Past Ghosts

[Zander Ellison]

Zander could not explain where his life was currently sitting, ever since the move to New Zealand things had been steady and quiet, the only new thing was Sanctuari, and he liked her being around, despite all this, and how good he thought having Sanctuari in his life might be, he didn't think he was getting any happier, he assumed that he'd just been missing a girl in his life or just love in his life, but he didn't yet love her, and no matter how much she was in his life, things didn't seem to be any better, he still struggled to sleep at night, he took naps during the day and he struggled to pull himself out of the house to do things, things as simple as taking his daughter to school. The man wasn't doing well, and he was unsure how to fix any of it, there appeared no help for him because at the end of it, he assumed that both of the current people in his life would leave and the mere thought of that wasn't fun for him. He wished that he'd never met Sanctuari because he didn't want to have to get over her when she inevitably left him like all the others in his life had eventually done, but then he knew that her in his life was a positive thing, even if he couldn't really feel it yet.

The man groaned heavily when at around midday the doorbell rang, he had been awoken from a brief nap, he'd barely slept a wink that night, thoughts of his daughter who was going to be going on a camping trip pretty soon had filled his mind with worry and he'd barely slept, spending most of the time curled up on his bed trying desperately to get even a few hours sleep but nothing had come, after a walk taking his daughter to school, Zander had returned home, curled up on the couch with his work in front of him but just lay curled in the blanket, eventually breaking down into tears without much warning and eventually falling asleep. The knock of the door had woken him up with a start and he ran a hand tiredly through his hair, he wiped his eyes with the back of his palm wiping his face with the sleeve of the jumper before finally going to the door to see who it was. Over the years since the first of his siblings had left, Zander had always been over worked, doing as much as he could to provide for the family and ensure that all his siblings were well looked after, but now with only two mouths to feed he still looked like the entire world sat heavily on his shoulders, he looked tired, world weary but mostly his expression was blank, no hint of happiness or joy reached any part of his expression, but nothing in it indicated that he was sad either, his expression was as numb as he felt.

The man took in a long and shaky breath before opening the door and plastering his best fake smile to whomever it might be, but it faded the instant he noticed who it was, "Jamie?" he couldn't believe she stood in front of him, Zander thought he was dreaming, thought he was a horrid nightmare where she turned up and then he got so elated at seeing her only to wake up and realise she like every single other one of his siblings was still gone, he opened his mouth to say more but instead just shook his head walking away from the door. Not bothering to close it or invite her in, just wandering back to his sofa and sitting down in it, wrapping the blanket around him again much like a small child would, he just decided he would sit until he woke up and she was no longer there.
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[Jamie Holgersson]

Jamie was a young adult these days, fully grown up but with a bright spirit. She had finished her schooling at Durmstrang after attending Hogwarts New Zealand for awhile and then being Home Schooled. Her life had been chaotic growing up and far from the normal life of a child. But she came out alright at the end and now was training to be a dragon trainer. It made her laugh when she thought about the phrasing of that. She had to be trained in order to train. Shaking her head of her thoughts she paused outside the door she knew as her big brother's house. She hadn't seen him in awhile, having been so focused on her own career goals. She knew it was time to see Zander and she was excited. Her older brother had been the one to raise her from the ground up. Him and Mara, who was dead now, were the only parents she really knew her entire life.

Raising her hand, Jamison rang the door bell and waited. As it took longer for him to answer the smile on her face faded. She wondered what he was up to, he could be out with their niece Mara's kid. But she was sure that he'd be in at this point in the day. She then tried knocking on the door, wondering if the door bell was actually working or not. Her big brother opened the door and seemed shocked to see her there, she knew she should have written him. But the trip to New Zealand had been a spur of the moment decision, missing her dear older brother and niece. "Yes, it's me," she replied to her older brother excited at seeing him. But she was put off when it became apparent he wasn't as excited to see her. She wondered if she had down something wrong by him. She tried to write, but any owls that she kept around kept catching on fire and dying. Her brother disappeared into the darkness of his house and she followed him in closing the door behind her. It was quiet in the house, she wondered if that was weird for him. Having had so many siblings running around the house for years, now it was just the two. "Zander?" She called out as she approached the couch. "I'm really here, Alezander. I'm sorry if I woke you, I would've thought you'd be excited to see me though," the teen girl said to her big brother.

 

[Zander Ellison]

Zander couldn't believe who was at his door, who was currently entering his home as if nothing had happened, but Zander didn't feel any anger towards her, if anything he felt a deep sense of gratitude towards her because unlike the rest of them she'd come back. Perhaps she was just visiting, he knew that most children left the nest and occasionally returned, but the issue wasn't so much that she was back, but more that it had been so long without even a word that he had assumed her like the rest and knew that if ever she needed anything he'd do it for her, but other than that he didn't know how to be around her any more. The reply of confirmation did nothing to ease his tired and overwhelmed mind. He wasn't excited to see her, he didn't think this trip would bring anything to it, he hadn't seen her in so long and he'd spent so many years just him and Abby he didn't know what she was doing there. He didn't know Jamie any more and he had played a part in raising her, after their parents had died and the burden had fallen so heavily on Zander's young shoulders he had just done what he had to, but dealing with anything had been undesirable, he hadn't had the time to be sad, he hadn't had the time to mourn the loss of his parents with his large family suddenly needing the boy to step up, and though he had, Zander had gotten almost nothing back from any of them. Raising Jamie and the youngest Tyler had been good up until they had like others up and left without another word and he'd just been left alone with a baby and a bone weary heaviness.

The quiet house was just how he was used to it, and it was strange to hear her voice through it, so used to just Abby's or Sanctuari's, she sounded much like she once had, but older, more mature and Zander didn't even want to think about all she'd been through in the years away from him, where he had been unable to help or protect her. Instead of responding however he just wrapped the blanket tighter around him and felt himself sigh heavily at her statement, "I am," he replied instantly though his tone couldn't be called convincing, "I am happy to see you," he repeated with more forced certainty in his voice, clear that he didn't actually feel this way about it. The man ran a hand through his hair and met her gaze finding the same girl from all those years before staring back at him, so many questions sat on his lips, he wanted to know everything about her life, to just find out everything he could about this girl who now sat in front of him. He rubbed his eyes tiredly hunching forward which made it almost appear as though a heavy invisible weight sat on his shoulders, Zander stood up, folding up the blanket and just meeting Jamie's gaze with a forced smile fleetingly sitting on his lips, "Tea or coffee?" he asked before heading into the kitchen and motioning for her to follow, "How are you Jamie?" he opted for neutral subjects that they could both talk about with much of a thought.
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[Jamie Holgersson]

Zander wasn't being himself, not nearly at all Jamie determined as soon as he started to talk again. Her older brother had always been the source of her happiness when she had been a kid, now it seemed as though a dementor had gotten to him and sucked out all the happiness inside. She wasn't sure just coming into his house if this was an every day sort of emotional drought or if something bigger was happening in Zander's life. Sitting on a chair across her old brother who had wrapped himself up in a blanket on the couch, the teen began to question everything little thing in her mind. She didn't think he'd be angry with her, it had been apparent after all the deaths and craziness that a real school would have been better for her than being home schooled by him. She wasn't sure how to act now around her older brother. She wondered if another sibling had killed themselves or died accidentally and he was dreading to tell her.

"You know me, I'm always a tea girl," Jamison said as she followed her brother further into his house. There were pieces her that had been their parents, it made it really feel like home. "I'm fine, doing pretty well actually. I've been assigned a pretty decent Welsh Green. He got my leg once, but I think we're doing better now," she told her brother as they entered into the kitchen area of his house. Looking around she still didn't see her young niece and wondered where the girl had gone to. "How are you Zander? Really, how are you?" She asked in return crossing her arms at her brother. She was pretty sure that she wasn't going to believe him whatever he said. She had a feeling something was wrong in Zander's life or himself, something. But she had a feeling he was just trying to hide whatever was up. But Jamie always had big eyes that took everything in. This Zander was not the same brother who had been there supporting and teaching her.

 

[Zander Ellison]

There was nothing in his mind which had prepared him for this return, he barely knew how to deal with the normal things happening in his life and this curve ball which a few years back he would've given anything to have and yet now, he couldn't even bring himself to smile at her properly. Zander had always wanted his siblings to come back, even once to just visit and tell him they were okay but he couldn't this wasn't happening like he'd imagined, or hoped it would he couldn't bring himself to be happy about it. At most he relieved that she wasn't dead, he didn't know how else he would take another death, he had to focus on his daughter on making sure she was okay and he couldn't do that if his youngest sibling was in his house all of a sudden returned after just so long of being gone. Zander was at least pleased when she accepted the tea and he was able to just focus on doing that, he knew that this house wasn't much unlike their old home back in england but to Zander it was nothing but a harmful echo of all he had lost. Every time he saw Mara's old favourite mug, or his parents wine glass set, or even the baby cups he still had from when Jamie and Tyler had been young children.

Zander couldn't remember if Jamie was a tea girl, but he just nodded at it, and figured that this was just a bit of information he had left out when she had left to never return, and he had clearly just pushed it out of his mind. As he went through the motions he knew really well, the man listened to her story about what she did, and found it fascinating, Zander hadn't wanted to do what he did, working with insurance was hardly the career path he had desired when he'd been at school but he had no other options now and with people to look after at every turn of his life since his parents death it had been a long time ago that he'd realised he was never going to complete a single one of his dreams, it made him almost jealous that was at least pursuing something she was interested in. The man rubbed his face tiredly as he finished preparing the tea, for the moment ignoring the question and ignoring the second part, he just turned and handed her some tea, "We can sit at this table, or sit out back?" he motioned behind him, again there was little joy or eagerness in his tone and he didn't even attempt to smile, just keeping his face neutral with a clear heaviness indicating how the pressures of the world seemed to be getting to him, "Abby's at school right now, if you'll stick around until this afternoon, I'm sure she'll be happy to see you," he told her, the thought and speaking of Abby and how happy his daughter would be to see her, brought the first hints of real smile to Zander's tired face.
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[Jamie Holgersson]

Jamison wasn't sure what was wrong with her brother. She wondered and was making guesses in her head, but she wasn't a healer she wasn't for sure about anything she was guessing. She was glad to hear that her niece was in school, she felt right now Zander wasn't in a proper state of mind to be homeschooling again like he had in England. She wondered what happened to that girlfriend, the one from England. But Zander moved on or maybe he was upset from their breakup now. He didn't answer her question about how he was, rather ignored it. That troubled Jamie, she knew he was always the dad role but she didn't think he should be hiding things from her, she was an adult now. "Tyler's almost done with school now. Bet you're proud of him right?" Jamie said as she sat down in a chair that was right in front of her. It was clear to her that Zander didn't care where they ended up. So she choose the shortest route to a sit he offered and picked the kitchen table.

Jamie sipped her tea, drinking it black. With the way Zander was acting, it reminded her of her dragon. He had been going through a rough time once they separated the dragon from it's mother. That's when Jamie had come in, the dragon didn't want to be friendly with her and it took awhile to get the thing on her side. Almost a year she had been working with the dragon till it finally was nice to her upon seeing her. "I'm sorry for letters being few and far between from me since school. Sending owls out from a dragon sanctuary can be dangerous for the owls and the dragons. They told me I needed to take a break from my dragon for awhile, so that we don't get too bonded to each other. So if it's alright with you if I stay a week or so? You're the only family member that I know where you're at, well besides Tyler, but I can't just go off to his school and live in his trunk," she told her older brother. "Have you seen a doctor recently?" Jamie asked her older brother. She wasn't sure what his mood swing would be like, if he'd have one at all. But she knew she could just chime it to be for a yearly regular doctor's visit. But she was sure this wasn't the same brother she had always known.

 

[Zander Ellison]

Zander hadn't always known what Jamie would be, though he'd always assumed it would be something great, and boy was he proud of her and all she had completed, but it hurt to have her here, he was so glad to see her, but he couldn't deal with it, he couldn't wrap his head around the fact she stood in his kitchen with him. At the question about Tyler Zander seemed to almost hunch more, his expression fell, showing a small moment of regret on his usually blank features. There was little he wanted more than to here from the boy, the boy that he had raised from a baby, it hurt bad when Tyler had just gone to a friends for the holidays and never returned, the boy never thought to send any letters and he never told him anything, Zander was as clueless to what he was doing than to any of his other siblings. Jamie was the first to have left and then to also return, but regardless of how he felt he nodded, and followed Jamie to sit down at the kitchen table, "So proud," he said, and while there was a definite truth in his voice, interlaced with it was a vague uncertainty.

Zander sipped his tea slowly, breathing in the steam as he did so, letting his gaze linger on the tea cup and the stain he could see on the rim of it. The man just listened along with what she was saying and at the question he looked up suddenly, unable to stop himself from doing so, she wanted to stay with him, for a week or so. Of course there was the space for her and Zander knew that Abby would be pleased but he couldn't help but wonder if he would manage it, he knew that there was something wrong, he could feel it. There was a heaviness in his chest, his constant tiredness which didn't help him sleep at night, or the days he spent curled up on the couch while lightly napping as Abby was at school. The fact that a lot of the time he did cry himself to sleep, that he woke up either in the morning or at night feeling pathetic and like the day wasn't worth the effort. Other than being careful around Abby and Sanctuari the man didn't have to be for anything else, but regardless of this he nodded, he couldn't turn Jamie down after all, he loved her, his baby sister, "Of course you can," he replied with a nod, letting his gaze just settle on her, letting his mind settle and realise that he was actually going to be spending time with someone he never thought he'd see again.

"A doctor?" he repeated before shaking his head, "For myself or for Abby?" he asked, feeling that she was asking about him and that maybe she thought something was wrong and to attempt to settle her nerves he reached forward to take her hand, a slight hesitation as he did so, "I'm fine Jamie, really, just a little tired, it's difficult being a single parent, and even though I'm older it doesn't get easier," he assured her and though he was trying his best, the tone he had likely wasn't as comforting as he was sure he intended it to be, "Please just tell me about what's happening with you,"
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[Jamie Holgersson]

Jamie had always been a very independent girl, she hadn't needed much in life. The only thing she required was someone to look up to, someone who she wanted to be life. It had always been Zander for her. As long as she could remember, there had been this bond with her older brother that she thought would never break. But it seemed to her that something did break when she hadn't returned after finishing school. "Right," she said as her fingers held fast on to her cup of tea. She was sure that if she was a more emotional type of girl the cup would be broken from her hands gripping it too hard. But she controlled herself enough that she was able to sip from her cup instead. She wondered what made Zander so lacking in the vibrancy he used to have. She wondered if it had anything to do with his old girlfriend in England, the muggle. At least Jamie thought the girl had been a muggle, she had been to young to care who the girl was, just that her brother had seemed to like her a lot.

"Thanks, I appreciate it," Jamison said in reply to her brother's agreement in letting her stay at his house. She wondered if she had maybe caught him on a bad day. She was planning on watching him while she was there to see if his weird attitude was just from sleeping bad the night before, or if it seemed more serious. She wished now that she had become a healer, or had healer friends that could help her. She wasn't sure what was wrong with him. He seemed very off and she wondered again if Abby noticed the change in him as well. It couldn't be good for him to be this way around his daughter. She huffed at the thought of Abby being his daughter, she knew the truth of it, it was their sister's kid. Just another of the Valentine family who died. She hadn't become anyone else's daughter when her parents had died. No, she remained her brother's sister, his charge. Abby got to grow up being able to call a living person Dad.

"An annual check-up. You know schools, they always pass around germs and Abby could be bringing things into the house. I think I'll call the hospital tomorrow for a check-up for all of us," Jamie said trying to relieve any tension in the subject. She noticed how her brother got defensive to the idea of it. But she was set on them going, she also hoped that this attitude of his did not show itself in Abby as well. This sad and lowly attitude, it was like her brother was depressed. "I've told you most of it, already. No love life, just a dragon, few friends, causal life."

 

[Zander Ellison]

There was nothing Zander wanted to do more than just tell her no, but he couldn't, he had to be himself which required him to act as normal or as himself as he could but there was an issue with that, more that since she had last seen him much had changed and Zander was not the same person that he had been when she'd left. The man was just certain that no matter what happened he was just going to be pretending the entire time she was here that he was just fine, that nothing was wrong, which he knew was going to be hard, with only Abby to worry about he could lie on the couch all day, and slowly get things done, he could curl up on his bed at night and just stare at the wall, with magic protecting the sound from leaving without having to worry about anyone perhaps walking in, but he didn't know what Jamie would be like, she had always been a little more outspoken and concerned about him, perhaps it was just her age at the time of their parents death, where others older were mostly looking out for themselves, she had been at the age to show concern for him, to give him a little more time of day rather than just brushing right over him and anything he might be feeling, but they were much further on, and Zander knew he was in a different place now.

Of course it made sense to him as she described it that he should visit the doctor that he should probably go for more check ups than he did, but the man was so afraid of going at this point, whatever there was something wrong with him and they tried to take Abby from him, a part of seemed to realise how irrational that really was but the other part of him couldn't not think about it, couldn't not think that that was to be the outcome of going to a hospital, of getting a check up, because Zander was under no illusions that everything with him was fine. But instead of just losing it with Jamie like he might've if say, Sanctuari had said something of the sort when they'd first met but instead he just sipped on the tea, clearly really easily washing it down, "It's okay Jamie, Abby gets her check ups, and I'm fine, trust me, if something was wrong I'd go straight to the doctors," he was lying about the latter half of the sentence, "You've just caught me on an off day, we all have those," he tried to reassure her with those words, and when she claimed there was nothing else to add, he felt almost let done by that fact, nothing else to report, "Everything's good with you? Don't need any extra money or help?" Zander asked really hoping that everything was alright with her, and that she was doing fine, after all that was what he hoped for all his siblings, though more specifically with the ones he'd raised, "I'm kind of seeing someone right now, we're not officially, you'll really like her," he didn't say that it wasn't the same woman as she'd last known, he thought the fact he hadn't mentioned her, or said, remember her. But Zander was hoping that talking about Sanctuari and who he was seeing would result in him being more like to not have to think about the coming week with Jamie and make it a little easier for him to really pretend like everything was really okay, "Abby likes her,"
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[Jamie Holgersson]

Jamie sighed as her brother denied her even though she could just sense that something was wrong and that it wasn't just an off day. "Yeah I guess we do all have off days. If I had an off day, I could easily die. Guess you're lucky enough to spend an off day in your own house," she said looking around. She was annoyed with her older brother but she was trying to not let it fully get to her. She could tell something was wrong with him, Zander had never been the sort to see her and then crawl onto a couch. She hadn't even seen anyone act like he did. Well, their crazy sister, but she didn't think Zander was anything like her. "What happened to the girl from England?" She asked, never having been very involved in her older brother's love life when she was child. Now she was an adult fully able to drink legally in New Zealand and everything. She was fully able to butt herself into her older brother's life and not care if she was being nosy.

Zander was different than she remembered, she was sure she was old enough now that she didn't have to blindly follow his word on everything. "Abby likes most people she meets. I guess she gets that from me," Jamie said with a smile trying to bring the conversation back from her slip up of attitude she had been giving her older brother. She figured she could give it a day or two to see if his attitude improves. Meanwhile, she figured she'd do some research into the symptoms he was showing. She wasn't a Doctor, and she was wishing now that she knew someone who could figure out what was wrong with her brother.

 

[Zander Ellison]

Zander didn't much like the way that Jamie had been taking about her own off day, and he visibly shuddered at the thought of her having an off day and dying, he was in his own home, he wasn't at any risk of dying, but he wasn't sure she had needed to say such a thing, and didn't see why, "Yeah," he just muttered and brought the tea to his lips and just sipped at the hot drink, and he shook his head at the question, he had hoped that she wouldn't ask about it, the girl probably remember Peyton, they had gotten along pretty well so he knew that likely she wanted to know what had happened because she hadn't been around when it had happened, "She left," the man replied with a small shrug he didn't much want to go into the details about what had happened, it didn't matter any more, he had moved on, he was beyond wasting his hours thinking about her. He was beyond wasting his time wondering what might have been with her, what they might've become. Zander didn't want to talk about it and he hoped that Jamie would respect that, although she was an adult now, and he was just her brother she had the right to ask him such things.

Zander put his tea down on the table and rubbed his arm slightly, nodding at the statement, "She does doesn't she," he smiled, a real smile graced his lips as he thought of her, of his daughter, the open and caring nature that she was. How friendly she was to all the people that she met, how caring she was to all of those people in her school, and in the places that he took her, on the few occasions when Zander managed to get out of the house with her, "She's doing really well in school, and showing signs of magic," he told Jamie, finding it so much easier to talk about his daughter than anything else, though the real smile had slipped away and had been replaced with one that was more than a little forced, but he still looked more at ease discussing his daughter than anyone else, it was easier to talk about her than it was to talk about him, "Do you want to take your stuff up to the bedroom?" he asked Jamie as he stood up, leaving the half drunk tea, he didn't yet know how he was going to deal with her, but Zander had always been a one step at a time guy, so this would be no different.
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[Jamie Holgersson]

Zander didn't give any real detail to the last girlfriend she had met of his. Just a plain simple answer that left her mind to still wander about looking for an actual reason. She had still been young when Zander was with that last girl, maybe 13 or 14 so she knew it was time for him to find another woman. Jamison peered at her brother over her teacup as she sipped on it slightly wondering if the woman had anything to do with how poorly her brother was acting. But it didn't seem likely, if anything Zander seemed to pick up a little in his attitude when he talked about the new woman. He seemed the most lively when he talked about Abby, which Jamie knew wasn't something that was hard to do. Abby was such a bright child full of energy and could make even the angriest person on the planet smile with happiness. "Do you hate me Zander? For going off to school instead of continuing home schooling?" She asked her eldest brother as he stood up from his chair.

Never once had Jamison seen her brother react in the ways he was that day. She hadn't really been out of his life for very long. Just a few years ago she was coming home from school on breaks and staying with him. It was only recently where she found herself unable to visit. And that was because she found a job, a job in a remote part of the world with creatures that needed a fair bit of bonding with before you could go away for a long period of time. She was glad she got to do something that thrilled her everyday. But she did regret leaving behind Zander. She knew he had given up his own life for the sake of her and her siblings. So much had happened in their family over the years she wouldn't be surprised if his mind began to play tricks on him. Making him sad or even depressed. Depressed, there it was. The word she had been looking for to describe her older brother. "Are you depressed?" She asked quietly, her tone guarded not wanting to let emotions get mixed him that could make his own emotions get triggered.

 

[Zander Ellison]

The question she asked him, floored Zander, how could she ask that of him, how could she think that he did, Zander loved Jamie, he wanted her to achieve everything in the world why would she think he hated her. Rationally in his mind he knew she had left with good reason and he was proud of her for doing so but the man had never once thought he could hate her for it, after all, he was just so proud of everything she had achieve, the only issue he had was with the fact that she had just kind of left. But Zander knew it was his fault for being too needy, too protective, he wanted his family close because they were all he had, he didn't have friends any more, he didn't have a job he would give up the world for, he only had his siblings and watching each one of them leave without a word had really made him question, if it was more that he was the issue rather than it just being that they were off achieving things on their own, more so than it just being his family deciding, rightly so that their dreams were important and at that, it didn't in the slightest explain why none of them could write, or tell him how they were doing.

Zander shook his head at her, almost angry at the statement, "How could you ask that of me?" he said to her, "Of course I don't, I've only ever wanted you to achieve all of your dreams," the man told her, it was a tone verging on desperation, of needing to just have her understand that he didn't hate her, that he could, he thought of her much like how he thought of Abby, like his daughter. The second thing she asked, he just shook his head, if he was honest Zander had begun to think that something might actually be wrong, but he really doubted it, he was dealing just fine and if it was something he might need medication, he might lose Abby. Zander knew he was dealing, knew he was coping with it all, he didn't need anything, he didn't need people thinking something was wrong with him when it very clearly was just a little bout of sadness, "I'm fine Jamie, please, it's just been hard," Zander felt close to pleading with her to stop, "It's just tiring, raising a child and I'm alone in doing it, I'm just alone in it all,"
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