Closed I Should Have Tried At All

[Blake van Houten]

All his life, Blake had been sure that he knew himself. Never even questioned it. He was a champion, a winner, a popular kid. All the things his parents wanted him to be. Captain of the team, the life of the party, hanging out in all the right crowds. And then... everything had changed. He felt like piece by piece the window through which he viewed himself was falling apart, revealing it had never been real, a painted facade all along. Who was behind that facade, Blake didn't know anymore. But the more he saw, the more he wanted to see, and the more of the painting he lost, the less he missed it. The way he felt about Lars, that was real, achingly meltingly real, and it threw into sharp contrast the relationships he had tried to form in the past.

The version of Blake who had been so cruel to Alice had just been.... a mannequin, dressed up as the person he thought he was supposed to be, and the thought hurt. He hadn't even realised what love was supposed to feel like until recently, but knowing that he had... tricked Alice into thinking that was what she had found, when she was just arm in arm with an echo of a person... it wasn't right. Every time he spotted the head girl around the school the guilt bubbled up, until eventually Blake couldn't stand it anymore. Catching sight of Alice walking away down the hall, Blake realised he had reached a breaking point. "Hey, Alice!" He called out, running to catch up with her. "Can we talk? It'll just be a second." Now that he was face to face with the Hufflepuff, Blake realised he had no idea what he actually needed to say, but... well, he was in this now.

 

[Alice Holland]

Alice felt more aware of time passing than ever before. It was already almost summer, the end of the semester coming nearer every day. She knew she would miss Hogwarts after graduating, and she was really hoping to make the most of her final year. Being named head girl was something special, and Alice was determined to make the most of it. She tried to help younger students wherever she could, and also tried to keep on top of her studies. She knew that she would have to do well in this final year, it was crucial for her future. The girl was heading to the great hall, walking through the first floor corridor with her bag full of books. She had just had a few classes, and hoped to get some reading done during lunch. Though she also hoped to sit with Elliot, as that was always a lot of fun. When her name was called, Alice didn't immediately register who it was. With a smile, she turned around to see who was calling her name, only for the smile to drop off her face the moment she saw who it was. Alice's expression soured and her entire body tensed up. She crossed her arms in front of herself and looked at Blake with narrowed eyes. "What is it?" She asked him, a rare hostility in her voice. She had never forgiven Blake for how he had treated her, and it was still a sore spot for her. It had been the day she realized things didn't usually go as they did in stories, and that the handsome prince could also be a heartless jerk putting on a charming mask.

 

[Blake van Houten]

Although he had been thinking about this for weeks now, actually being faced with Alice drove all the things he had planned to say out of his head. The unusual bluntness of her tone made it clear that she was still hurting over his betrayal, even years later, and it took him back for a moment, opening and closing his mouth as he tried to choose his words. If even a shred of the collected prince charming persona he had tried to present to her had been lingering, there was no doubt it was gone now. "I just... I owe you an apology." The words felt strange in his mouth, difficult to actually express, but he was here now, and he couldn't stop. And now that he was speaking all the thoughts and feelings he had been turning over in his mind finally returned to prominence, all bubbling up at once as he finally let them out. "I was... a total d*ck to you, and I never... really appreciated you, it was completely unfair. I was... I treated you like a prop, it was disgusting, and the... the thing at the Yule Ball..." Blake finally stumbled over the words that had been spilling from him, throat hitching slightly at the thought of what had happened after that Yule Ball. "I... I was horrible to you, and there's no excuse, but I'm...." He faltered again, glancing away from her face for the first time since he had started speaking, just for a moment. "I'm... trying to be a better person now. I've... figured some stuff out. And... and part of that was realising how awful I was to you. So... yeah. I'm sorry." He finally trailed off, searching Alice's face nervously. He had no idea how she would take this so many years later, but knowing how he felt about Lars now, Blake didn't think he could ever forgive himself if he just never apologised to her.

 

[Alice Holland]

Alice wasn't sure what she expected out of Blake, but an apology was the last thing she had imagined. She stayed on guard, glancing around. She wasn't convinced this wasn't some sort of ploy to make himself seem nicer to some other girl, to save his reputation. Alice's frown deepened when he swore, but she kept on listening. "Yeah, it was." She said as he said ti was disgusting. "I remember." But there was a part of her that liked that he put it into words, that he said what he had done was terrible. He stumbled over the part at the Yule Ball, and Alice held up a hand. "What I never understood about it is why you did it." She said. "What made you think it would end well for you, at all? It just made you look horrible. If you were using me as a... a ... prop as you said, you didn't even use me right." She said with a frown. "Unless you thought coming in with one girl and then making out with another made you look good somehow." She said slowly. But it was in the past, and even though it had hurt Alice a lot, she couldn't get herself to be very angry about it anymore. "Well... I'm glad you're apologizing." She said after a moment. "I hope you've changed how you treat girls." She then said.

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake hadn't really known how to expect his apology to go down, but Alice accepting it didn't seem terribly likely. He was surprised she was letting him talk at all, frankly. He paused when she stopped him, listening anxiously to what she had to say. She was completely right, and it hurt to think back and remember his awful decision making back then. "I... yeah, it was so stupid." Blake said weakly, putting off actually articulating his awful decision making out loud. "I think... this is dumb, but I think I thought it would... like... make me look like... I dunno. Some kind of.... alpha chad all the girls wanted, or something stupid like that. It was completely dumb, I have no idea why I thought like that." He admitted, twisting his hands in an uncharacteristic show of nerves as he met Alice's eyes. "I'm really sorry. There's no excuse. It was dumb, and cruel, and you deserved better." He had to swallow back a laugh when she commented about how he treated girls, nodding quickly. "Definitely." He said quickly. "I'm, uh... I met... someone, who kind of... helped me figure out I was a total arsehole." He explained, trying to be as vague as possible and hoping she wouldn't ask follow up questions. "I'm... glad you found someone better too." He added quickly, trying to change the subject. "Elliot is... he's cool. He's the kind of guy you deserve."

 

[Alice Holland]

Alice both wanted to stay and argue with Blake, and to end the conversation and never think of it again. Thinking back to that dance made her feel anxious and sad all over again, and she had just put it behind her a bit. This conversation was dredging it all up to the surface. Alice pulled a face when Blake explained what he had thought it would make him look like. It felt extra weird, hearing him admit it. Though he then apologized again, and Alice felt her shoulders relax a little. "Well, that person must be a saint." She said quietly. "I hope you treat her well." She was curious somewhere in the back of her mind who it was, but also didn't really want to know Blake's business. She wouldn't pry, anyway. Alice frowned a bit when he brought up Elliot. "I know." Was all she said. She didn't need Blake's opinion on him, especially because she knew he had been mean to Elliot in the past.

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake could see the tension in Alice's body, feeling horrible all over again about how he had treated her. He didn't know how he was ever going to really make up all the hurt he had caused. He smiled slightly when she said Lars was a saint, smile twitching ever so slightly at the word 'her'. "Yeah, definitely." Blake said quickly. He nodded awkwardly to her cold response to him bringing up Elliot, taking a step back. "Well... I'll let you go. I just... yeah. I'm sorry." He shrugged slightly and took another step back before turning and heading back up the corridor the way he had come, heart in his throat. It had been necessary, but apologising had somehow been even harder than he expected.