Closed Ties That Bind

[Archie Renner]

Archie felt like he was drowning. In both his uncharacteristic nerves and uncertainty but also his overwhelming fear of not being enough. The fear that after all the tumultuous torture that had been the time spent trying to find his biological father, the man would reject him in the same way his biological mother had. He had a heaviness in his heart in fear of what might happen, of history repeating itself and finding his heart broken into a thousand pieces in the same way it did when he met his birth mother, that no matter how much he had changed and grown as a person nor how wonderful both Orwell and Asher assured him he was, that meeting with his birth father would turn out the same. The gut-wrenching rejection had broken him entirely the first time and he hadn't known if he could handle the experience all over again, the possibility of it enough to make him feel like he was clawing at water flooding in around him as he inevitably sunk under the surface. He had grown as a person in the last few years, had gotten engaged and become a parent, had a life he felt made him worthy of knowing that he hadn't been living earlier, but nevertheless Archie worried that somehow and some way and despite the many reasons he was apparently worth getting to know, it would be worthless in his father's eyes. That his birth father had given him up for a reason he still held close and he would never be worthy enough to experience otherwise. That the time and effort and emotional strain on his heart to find the man would be wasted if he never wanted to know him.

The fear was why Archie had thrown all the information he had gathered with his limited knowledge in search of the man to his closet so impulsively, why he had locked it all away for so many years in refusal of the reality it might reveal. But after so many years the fear had also become the reason he had chosen to unlock the box after so much time had passed. The question of 'what if' in the long term was tenfold in its emotional turmoil than actually finding the man and meeting him, and this was something Archie had taken years to realise but through his procrastination eventually did, resuming what had been an almost completely dead-ended search. Archie had realised that as fearful and overwhelmed as he felt both in that moment and in his past difficulties, he both needed and deserved to seek this answer for himself. For his own sense of happiness if the man wanted to know him or for his closure if the man didn't. He feared that day would mark the end of a difficult search and attempt to know the man but tried to focus on his hopefulness that day would instead be a new beginning for them both. Regardless, he needed to know the answer to his countless questions, and he tried to remind himself of this motivation as he finally arrived to the man's doorstep.

It had taken months, closer to a year with the limited information he had to find some concrete evidence on the man who was his father but Archie had eventually found something. A name and location and circumstances to piece together that this man would have known his mother nine months before he was born. It was a ten thousand piece puzzle in simile and Archie had never been good at complex problems but with Orwell's help he had managed to seek out the man he had been searching for. Emery Elwood, from the United States. A man who seemed far smarter than Archie would ever be but a man he needed to meet with every fiber in his being. Archie standing by the front door to the man's home, exhaled as he tried to muster the courage to knock. He squeezed Orwell's hand he had been holding the entire way there, after what felt like eons, eventually moving his free hand to knock on the door three times. Emery was expecting him, after all Archie had owled the man first with his revelation and intentions, but he somehow couldn't help but worry on top of every other worry he had, that he was intruding on what would otherwise be this man's happy and fulfilled life. That his arrival although expected would be unwelcome in the meaning it held.​

 

[Emery Elwood]

Of all the moments that had rocked Emery's life, nothing came close to the owl he had received from halfway around the world. A son. He had never thought - never expected. Kids hadn't exactly been part of the plan, and he wasn't sure he knew what to do with the abrupt addition. Not that this Archie was a child, far from it - apparently a father himself already. That had been another shock. Being a father made Emery feel ancient, but a grandfather? That was a blow to the gut. But he was here. What else could he do? He could hardly turn him away, this unfamiliar man from the other side of the world who was apparently half him. He'd swallowed down all the discomfort and agreed to a meeting, and now he was just doing his best not to sh*t himself.

He almost lost that mission when the knock came, taking a few moments to swallow back the panicked hyperventilation that almost bubbled up before making his way to the door. He paused on the other side, terrified of what he would see. A son, his son. What would he look like? Tall? Short? Would the similarities jump out to him, or would the boy look more like his mother? The questions paralysed him, and for the first time in his life Emery was afraid to find out the answers to a puzzle. But he couldn't put it off forever, so with a last calming breath he opened the door.

The first thing that struck him was that there were two young men at the door, but the second was that he knew exactly which one of them was his son. It was subtle - something about the nose, the jaw maybe, but that was... his son. "Archie?" He asked hesitantly, fighting to keep a small tremble out of his voice. Whoever this stranger was who had decided to enter his life, there was no backing out now.

 

[Orwell Brocken]

Orwell had been helping Archie look for his dad for a little bit. It was important that this go well for him, important that this be a good thing. He knew how much the lack of parental knowledge affected him. It was just going to be good to allow Archie hopefully a chance. They had managed to find him, it had taken quite some digging, but Orwell was pleased when he had a name and a location. They were able to get in touch and able to now visit. Orwell wouldn't have left Archie to do this on his own, only if the other boy had asked him to. He knew it was good and important for him to be there, to provide the emotional support that Archie needed and to be the one to step in if this dad wasn't what he cracked up to be. They were on his doorstep and immediately when the door opened Orwell was struck that the older man definitely seemed to be Archie's dad. he could see it. Orwell stayed silent, just nudging his closest friend to say something.

 

[Archie Renner]

As the door opened Archie felt time freeze around him, reality pausing as he held his breath and felt as if his heart had stopped beating. Any words he could think to say in greeting escaped him as his eyes landed on the man who he had determined was his biological father; someone who hadn't raised him but was half of the reason he existed in the world. The moment he saw the man represented many things, the answer to all the questions about his existence as well as the ending of the long and tumultuous journey he had been on to find him, and how it ended was very much in Archie's present rather than than the far off sense of the future it had been until that very moment. From that moment onward the countless questions Archie had about himself and his history would be answered, and the constant nagging insecurity of whether the man would actually want to know him would be met with a resolution. As the man he assumed was Emery said his name Archie couldn't tell if the resolution of his search would mean his insecurities would be made manifest and he would be unwanted in the same way his biological mother hadn't wanted him, or if the meeting would turn out entirely different but regardless of the resolution itself the fact was obvious after that day he would know the answers to his many questions, and that he had and would have found what he was searching for even if it meant he would have a broken heart.

Orwell's nudging brought Archie back to reality, causing Archie to shake his head. He hadn't realized how distracted he had been by everything until he realized he had been frozen on the spot as he looked to the man that was his father. Archie raised his free hand as he spoke, the other squeezing Orwell's hand in a death grip of anxiety. "That's me." He said, feeling his voice falter himself as he truly felt entirely unsure of what would happen next. "Thanks for um, agreeing to meet me." Archie added a moment later, fighting the urge to immediately ask the countless questions he had. He tried his best to reign in his emotions and be polite, as impossible as it felt given the heaviness of the meeting. Archie was still trying his best to process the moment he was in, realize that instead of only thinking about and imagining the moment he met his father as he searched for the man, he was now there, meeting him, and after that day he wouldn't have anyone else to search for.​