Closed Tough Days- and Worse Nights

[Avaria Lockwood]

Maybe Ava was just fated to be miserable. She had been feeling isolated at school before, felt lonely, and thought that a year with her dad would have made her feel better- a year to actively work to negate her abandonment issues, help her conquer her fears and really let her dad into her life. Really it seemed to her like all it had done was made her even more miserable. She'd lost Elsie and hadn't even said goodbye, or been with any of her friends to mourn. She had left Vader to fend for himself, and his successes had both made her insanely proud and also saddened by how well he had done without her, how obviously he didn't need her. Alice was... well, her usual cheery self, with a sweet new boyfriend and no time for Ava. Ava was happy for her, really, Elliot was her little water lily's closest friend. She trusted him.

But Ava was still struggling. Alice had all but forgotten her. Vader didn't need her, and it was only a matter of time before he left her. And Elio... god, it had never been more clear to her just how little her presence in his life mattered. He was one of her closest friends, and she had lost him a long time ago. All his reassurances did little to assuage the pain and betrayal left in his gaping absence. Ava just couldn't win. She was alone. She was always alone. No matter what she did, no matter what she tried. It wasn't enough. She wasn't enough. Anyone that she let close to her left her. Her mother and grandmother, her father, Philip, Christian, Elsie, Elio, and now it seemed just a matter of time before Vader and Alice joined the ranks and abandoned her too.

For a moment, a new face flashed across her mind, but she shook it away. She was just tired. She was so very, very tired. She had thought sleeping at home alone had been difficult, often moving to hide in Vader's room instead. But sleeping in the dorms- with Elsie's empty bed and the quiet malice of the other Ava seeming to radiate through the room- Ava had barely slept since returning to school.

She collapsed into an empty couch in the student lounge, feeling exhausted, both physically and emotionally. She curled up with a nearby pillow, hoping maybe she might be able to take advantage of the quiet to catch up on some much-needed sleep. But, sleep just wouldn't come. She stared blankly at nothing, her mind wandering without telling her where it had gone, motionless on the couch.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader had hit the ground running as soon as he had arrived at school, it had been unhelped by the now added head boy position which had been keeping him busy. He wanted to leave enough time with Ava but it was occasionally quite hard to do. But, he had noticed as they’d spent a little time in the accio room that she seemed tired. He could imagine it was difficult for her to be back at school with the continued loss of that girl she’d shared a dorm with, and the fact he knew Elio was gone. Vader had gone to the dorm room and realised there was him, Vegeta and Caspian. Perhaps it was a good thing that he and Vegeta had….resolved some things. Not perfectly but enough. He was trying to find her and eventually when he was double checking the student lounge spotted her. She was on an empty couch, curled up with a pillow. He approached quickly, he’d brought a flask of coffee, but he wasn’t sure she’d want to drink any of that. Vader knew she wasn’t much of a coffee drinker. ”Hey Helene,” he said as he knelt down to be right in her vision, he gave a little smile. ”I brought you some coffee,” he offered, ”But maybe I can just offer you my super comfortable knees to lean on instead of the pillow?” he said. ​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava blinked as Vader appeared in her line of site. Where had he come from? He offered her coffee, and she didn't respond for a moment as she drew her mind back in from wherever it had wandered. She liked the offer of his knees better than the offer for coffee, so she sat up in order to give him the room to join her. She yawned as she did so, settling in her seat a moment to rub her eyes and grumble. She didn't know how he had been able to last so long on so little sleep. "Timmyyy," She whined lightly, holding her arms up and motioning for him with grabby fingers.

 

[Vader Hume]

As she sat up Vader moved to sit down on the sofa, leaving the flash of coffee on the nearest surface, and then once he was comfortable enough he patted his knees and guided her to relax against them. ”What’s going on Ava?” he asked softly, he could tell she wasn’t sleep properly, he knew what it was like, he knew those signs and he knew how bad it could get and how sometimes you just needed a bit to vent, a bit of a guiding hand to make things ever so slightly better. The music box was in his pocket and if she didn’t want to talk about it, maybe that would just help her sleep. ​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava sighed, laying in his lap and settling down. Despite her fears, she never felt safer than she did with Vader. "I can't sleep," she murmured. "Elsie is gone. Elio is gone. I thought if I went home I would feel better. But I just... I feel worse." She sighed, too tired to bother trying to lie. "Everyone leaves. I'm not good enough. Either the people I need most stop needing me, if they ever even did, and leave me behind. Or they die." She sighed, turning and burrowing into his belly. "Im tired of hurting," she whispered, her fingers moving to tangle in the hem of his shirt.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader let his fingers settle in her hair, just trace some of the strands as he listened to her speak. He had to admit he knew Ava’s desire to be needed by those around her, to be valued by how useful she was to them was difficult. ”You are good enough, and I’ve said before Ava, you shouldn’t value yourself on how useful you are to other people, people love you and treasure you for you, not for what you do for them,” but he knew much like he very much doubted his own self worth that every yearbook he brought out he doubted it was very good. ”It’ll be okay eventually,” he said, knowing that probably wasn’t good reassurance but all he knew to do. ”It’ll be okay,” he repeated. ​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava knew Vader would reassure her, he always did. She also knew that even though it worked right now, her insecurities and fears would come back to haunt her later. She sighed, leaning into his touch and relaxing into him. "You can't leave me, okay?" She said softly. "Even if you eventually move in with Goku or some other boy and we don't live together anymore, you have to stay my friend always," She clutched a little tighter to his shirt. "You're the only one in my life that has never turned away from me," She whispered, hoping he understood just how deeply she loved him, as her friend. It was days like this- days when she felt so broken and alone it hurt her so- it was when she was at her most vulnerable that she would find herself wishing that they could just love each other and stay together always. She didn't know if there was anything behind that secret wish that hoped if he loved her romantically, he would never leaver her, but she kept it tucked away, knowing it was one secret she would never share.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader looked at her and gave a soft smile. He didn’t know why she would think he would ever leave. After all their fighting, a reunion, troubles and successes. ”How could I turn my back on you?” he told her, ”You’ve always been there for me. And I will always be there for you, forever and always,” he said, he loved Ava deeply, and knew that he had truly lucked out to have such a good friend, a good best friend, a good extra sister. ”I know I said before that I wasn’t sure we were soulmates and I’m still not sold, love is earned not just given immediately, but I think if they do exist for platonic best friends or found family, then you are my soulmate in that,” he spoke softly, still gently running his hand in her hair, smiling at the depth of the love that he felt for her. Deeper and different than what he was beginning to feel for Goku and different still from what he felt towards Leia and Padme. ​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava's eyes fluttered shut as he ran his fingers through her hair. She smiled softly. "Timmy," She scolded lightly as she relaxed. "When I say soul mates, I'm not referring to that pandered hollywood, 'oh, they're fated to be together forever and ever' nonsense," She laughed lightly, before yawning. "The literal definition of a soulmate is simply 'a person ideally suited to another as a platonic or romantic partner'." She rolled a little to look up at him. "All I meant was that you're the most important person in the world to me. I never expected to find you here, and I never expected how precious you would be to me when I asked about your spider-man comic," She smiled fondly up at him, yawning again and struggling to keep her eyes open as she reached up and brushed his hair from his eyes. "Tell me you've had more than coffee today, Timmy," She scolded softly.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader listened to what she said. She had never been that clear with what she had meant and he had been too wrapped up in his own world and problems to know what that had really meant. He hadn’t been able to think about that, without thinking about it in the traditional sense and being only just growing comfortable with who he was unable to really be able to separate the two. But, he was older now, more at ease, more at ease with himself. ”I know that now,” he said with a little smile with a soft tone, he didn’t need to explain it to her but he felt like he should still. ”Course, Ajax brought me lunch when we were working on stuff in Accio,” he said before reaching into his pocket and pulling out the music box. ”I think you need this a little more than I do right now". He turned it a few times and let the soft music fill the room. ​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava almost pouted a bit, feeling guilty that someone else had fed him instead, but knowing it was good he had eaten even though she hadn't been able to take him lunch. Her eyes fluttered automatically as the music box played, yawning a bit and curling up against him. "Do you just carry that everywhere?" She asked tiredly, even though she knew she was already half asleep.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader smiled at the little music box, ”Yeah, last year it was like I had you with me, with this box,” he said, perhaps it was just because she’d given it to him, but it did mean quite a bit to him, and he was glad that she had given it to him. ”I still use it to help me sleep a lot,” He told her with a little smile. It did really help him when he struggled. His mind could focus on it and eventually truly settle. ​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava smiled softly, sitting up and moving away to gather a bunch of new pillows. "You are officially being taken," She told him, "Whatever else you had to do can certainly wait until tomorrow," She laughed lightly, moving to a bigger couch and starting to set up a bed. "Are you sleeping any better?" She asked, throwing the pillows onto the head of the couch before curling up under the blanket. After a moment she held up the blanket, an obvious invite for him to come join her.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader gave a little smile, ”We have to get back before curfew though, okay? I’m head boy now, I have to at least visibly follow the rules,” Vader told her. At the question he shrugged, ”There are good weeks, bad weeks and very bad weeks. Nothing too extreme, you know, it’s been a while since that, but stress is a pretty big trigger,” Vader told her with a little shrug. It was his biggest trigger and usually the one that snowballed the fastest if he didn’t manage it properly. ’I don’t think I’ll ever sleep well,” he admitted. He lay down next to her, and just smiled softly.​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava felt a sharp stab of disappointment when Vader said he had to leave soon, trying to hide it. Right. He had better things to do, more important things on his mind than napping with her. She wasn't really sure how to respond, to any of it, so she just curled up against him instead. "I don't like it," She murmured softly. She sighed softly, curling against him for a few moments before sitting up and sighing. "If you need to get back I'll leave you alone," she murmured, trying not to let on how exhausted she was as she got up. She didn't want to be a bother, and she knew if she let herself relax too much she wouldn't want to let him go again. She started for the door, not looking back. "I'll see you tomorrow, Timmy," she spoke softly, stifling a yawn as she shuffled away.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader frowned as after a moment of curling into him and laying there. She started getting up and moving away from him. ”What are you doing? Where are you going?” he said with some surprise. ”There’s still time till curfew,” he got up and went to her side, slipping an arm around her waist, since she did seem very very tired. ”Sleep for a bit here, and then we can always go to the accio room, that’s private,” he told her. Vader didn’t know why she’d gotten up like that. Why she had been so quick to do so. He didn’t need to get back, now he just needed to be a good role model for the younger students and not get caught after curfew. He would hate to get into trouble after he’d been awarded such a role. He loved Ava deeply but the thought of so actively breaking the rules, in such a visible area was enough to stress him out enough to not sleep. ”Come on, let’s go back to the sofa,”​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava had meant to just go, really she did, she didn't want to be a burden or get Vader in trouble, but as soon as he had hold of her she knew there was nothing for it. She melted against him, wrapping her arms around him in return, sighing softly in content. "I just don't know if I'll want to let you go," she murmured. "I'm so sleepy and you're just so warm," she yawned, leaning more against him.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader let his arms tighten a little around her and he signed softly, ”We’ll figure something out then,” he told her. He moved to get them seated again and just kept his arms around her. ”If you need things just ask me,” he knew that he would them to move before curfew, and he was sure they could go to the accio room and things would be just fine there. ”We just have to get through this year and then we don’t have to worry about houses or curfews ever again.” he said to her, he did hope that her sleep had resolved itself by then, but it might even be resolved by that. He hoped that it wouldn’t but given her dorm that might be what it took. He knew most of the boys in his dorm had left but none had died, he wouldn’t know what that felt like. ”It’s a pity you aren’t prefect any more, that would’ve been a good room to sleep in,”​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava let Vader lead her, staying curled against him. "I just need you," She murmured, yawning. She smiled a little at his mention of life after school, chuckling a little. "We still haven't decided where we're living. We should probably come up with a good plan over break," She glanced up at him, "Just jumping out into the world without a plan seems like a bad idea," Her demeanor dimmed further when he mentioned she wasn't a prefect anymore. She looked away, guilt tearing at her insides again. "I'm sorry," She murmured softly, hurting more at the thought. "I just messed everything up,"

She sat up, scooting a little bit away from him and turning her head away, tucking her hair behind her ear and biting her lip. She'd left, Elsie had died, her friends had gone on without her, and now she was back and no one needed her anymore, she was just... going to fade away into the background and everyone would be happy without her. Vader had Goku, Alice had Elliot, Elio had run away with Rowan and she was never going to see him again. Tears filled her eyes again and she unthinkingly brushed her fingers over her shoulder where she'd gotten her tattoo, already dreading the empty bed she'd have to go back to.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader smiled and nodded, ”We’ll have time over break to figure that out,” he wasn’t that stressed about that part of the future, possibly because his mind was so clouded with just getting beyond this year. ”You didn’t mess it up Ava, that’s not what I meant,” he assured her. He knew that her plan for her year away would’ve gone far more smoothly if just Else hadn’t died. That was the thing which had spun everything else out of control. If that hadn’t happened, then things wouldn’t be as terrible as they now were for Ava. He noted that she was quite upset, tears in her eyes. ”Come here,” he opened his arms to her, ”Everything’s going to be just fine, everything will get easier and better and before you know it, this will be a distant memory,”​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava bit her lip, turning back again and crawling into his arms, burying her face in his chest. She sighed shakily, sniffling."Why is everything so hard?" She asked softly, trying to clear her tired mind and just focus on his warmth instead. She couldn't even say that things were worse now than they had been before- her life had never been an easy one, but it seemed like everything had just kept stacking up and up until it had broken her. She couldn't help the way her fingers clutched at Vader's shirt, or the way she shook slightly.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader wrapped his arms around her and smiled a little. He couldn’t really answer that question, he couldn’t know an answer to it. Since he didn’t really know what it was like, what it felt like. He didn’t know that, he only knew from his own specific experiences, his own stresses and things which had prevented him from sleeping or any number of other things. It wasn’t the same as the actual loss of someone. He was sure it was meant to get easier but any progress made would be reversed when faced with the dorm room, the familiar places. Her year away hadn’t necessarily helped her come to terms with it as much as she could’ve and Vader knew that Ava was a deeply emotional person. ”It’ll get easier, you just have to give it time,” he thought it would help if she learned to let it go, but he knew that wasn’t a productive thing to say to her. It wouldn’t help her at all. ”Have you thought about going to speak to the counsellor?”​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava relaxed against Vader, letting out a shaky sigh. "What?" She asked again, looking up to him from under her eyelashes. "The... counselor?" She asked softly, unsure of what he meant. "What do you mean?" She asked. She had never really turned to anyone other than Vader. Maybe Elio or Alice. But she hadn't really opened up to an adult in a long time. She hadn't even really opened up to her father, or her step mother, not wanting either of them to think she was weak.

 

[Vader Hume]

Vader looked at her and nodded, ”Like speaking to someone about all of your concerns and worries, about Elsie and the stuff with Elio or your family,” he knew it was a little rich of him to be saying to to her when he had been so against it before but he thought it would be good for her to have an opportunity to speak to someone impartial, who could do more than he could. He didn’t know how to help because he didn’t understand the situation that she was in. His issues had been different, ”They could help you,” he said with a little shrug, he wasn’t expecting her really to agree to it, or to even think about it, but perhaps it would put the thought in her head. ​

 

[Avaria Lockwood]

Ava was quiet a moment, considering his words. "I... hadn't thought about it," She burrowed into his side. "I'll consider it." She agreed softly, yawning, and laying her legs across his lap. "I'm so tired, Vader," She murmured, closing her eyes, "I just can't seem to sleep in the towers." She admitted softly, "I've barely slept since we came back. While I was away it was easier, I could just go through your window when things got bad and hide in your bed, and it helped, but now I'm here and I can never reach you," She sighed, exhaustion creeping up on her as she got comfortable in his warmth.