I Need Fire so I Can Burn

[Arvel Ayers]

Valentine's Day. It was either the sweetest or the loneliest day of the year, depending on whether you had somebody to share it with. Arvel, of course, had nobody. Yet again he'd convinced himself Analei wouldn't want to dance with him, and so avoided even letting her raise the subject in cause she felt the need to ask him out of politeness. He didn't want to spoil her night. Truthfully, he wasn't even sure why he'd bothered to turn up. He didn't have anything nice to wear, and so had simply come in his school shirt, which was a bit creased from being worn all day and did not lend him any appeal. The closest he'd come to putting in effort was brushing his hair and putting in some contact lenses - and that was mostly because he thought someone might knock into him and break his glasses. Leaning on the table with his chin in his hand Arvel sipped his drink. Sad as it was not to have a date, he knew he would have felt worse sitting all alone in his dormitory. So he just watched the couples dancing, wondering what it would feel like to have someone so close to him - or for someone to want to get that close.

 

[Nixon Mercury]

Valentine's day proved to be another whirlwind of ups and downs, causing Nixon's evening to be torn between two extremes; wanting to focus on the positives and enjoy his night knowing his friends were kind enough to send him roses, and focusing on the negatives that were his unrequited feelings for Liam, as well as the notion he would likely see Liam with Athena as his date. Getting ready had been an ordeal of indecisiveness in turn with the night, but when Nixon eventually chose to wear a simple button up shirt and trousers, later arriving to the valentine's dance in his limbo between happiness and loneliness, he sought to at least attempt to choose the happier side in the spirit of valentine's day and ignore his recent habitual demeanor of jealousy knowing Liam wouldn't be attending by his side.

It didn't take long for the happy couples surrounding him to take effect on his mood however, and for him to realize this attempt to be positive was entirely in vain. He at first tried to be uncaring whether he had someone to dance with nor that the person he wanted to dance with most would be caught up with another, but showing up to the valentine's dance without a date caused him to feel he was standing out of the crowd negatively and that his constant state of loneliness was obvious among the shades of red, pink, and white the great hall was so delicately decorated with. By the time he approached the drinks table he was in a state of disdain rather than optimism, refusing to meet anyone's eye as he poured himself a glass of punch. When the drink was poured he sipped from it gingerly while glancing to his surroundings, gaze soon landing on another boy that appeared to be in a similar situation. In an effort to make himself appear less lonely than he truly was, Nixon headed over to the table where the boy was sitting. "You alone here, too?" He asked, placing his cup on the table and choosing a seat next to the boy without an invitation. In his opinion the fact the boy was sitting alone was enough of an invite in itself, and this way Nixon could interact with someone and appear occupied for the night instead of completely unwanted.​

 

[Arvel Ayers]

Arvel looked up at the boy, and then at the seat next to him, half expecting someone to have sat down there while he'd been lost in thought. But there was nobody there; the boy was talking to him. "I guess," Arvel said lamely as the elder Hufflepuff sat down. It eased his embarrassment to know he wasn't the only person without a date that night, even if it didn't fix the situation. Like him, the boy had also come in a plain shirt and trousers, though somehow he managed to do it without looking scruffy and under-dressed. It wasn't the same. This boy might have been by himself, but it had to be by choice; he didn't know what it was like to be on his own because nobody wanted to talk to him. "You could just ask someone to dance," Arvel said. "I mean, they're not going to say no."

 

[Nixon Mercury]

Nixon wasn't sure what he expected when he chose to sit next to someone solely because they appeared to be in the same state of loneliness he currently found himself in, other than thinking the interactions would change the outside perspective the rest of the people attending the dance had of him. In reality other attendees were focused on themselves or their dates but such an obvious truth didn't quell the worries Nixon was feeling that his attendance alone to the valentine's dance was proof he was nothing more than a loser, desperate to be included but never invited no matter how hard he tried. He leaned back in his chair, picking up the glass of punch he placed down earlier and sipping from it, though nearly choked in surprise when the other boy said he could ask anyone to dance. His almost choking turned to choking back laughter at the suggestion the person he asked wouldn't say no, because such an idea was delusional. As if it were that simple and Nixon could approach anyone and manage to score a dance, let alone the person he wished he was able to dance with. He knew for a fact it wasn't. "If it's that easy, why don't you go ask someone?" Nixon waved his hand towards the crowd, almost daring the other boy to try asking someone himself. It would mean Nixon would find himself alone again but dealing with that would be easier than elaborating why the other boys suggestion was ridiculous.​

 

[Arvel Ayers]

Arvel stared as his acquaintance began to laugh, wondering what he'd said that was so funny. The boy could have asked anyone in his year to dance, and they would have said yes - Arvel was sure of it. His counter made Arvel snort. "Right," he said, stirring the dregs of his drink with his straw. "That'll work." Asking somebody would only have ended in embarrassment - not just for Arvel, but for the person who had to reject him. It was obviously a lot different for this boy, though he seemed not to agree. Perhaps he was trying to make Arvel feel better. "Sitting next to me isn't going to make it easier for you," he added. "Just so you know."

 

[Nixon Mercury]

Nixon assumed the boy would take him up on his suggestion and leave, but as he sat in his chair with the expectation he would be left alone again he realized his assumption was wrong. Instead the boy stayed put, insinuating with what sounded like sarcasm that asking someone would fail and seeming adamant it was an easy feat for Nixon to leave and find another person to talk to. Frowning, Nixon returned his glass to the table. He was evidently not comprehending the implications of what was being said, and chose to ask for more of an explanation; an action he also did not comprehend was hypocritical in the wake of deflecting the comment from earlier. Leaning forward in his chair, he prodded the boy. "Why does sitting with you make it harder for me to find someone to dance with? We're both alone here." It wasn't like Nixon was popular enough to approach one of the many well dressed girls, or boys for that matter, offer them his hand, and ask for them to accompany him to the dance floor without a painfully embarrassing ordeal of rejection. He thought that much was obvious. He wouldn't be sitting at the table, reeling in loneliness at his lack of a date and jealousy over Liam's date otherwise. "It's almost like you want me to talk to someone else." He commented as an afterthought, unable to shake the sudden nagging possibility that the boy was reacting in such a way because he, like everyone else, thought Nixon wasn't worthy of his time. A reality Nixon was sure was the case with every other person attending the dance that evening, and the reason he arrived alone to the dance in the first place, and why in that moment he continued refusing to stand from the table and try to make conversation elsewhere.​

 

[Arvel Ayers]

Arvel hadn't expected the boy to question his remark. He hadn't expected the boy not to realise Arvel was a loser - that hanging around with him wasn't going to score the elder Hufflepuff any popularity points. Not particularly wanting to voice this aloud, Arvel merely gave an awkward shrug. He showed no other signs of emotion until the boy's next remark, upon which he looked up, mildly startled and a little annoyed. Why did he have to explain himself? "No - I didn't..." he began, unable to find the words to finish. "Look, why do you care so much? I'm just saying that no-one's going to think you look cool because you're talking to me. You might as well go." Looking away, Arvel went back to stirring his drink. He wished he'd never come to this stupid dance in the first place. Sitting alone in his dormitory would have been better.

 

[Nixon Mercury]

Nixon had not considered his words would strike a chord but this seemed to be the case when the boy looked up with an expression hinting to annoyance. He leaned back in his chair again, creating physical distance between him and the other boy, the frown already present on his face deepening and his lips pursed while listening to the response he was given. For a moment he waited to let the dust of the words settle, trying to take everything in. Nixon couldn't - wouldn't let someone he just met feel annoyed with him for no explicable reason and he felt the insecure part of his mind plead him to find a solution lest he find himself completely alone again for the second time that evening. Eventually Nixon decided the best way to handle the situation, huffing out a simple "Fine, I see how it is," as he pushed his chair away from the table to stand up. Stepping closer to where the boy sat, Nixon held his hand out, wordlessly offering a dance before he signed away his convictions and spoke the offer aloud as more of a demand than anything else. "Dance with me, then." He wanted intently for a reaction, a genuine smile beginning to appear on his face because regardless how undeserving he felt he was, he did want to dance with someone that night. Whether this dance came from this boy in an effort to stifle a feud or from someone else, it was all the same to Nixon. He just hoped being forward despite his insecurities would be worth the effort he was making.​

 

[Arvel Ayers]

Arvel didn't tend to be pursued for conversation, so after snapping at the boy he expected that to be the end of their exchange. As expected, the boy pushed back his chair and stood up, seemingly ready to leave. Arvel kept his gaze down, afraid that his disappointment might be visible in his eyes. He shouldn't have expected the boy to stay. He shouldn't have hoped that he would, in spite of Arvel telling him to go. Why did he test people like that? It never ended well. It never-

Arvel looked up at the hand that had entered his peripheral vision, and then at the boy who offered it. Me? he wanted to say. Why? But his subconscious seemed to realise that this was not a moment for asking questions, for every word in the English language had all at once disappeared from his head. He took the boy's hand and stood up. Perhaps it was a trick. A dare. But what if it wasn't? The hand was foreign in his own, but it was one of those unfamiliar feelings that he knew he liked right away. He probably ought to have said something, but the odd new sensations demanded all of his attention and left none of it for trying to remember how to speak. So he just let the boy lead him toward the dance floor on shaky legs, praying he wasn't about to turn around and leave him there.

 

[Nixon Mercury]

The moment Nixon was left standing, holding his hand to the boy whose name he still didn't know was one that brought a smile to his face, but soon enough caused worry to swirl in his gut when the realization of what he was doing began to hit him. On the whim of choosing to ask for a dance to keep a feud from happening he had entirely forgotten the reason he refused to ask people to dance with him in the first place, and the worry that he was swallowing his securities long enough to ask the boy to dance with him, only to be rejected, returned in full force. It was perfect timing that the boy accepted Nixon's hand before the insecurities set in again and caused him to recoil back into his loneliness, and he almost sighed with obvious relief the boy didn't reject his offer as he turned to lead them onto the dance floor. Nixon did not mind as much as he probably should have that the slow songs put aside for the valentines dance every year were playing seemingly back to back, and he quickly decided copying the slow dancing by the couples around them was the best course of action to blend in. Moving to wrap both his arms around the other boy's waist, he expected him to follow along. "Hope you don't mind me leading." He commented, gaze momentarily moving from the boy's face and to the great hall around them. Liam wasn't nearby from what Nixon could tell, but he assumed he would spot his friend sooner or later and hoped that Liam would see him in return dancing with someone else as they began to sway side to side to the pace of the music.​

 

[Arvel Ayers]

Arvel had been so sure the boy was playing a practical joke on him that his hands on Arvel's waist came almost a shock. This had suddenly become real, and fast. He was going to dance. With a boy. But he'd never danced before! How was he supposed to move? Where should he put his own hands? He glanced around at the other dancers, quickly deciding to put his hands on the boy's shoulders. The alternative seemed to be around his neck, but that seemed to Arvel like something reserved for close couples. He wondered what this was. Was it romantic? Or just friendly? He'd never read a single romance book in his life, nor watched any memorable romantic films, and his parents had been married for a long time and didn't even really kiss each other in front of Arvel. Still tongue-tied, he simply shook his head no at the boy's question. He didn't mind. It was the most surreal thing he'd ever felt. How could he possibly mind? Moving in time to the music was easier than Arvel had anticipated, and after a little while he found himself thinking not about his feet, but the boy's face. He felt sick, but somehow not in an unpleasant way. Was that a good thing? Was it normal? What did it all mean?

 

[Nixon Mercury]

Liam still wasn't in Nixon's line of sight, but that didn't stop him continuing to glance around the crowded hall in search of the Slytherin. Music played and repeated as Nixon swayed slowly from side to side, trying and failing to spot his best friend in the sea of other students. The longer he danced with the boy he just met, the more swaying with him became as much of an afterthought as the music itself - the slow pace easy for Nixon to follow in autopilot when his attention was elsewhere wondering if Liam could see him. At least dancing with the boy became an afterthought until Nixon clued into the happy accident of their dancing together as more than wanting to keep the peace. When Nixon did realize how useful this situation could be, he returned his gaze to his dance partner, moving one of his hands to hold the boy's hand on his shoulder and speaking in a hushed tone. "Hey, what was your name again?" He maintained eye contact trying to imitate the intimacy of the couples around them. Whether Liam could see him with this boy or not, as he truly wasn't sure if Liam was in attendance that evening, Nixon couldn't fight the urge to use this situation to his advantage and fight his ever present loneliness in more ways than one. Meeting the jealousy he felt over Liam's date in equal measure was an opportunity too well timed and golden for him to pass up - Nixon just hoped the boy dancing with him would be willing to co-operate with his ploy.​

 

[Arvel Ayers]

It didn't slip Arvel's notice that the boy seemed distracted. The way he kept glancing around the room made Arvel wonder if he was regretting asking him to dance, and that in turn kept Arvel from completely enjoying the experience. Maybe he was embarrassed. That was it: he was looking around to make sure nobody was watching them. Arvel's heart sank lower and lower, until he was ready to stop dancing and release the boy from his suffering. Then suddenly one of the boy's hands was on his, and Arvel found himself caught in the deepness of his eyes. "Arvel," he said hoarsely, suddenly realising how dry his throat was. "You?"

 

[Nixon Mercury]

Nixon's idea seemed more perfect by the second, a way for them to blend into the other couples on the dance floor but hopefully stand out to the one person Nixon wished was able to see because on a surface level it all seemed so unexpected. Liam had never once seen Nixon show interest in a girl, or boy, longer than agreeing they were attractive as his eyes were always trained to Liam, so dancing with a boy let alone kissing him in the middle of a school dance for the world to see was unheard of. Excitement rose in Nixon's chest the more he thought about his idea, certain that it was the best thing he'd ever conjured. Surely it would be the perfect means to what he prayed was a happy end, there was no way Liam wouldn't realize he returned Nixon's feelings if he saw exactly what he was missing out on. "Right, Arvel. I'm Nixon." He repeated the boy's name, hoping to remember it for later. For another moment his gaze returned to the hall surrounding them one last time in search of Liam, but quickly focused on Arvel again in time for him to ask his next question suddenly but tenderly, his thumb brushing over Arvel's hand. "Can I kiss you for a moment? Is that alright?" He stared into Arvel's eyes waiting for an answer, wishing in the back of his mind that the other boy would say yes and that all of this could be synchronized perfectly in time for Liam to spot what was happening.​

 

[Arvel Ayers]

Nixon. A quiver of a smile appeared on Arvel's lips, though it disappeared as yet again Nixon broke eye contact to look around. This time, Arvel looked as well, wondering if perhaps he could figure out what the boy was looking at. Nothing extraordinary seemed to be happening anywhere; all Arvel saw were dancers, swaying in time to the slow music, none of them particularly interested in what he and Nixon were doing. Perhaps Nixon was looking for somebody in particular. But who? And why? Did he expected them to be watching? The feeling that Arvel was being set up somehow crept over him again. He looked back at Nixon just as the elder boy returned his gaze to Arvel. The movement of Nixon's thumb across his hand brought goosebumps to his arms, and just like that he did not care if Nixon was playing a joke on him, as long as he didn't stop. Arvel's heart skipped a beat. Kiss him? Had he heard that correctly? Since his heart seemed to have climbed all the way up into his throat and gotten stuck there, he simply nodded in reply, unable to tear his gaze from Nixon's eyes. He wanted to make the move himself, but was paralysed in anticipation - and besides, he'd never kissed anybody before. What if he did it wrong? It was safer to let Nixon move first. He was the one who'd asked to kiss Arvel, after all.

 

[Nixon Mercury]

Valentine's day truly was a whirlwind, unending with his rose deliveries. Nixon couldn't have predicted the dramatic back and forth between sad and ecstatic during the day continuing throughout the dance but there he was, heart pounding heavily in his chest from excitement as he looked to Arvel contrasting the loneliness he felt when first approaching the other boy. As Arvel nodded to his question giving him the all clear to initiate a kiss Nixon wanted to jump up and down screaming his excitement aloud that his dream of being with Liam was one step closer to being realized. But instead he kept composure knowing this this was the moment to take action and no sooner leaned in to place his lips softy against Arvel's. When he pulled away, another smile broke out onto his face knowing his idea had become a reality. This would surely - no - absolutely instill jealousy in Liam, causing him to realize his feelings for Nixon in return and he and his best friend could live happily ever after in each other's lives. Caught up in the excitement of the charade and the charade itself, and wanting to secure the chance for Liam to spectate this display, Nixon quickly leaned in to kiss Arvel a second time, hand moving from the one on his shoulder to gently caress the boy's face. Two kisses would be easier to see rather than one and Nixon was happy for a third if the boy would let him, but he was pleased to settle for two as he was certain that would be enough.​

 

[Arvel Ayers]

As Nixon moved in, Arvel closed his eyes, lifting his face to meet the boy's lips. It was strange and slightly awkward and didn't feel much like he'd expected it to, but it wasn't unpleasant, and when Nixon pulled away Arvel was smiling back at him. That hadn't felt like a trick at all. Arvel had been silly to worry so much. When Nixon leaned in a second time, Arvel was prepared, meeting him half way to the kiss. His lips were dry and he had no idea what he was supposed to do with them and the whole thing was highly unromantic. Yet the closeness beckoned him, captured him, filled a void he hadn't known needed filling. Did this make him gay, he wondered? He certainly could have carried on kissing Nixon for some time. But at that moment, he didn't really care what it was - it felt nice, and that was all that mattered.

After a few seconds, Arvel drew back, opening his eyes. Reality was catching up with him, and the descent back to earth didn't feel anywhere near as good. "Um," he said. "I need to sit down." He really did. His legs felt like they were made of jelly and he'd been holding his breath without knowing it.

 

[Nixon Mercury]

Nixon felt as if he were on cloud nine, reveling in the success he believed he had when kissing Arvel. The consideration of how truly unrealistic his expectations were and the clear indication Liam was too far away from the dance floor to see him, and possibly not attending the dance at all wasn't one that played on Nixon's mind. He was too caught up in the experience and believing what he was doing was successful to think of anything other than himself and whatever was immediately around him to clue into the consequences of his actions, nevertheless the possibility none of this effort would amount to anything. The smile on Nixon's face as he pulled away from Arvel the second time faded to a frown caused by a mix of confusion and annoyance as the boy suddenly admitted he needed to sit down. Kissing Arvel with the realization it could make Liam jealous was one success, but Nixon would have preferred to keep the facade going and appear realistic by continuing dancing as normal, rather than pausing midway through a song. Though if something really was wrong Nixon did not want to be the reason it got worse and reluctantly complied for Arvel's sake. "Um, alright." Nixon responded, stepping away and removing all contact from Arvel to give him some air and more space to breathe if that was what he needed.​

 

[Arvel Ayers]

Arvel already felt a little better now that he'd begun to breathe again, but taking a step back from Nixon helped as well. Much as Arvel craved the contact, he needed to cool down, and could think of little else besides finding somewhere to sit. He found his table still empty and took the chair, fidgeting nervously with the cuff of his sleeve. What had seemed like such a good idea in the heat of the moment now burdened him with a new set of worries. Did Nixon think him a bad kisser? Had he made some mistake? - failed a test? And what came next? Had Nixon kissed him because he actually liked him, or was it all meaningless? They were practically strangers. Until then, Arvel hadn't even known he wanted to kiss a boy. It was too much to think about. Arvel pulled his sleeve right over his hand and drew it across his forehead, trying not to look up and see whether Nixon was coming over or not. He wanted him to come over. He wanted him to suggest they go outside together. He wanted to sit on the grass with Nixon, to be close to him again, maybe to share another kiss where nobody could see them. But Arvel was so used to disappointment that he defaulted to it before his hopes had a moment rise. So he didn't look up - instead, he fixed his gaze to the table, bouncing his leg to focus his nervous energy and distract himself from the questions he had no answers for.

 

[Nixon Mercury]

Nixon did not know what else to do other than allow Arvel to return to the table they were sitting prior to their dance, watching as the boy began to fidget nervously. He followed at his own pace, glancing over each shoulder in continuous search for Liam and finding once more that the slytherin was nowhere to be found. Swallowing the lump in his throat that began to rise when worry that this effort was for nothing started to set in, Nixon tried to remain calm, standing next to the chair Arvel was sat. As he continued to watch the other boy with confusion and annoyance, it became clear whatever problem Arvel was experiencing was not something he could help with. In fact it appeared that Arvel was more interested in staring at the table in another world than in anything Nixon could provide for him. It took a few more minutes of waiting before he deemed this interaction a loss instead of a success, and feeling the weight of it sink into his chest as well as an overwhelming instinct to run away, Nixon leaned down, placing his hand gently on Arvel's shoulder. He muttered a short, to the point, "I'm gonna go now," barely under his breath before standing back up to his full height and walking away almost as quickly. If spending time with Arvel to make Liam jealous meant standing on the sidelines of the dance in silence, Nixon did not want any part of it. Leaving seemed an easier reaction that left Nixon free to find Liam and gather his reaction which is all he really wanted.​