had been so long since Clifton had been quite this close to Lily, and smelling her perfume brought back all kinds of memories of their relationship so long ago. He felt himself tense as she leaned on him but he forced himself to relax, rubbing her back gently. Wherever their mess of a relationship stood right now, this was just about... comforting Lily. He tensed again when she said she loved him, wavering on how to respond. He knew he still loved her, knew he would always love her, but saying it back felt like a step too far for the tenuous peace they had built so far. So he settled for kissing the top of her head, rubbing her back softly and just sitting next to her.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

The silence that followed unnerved Lily a bit. She felt him tense, and immediately she felt like she had gone too far. Biting her lip, she pulled away gently and shifted to sit a little further away on the bed. "I- er- I-i-i'm sorry," she stuttered gently, folding her hands in her lap and letting her hair fall to cover her eyes.

She couldn't help but feel like she had been excluded again, and a small stab of jealousy struck her. Elliot had found Alice, and everything had gone so well for them. Blake had changed drastically, and he and Lars just seemed meant for each other. Her best friends were living with the loves of their lives. Lily felt the same twinge of jealousy she had gotten when she was in school.

Lars and Elliot were just so much better than she was. They were the quidditch captains, the prefects, living with their loves and succeeding in life. And Lily? She couldn't apparate. Her grades had been dismal. She hadn't lead anything in her life. She couldn't think of a single outstanding thing she had ever done. And Clifton? The man she loved couldn't even bring himself to say he loved her. She had ruined everything they had once had, and suddenly it felt impossible for her to repair things. After everything she had done, everything they had lost, why should he love her? Lily felt very small. She fidgeted nervously. "I... I should go," she managed quietly, taking a deep breath and finding her legs weren't quite letting her stand.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton knew something was wrong when Lily moved away, though he couldn't figure out what. He only grew more worried when she said she wanted to leave out of nowhere. He opened and closed his mouth, struggling for the words, and eventually landed on the simplest way he could think to ask. "Why?" He asked, studying her face uncertainly. "Can you... talk to me, please?"

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily hesitated as he asked why, and looked up to him. She gave him a sad, shaky smile. "I'm just... worried." She settled on, looking back to her hands. "I worry that I push things too far. I know how I feel, I just... don't know if I'm strong enough yet." She tried to explain, wringing her hands in her lap. "Clifton, darling, you are the kindest, sweetest, most caring man I know. But you're also very clumsy, and awkward. I've always found that very cute and endearing. I just... With the way I've been struggling lately, with myself, I'm just... worried we're going to hurt each other more without meaning to. I don't want to hurt you," She peeked back up at him.

"Clif, I... I think I just need more time. I want to be with you, but I don't... I don't know if that's the best idea right now, for either of us." Tears filled her eyes, and she looked away again. "I'm just... struggling to find the right balance right now. I want to be close to you, I just... need to figure out how to do that in a way that's healthy for us both," She let out a light, somewhat strained laugh, looking back up at him with sad blue eyes. "What do you think?" She asked, wanting his opinion on everything. She knew they had built up something of a strenuous friendship. She didn't want to lose that.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton was surpised when Lily started speaking at length, and even more suprised when she started repeating all of the things he had been trying to say ever since they had rebuilt their friendship. He hadn't thought she was on the same page as him until now, and hearing her actually say the words filled him with relief. Clifton nodded when she said it wasn't a good idea for them to be together, a tension he didn't realise he had been holding finally relaxing. "I... that's all I want." He said quietly, touching her hand. "I... don't... I don't think we're in the right place to be together right now. But I... I'll always value your friendship. I just think it'll be better for both of us to.... keep that distance, and figure out... our own stuff, in our own time."

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily's eyes filled with tears. Agreeing to stay apart hurt her more than she had thought it would. She sighed, lacing her fingers with his and letting the tears fall a bit. "Why is this so hard?" She asked gently. "I just... for the longest time, all I've wanted... is to be with you." She sighed, wiping at her eyes. "Why does it hurt so much, letting... letting that dream of us, together, why does letting it go hurt still?" She asked. She couldn't help but think that it all seemed so much easier for him. She always ended up crying when they were together. She hated that she couldn't be stronger for him.