Closed The Things I Didn't Say

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily had enjoyed the break, seeing her parents and spending time at home again. She was still glad to be back at school, though she was worried as ever about her little sister. She was glad to see her friends again. After making sure Penne wasn't hiding in her bag, she made her way down to the great hall, humming and skipping. She was wearing a simple white sundress with soft yellow flats, her sunflower pins holding her hair back and the dainty sunflower necklace Clifton had given her for her birthday resting around her neck on the silver chain.

She smiled brightly as she spotted him in the Great Hall and moved to sit across from him. They chatted for a bit as they ate, and when he asked about her family, she couldn't help the way her face fell. She sighed softly, spending a few minutes expressing her worries about her sister. "I don't know, Cliff, I don't know if she's found any really good friends yet, made any good connections," She bit her lip, not liking how alone her sister seemed. Lily looked up, a bit confused to see the distant look in his eyes. One elbow rested on the table, holding her fork casually near her chin as she swallowed her food. She reached over with her free hand, gently placing her fingers over his. "Cliff? Are you listening?" She asked softly.

 

[Clifton Ward]

After the holidays home in England, Clifton always felt a bit of culture shock all over returning to New Zealand for school. Though he didn't feel like his accent had changed all that much in the time he had spent here, going home he always felt like he sounded completely different than his parents, and then coming back the accents of his classmates sounded strange and new all over again. He felt like he lived two entire lives as two different people, and it was always a bit strange returning to this one, where he was... at least somewhat cooler than he was in England.

After not seeing Lily over the break Clifton had been ecstatic to catch up with her, but something felt... different as he returned to Hogwarts. Over the holidays he hadn't seen his girlfriend for months, and he was finding it harder to listen to her than he had remembered. While Lily talked about her sister he felt his eyes drifting to a pretty girl at the Ravenclaw table, watching her idly as he half-listened to his girlfriend. He only brought his focus back when he realised Lily had noticed, flushing hotly with embarrassment. "Yeah, I'm here, sorry..." He said quickly, looking back at his girlfriend in embarrassment.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily smiled softly, rubbing her thumb over his hand. "It's alright," she reassured him. She had really missed him over break, she hated being away from him for so long. "I know I must be dull going on about Rosie. What's on your mind?" She asked. She felt a bit silly, going on about her own problems if there was something troubling him already.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton shrugged a bit awkwardly when Lily asked what he was thinking about, wondering where to even start. "Just... a bit homesick?" He said slowly. "It's always... strange coming back here after being at home. I feel sort of... out of place all over again, you know..." He trailed off, shaking his head quickly. "I'm sorry. What were you saying?"

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily smiled softly, running her thumb lightly over his hand as she listened. "It wasn't really important, anyway. I was just worried over Rose and her lack of friends." She squeezed his hand lightly, taking another bite of her breakfast, idly contemplating as she ate. She took a drink, keeping her elbow resting on the table as she thought. "Coming back is always a bit jarring," She mused, before smiling warmly up at him. "How about after breakfast we go curl up in the common room for a bit? Take some time to just relax and settle in a bit again."

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton nodded as Lily explained what she had been talking about. He felt a little bad for her sister, but he didn't really know the younger girl. Clifton took another bite of his food as Lily spoke and nodded in response to her recommendation, his eyes wandering. "That sounds good." He said idly, staring across at a girl at the other table again. "Yeah, common room and stuff."

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily's brow furrowed a little bit as Clifton seemed to fade out again. Insecurity nipped at the back of her mind but she did her best to push it aside. "Clifton?" She asked gently, studying him with confused eyes. "Is everything alright? You seem like your mind is somewhere else today," She wondered briefly if it was something she had done, but she tried to push it aside. Maybe he was just tired, or still hungry, or just really worried about the upcoming school year.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton didn't really realise how quickly his attention had drifted until Lily had called for it back again, flushing as he turned back to her. "I'm fine! Sorry, I wasn't looking at anyone. Anything. I mean. It's fine." He said too quickly, stumbling a bit over his words, his eyes flicking back nervously to the Ravenclaw table for a second.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily couldn't help the hurt that flashed in her eyes. She had been so excited to see Clifton again, felt so happy at the thought of spending her days with him again. "Oh," she managed softly, averting her own eyes down at her food and poking it but not really feeling hungry anymore. "I'm s-sorry," she bit her lip, cheeks flushing a little as she stuttered. She shut her eyes, trying to breath and ignore how small she felt.

 

[Clifton Ward]

If Clifton hadn't already felt horrible, he would have felt even worse at Lily's reaction. "No! I'm sorry!" He said a little too quickly, scrambling for what to say. Omitting the facts clearly wasn't working out, so he decided to just come clean. "I was just looking at a girl, okay? I... Nell's wearing a short dress, and... you know." He shrugged weakly. "I'm a guy, that's just... a normal thing, I didn't mean anything by it! I'm sorry!"

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily's heart sank as Clifton spoke. He... Was looking at other girls? Was she not pretty enough? She fidgeted a little with her own dress, feeling horrible now with how plain it was. She had thought her outfit was cute, but maybe it wasn't- maybe she wasn't. "Oh... Okay..." She spoke quietly, shrinking in on herself and shutting off from him a bit. It was something she hadn't done in a long time, something she hadn't expected to have to do with Clifton, of all people. She felt incredibly silly, and very small, and very much like she was just some little girl playing at games she didn't understand. "I'm s-sorry," she stuttered again, softly. Sorry for disturbing him, sorry her dress wasn't as short or her outfit pretty enough, sorry she had thought something silly like cuddling in the common room would make things better.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton 's heart sunk further and further as he watched Lily's expression change, until it felt like it was beating from the soles of his shoes. "No!" He said quickly, wincing. "You didn't do anything wrong! It's just... normal guy stuff, you know! Looking at girls! I look at guys too! Don't you look at guys sometimes? Everyone looks at people, it doesn't mean anything!" He rambled, desperately wishing he could cram the words right back in his mouth, where his foot seemed to have set up permanent residence.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily sighed softly as Clifton scrambled to catch up. She couldn't say that knowing he looked at other people often really made her feel better. She couldn't really recall looking at anyone since she had gotten together with Clifton, aside from thinking her friends looked nice on occasion. She bit her lip, still not looking at him and brushing her hair behind her ear. "It... isn't that you were looking, Cliff," She managed softly. "Not... not really, anyway," She hesitated, poking at her food. "I..." She decided that maybe being open about what she was thinking might help make him feel better, or at least make her feel less like a fool. "I just... I was really eager to see you again, I... I'm sorry I'm so plain, so... so boring," She admitted slowly, sighing again and letting her stubborn hair fall to cover her face in a small effort to protect herself while she struggled to get her feelings under control.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Every time Clifton thought this situation couldn't get worse it did. He opened and closed his mouth, scrambling for the right thing to say. "No! You're not boring!" He said quickly, feeling his stomach twist and contract in horror. "That's not what it's about! It's normal to look at people sometimes! It's just a daydream! Like, 'I wonder what my life would be like with this person, I wonder if I would be happier'! You know! Just daydream stuff!" He babbled, trying desperately to throw a lid back on the pandora's box he had opened.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

If there was anything Lily had thought would be happening when she came back to school... It wasn't this. The more he went on, the more she felt each word stabbing at her heart. Her fork clattered to the table as she sat, stunned, tears filling her eyes as he blabbered on. He daydreamed about being with other people? Was she really so horrid? She knew this was too good to be true, she knew she didn't deserve him, merlin, what had she been thinking? She felt like she had been caught, like a goldfish pretending to be a koi, and with a soft sob, she pushed herself up. "I j-j-just want- want you t-t-to be, be h-h-happy," she stuttered violently, clamping a hand over her mouth to stop herself before turning and dashing away. She had never thought he would break up with her, and as she fled from the room as fast as she could, stumbling once but managing to keep her balance, she couldn't help but feel like she'd fallen into some nightmare she wasn't waking up from.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton knew he had said the wrong thing the second it was out of his mouth. The heartbreak was obvious on Lily's face, and before he could take it back, could apologise and try to fix this, she was already on her feet. "Lily, no! I didn't mean it like that!" Clifton exclaimed, full-body shudders striking him as the weight of what was happening sunk in. He tried to follow after her but by the time he reached the door she had disappeared in the throng, and he was left to stew in the horror of how badly he had messed up. He had been afraid of this for years, of saying something so stupid Lily would dump him over it, and now it looked as though those fears had all come true.