Closed Nothing Without You

[Jingyi Huang]

It was needless to say that the break had felt incredibly awkward since Xinyi had announced that he wasn't coming back to Hogwarts for a year and was transferring somewhere else. Jingyi didn't know how he was supposed to take that news. Was he supposed to be pleased about it? The whole idea of his brother being at another school just didn't sit right in his head somehow. What would happen if Xinyi was bullied? It wasn't easy being the new kid, especially joining when you were older and people already had friend groups. Jingyi wouldn't be around to protect him anymore. And sure, while he hadn't needed to use his fists for some time, he would still quite happily punch anyone who was mean to his brother.

That morning was especially awkward when Jingyi's Hogwarts supply list arrived and his brothers did not. It just reminded him further that his twin was not going to be there next year. Awkwardly Jingyi's fingers curled around the sheet of paper before his gaze shifted to his brother. "What school are you even going to?" Xinyi hadn't really shared many of the details with him. Maybe he thought that he wouldn't care.

 

[Xinyi Huang]

Xinyi had been quietly reserved- more so than usual- distancing himself from his siblings. He had his own notebook out, going over his checklist he'd made for the new school year. He was going to be on his own, so he'd decided to finally just give in and honestly pursue his art and his own interests. He'd been trying too hard for too long to earn his brothers love, and finally... Xinyi had just accepted that Jingyi would most likely always hate him.

That's why he was surprised then, when his brother brought up a conversation, and he looked up from where he was sitting cross legged on his bed. "Hogwarts, the Scotland chapter," He answered softly, looking back down to his list. "I'll be fine," He added, thinking Jingyi would only be worried about any potential bullying. He nodded to his brothers trunk. "I went through your textbooks already, and took notes on things I knew wouldn't interest you."

 

[Jingyi Huang]

As soon as Xinyi told him where he was going, Jingyi instantly made a face. "Well, what's the point of that? You're leaving one Hogwarts just to go to another! Aren't they basically the same?" Maybe he would understand if it was Illvermorny and Beauxbatons or something. But he was just going to Hogwarts and, somehow, that news just hurt Jingyi even more. Did his brother think that no one wanted him around or something? Sure, they might not be the closest siblings in the world, but that didn't mean that JIngyi didn't want him going to the same school or anything.

Instantly his shoulders shifted when his brother mentioned he'd already been through his trunk and taken notes. "You didn't have to do that..." sure, he had been worrying about struggling because he couldn't be bothered to take his own notes, but at least he hadn't asked for any help.

 

[Xinyi Huang]

Xinyi hesitated at his brothers reaction, struggling to find the right words for a moment. He decided to reply to the other response first, swallowing nervously. "It was no trouble, I'll be back next year." He spoke gently. "I know you struggle to focus, I was just... helping," He shrugged, not thinking much of it. He rubbed his neck, letting out a soft sigh and looking away. "It- it's fine, you won't notice I'm gone." He offered, the tiniest hint of sadness in his voice. He knew where he stood with his brother, but it was fine. Xinyi was used to it. "You- you'll have a better time of it, anyway, I won't- I won't be in your way," He shifted, moving the rest of his things that he needed into his own trunk and shutting the lid, just trying to keep busy.

 

[Jingyi Huang]

No matter what Xinyi said about it, the whole 'transfer' thing just didn't make sense in his head. And it also sucked that his parents seemed to think this was a good idea in the first place. Why had they let him go and not tried to stop him? "You know I can survive without your notes, right?" sure they helped a lot, but Jingyi was sure he could still manage. He'd probably struggle more and get worse grades, but he would be fine. But what his twin said next did stop Jingyi in his tracks, unable to find the words as he watched Xinyi shuffle about with his own trunk. "Won't... notice," he just repeated, slowly finding his words as he straightened. "And why the hell do you think I won't notice? Getting in my way? When have you ever gotten in my way? We might not be best friends or whatever, but you're still my brother and I actually do care. And for your information, the next year is actually going to suck without having you around." While they might not have hung out much during the school year, having his brother next to him in the classroom and in the dorm room was almost a bit of comfort.

 

[Xinyi Huang]

Xinyi winced as his brother commented on the notes. Of course. Xinyi had been trying to help, and again, he'd messed it up. He just sighed softly. This was why he was getting away. He hesitated as Jingyi continued on, looking a bit confused and shaking his head. "Just... give it some time, you'll be fine," He offered. He didn't think his brother would care, not really. He sighed, trying to keep his hands busy by refolding some of his clothes. "I know you hate me, okay? I'm nothing but a burden. If I'm not around, you won't have to bother looking out for me. I know I've been holding you back. I tried to be better, I stopped drawing, tried to keep a low profile. I can keep to myself enough now that nothing will happen. I'll be out of your hair and you can actually have fun at school without me there to drag you down," He explained quietly, but easily, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You're better off without me."

 

[Jingyi Huang]

The disbelief was quick to cross across his features as Xinyi continued talking. Jingyi couldn't believe what he was hearing right then. Did his brother genuinely think that he hated him? "Xinyi... I...." he didn't know what to say, something uncomfortably squirming in his chest as he shifted his shoulders. "I don't hate you," he managed to get out, voice faltering somewhat, "I've never hated you. If anything, I've been the one holding you back." He swallowed uncomfortably, unable to even look his brother in the eye as he shifted to stare at a spot on the floor. "You're the smart one, you're practically the only reason I manage to pass my classes. You have friends, people who care about you. You're nice. The Professors probably like you better than me. I'm just the troublemaker." And he always would be. Come to think of it, maybe it was better Xinyi was leaving for a year. Maybe now Xinyi could thrive without his useless brother dragging him down.

 

[Xinyi Huang]

Xinyi was surprised to hear his brother talk, peeking up with wide eyes and flushed cheeks. He shook his head, taking a tiny step closer. "What? No, I- you-" He took a deep breath. "I've always looked up to you, you're so- cool, and confident, I-" He rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm not... I'm not worth being your brother... I've always known that. I... the only reason I talked mom and dad into letting me transfer this year was because... because I thought you wouldn't care if I was gone, that you didn't need me... I thought maybe... maybe if I could just- be better... you would love me," He spoke honestly, his voice cracking a few times. He wrapped his arms around himself and stared hard at the ground, his throat tight and his eyes burning with unshed tears.

 

[Jingyi Huang]

Jingyi was rather quick to shake his head from side to side. "I'm not cool. Definitely not confident. Not really, I just... act like I am." The truth was he was pretty insecure about things, his wand even said as much. He just refused to act like things bothered him. It was easier than letting people think that he cared too much. Jingyi hadn't realized that tears were threatening to spill from his eyes until he saw his brother standing there looking like he was about to start crying as well. This was all his fault. He hadn't been a good enough brother. Xinyi genuinely thought that he didn't love him. "This is my fault," he mumbled, hastily rubbing at his eyes with the sleeve of his jumper. "I... I'm sorry. Xinyi, I'm so sorry. This... you think I don't love you?"

 

[Xinyi Huang]

Xinyi's heart was thundering in his chest. He wanted to reach up, wipe his sleeve over Jingyi's face, and for a moment he even brought his hand up a bit. But he dropped it down again, looking away and nodding gently. "...Yes." He admitted gently. "It- it's fine, I- I can't blame you, I- I would hate me, too." He wrapped his arms around himself, biting his lip. "I- I'm weak, too soft, I- I've never been anything but a burden." Xinyi hesitated before walking away and sitting on the edge of his bed, wringing his hands. "I- I'm not worth-" He swallowed hard, willing his voice to stop shaking. "I'm not worth being a part of this family. You're both so- so much better than I am, I'm not- I don't-" He sighed, scrubbing his hand over his face. "I- I'll be better, I'll do better, it- if I could just-" He groaned, tangling his hands in his hair and cursing lightly. "I'm sorry," He whispered, hating how pathetic he was.