Closed Long Overdue Discussions

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily was mortified, humiliated, upset. She rushed from the ball, hurrying outside instead of up to the dorm. She was crying, hating herself. She sat down on the steps heavily, barely managing to shift her dress beneath her. Who had she been kidding? Going to the ball? With Clifton? She still loved him. She had hidden it, tried to move on. But no one had wanted her. She was never enough, she wasn't good enough to be loved. Was she really so lonely that she would kiss her ex, on a platonic date, so soon after he'd broken up with his boyfriend? Pulling her knees up, Lily buried her head in her arms and tried to calm down. She was just a horrid person, that's all it was. It was no wonder she was single.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton didn't think he had ever been less certain of what he was doing in his life. Lily had kissed him, and then run away before he could even say anything. Had it been... some kind of revenge? Reminding him of... what he had foolishly given up? But she had apologised, she had even mentioned Knox, even though Clifton's relationship with the Gryffindor was long-since over. He had considered for a long time before following her, heart thumping with nerves as he tracked Lily down in the courtyard, approaching her hesitantly and pausing what felt like a respectful distance away. "I-I'm sorry..." He stammered out, struggling to find the right words. "I... shouldn't have kissed back. Or, um... I don't know, I just... I'm sorry..." He stammered out weakly, hands fidgeting as he struggled to figure out how to fix this.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard the familiar voice. She curled up tighter in on herself, shaking her head as he apologized. "N-no, you- Clifton, no, you have nothing to be sorry for," she sniffled, rubbing her hand over her cheeks. "I should be apologizing to you, not the other way around," Lily hiccupped softly, squeezing her eyes shut and covering her mouth with her hand. Get it together, Lily. Calm down.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton felt his face slacken as he listened to Lily, unable to help slight frustration creeping in. "For what?!" He said, trying to keep the irritation out of his voice, though he didn't quite manage it. "I don't understand why you're crying, if you're not angry at me! Could you please talk to me?" He asked, exasperated with this whole situation. It felt bad, being so frustrated with Lily while she was crying, but it was impossible to understand why she was crying without more information.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily flinched away automatically in reaction to the tone of his voice. She curled in tighter on herself. "For everything," she replied hesitantly, unsure how to word what she was thinking. "I... I thought I could... I could handle myself, keep my feelings in check." She let out a nervous laugh, shaking her head. "You only came as friends, I didn't- I was caught up- you agreed to come with me so you could forget about what happened."

Lily sighed, hugging her knees closer, afraid to look at him. "You made your choice a long time ago, I thought... I was okay with it. You were happy. Without me. I... I shouldn't have... Kissing you was unbelievablely selfish of me. I'm sorry," she sniffled, laying her head on her arms and hiding her face.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton listened in almost disbelief, emotions boiling deep in him as he struggled to find the words. "I - you broke up with me!" He said insistently. "I mean - yes, I said something stupid, but it's - it's normal to... to have eyes, it would be strange if I didn't notice some people are attractive! I never stopped liking you, I never stopped wanting to be with you! I didn't choose anything!"

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily wasn't sure what she was feeling- anger, frustration, hurt. She shrunk away with each word, feeling smaller and smaller, but she tried to stand her ground. Her confusion and hurt kept her from focusing on the last bit of his rant. "I- I never-" she sighed, scrubbing her hands over her damp cheeks. "You weren't just looking, Clifton, you were ignoring me. That hurt, I never thought I was pretty enough, good enough, but I was trying, I-" Her voice broke and she shook her head. "I thought you were trying to break up with me, you told me you spent your free time wondering if you would be happier with other people, you were looking for something better, someone prettier and smarter and... and not me," She let out a choked laugh, the hurt twisting her heart all over again.

Lily wrapped her arms around herself, trying to hold herself together. "I didn't break up with you, I was upset and hurt and I ran away, I thought you had broken up with me, and you never told me otherwise, you just... you just let me go, like it didn't even matter, like... like I didn't matter, I just- I went on thinking you didn't care, you didn't want me anymore, and it hurt, I-" Lily swiped at her cheeks, trying to hide that she was crying. "By the time I got up the nerve to talk to you again, you had already moved on, you were with someone new, I just..." She sighed, sniffling softly. "I just want you to be happy. Even if it wasn't with me, even if it kills me, I just... I just want the best for you," She was sure he would walk away, leave her alone again, and it hurt terribly to think so. This was a horrid idea, why had she ever thought he could be in her life again?

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton almost couldn't believe what he was hearing, and he could feel his eyes widening in shock. He studied Lily's face, trying to figure out if she was serious and surprising himself with the conclusion that she did seem to be. "Where did I break up with you? I phrased it wrong, but all I was doing was looking at someone else! Not for someone else! It's normal to look at other people sometimes when you're in a relationship, I - you've read a lot into that conversation that I never said! All I said was that I look at people sometimes, which is normal, and I daydream sometimes, which is normal! I never said I wanted any of those daydreams!" Clifton couldn't believe he was having to explain this, couldn't believe Lily had read so much falsehood into his words. "If you weren't trying to break up with me, why did you just stop talking to me? You said you wanted me to be happy with someone else, and then you stopped talking to me! How am I supposed to read that as anything but breaking up with me? I moved on because I thought you didn't want anything to do with me anymore, that's not my fault!"

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Part of Lily wanted to be upset, to continue blaming everything on Clifton. But a larger part of her shifted all of the blame onto herself. The little bit of control she had managed seemed to slip, and the tears came back with a renewed force. She struggled to find words, her shoulders shaking lightly as she held her breath, drawing her knees tighter to her chest to try and hold it together. "I... I ruined everything," she managed, her voice very small and twisted with pain. "It's all my fault," she bit her lip, hard, trying very hard to hide that she had broken down. She lay her head in her arms, very tense and very upset. She barely made a noise, though her entire frame shook. She felt like her heart had shattered all over again. All this time, she thought their breakup had been Clifton's fault. His choice, his wish. He hadn't wanted her. He had never come after her, never contested her thoughts. To find out now that it had all been her own fault, that she had lost the man she loved because of her own stupidity, it broke her heart all over again.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton was already tense, and Lily's response only made things worse. He flinched slightly and looked away, knowing that if he watched her cry for too long he would give in to the instinct to comfort her, rather than actually talking about their problems like adults, the way they needed to. "Please stop blaming yourself." He said firmly, impressed at how little his voice wavered. "We need to talk about this properly, not... crying about it won't solve things." It felt cruel, talking this way while she was so upset, but Clifton knew if they couldn't get on the same page now, they may never be again.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily nearly jumped as he scolded her again. She was shaking, but the logical part of her brain, the part tucked away and hidden a bit by her sadness and hurt, was persistently nudging its way forward with his help. He was right, of course. She couldn't just cry forever. That didn't mean it was so easy to just stop, though. She bit her lip, squeezing her eyes shut and wrapping her arms tighter around herself and trying to breath.

Part of Lily wanted to slap him, to scream and cry and yell at him. Did he even care? She had been devastated by their break up, and it seemed to her like he hadn't been troubled. She pushed the thoughts aside, knowing it was just her hurt trying to lash out. It was several long moments before she was able to let out a shaky sigh. "You're right," she managed. Her voice was weak, hoarse, but it was still better than nothing.

She struggled to find her words, but slowly she managed to piece together a full thought. "Do you... do you think... we could fix this?" She asked gently, staring ahead. Tears still fell down her cheeks, her heart still ached in her chest, but she had enough clarity to try and talk things out. She sighed softly. "Do you... want to try?" She asked, her voice softer. She couldn't blame him, after all, if he chose to just walk away. She didn't believe she was worth a second chance. Not when she was still blaming herself so harshly for ruining their first attempt.

 

[Clifton Ward]

It was a relief when Lily listened to him, and Clifton felt his shoulders sag slightly with the lifted stress. He took a hesitant step closer, trying to figure out what to say next. As soon as Lily asked her next question though, all Clifton's thoughts went out the window at once. "Of course." He said quickly, hesitating a moment before taking a seat next to her. "I... I never wanted to break up. I never stopped... you've... always been important to me." He said slowly, trying to choose his words quickly. Clifton knew it would be a mistake to rush now, after all the important ground they had covered tonight. If they were going to fix things, they needed to do it right. "I want... I want us to... do this right. To... find the right footing. Talk to each other, properly. If we're... if we don't communicate... I don't want something like this to happen again. Let's... take the time to talk, and... do this right?" Clifton didn't think he had ever said the right thing before in his life, born with a permanent foot stuck in his mouth. Right now, though, this felt right. This felt like... what needed to be said. It struck him for a moment how different he felt from when they had first gotten together, when he had been desperate and awestruck just to be liked, had rushed in without really taking the time to learn how to be open with his partner, and ask the same in return. Now, though... now he was different. Now, maybe they could be different.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily glanced over as Clifton sat beside her, wrapping her arms around herself and peeking at him through her hair. She listened quietly, wanting to make sure he had finished before she spoke. She was very tempted to lean on him, lay her head on his shoulder or maybe take his hand, but Lily wasn't sure if he would accept anything from her anymore. She nodded slowly, thinking for a moment of how grown up he sounded. It saddened her for a moment- he had really grown so much without her. Was he just better off when she wasn't involved?

Lily tried to shake off her self doubt, pushing it aside and locking it away. There was a lot of insecurity in her still, though she had been trying her best to overcome it. She considered her response a moment, heart aching in her chest. "I... where... are we supposed to start?" she asked gently. "Are we... together?" she almost winced as she asked it, afraid of the answer. "We're graduating so soon..." her voice faltered as other fears crept up on her again. "When... my mother graduated, she lost... everyone," she bit her lip. "I still... struggle with Lars and Elliot, they... they don't need me anymore, or at least... it feels that way to me," she sighed. "Lars has Blake and Elliot... found Alice," her shoulders slumped and she drew more in on herself.

"For a while, I thought... you were the same," she admitted gently. "I thought... you had gone on without me, that you all were, and that... everyone was happier without me around," she sighed, reaching up and wiping at her tears. "I... I tried, you know, but... I was never... enough. It was the same with William, and with... with Jasper," she gave a small smile. "No matter what I've tried, I... I'm not worth..." she cut herself off, sighing heavily, knowing that was a dangerous track to get lost on again. Lily curled in a little tighter on herself, staring ahead and trying to ignore the throbbing of her heart.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton started considering the question Lily had asked, but as she went on he quickly found more pressing things he had to say, face tensing slightly as she spoke. "That's - did... did anyone actually say any of that to you?" He asked slowly, resisting the impulse to take her hand. Moving too fast would only make things worse right now. "Did Lars or Elliot say they didn't need you, did William or Jasper say they were happier without you? That's..." He trailed off, trying to find the right words. "Lily, you're... a wonderful person. I mean, in... yourself. It's not... healthy to hang all of your self worth on what you think other people think of you."

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily let out a soft sigh, laying her head in her arms. She didn't respond for a moment, shutting her eyes and trying to settle herself. "I know, I know, you're right," she sighed. "I try, really, and most of the time I'm okay, I just..." she shook her head, curling in closer on herself. "Don't mind me," she stilled, focusing more on her breathing and trying to settle the pounding of her heart. "I just... hurt a lot, it gets the best of me sometimes," she turned her head, peeking up through her hair and giving him a shy smile. She wasn't really sure where they stood, and she was more than a little scared, but she was... almost a little hopeful.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton lifted his hand as Lily spoke, then hesitated. Somehow, physical contact felt like a bridge too far for the strange new dynamic they were building as they spoke. But it would feel wrong not to comfort her, so he gently, softly rubbed her back, just for a moment before quickly withdrawing his hand. "I think..." Clifton paused, choosing his words carefully. He had never been good at speaking at the best of times, and now it really counted. "I don't mean this in any kind of... insulting way, or anything like that, I'm... I'm really trying to help..." He hesitated, trying and failing to find a more delicate way of phrasing it. "Have you ever thought about... therapy? This isn't a healthy way to think about yourself. I think... you might need some help."

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily caught her breath as Clifton rubbed her back. Without thinking, she shifted, leaning her head on his shoulder and shutting her eyes. She sighed softly at his words. "Maybe you're right," she agreed softly. "I'll just... I'll go see the school therapist a few times before graduation," she sighed again, sitting up and brushing her hair back. She wasn't really sure what else to say, she just felt... worn out. She rubbed her hands over her eyes. She felt drained. Lily looked to Clifton then, finally, giving him a shy smile. "I... um... I've really missed you, Clif," she admitted gently, feeling the blush heat her cheeks. She hesitated a moment, before offering out her hand to him.

 

[Clifton Ward]

Clifton was relieved when Lily understood his point, nodding slightly. "I... think it could be helpful." He said softly, not moving away when she leaned on him. The feeling was so familiar, like nothing had ever changed between them, but that of course wasn't true at all. The last two years had changed them both irrevocably, and though it felt like they still fit together like two matching puzzle pieces, Clifton knew there was a way to go before things could be the way they were. Still, his heart fluttered when she spoke again, and he dared to lean back on her slightly in response. "I've missed you too." He said softly, hesitating a moment when she offered her hand. It still felt forbidden after the years of distance between them, but after a moment he reached out, laying his hand softly over Lily's and lacing their fingers together gently. Things may never be the way they had been before, but this gave him hope that if they worked at it, maybe things could be better.