Not Anymore

[Rama Mowry]

It was so close to the end of the year for Rama Mowry. Exams were not her best friend, especially since she had been so preoccupied with other things, like detention. The petite girl walked through the dungeons without fear. Rama had never been easy to scare and not much intimidated her. Those traits were what got her in trouble many times and helped her incur so much detention. She hated being at school, but she did not want to go home either. Her father was so disappointed with all of her actions this year. Hezekiah was never going to look at her like she was the innocent child she indeed was before attending Hogwarts New Zealand. Rama's school and home life were wrecks that she did not have the skills to fix. She held the books in her arms closer to her body.

The words they held would not make her emotions falter. Rama regretted everything she had done this year. She regretted letting her father send her hear, and she regretted meeting all the damn professors she had. How come she couldn't be a little nicer? She had to be capable of being nice, everyone was to some extent. Why did she spew out hatred and anger every time she spoke? She was literally eleven. No child should be as angry and defiant as she was. Rama leaned against a wall and slid down.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty had never felt such a stranger in his own mind as he did that morning, bent over a stack of half-marked coursework that seemed to make less sense the longer he scrutinised it. Every desire, every whim, every fear, and every sorrow that had to this day driven the course of his life were revealing themselves to him as nothing more than practices he had adopted to keep him safe, so that he was no longer certain who he really was, or what he truly wanted. And no matter how he withdrew to the quiet subconscious of his mind, no answers there met him. Perhaps, he thought, he wasn't him at all. Had it not been for the unfortunate path he had been thrust down, he might never even have been Montgomery Pendleton. He'd have been Richard Layton, or Pender, or - what did it matter? The point was, he would have been someone else.

Of course, it wasn't all bad. To a degree he liked the man he had become as a result of his past; he was empathetic, and patient, two traits he may never have acquired had it not been for the way things were. But he was also scared, and, now that it had occurred to him that all of the choices he had ever made had been done so in fear, confused. He sighed and pushed the coursework to one side of his desk, admitting temporary defeat. Maybe a walk would help clear his mind. He stood, pulled on his jacket and went out into the corridor, locking his classroom door behind him. A dozen steps later he discerned a small figure sat against the wall, and concern habitually came over him. The dungeons were cold, and hardly an ideal place to rest. As he drew closer he saw that it was Rama, and for a brief moment his heart contracted sharply. He wasn't afraid of the Ravenclaw, per se, but he had reason to feel wary in her presence. Today, however, his concern soon won over his caution, and he came to pause near her. "Rama? Are you all right?" he asked, tentatively.

 

[Rama Mowry]

Rama was not at peace. There was simply too many emotions coursing through her veins. Peace had abandoned her as soon as she walked through Hogwarts doors. The dungeons were dark and cool, which was what Rama preferred. It was much easier for her to think when her mind was not taken elsewhere by bright colors and people. Rama heard a familiar voice and groaned loudly. How could she forget her least favorable professor would be down her? Rama rolled her eyes as she carelessly tossed a book towards the man's feet. "What is it to you anyway?" she asked as she leaned her head against the wall. She was avoiding having to look at the man. Rama would surely insult him if she looked at him.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty considered leaving the girl be and continuing on his way; but how could he? Yes, she had thrown a book at his feet (he'd only just moved out of the way in time), but she had also confirmed in her reply that there was, in fact, something wrong. The Potions Professor lingered a moment, shifting his weight onto the other foot. His approach to this situation mattered a great deal: if he wasn't careful, the next book Rama threw might be at his head, and that wouldn't do. If something was troubling her, she couldn't be feeling as if her professors weren't on her side, or else she'd have no adults to speak to until she returned home for the holidays. And heaven knew talking to one's parents wasn't always the most comforting thought. "Try as you might to stop me, Rama, I care about my pupils. And the last time I checked... that included you," he said, giving her a sorry look for the inconvenience this might cause her. He crouched and picked up the book by his feet, brushing off the dust as he returned to full height. "Shall I leave you?"

 

[Rama Mowry]

Rama refused to apologize for all of her actions towards Professor Pendleton. She did indeed regret her actions, but she would never apologize. The only apologizes she'd give were the ones in the letters she still had yet to give to the man. Rama scoffed when the professor said he cared for all his pupils, even if it meant give one sh!t about her. "You only care out of obligation, not out of genuine concern. Therefore, you don't have to give me that crap." she said as sternly as a first year could. Rama was not evil. She was simply an onion with many layers that were hard to pull apart, and the emotional stress the peeling brought to the surface made it difficult for people to finish the job. Professor Pendleton irritated her. "You're so freaking determined to be friendly with me, and it's annoying. I was hoping you had given up by now." she said while keeping her eyes on the ceiling.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty startled inwardly at the accusation that he cared for Rama only as a fulfilment of obligation. Whilst it was true that as a professor he had a certain duty of care to uphold, it was by no means expected of him to enquire about the well-being of his students; he could quite easily have passed the Ravenclaw by and have suffered no ill consequence for it. But the tone in her voice was familiar, and as she continued he grew at length sympathetic with her troubles. "Is that really what you think?" he asked, holding Rama's book to his ribs and watching her sadly. He moved to the wall against which she sat and leaned back, following her gaze to the dark ceiling. "I'm sorry," he said, and he meant it. But he wasn't quite yet ready to leave. "Although, friendly is a tad optimistic. I was hoping we might settle for an arrangement in which you stop trying to fracture my toes, first." The Professor looked down and smiled. Then his face fell solemn. "Is there some reason you don't want me to care?"

 

[Rama Mowry]

Rama nodded her head. She rarely said what she did not think, which was intentional. It was a way to hurt people and get her feelings across at the same time. The first year was not one to talk to people openly about her problems. She was much more cryptic when it came to those endeavors. The girl's face morphed into an expression on disgust and confusion. Sorry? What was he sorry for? If anyone should be sorry, it should be Rama though she would never admit it. The girl looked towards the professor standing next to her. She couldn't hold back her words. "I’m not going to just fracture your toes. I’m going to destroy your entire freaking foot.” she spat angrily at the man. She wanted to snatch that smile clean off of his face. Rama then looked down and tossed the two other books in her arms to the side. She was always carried around books like they were her pride, her calm. Now it was gone. She had looked into the eyes of the basilisk, and all logic was throw out the window.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty gave a half-shrug, half-nod, as if he'd anticipated some sort of cutting remark before the encounter was through. "I wouldn't, if I were you," he advised her, as the books fell awkwardly to the ground. "Or I'll have to remove five more house points. I don't know what you expect this presumption to achieve, Rama, but if your intent is to turn me against you then I'm afraid your endeavours are entirely fruitless." The Potions Professor summoned the discarded books with a wave of his hand, and with a second motion repaired the slight damage to their corners. "I know a certain someone who would flay you alive to see you treat these books so poorly," he said, with a soft laugh. Then he sighed. "Listen. This behaviour of yours - it's a choice. I can't possibly tell what's going on inside your head, but I do know that this-" he gestured aimlessly- "whatever this is, it needn't be. It doesn't gain you anything but detentions, and that's a pity. I want you to succeed, Rama. We all do. And I'll let you in on a secret... Every one of us makes bad choices. We wouldn't be human if we didn't." Professor Pendleton offered the girl her books. His hand shook slightly. "What separates bad choices from bad people is whether or not we choose to learn from them."

 

[Rama Mowry]

Rama sighed. Professor Pendelton was still in her space, which was saying a lot for a wimp like him. She wanted him to go away, but he insisted on talking to her. Rama did not need a pep talk; she already knew what she did wrong. The Ravenclaw had read too many books to take the cliche words Professor Pendleton was saying to heart. Although she would rather lose an arm than admitting it, she was glad Monty hadn't left her yet. "Oh my GOD!" she groaned. He just loved to talk, and the way he talked made her skin crawl. He sounded so old. "Are you able to update your vocabulary? You sound like you came back from the 16th century." she told him. She looked at her books in his hands, and she made no move to take them. He'd probably have an anxiety attack and take away fifty points because he was scared for his life.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

It being clear he was getting nowhere, Monty took a mental step back and reassessed the situation. He'd thought Rama had been upset, and whilst this may still have been true, she evidently did not appreciate her Potions professor sticking his foot in it. In her defence, it was not at all his place to pry. Still, he could not have passed her by without expressing concern, as so many had done to him in his youth. He'd been so desperate, then, for anybody to help him that he would never risk subjecting anybody to the same pain - even if they thought him an annoyance. He dropped his gaze, Rama's comment having struck him sadly. His eloquent, often eccentric manner was, of course, just another of his many coping mechanisms. Only Arvo had ever truly seen him, Monty, for who he was. For who he wasn't. For who he might have been. And it terrified him to think that he wasn't a whole, but parts; a jigsaw that had been pulled apart and forced back together the wrong way. "Okay," he said. Rama knew now, at least, that he did not hold her actions against her. If she loathed him for as long as she lived, he would not mind it, so long as she knew she had an adult to turn to. Monty bent to leave her books beside her. "I'll leave you be. Mind you don't sit about here too long, though; Vex does like to pay me the occasional visit." Usually with a kettle full of slime - but that part went unsaid. With one last smile Monty headed onward and away.