Closed The Way I Feel Inside

[Rowan Baros]

Rowan and Elio had walked to the lake in total silence. She was incredibly nervous and she just had no idea how all of this was going to play out. This could all go so terribly wrong. She hadn't slept a wink last night and she knew he'd be able to see it plainly on her face. She had no make up, she'd barely managed to even change out of her shorts and shirt from yesterday and though she'd fixed her hair somewhat, it wasn't at all to it's usual standard. She felt like she was going crazy. She just had to get this out there. It was the only thing she could do now. "El, there’s some things I need to say and I kind of just need you to listen until I’m finished, please." She started, pacing slowly in front of him now that they'd come a good distance away from prying ears. "I don’t know if I’ll be able to say all of it if you interrupt me, and… I’m sorry but this is not going to be a fun conversation." Rowan took some deep breaths to steady herself and tried to find her nerve, which was difficult as it seemed to be buried very deep below her stomach somewhere around her intestines. "Elio, I love you, so much. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else, ever. I’ve had a lot on my mind recently and it’s been there for way too long and I kept bottling it up and bottling it up and just doing nothing about it. I kept waiting for it to pass and hoping I could just get past it, you know, I didn’t want to hurt you."​

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She felt like this was how she started every conversation with him, but perhaps for the first time in their relationship, she was completely baring herself to him and it was the most insane and painful thing she'd ever done. "I love everything about you, your voice, your smile, the way you run your fingers through my hair to comfort me and hold me close so I feel safe" she said, smiling, "and I do, absolutely I feel one hundred percent safe with you and that’s what makes all of this so difficult because I know, I know I could never have this kind of connection with another person, ever. You’re my soulmate, the only person I could ever or would ever want in my heart. You’ve burrowed so deep in there now that I could never fully remove you and I never want to, not ever." She told him, taking more breaths. She'd promised herself she wouldn't cry, that would make all of this so much harder. She couldn't cry, she couldn't cry, she was trying so hard not to cry, but she was so scared she was about to say too much and lose him completely. But she had to say it, she had to say all of it. "But the truth it, Elio, every moment we’re together, I ache. I hurt so much that I feel like I’m going to explode. I can’t hide it anymore and I’m so, so sorry I haven’t said anything before because I know you deserved to know this ages ago. I’m so afraid of losing you that I just want to take everything I feel and bury it so deep inside myself that it would never see the light of day, so you would never see what loving you means for me. El, merlin I hate this, I hate this whole thing, but you deserve to know everything, you need to be able to make an informed choice of what you want." She said, drawing as much strength as she could from her conversation with Elsie yesterday. She really didn't know what she'd do without her in her life. "I should never have ever hid any of this from you and if you’re angry, I’ll completely understand because you have every right to be."​

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Rowan turned away from him slightly, fearing what he might look like if he saw the tears threatening behind her eyes. "I love you so much it hurts and seeing you with other people, with Chrys, with… with Caspian," she glanced at him then, as he hadn't known she'd seen him with the other Gryffindor, "it kills me every time. I know it shouldn’t because you don’t love them the same way you love me, I do believe that, but… I can’t help it. I wish I could just turn that part of me off and disappear, but the reality is that I can’t and I can’t stand seeing you without me. I’m selfish and I’m jealous and I hate it, but that’s what I am. I can’t change that." She turned back slowly to face him, because she needed him to see. "It kills me what this is doing to you, it really does, and I can see the conflicting emotions you feel every time you have to choose, I can. I never wanted it to seem like you had to choose and I still don’t but, I just need you to know that there will always be a part of me that is hurting because of this. Because of how I feel. Other relationships are easy, there's... you know... other aspects that differentiate, make it different, with… things, and I tried to tell myself that wasn’t something I wanted, because you were the person I fell in love with and I thought that was enough, I thought I could bury that so far down it never came up, but… after what happened with Chrys it… I don’t know it just popped up," she almost cursed at herself for that use of the phrase, but it was done now. "I’d be lying to you if I didn’t admit that it’s crossed my mind as something I would want, and… well,” she shook her head. “But I fell in love with you and… I just needed you to know that’s what’s going on.”​

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“That’s all I needed to say. I’m so sorry Elio!” Please forgive me.​

 

[Elio Zephyr]

The last couple of days had been strange as Elio tried to navigate his way round other people. Everyone had something going on and he’d been doing his best to help his friends without losing himself in the process, but honestly it had been harder than he’d expected it to be, and he still didn’t understand it all. He’d wanted to talk to Ro about it, but given her reaction the other evening when he’d spoken of Chrys he didn’t think she would have wanted to know. Elio hadn’t seen her at all yesterday, but when she found him that morning she didn’t look herself. The prefect had walked with her to the lake, nervous energy running riot in his stomach as she was much too quiet, and something was most definitely on her mind. Had he been too wrapped up in his own thoughts that he’d missed something? He was only more anxious still when they stopped and Rowan began to pace, telling him she needed to get something out and he shouldn’t interrupt. As she began to speak, they were words she’d said many times before but why did this feel, different? He did as he was told, remaining silent throughout the speech although he was dying to say something, not that he knew what. Rowan had been lying about the fact she was okay with what they had. The reality of the situation hit him like a tonne of bricks and by the time she stopped and apologised, Elio was at a complete loss. Every moment of guilt that he’d had whether it had been with Marco or Chrys or..Caspian, which he was surprised to learn she knew of, he had managed to justify knowing that this was a balance in Elio and Rowans relationship that was unusual but they’d be able to agree on. He wasn’t angry, he knew why she’d done it, but that didn’t make it much easier as he stood silently and confused. She was right, this was not going to be a fun conversation.​

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Elio’s first reaction was that he wanted to tell her what she meant to him too. Everything she’d said, he felt exactly the same when they were together, it was how he knew he loved her. If she couldn’t stand to see him without her, then he would have to tell her that he wouldn’t be with anyone else. He could do that couldn’t he? For Rowan he would do anything especially if it meant that she would be be happy and it broke him to watch Rowan admit how distraught this situation was currently making her. He knew how she felt too when she spoke about them being soulmates. He was never going to find someone who matched his mind as well as she did. As she spoke about wanting more than he was going to be able to give her, it was a little awkward to hear, and another blow to the situation since he could end up compromising himself, but wouldn’t that be okay, because it was for Rowan? He thought back to the last few days, he was already so unsure of himself. If he was going to walk over to Rowan right here and now and give her the world, everything she’d ever wanted, would he be able to do that forever? He was only sixteen, he didn’t know how these things were going to play out when they got older and if he gave her everything, what would happen if they found out that they couldn’t keep it up, that it was too hard for both of them or they ended up breaking up and lost not just one another but themselves in the process too? Obviously things couldn’t keep going the way they were, seeing Rowan torn up about this and admitting she couldn’t have told him earlier was enough for him to be convinced that he would have to do something to change it.​

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It took him a long time before he finally did anything, the shock and confusion had held him back from having even a remote clue as to what to do. He moved closer to Rowan, wrapping his arms around her tightly, “I’m so sorry,” they both knew that neither of them had wanted to hurt the other and yet they had. There were so many unspoken things between them that sometimes it was easy to know what the other meant. There was still this mountain between them however, and the Gryffindor didn’t know if they could cross it. He held her tightly for a few minutes, trying to think of the words to say, not that he even knew what he was thinking himself yet. If he was near her, he was hurting her, if he stepped back he was hurting them both, and if he gave her his everything he would hurt himself and possibly their futures. He took a small step back after a moment, sighing and running both hands through his hair in exasperation. “I f**king love you so much, I can’t even imagine what it would be like if..” he didn’t want to finish that sentence, “You know, I have done the time without you. I am not me, without you.” He didn’t blame Rowan for any of this, he was just frustrated as though he was being given an impossible choice. He tried to relax a little, knowing this was only going to be harder to think straight if he was busy hating the situation as much as she was. No, he needed to focus on the things he could fix, things that maybe he needed to explain better. She was jealous of his relationships with other people, that much was obvious and not only because she’d just told him. Every time Elio came close to trying to explain something though, he found himself knowing the Rowan already knew. She already knew he felt differently about them, any of them to how he felt with her, but that hadn’t changed anything. What more could he do to prove it? He was who he was and if that wasn’t enough for Rowan, what else did he have to do? “What do you need from me? Rowan, I would give you everything.” He said eventually, knowing that if these were the choices he had, wouldn’t it be better to hurt himself at the end of the day? “I can’t see you like this, and I can’t lose you.” It hurt him to admit it but if he had to be the one to take the hit for their relationship to survive, then maybe that’s just what he had to do. Maybe he was being rash and the fact his heart rate was running a million miles an hour in his chest suggested he felt more trapped than he realised, but he didn’t have a choice. “What do you want?”​

 

[Rowan Baros]

Rowan felt as though she was standing in an eternity. Like time had stopped and the world had stopped spinning. She knew that was impossible, because she was good enough in science to know how that worked, but even still, as she looked around, it was like there was no breeze to move the trees, no ripples on the lake, her hair was perfectly still, and it was as if time itself had placed them in a bubble of eternity and they wouldn't be able to leave until they'd come to a decision. Rowan knew this was not going to be the kind of situation they'd be able to talk around like they normally did. Play it up, play it down, jump over it completely, she knew this was the kind of conversation people didn't normally have in their relationships and, honestly, Rowan could see why. This wasn't exactly the kind of conversation she wanted to be having with Elio. This wasn't he kind of conversation she wanted to be having with anyone, quite frankly, and as the silence seemed to tick on and on, she wondered if maybe he was just broken. She knew she was so close to just giving up. She knew she couldn't because giving up would be backing away and she knew she could hardly survive that. Not if their nine months apart had told her anything at all. No, they needed to talk and they needed to know exactly where they stood with each other. No more lies, no more secrets, no more hiding. It all had to some out, it all had to be over. Rowan's anxiety only grew with each passing second, and as each second seemed to feel longer and longer, she found her idle mind wandering to all the dark places she'd ever gone. Last night had been the worst. Her talk with Elsie had brought all of this up and it was Elsie who had encouraged this talk so, Rowan was very concerned about what might happen if she couldn't find the solution. There had to be one, something she could toss to Elio like a life line, because she just couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't keep willingly hurting herself to keep things content and she couldn't, wouldn't allow him to do that either, because she knew first hand how that felt. The moment he wrapped his arms around her though, and she had that physical confirmation that she hadn't just caused him to hate her for all eternity, the dams just broke and all the frustration and hurt she'd brought up yesterday with Elsie cam flooding out all over again. All she could bring herself to do was to repeat, over and over, that she was sorry. There just weren't any other words. She clutched to him tightly, not wanting him to move away from her again, because she was afraid it might be the last time. He eventually did pull away though, and she felt the loss as keenly as when he rejected her after the incident with Chrys. It helped to sober her, so she wasn't sobbing anymore, but she was still crying, the tears rolling down her cheeks in waves.​

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He told her he knew what life was like without her, and that he wasn't himself when she wasn't with him, and she knew she felt the same, that they were both speaking from the same place, but, it wasn't helping, because she still didn't know how to fix this. Ordinarily, Rowan was an extremely selfish person, she couldn't help it, that was just her personality and it did come out a lot with her possessive need to be by Elio's side all the time, but, she just couldn't be that selfish with Elio. She wanted to be his everything, but she wanted him to be who he was too and so none of this was making anything easier and she was so twisted up into a knot that she felt she may never be able to unravel herself. She looked up at him, hugging herself to try and stop the pain, the fast and sharp beating of her heart against her ribcage. She didn't like this feeling, the uncertainty, the blackness she felt surrounded them like a cloud. They both took Divination, they knew signs when they saw them, but she also knew them, and what they could survive when they were together. She wasn't going to allow a stupid sign to dictate to her, conflicted as she was, this was still her life, and Elio's life. They were the ones who had the say in how this went, not some dark cloud hanging over them. She tried to breath to calm down, enough so she could look at Elio and not start crying again. "I don't know what I want... El, that's why this is so hard. I wish I had the solution, all of this would have been so much easier," she said, dropping her arms from across her chest. "I wish I was selfish enough to tell you that I wanted your everything, I wish I was cruel enough to tell you not to leave me, I wish I was mean enough to give you rules to follow," she said, running her hands angrily through her already messy hair. "But I'm not... thank merlin, because, I could never live with myself knowing I'd forced you into something you couldn't be 100 percent yourself in." She'd fallen for Elio, this Elio, not some black cloud version of him. This version that loved everything about her, played with her fingers and her hair, kissed her softly on her forehead or her cheek. She couldn't change him, she couldn't destroy him. She believed she could have before, before she'd met Elio, before he'd started to change her little by little. There were still a lot of underlying problems, she knew, but for the first time in a long time, Rowan couldn't bring herself to hurt someone else, to spare herself the pain. "I can't do it, Elio, I can't hurt you. I just can't do it."​

 

[Elio Zephyr]

Hearing Rowans sobbing in front of him was one of the hardest things, and there was nothing he could do about it. She was too kind and too sweet to be happy with them as a couple, and the sinking realisation that no matter how hard Elio tried to show her that maybe it could work, maybe they could be happy, it would never last. He listened as she told him she wished she could do these things but the chance that there would come a time when he realised he wasn’t 100 percent himself would only cause a rift for them in the future. He rested his hands on her arms, looking down into her face as neither one of them had any wall left between them. He wasn’t going to start covering one issue up with others. If he insisted they become more than what they were now it would only be covering a wound, not healing it. “I am never going to stop loving you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I don’t care what happens between now and the rest of our lives, I am never leaving you.” It was true, although Elio wasn’t exactly finished. He had considered the next thing many times in his head, it was too selfish of him to keep her trapped in this limbo between himself and happiness, denying her the chance to actually find what she needed. He knelt down in front of her, partially because he was substantially taller and he was trying to lower the gap, but his legs were bucking under his own anxieties too. “But you cannot stay like this. I won’t let you.” He was looking up at her now, trying his best to keep himself under control because the moment he let his emotions take over it would be so much harder to reign in. “You want to be with someone who can be themselves. Someone who sees you not just the way I do, but can be so much more to you than I can ever be.” It killed him to admit it out loud, his voice almost broke as the words left his mouth but she needed the chance to be able to find what she was looking for. He knew she wouldn’t want to hear it, and in an ideal world things may have been different. No matter how much Elio tried to put himself in the role that Rowan needed, they would still know it wasn’t a complete matching fit. There would always be something missing and she knew it as well as he did they they’d just be kidding themselves. “You’re, everything to me,” his emotions going beyond breaking point in that moment, his heart feeling like it had just split and the tears started falling, “and you need to find someone who can be everything to you, too.” He brushed her hair from her face, trying so hard to hold it together but ultimately he was failing miserably. He’d never seen this taking a turn this way, not after everything else they’d already been through. He would never give up on her, or leave her and heck if anyone hurt her they would be sorry, but if he was going to let Rowan be happy, he had to let her go. ​

 

[Rowan Baros]

"Elio," Rowan was beside herself. Her emotions were tumultuous, jumping and weaving about like they didn't know which emotion she needed to settle on and really, neither did she. Elio was so present with her now, they were both standing on the edge and there were only two ways to go, neither of them options were appealing, but, Rowan couldn't see any other way out. Either they jumped, risking everything for what they had, or they stepped back, and risked never being whole again and Rowan didn't know which option she preferred because neither of them were good. Elio laid his hands on her arms and she looked up into him, she could see the struggle, the emotion, the devastation on him and it was almost like she just knew she could sense that what he was going to say next was not what she wanted to hear and she tried to cover her ears, not wanting to listen. Outwardly, she didn't move at all, her body stiffening at the sounds of his voice and the words she never believed she would hear between them, yet at the same time, they were exactly the words she'd been expecting too. More tears threatened as she looked at him, closer to equal than they had ever been, because the pain was no longer under the surface, it was there for them both to see, the source of all the problems between them. She wished she knew how to just flip a switch, but how was she meant to do that when her emotions were what she and Elio had together. Rowan's heart felt like it was being torn right down the middle, because she loved Elio with all of it and yet she needed it to survive. She couldn't have both, but she couldn't live without either. "Elio," she called to him, voice broken and emotions shattered. She didn't even recognise her own voice, so emotionally charged like it was the last time she would ever say it. She didn't want to believe that, but this was how Elio felt. She couldn't hurt him and he couldn't hurt her, but all they were doing was breaking each other over and over and something had to give eventually and this appeared to be it. "Elio," all she had was a name, and yet each time she said it she meant it in a different way. Elio I love you, Elio I can't live without you, Elio please don't leave me, Elio don't do this. Elio I need you, Elio you're my everything. She reached out to hug him closer, not wanting to say anything lest she ruin all of it. Despite what was said they still had this moment, they still had right now. She didn't want anyone else, she never would, she knew that. Not if this was what she would forever be comparing it too and how could anyone ever compete for that? "You're irreplaceable," she said slowly, between sobs. "You're my heart," she continued, "my soul," she hugged him tighter with each word until she felt she might break him physically as well as emotionally. She never meant for any of this to happen. It was all her fault, all of it, all of it. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," she couldn't stop, she loved him and she needed him. She would never find someone that matched him, and that was probably worse than everything else, that what happened right here, would determine her future and what if, what if, it was all for nothing. "Elio, please don't leave me. Please,"​

 

[Elio Zephyr]

Elio could barely move as he hugged Rowan tightly, his face buried in her neck as he tried to calm his own breathing down but it was pointless, it wasn't under control and what had started as a slow trickle was a wave now that the dam had been opened. This had never been what he wanted, everything he envisioned for his future had her right there alongside him, and just in a matter of minutes he knew what they had to do if they wanted to save one another. He hadn't realised he'd started shaking, just letting himself feel whatever came to him in that moment. Hearing Rowan tell him how he was her everything hurt him even more. How were they meant to distance themselves from one another when their lives were so entwined? He didn't know what hurt more, trying to keep her close or letting her go, but either way they were both in pain and he held her as though if he let go right then that he would have fallen apart. Elio knew that part of letting her go would mean that he couldn't reaffirm the idea that there wouldn't be someone else more suited to her, but he knew how she was feeling because he felt it too. The fifth year couldn't bring himself in that moment to try and convince her further that there wouldn't be others, that there was still hope for her to be happy with a guy that could be everything she needed because that would mean he had to admit to himself that it wasn't him. She was his heart and soul too but if he told her that it would only sting more. "I love you so so much," he kissed the nearest spot on her neck he could reach, still not pulling away from her, but trying to catch his breath enough to speak again. "I won't leave you. We'll do this over time alright," he couldn't imagine losing Rowan in a way that was like ripping off a band aid. No, they'd have to do this gradually, and he would help her too until it came to a point that she was comfortable to walk away. The thought of it caused a fresh barrage of tears, she was his life, not anyone elses, and yet she wasn't. "And I don't care, you can marry the best suited person to you in the world, I'm still getting an invite," perhaps it was the worst time for a joke but he had to tell her he had no intention of losing her as a friend, even if they did have oceans to cross before they got to a balanced ground. ​

 

[Rowan Baros]

Rowan couldn't bring herself to let Elio go. All of this just felt like too much right now. She never expected this and yet at the same time she'd been holding out for the inevitable reality of this very situation. They just couldn't continue as they were, but they could not change either. Elio and Rowan, they'd only really been friends since last year and so much had changed. Knowing that she was losing her whole world, even if he said he wouldn't leave her made her feel just so worthless. She knew this had to happen, but she felt betrayed by the situation, like the universe had given her someone like Elio only to rip him from her just as quickly. Who did she have if she didn't have Elio, because she certainly didn't have herself. She hadn't had herself for an awfully long time. Elio kissed her neck and she closed her eyes, unmoving so she could sear the feeling to her memory. She couldn't do this. She knew she couldn't, but she would do it for him, because she loved him and this is what he needed, it's what they should have done well before this, before things got complicated. She felt like she was giving up far more than she would ever gain, she felt like she was giving up the very essence of who she was because she didn't know how to be this Rowan anymore and she was so, so afraid that she would lose herself in who she was, losing who she had become with Elio and it just made her hurt more. Gradually, they would do this gradually he said, the words bringing fresh sobs out of her. She didn't know if she would ever be able to stop crying. Elio was everything for her. Without him, she had only her sister. But even Elsie had someone, so really, Rowan had no one. And maybe she never would again. She pulled in a shaky breath. Her emotions finally settling on just one thing. Alone. She ignored his comment about marriage, she'd never thought she would ever get married anyway, so that wasn't really such a great loss. She reached out and ran her fingers down the side of his face, the matching tears speaking volumes. "I love you, my Elio. Always will," she said, before she leaned in and kissed him softly. She knew it didn't mean anything for him, but, it always would for her and if she would never get the chance again, she was taking it now. She was about to lose everything, so why not get something in return.​

 

[Elio Zephyr]

Elio had already a sample of what was in store for them from last year, recalling how much effort it took to do anything when they weren't talking to one another, but that was a game compared to what was happening here. How would he just keep going without her by his side, rebuild his life when she was his foundations. He'd spent weeks waiting for her return and when she had he'd promised never to let her go, how could all of this have happened in such a short space of time? He was looking up at her with tears streaking down his face, knowing that this was going to be like trying to separate from his own reflection. He knew her too well to not know what was coming next. Last time she'd kissed him had been almost a year ago to the day, but oh so far they'd come since that night. He didn't have time to reply before he moved his hands further up to tangle into her hair, meeting her lips with a more desperate motion. It wasn't about what it would lead to, he didn't do it for the same reasons she may have. Physical intimacy had always been something he'd craved from those he'd loved the most, and this was just another level in which he could express it. He didn't break contact as he stood from the ground, sliding his arms lower until he was holding her in a tight hug, still pushing against her lips as though it was the last time he'd ever get the chance to be close to her. The reality of the situation was that this was it, they couldn't do this with or without each other and his eyes were closed tight as he made the most of what little connection they had left remaining.​

 

[Rowan Baros]

Rowan had probably one of the biggest shocks of her life when she realised Elio wasn't pulling away like she thought he would. Her body went stiff for a moment as her mind was sent racing ahead trying to work out what her next move should be, but she was blank. She had no idea what to do. She dropped her arms to sit round his neck, but didn't move any further, content to just let her emotions cling to the kiss, almost completely unaware of anything else in the moment. He stood up, towering over her once more and she had to stand on her toes to reach him as he wrapped his arms around her and didn't break. Rowan, for the tiniest, briefest of moments, considered climbing to wrap her legs around him, but that was just too much, and so she pulled away instead. She hadn't expected that reaction when she'd kissed him, but at least now she knew what that would be like and it was a memory she would more than willingly keep. Just something for her. "I'm sorry, I... I probably shouldn't have done that, I know you... I know," she didn't finish the thought, still wrapped up in him, she knew he'd understand. She didn't want to leave, she didn't want to walk away, but she couldn't see this ending any other way for them, they couldn't escape the inevitable. "F*ck I love you so much, I don't even wish I didn't, because loving you has been the best part of me," she said, still wrapped in his arms and unwilling to move. "Being loved by you... has been the greatest, most amazing privilege, and I, more than anyone, will always remember what that's like," she said. "You're the most beautiful person I know, your heart is so pure, so... Elio," a word she'd come to associate with Love and Devotion, and now also with Loss. "I wish you the world and more," she said, reaching up to press a kiss to his jaw before she slowly stepped back, holding his hands. She softly pressed kisses to his palms too, before putting them on her face. "Please don't ever change, baby boy, I need to know you'll always be my Elio."​

 

[Elio Zephyr]

Elio didn't know what he was doing was necessarily the right choice in that moment, but he had to let her pull away. She did know him, she knew him better than anyone and he knew this wasn't going to happen again. It was breaking him to hear her talk like this, his breaths quickening again in a panic he couldn't hold back. He didn't want to hear these things in a tense that wasn't the present, he could barely move or speak as he couldn't even find it in him to smile as she told him she couldn't even wish she hadn't loved him. "Please.." he didn't even know what he was asking but he knew that he was already past the point of being able to control himself emotionally. He would have given everything he could to this girl standing in front of him, it was too cruel that the person he'd fallen in love with was the reason for this pain as well. "I love you too Rowan, I love you in a way that I didn't think I even could," his voice was breaking as tears streamed from his eyes, he'd always been so scared to lose her and she hadn't even really been his to lose. "I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for you," He felt like he couldn't breath, listening to these words. Elio knew she felt the same as he did about this, but this pain was beyond anything he would ever feel by giving something up. How could he ever justify giving her up over something in his own life when she was his priority? She had always been his priority. Right from the very first moment they had clicked in a way that had made them inseparable, even before things had gotten complicated. Rowan kissed his jaw, stepping back, but Elio didn't let go of her hands. He stood silently, breathing heavily as she spoke about him being her Elio. Of course he was. His jaw was slightly hardened at the thoughts running through his head, maybe it was an impulsive risk he was about to take but how could he live with himself if he didn't do it? "I don't care, how complicated this gets," he spoke quietly, voice shaking as he tried to get the words out. He thought his heart was ready to burst straight out of his chest, and while he knew there was a chance that she would walk away for his sake, "I want, you. It has always been you. Baby girl you know I will always be your Elio. And you? You'll never stop being my Rowan." He had let her move his hands, almost too weak to fight it even if he'd wanted to. His skin was freezing cold as the adrenaline ran through his veins and if Rowan was about to leave, she was free to. "Please, let me do this."​

 

[Rowan Baros]

Could Rowan really just live in a world where she was constantly hurting the one she loved? Could she justify letting him break something inside him that made him who he was? How had it come to this? She thought about how they’d met, the crazy instant chemistry, was it any wonder really why she’d fallen for him so hard and so fast? The way he’d lit up a room when he’d walked in, always seeing her exactly how she was and accepting her anyway. She would never have that again, not with anyone else, because the Rowan she was before Elio, just didn’t exist anymore, and anyone who loved this version of her, they would be loving Elio. Because one could not love Rowan without Elio. Just as one could not love Elio, without Rowan. They had come together, they were a package, two peas in a pod, the moon and the stars, hands and feet, day and night, like clouds and rain, they were inevitable, and Rowan just wasn’t sure she could give all of that up. She’d been about to walk away from everything she had. She knew she should walk away, but, something inside her just broke away the moment Elio started talking and she could feel that determined little nudge at the back of her mind telling her to walk, just dissolving into nothing. He didn’t care about the complication, he didn’t care how much it would cost them, he didn’t care what they had to do to keep what they had, he would do it all, he would do it all for her, for him, for them. Honestly Rowan couldn’t love him any more than she did in this moment and she was sure it reflected all over her body. “What are you doing to me,” she asked quietly, almost laughing at the realisation that she was probably never going to be able to walk away from him. Not really. Even if she did physically, emotionally she’d still be bound to him, looking for him in every room, wanting to talk to him every moment something happened. Wanting to share in his happiness, his sadness, his losses and his wins. Who was she kidding? They were everything to each other or nothing at all. Rowan squeezes his hands then, smiling through the tears as she finally made her decision. Maybe this was what she should have done all along, they might have avoided all of this. “Alright,” but he wasn’t going to be the only one making sacrifices. They had to make ground rules because she could not, she would not, let him do this on his own. Maybe she could have before, when she was the selfish and cruel person Elio had never seen her as, but this Rowan, Elio’s Rowan, the one she always wanted to be, couldn’t do it. “I can’t walk away, I can’t, I should,” she said, still holding his hands to her face, “but I can’t, so we need to make some rules. Because if I can’t lose you and you can’t lose me, we need to lose something, because this can’t continue like this, and I won’t, I will not, let you give up something without giving something in return.” They didn’t have to decide now, but they had to decide eventually. “We can’t be together all the time, I need to learn how to be on my own too,” as much as she really didn’t want to say it. Anything could happen and she needed to know she could survive. “I need to stop coming to you for everything and you need to stop letting me come to you for everything, you need to have your own life and I need to have mine”, she knew it would be hard, but she knew it was the truth. She couldn’t rely on Elio for her happy moments and he couldn’t rely on her for his. “If something isn’t working, we need to tell each other as soon as we know. I can’t go through this again,” that was more for her benefit than his, since he’d always been entirely honest with her. “And we need to be honest, about everything.”​

 

[Elio Zephyr]

Elio couldn't, wouldn't move until he knew what was happening. It was like something was holding him into place and if Rowan walked away then he would have to remain rooted to the spot. He was feeling sick to his stomach at the idea of there no longer being a them, whatever they were. Until now Elio had believed they'd been happy in their middle ground, and maybe had this come up earlier something could have been done but he didn't care, this is what the situation was right now and he couldn't move away from it. The way Rowan was talking, he realised that maybe this had been in the back of her head for a while, that she could be free of the hurt if she changed what they were. Was he stopping her from being her own self too? He felt weak as he considered Rowan in that moment was probably getting a glimpse of her life without his complications, that this was a part of her life she wouldn't want to repeat. He could only ask for a chance for him to make things right, there had to be more to it that this and even if he didn't have all the answers just yet, he couldn't throw away everything they had just like that. If she let him, Elio would do anything and everything to prove it. As she asked what he was doing to her, Rowan almost looked exasperated although a smile appeared on her face and Elio was looking at her as though she was his only life line. The Gryffindor was in too much shock at her next words for tears, and listening intently to every single syllable. She wanted more independence, to be able to branch out and stand on her own two feet, not relying on him all the time. How could he not be proud of her for that? He had to concentrate on not letting his lips shake as she spoke, a sudden breath released from his lungs that he hadn't even realised he'd been holding. "Yes. Absolutely, a million times over, yes. I want you to experience it all, go out there and show them what a creative, strong, beautiful person you are, I know you can do this." He knew it would release some of the pressures for them if Rowan could find happiness in other areas of her life. They had some growing up to do, both of them, that much was clear but he felt as though his eyes had been opened in this moment and he was reminded not to miss the most important thing that was stood right in front of him. "I will back off and I won't get in your way, I didn't wanted you to feel as though you couldn't do something, but I've never known anyone more capable of getting what they want," he found himself smiling for the first time that morning, "I'll never stop being honest with you," Rowan could already see straight through him but he wanted her to know everything that went through his mind, they had to be on the same page with this and no matter how hard things may have gotten, it was something that they had to work on, together. He moved a hand to dry her cheeks with his sleeve, his eyes never leaving hers, although his hands were still shaking because of the roller coaster they'd just been on, "And I will be there, if you ever want a place to just let go, my arms are yours. All of me is yours." He'd never been more sure of himself and what he wanted than he was in those few minutes. Nothing else even mattered as long as he could be there for her.​