Closed Just Killed off What Was Left of the Optimist in Me

[Tristan Collins]

Set after this topic


Tristan's heart was pounding wildly in his chest as he made his way into the nearest abandoned classroom, only vaguely aware enough to check if nobody was there before he collapsed into the nearest chair. The sound of people whispering and laughing at him was still playing in his ears, and he could still see all the eyes that were on him, mocking or disgusted. Some amused, some ashamed for him. It was horrible, and he knew that Vivian had hurt him where it cut him deepest. But the mockery and the humiliation wasn't the only thing that was paining him. The other thing that kept replaying in his mind was the sight of Vivian walking away, leaving the great hall, and him. He had thought his reputation was the most important thing to him, but only now that Vivian had abandoned him did he realize he had been precious as well. Now he had lost him, as well as any credibility he'd had left at the school. Professors had seen this happen, and Tristan knew they would all be talking about him today. Everyone in the school. The thought sickened him. Tristan hunched over in the chair, and his body started to shake as he began to cry. Eevn though he was alone, he still tried his best to muffle the noise. Crying was a weakness, and he was angry at himself even as sadness overtook him. He was lost, and he had no idea how to move forward from here. Would it be possible to transfer? That wouldn't look good to future employers, if he transferred late in his final year. Unless he could spin it somehow. But... he didn't think he could just do that, not without his parents to sign off on it. And then he would have to explain the situation, which he desperately didn't want to do. Tristan pressed his palms against his eyes, as if trying to push the tears back. It didn't work, of course, but the sensation helped ground him a little bit. Though he was nowhere ready to face reality yet.

 

[Kauri Morales-Tipene]

Kauri didn't know quite how to process the guilt he felt over the revelation in the Great Hall. He had let himself detach from what he knew, let himself think it wasn't any of his business, that surely it had just been a one-off, he didn't have any responsibility to anyone else Tristan may date. It was clear now, that that had been a naïve and foolish view to take. There was a lot of guilt to stomach, over what he had let happen to October. And thinking about it, what he had let happen to the other boy Tristan had been seeing. Kauri didn't know much about the boy, had only ever seen him by Tristan's side, but it seemed clear enough that this situation had been damaging to him as well. Kauri was trying to figure out what to do about all this, and he knew apologising to the Head Girl needed to be high on his list, but he needed some time to collect his thoughts and figure out what to say first. So he was just... pacing the corridors, turning the entire situation over in his mind.

Kauri was distracted from his pacing by the sound of crying from a nearby classroom, and his head snapped in its direction at once. If someone was upset he wanted to make sure that they were okay, and helping someone out would be a good distraction from the guilt he felt. Kauri opened the door before it had even occurred to him that the crying may be related to the tumultuous scene he had just witnessed. There was Tristan though, hands pressed to his eyes, clearly crying. A cold, mean part of Kauri just wanted to close the door again, leave Tristan to it, but he was here now, and there was no walking away. Kauri closed the door softly behind himself, locking it so nobody else would stumble on Tristan like this, and made his way over to the older boy, sitting down next to him and gently offering Tristan the packet of tissues he kept in his pocket. "That... was rough." Kauri said softly, not sure what else he could say.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan tensed up when the door opened, and he froze in place with his hands pressed to his eyes. He hoped that whoever it was would take the hint and leave. He had suffered enough humiliation for one day without being seen crying on his own. But he could hear the door lock and someone approach, and reluctantly looked up when the person sat down next to him. He wasn't surprised it was Kauri. Somehow, that felt inevitable. He looked from him to the packet of tissues and back at him, wary. "Why are you here?" He asked, his voice shaky from the suppressed tears. "Don't pretend you ... you didn't enjoy that." He added bitterly, averting his gaze from Kauri.

 

[Kauri Morales-Tipene]

Kauri hadn't expected Tristan to be especially excited to see him, but he was surprised by the accusation he was greeted with. Kauri didn't withdraw the packet of tissues, wiggling it slightly in Tristan's direction as he spoke. "Of course I didn't enjoy that. I don't like seeing people hurt." Kauri sighed, glancing at Tristan's face for a second before looking away. "I... you don't need me to tell you what you did was wrong. I'm just here with tissues." For all the things he was angry at Tristan for - the cheating, the arguments, the insults - Kauri didn't like to see anyone hurting, and knew he couldn't just walk away without at least trying to help. And it felt... almost poetic, in a way. Tristan had seen him at his lowest, his weakest and most hurt, and somehow it felt as though it had brought them full circle, seeing Tristan feeling the same. Unlike that day so many years ago though, Kauri wanted to do what he could to make things better, trying to figure out what he could say.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan snatched the pack of tissues from Kauri's hands as he wiggled them at him, mostly to make him stop. He angrily tore one out of the packet and dabbed at his eyes. "Of course you don't." He muttered bitterly. Kauri was too perfect to enjoy that, of course. Tristan wondered if he was ever going to get sick of his own perfect act, though it was becoming more and more doubtful that it was an act. "You think I deserve it though." He told him, challenging him to say anything negative. He wanted to hear Kauri say it, to hear him condemn him. Not even he could spin this in any positive way, could he? Tristan realized he needed Kauri to be angry with him, to yell or to tell him he had been horrible. If Kauri was just here to help him, he didn't... he didn't know how to deal with that. Surely, surely, he was here to rub it in. "Don't you? Just say it."

 

[Kauri Morales-Tipene]

Kauri could hear the bitterness in Tristan's voice, and though a bitter, angry part of him longed to respond in agreement, Kauri thought about it for a long moment, determined to choose his words more carefully. "I think... that the people you hurt deserve better." He said slowly, looking at Tristan. "And I think you... I think you needed to learn from this. But it doesn't... make me happy that you're hurting. And I don't think you should have to hurt alone, even if I don't think you deserve forgiveness either." Kauri finished, looking at Tristan. He didn't know if he would ever really be able to forgive the other boy, and he imagined there were plenty of other people who felt the same. Still, seeing Tristan this hurt didn't bring the kind of vindicating joy the bitter part of Kauri had sometimes imagined it would. Maybe once he saw Tristan changing, making amends, maybe then Kauri would be able to put down the hurt feelings. For now though, he knew that was more likely to happen if Tristan saw kindness was still possible, rather than being met with more bitterness and hurt. So he sat with the other boy, resting a hand gently on Tristan's shoulder.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan was silent as he listened to Kauri, determinedly not looking at him. Even though he had expected worse words from Kauri, the first thing he said made Tristan wince a little. The idea that he had hurt multiple people had never really occurred to him, as he had only registered Vivian's pain. He scoffed when Kauri went on that he needed to learn from this, and that seeing him hurting didn't make him happy. "Sure." He mumbled. "Because you're so perfect." He hunched over a little, though he didn't remove the hand Kauri had on his shoulder. "How do you keep this act up?" He mumbles. "Don't you ever get tired of pretending to be everyone's friend? To always be so positive?" It was easier to focus on Kauri than on what had happened, though Tristan still didn't look at him. He crumpled up the tissue in his hands.

 

[Kauri Morales-Tipene]

Talking to Tristan often felt like speaking to someone from another planet entirely. Kauri had learned since their breakup not to take what Tristan actually said at face value; he always meant something else, was always trying to imply or insinuate or twist somehow, and those were lines Kauri struggled to read between. He never fully knew what he expected to come out of Tristan's mouth, in any situation, but he had become accustomed enough to Tristan's way of speaking that he could usually make a fair guess. Still, Tristan's question caught Kauri completely by surprise and he just gawked at the other boy for a long moment, trying to figure out if Tristan was serious. "It's... not an act?" Kauri said slowly, shocked by the insinuation. Had Tristan really thought this all these years? "I'm not... pretending to care about people, I just do. I like making people happy. I think... the world would be a better place if everyone made it their goal to look after other people and help them out. That's why I'm... positive all the time. Because I want to make everyone else feel that way." It was clear from his actions that that was a goal Tristan didn't share, but Kauri couldn't believe the other boy had thought Kauri's entire way of being was nothing but an act, looking back on their past arguments in a new light as he stared at the other boy.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan still refused to raise his head and look at the younger boy. It was difficult enough to talk with him like this, he didn't need to see the pity in his gaze too. He sighed as Kauri said that his whole thing wasn't an act. Of course he would say that, and of course it probably was partly true. But Tristan couldn't, and wouldn't, believe that anyone was really that happy and optimistic and friendly all the time without having to try. He snorted. "Right." He said harshly. "Nothing fake about it. Except that you just said you are positive because you want to make everyone else feel that way too. Doesn't that imply you're at least partly doing it on purpose?" His mouth twisted in annoyance, somehow, it didn't feel very satisfying to argue with Kauri. Not... when he was this down and when Kauri was the only person being nice to him. He probably really was like this, this... good. Why else would he have gone looking for Tristan. "Why... why are you here?" He asked again. "I'm tired." He added, not even sure why he said it.

 

[Kauri Morales-Tipene]

Kauri's mouth dropped open slightly as Tristan spoke, and he struggled a little to keep his cool. "What?!" He said incredulously. "That - no, you're twisting my words! I'm positive because I want the world to be a good place filled with nice people, and I want to be one of those people, and I want to help other people too! It's not... some big manipulative scheme, it's just... how I see the world, and... the things I think are important." He sighed, wondering if any of this was sinking in at all. He had known for a long time now that he and Tristan saw things very differently, and didn't know if there was any way to bridge that gap. When Tristan asked why he was here, Kauri shrugged uncomfortably. "Because... you looked upset, and... even if you did horrible things, I don't think anyone deserves to... have to be upset alone. I'm just here to keep you company, and... make sure you're alright."

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan rolled his eyes as Kauri spoke again, trying his best to ignore the twinge of guilt he felt after implying Kauri was here for his own gain. He knew deep down that that wasn't true, but that scared him even more. "Listen, I just mean that you're putting up an act too, even if it's for a good reason. We're all doing that all the time." He muttered, shrugging. He sighed as Kauri explained why he was here, and he ran a hand over his face. "I'm not a sad kicked puppy. I don't need a pity party. You can go." He muttered. "I'm fine. I'll... I'll be fine eventually. I'll graduate soon, at least." It still seemed far too long from where he was sitting, but he suddenly wanted Kauri to go. His presence had been a comfort at first, but now it just reminded him of all the things Kauri was that he wasn't. The universe seemed to be rubbing it in his face.

 

[Kauri Morales-Tipene]

Kauri's heart sank as Tristan went on, trying to figure out what to say. He knew not everyone was as positive as him, but Kauri didn't think he had ever met anyone whose cynicism ran so deep. "But it's not an act..." He repeated emphatically. "I really am happy most of the time. I try to... surround myself with good people and nice things that make me happy. Even when things are rough I try to find the positive. It's not fake, it's just... a different way of approaching life, I guess. You should... maybe try to focus on putting more positive into the world. It might... change some things." Kauri trailed off, already knowing Tristan wouldn't take that advice well. His heart sank further as Tristan insisted he was fine, even though Kauri could tell he wasn't. "I don't want to leave you alone if you're still upset..." Kauri said hesitantly. "I could... walk with you to the school counselor? Or... is there anyone else you feel like you could talk to right now? Professor Carter maybe? I just wanna make sure you're okay..."

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan rolled his eyes. "Everyone is acting, Kauri. No one is just their true self. You're going to tell me you never feel annoyed? Frustrated? You just do a good job of hiding it." He snapped, getting more and more frustrated with Kauri. He didn't want to believe the boy was telling the truth. That would be too confronting. "Don't tell me what I should focus on." He added, frowning. Kauri was younger than him. He had no business telling him how to live his life. If the urge to hide out here wasn't so big, Tristan would leave himself. He was tired of Kauri. "I want to be left alone!" He almost yelled. "I don't need Professor Carter, or you. Just leave me alone."