Open The Inability to Smile

[Leonardo Orr]

With the practice over and a game looming, Leonardo couldn't bring himself to leave the pitch. He'd played well in his opinion, not perfect, but he was averaging about a 50% success rate when he attempted to score. Leo was pretty proud of the fact he felt he was visibly improving with each year, and quidditch was turning out to be something he really enjoyed. Something he wasn't necessarily passionate about but certainly if he had to pick one thing, only one, to continue at school, it wouldn't be his classes it would this sport. But for some reason, despite how he'd played and how he felt he was improving, Leonardo couldn't find himself to be happy. He couldn't even find it in himself to feel joy and smile to himself about how he'd done. His mind went to all the ways in which he had not done well, all the times he'd missed, the times he'd been hit with a bludger. His mind focused on that rather than on his successes.

The rest of the team he was sure had gone inside, seeking out bruising paste, showers, and food, but Leonardo had gotten changed and just come out to the stands. The air was cold, there was a little wind, and the sky was darkening with thick dark grey clouds. It probably meant it would rain soon. Leonardo was looking out at the pitch, he was thinking about Jordie and James, how easily they had joked with each other, how easily they had laughed, how easily they had smiled. Everything about Jordie and James was foreign to Leo, in the sense that he had never experienced family in that way. Quidditch was something that in theory made him happy, he liked it, always came back to it….and yet as Leonardo sat thinking about it, about how he liked it, couldn't even smile a fraction without it being forced. ​

 

[Renata Stepanova]

Renata's quidditch prowess was, as with most things she tried her hand at, decidedly average. She'd played brilliantly for a time last semester, but after a couple of months away she was pretty rusty. That made her nervous. She liked belonging in the team, feeling like she was doing her part and helping, but she didn't like feeling as though she was letting everyone down. She couldn't bear the thought of being kicked out for not being good enough. Not when things were actually going well for her, she thought anyway. For the first time, she felt like she fit in, and that maybe people actually enjoyed her company. For the first time, she had friends.

So she had to try harder, in case they realized just how useless and average she really was and decided they didn't want her around at all, actually. Renata had been a bit slower, letting the others go ahead and wanting to take a few moments to relax before she returned to the castle. Apparently she wasn't the only one with that idea, as when she headed up to the stands she spotted Leonardo, moving to sit near him without moving so close as to make him uncomfortable. She didn't know him well, but she knew he was very serious and reserved, and Renata didn't mind that at all. She wasn't openly affectionate or excitable unless it was to match the tone of the people she was with. "You didn't want to go back yet either?" She asked, her voice soft and the question posed in such a way that she didn't necessarily expect an answer.

 

[Leonardo Orr]

Leonardo had vaguely heard someone coming into the stands, too. He hadn't figured that they would want to talk to him. He understood why, though Leo had been on the team a while, and knew a few of the players he didn't think any of the others liked him much. Certainly he didn't think the captain liked him. He assumed it was because he wasn't very good. Or as good as they needed him to be. He glanced at the girl who spoke. Renata or something. Renata, who'd previous been at Durmstrang and who was in his class. He was vaguely sure that she was friends with Harmony, but he wasn't certain of it. He didn't know how to tell if other people were friends or not. Leonardo glanced at her briefly before looking back out at the pitch and gave a little shake of his head. ”Does quidditch make you happy?” Leonardo asked without looking at her. His voice had been quiet and serious, the question itself was perhaps a bit personal, but it was said no. He shook his head slightly. ”You…you don't need to answer,”​

 

[Renata Stepanova]

Renata was fine to just stare at the sky for a bit, not wanting to bother Leonardo too much. She wasn't sure what he thought of her, mostly indifference she figured. Indifference was better than hatred, though, so she'd accept that. Renata wasn't exactly close to many people. She tried really hard to be liked or at least accepted, and that seemed to have worked alright so far. The question caught her a bit off guard, and she paused for a moment, thinking how to answer. It was a personal question, sure, but it seemed to come from a place of honesty. So she figured her answer might as well be truthful. "Sometimes," she said, gently. "I like being included. And I feel good when I do well...like I'm being helpful." The unspoken part was about how when she didn't do well she felt bad about it. And afraid they'd reject her if she wasn't good enough. "It's...not everything, though," she added, quietly. She wasn't sure about throwing the same question back, if he didn't want to answer it, but supposed if he'd asked, he probably wanted to maybe get something off his chest a little. "You...aren't enjoying it?"

 

[Leonardo Orr]

Leonardo wasn't sure it was the right question to ask, it felt a little personal, and it was wrong to get too personal with someone whose name he only knew because they shared classes and this sport. He shook his head slightly, running his hands over his face. But she answered, far more honestly than he thought she might, than he might've if she'd been the one to pose the question. He thought it odd to describe quidditch and being a part of the team as being helpful. But he could see why, could understand it. He had also in part joined to be included in something. It just helped that quidditch, or sports, was something his grandfather had wanted him to do too.

Leonardo considered the question she gave him, not exactly the same as what he'd asked…but similar enough. Leonardo shook his head, seemingly hesitating over it. There had been a pause while he visibly thought about it. ”It's what I'm best at…even if the practices don't show it,” he replied, which wasn't necessarily an answer to the question, to be good at something didn't mean you enjoyed it. ”I do…enjoy it,” his words were serious, there was no hint of a smile on his features as he said those words. He tried, forcing a smile that last all of a second. Perhaps there was more to say, more explanation to give for his words, but Leonardo just fell silent.​

 

[Renata Stepanova]

Renata was probably a bit too honest, and she fidgeted a little, looking at her hands. The nailpolish she'd put on with Gwen and Molly was chipped and messy from practice, and she'd have to fix it. She didn't want either of them thinking badly of her. Well, Molly seemed a little more easygoing, but she wanted them both to like her and not feel let down. The only time she'd scored a goal had been when she'd been hit by a bludger immediately before. Maybe that helped?

"I think you're really good at it," Renata said, kindly. He'd certainly played a lot better than she had, for one thing. She didn't know him well, but she knew Sky was friends with him, and she saw that he worked hard in classes and in training. There was something up, though, and she knew it wasn't her place to pry. She did want to get to know him more and maybe be his friend, though. Especially if they were playing together on the team. "But...sometimes it's hard to enjoy yourself?" She offered, gently. "Sorry, you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to," she quickly added, turning her head to look at him. "I know we don't really know each other very well." She shuffled back in her seat, pulling a knee to her chest and resting her chin on it, looking straight ahead once again. Her expression was a little blank, lips for once not upturned into a smile. It was a little more relaxing this way.

 

[Leonardo Orr]

Leonardo frowned at her kind words and shook his head lightly. He'd never exactly been one for compliments, and it felt unearned from Renata, especially with how he'd played in the practice—certainly not good enough. Leonardo knew he could do well, that he was capable of being better, that he should aim to get better at it. It was the thing he was best at, but there was still always room for improvement, and that meant he wasn't very good at it. He could do better than he had, he just had to work harder.

Leonardo considered her words, her offer that was an answer to his point. It was perhaps true. He didn't know how to enjoy himself, he wasn't sure he'd ever actively enjoyed himself, but it only added to his problem. He liked quidditch, why didn't he enjoy himself then? Was there something just wrong with him? There had to be a reason for why his mind was like this. ”It's okay…. I started it,” he replied with a serious tone. He tried to lighten it by smiling, but he couldn't bring himself to manage it. He didn't know Renata well, and perhaps this was too deep a discussion for two people who didn't know each other all that well. ”I'm Leonardo, Leo,” he introduced, he was sure she already knew his name, in the way he knew hers, but that was how people got to know each other. He reached to his bag, and from the bottom of it pulled out of the last year's remaining yuleball cards. His method by which Leo usually got dates for the yuleball. It had his name, his average grade and the fact he was a quidditch player on it. He held it out to Renata. ”This is me,” ​

 

[Renata Stepanova]

Renata had meant what she said - but anyone would've done better in training than her. Even Jordie, who seemed to not really need to do much except just let the two of them train. Quietly, she hoped he'd still give the game his all, even if his boyfriend was playing on the other team. She knew she could play better than she had, though, and she needed to prove herself worthy. Even if she wasn't expecting to play Quidditch professionally after school, or wasn't looking to do it, she still felt desperate to keep her spot. To prove that she wasn't useless.

She was surprised by the card, but took it in her hands, looking it over. It seemed very...to the point. Name, grades, quidditch. A very cursory look at who he was without actually saying anything about his personality. Or perhaps saying that his personality was fixed on achievement or grades? Still, Renata wasn't going to say anything bad about it, it was still well done. She slipped one into her pocket with a nod. "Nice to properly meet you, Leo," she said. "Um, do you prefer Leonardo or Leo?" she added, not wanting to be too rude, despite the personal questions before. "I'm Renata, and I'm..." she started, biting her lip as she faltered. She could practically hear the words finishing that sentence. Dead weight. Useless. Pathetic. A disgrace to the family. Talentless. A waste of space. She took a deep breath, closing her eyes and forcing a smile. "...just me. Your average girl." Her shoulders dropped a little as she exhaled, letting out a breath she didn't know she was holding in. "I...hope we can become friends."

 

[Leonardo Orr]

Leonardo shrugged a little at the question, ”My friends call me Leo,” he replied. He hadn't ever really considered it. He was fine with people referring to him by either name, it was not something he minded. Those he was closer too did seem to refer to him as Leo and then Leonardo was what his grandfather called him and his father whenever he was around, which hadn't been for a long while. He looked at her as she introduced herself too, seemingly hesitating about what to say. He was a little surprised when she kept the card, having half expected her to give it back. It was particularly good as something to hand to people.

It fit a purpose, but he knew not everyone like that. Leonardo wasn't sure what to make of her statement, of just being an average girl, but he didn't know anything about her or one could even begin to evaluate being an average or non-average. He tried to smile at her statement, but it was forced and faded quickly. ”We can be friends,” Leonardo told her, it was said with a serious tone, he wanted to be light-hearted about it, that they could be friends and being friends was good, but he didn't manage that at all. ​

 

[Renata Stepanova]

Renata nodded, though she wasn't sure that answered the question - at least in terms of what she could call him, anyway. She certainly didn't want to be rude to him or upset him in any way. That would be another reason for her to get booted from the team, plus they were classmates and it would make things uncomfortable if he hated her. She thought about it for a second, before giggling, unable to help herself. "I feel like we have to be, right? Jordie would be upset if we weren't." She knew Jordie looked out for both of them, in his way. Renata didn't know how much, exactly, but she thought he saw himself as something of a big brother figure to both of them, as the team chasers. If the games this year were anything like last year's, though, they didn't really have to work together much. The games would be over before they even knew what was happening. Renata looked back away, her smile fading. She thought about how her grandfather coached her to befriend students with status, and yelled at her when she failed. "Sky too, probably. Though you, um, don't need to feel...obligation," she quickly added. Leonardo was a difficult person to read, but perhaps it was just because he was very guarded. Everyone had different ways of dealing with things and some people were far less social than others. Renata decided she ought to change the subject, and instead turned it back to Quidditch. "Um...have you played Quidditch for very long?"

 

[Leonardo Orr]

Leonardo could agree that Jordie would probably want them to be friends. He just seemed like the type, and really Leo had nothing against them being friends. He thought it would be something easy enough for them, so long as Renata wouldn't mind how awkward he could actually be. Leo knew this was probably showing it. But she'd have to get use to this being his only default. It took him a second to remember that Sky was Harmony, but he shook his head. ”I'd like to be your friend, Renata,” he said, hoping that she never felt like this was from obligation. He didn't exactly have many friends, so any new ones were pretty welcome. He gave a little shrug, ”Officially since second year. But my grandfather had me learn it before school, largely just without brooms,” he replied, there was no fondness in his tone as he talked about his grandfather or about being taught. Just his usual plain and simple facts. ”You?” perhaps she had been playing at her last school. ​

 

[Renata Stepanova]

Renata frankly didn't mind that Leo wasn't exactly a warm or talkative person. It was just who he was, she figured, from what she'd noticed so far. She wondered if he was a bit more open underneath but if not that was okay too. Her father was very quiet and stoic, though he showed affection in deeds as opposed to words. She remembered the story that he'd fallen helplessly for her mother so young and had set about proving himself to her, and was quietly amused. "That must have been odd," she said at the comment about learning without brooms. "I guess like a weird muggle sport?" Renata knew about some muggle sports, mostly football. Her nonno liked them. It seemed to be more kicking than throwing though.

"I..." she started, fidgeting with her skirt as she thought how best to answer. "We moved a lot...and then when we stayed with my father's family we didn't have the money for brooms..." she admitted. It wasn't something to be proud of, as such, and it wasn't as though she had completely gone without. They had just never really had the money to spend on other things. Like having ball dresses, or brooms. "I learned a little at my old school, but they never let me play..." Renata reddened, wondering if that was a bit too earnest. She didn't need to explain why, at least. "But I practiced by myself, so um, I can almost keep up with you and Jordie!" She quickly added, not wanting Leo to think she thought she was better than anyone, as she knew she wasn't. Just good enough to be included, she hoped.

 

[Leonardo Orr]

Leonardo gave a little shrug, it wasn't too odd. Certainly, it had been a creative way for him to learn the positions and attempt to get better. It had ended with a lot of quaffles and faux bludgers thrown at him, but he was better at quidditch now for it. The hufflepuff gave a little shrug, ”It was probably most like rugby,” he replied, he only knew muggle sports, but his grandfather had been interested in them. He wondered if she was interested.

Leonardo nodded to her words, not giving any indication either way about he felt about what she was saying, no sympathy or pity for her not having been able to afford a broom. He thought it weird that her last school wouldn't let her play quidditch. ”You should practice with us, Jordie helps me out, you should join us,” Leonardo offered. He'd need to clear it with Jordie, but he was sure the other boy wouldn't mind, in any case, they were chasers together, working together. It made sure to spend more time together practising even if the team was not. ​

 

[Renata Stepanova]

"Oh, I've heard of rugby," Renata said, nodding slowly in recognition. She knew it was played in New Zealand, as well as in Italy. Her nonno had mentioned it once or twice. Though she didn't know anything about the game so maybe it was like Quidditch but without brooms. And probably without the golden snitch. "I guess that does make sense."

She shrugged a little at the next statement, looking back at her shoes a little shyly. No one at Durmstrang had thought she was worth playing with. "Although if the games are like last year all we need to do is look pretty on brooms for a minute, hm?" she said, lightly, shaking her head. It almost felt like they didn't need to show up. But she needed them. "But...that would be nice. If that would be okay," she said, carefully, not wanting to make the elation that bubbled up at being included too obvious. "I could learn a lot from the two of you."

 

[Leonardo Orr]

Leonardo just gave a little nod as she'd said she'd heard of rugby, she didn't offer too much else for it, so he didn't either. Just nodding and then being gland to them move on. He shrugged, the last few games had been rather short, but he didn't think this was too bad, at least he never embarrassed himself in front of everyone. The hufflepuff was sure that Jordie wouldn't mind Renata being there, and it would be good to include her in it. "We can learn from you too, be a better team of chasers," he replied very plainly, thinking it very obvious that they could all learn from each other if they were out playing together, practicing just together. "I'll speak to Jordie and let you know when we're next meeting," he told her. ​