Closed how things change

Lilith smiled at both of his questions. Of course he'd think she'd called many others by her favourite star. "Nope you are the only one. I saved the name Antares for the right person. It wasn't necessarily conscious decision at first but when I gave you that name it felt right, still does. I never wanted to name anyone after it before, but you just seemed deserving of the title. I will say you have proven time and time again now that I did make the right decision, giving you that name." She explained truthfully. It was a name she had been saving for the right person, for someone like him. She could not put it into words, but it felt like an invisible thread had been between them even before they met and that their friendship was meant to be all along, maybe she was delusional but that was how she felt.

"Aand before you ask, no, I will never be naming another soul Antares. To be honest I never name people with a star I have already used, but especially not Antares." To her it made perfect sense so Lilith just shrugged at the end of that. Why would she ever name anyone else but her best friend, her first ever best friend Antares? No matter what happened, he'd always have a place in her hear, a special place. For being her first ever best friend and trusting her even though he had his doubts.
 
Eoghan didn't know what to think. Why did Lilith think he was the best-suited person for her favorite star? It wasn't a debate in his head because they'd been friends for so little length of time, but because he wasn't sure how it was that she looked at him and saw someone that deserved the title. Lili said it felt right for her and he believed that but what if she came to realise in a few weeks or months that Eoghan wasn't who she thought he was? It was a lot of pressure, to know that no one else had that name, and nor would anyone else in the future, and Eoghan didn't know if he was good enough to be deemed her favourite.

Turning his head away slightly, Eoghan didn't know what to say. He felt a little stuck between a rock and a hard place, even more so when he realised Lili had been calling him that for almost as long as they'd known one another. "I need to reply to my sister," he said after a few moments, leaning up to slide another spare piece of parchment from the back of the book where he'd stored it earlier, not sure if he even had the right words in his head for what else was going on around him at the moment.​
 
Lilith narrowed her eyes, something was off. Was it the name? Did he not like Antares? Did he not believe her? Was it foolish of her to ever give him the reason she called him that. No it wouldn't be, but something about the situation was off. The moment he switched to English that realization was set in stone, yeah something was off.

Lilith leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest. "Do you not like the name? Is that the issue? You'll have to talk to me if I did something wrong, you promised you would and the way you are acting right now is suggesting I did, you are avoiding. I can stop using Antares if that is what you want? You just have to talk to me and not shut me out." If he wanted to talk in English now then so be it, she would too, but he had promised her not even an hour prior he'd tell her if she did something wrong.
 
"You haven't done anything wrong," he said harshly, turning to look at her over his shoulder. "Trust me the way I trust you," he had told her, promised her that he would tell her if she had and yet here she was, doubting him again. He knew he was shutting her out, but it was only because he didn't even know how he was supposed to feel let alone know how he was meant to explain it to her. He was glad to be her favourite, wasn't he? If he was, why did the idea of it fill him with dread? Why did he feel like there was a burden on his shoulders that he didn't know how to carry? He should have been grateful that he'd made a friend at all, Imogen was so proud of him for crossing those lines and she would have told him he was being stupid if she was here. But that was just the problem wasn't it? She wasn't here. She never would be here and it was up to Eoghan to make sure that whatever he did and wherever he went, he didn't forget about the way that he was the only person she had too. How could he be selfish enough to be out here playing favourites when his sister didn't have that luxury? "I am avoiding it because I don't know how to.." how to what? Think, feel, speak? Guilt was forming in his stomach. ​
 
She did not understand what he was getting at not at all. She wanted to trust him, but how could she when he shut her out, when he refused to be honest and acted like she had just shoved a knife to his back. It was annoying and this was the reason she had kept the name Antares hidden, saved it for someone and even then she seemed to have messed that one up somehow. How was anything supposed to make any sense. She wanted to go home right now, didn't want to spend one more moment in this castle, she wanted to see her dogs.

"How to what? How to accept the fact that someone wants to be your friend, that you could actually be enough to be someone's favourite person without giving it in return. Me giving you the name Antares is not something I expect you to return, I name people after stars for myself and them. It is not something I expect to be returned so don't feel any pressure over that, it is just a nickname. Sure it is my favourite star and you are my best friend, but it comes with no responsibility, it is enough to me that you exist in my life." She had no idea how or where those words came from, but she also knew the way he thought so if it wasn't something she had directly done it had to be he thought of not being worthy of it. Or that there was a hidden responsibility behind the name, there was not. It was enough for her to know he existed in her life, was there when she needed him. She did not need to be put on pedestal, just have a friend in him and show her appreciation and care through the nickname.
 
One of the reasons Eoghan liked reading so much was because he liked knowledge. He liked to know things and when he didn't he felt confused and lost. Knowledge was easy, easy to read and store away ready for when it was needed, but emotions weren't like that. He didn't understand those and the deeper he got with Lili the less he seemed to understand about himself. He didn't know why this was so difficult, or why he couldn't just make friends like everyone else. He didn't expect he was the only one with bad experiences in his past but he didn't know anyone else who struggled the way he did.

The blond listened intently to her words, if not only because he didn't have any of his own to say in return. It surprised him to hear that just because she called him her favourite though, she didn't expect that in return. She was handing over titles and nicknames and care to someone even if it meant it wouldn't be reciprocated, and perhaps that was entirely why Eoghan felt as though she didn't deserve someone like him. Eventually, there would come a time when Lili realised she needed more from someone who would be able to give her everything she gave them, someone who didn't recoil at the thought of being important in her life. He was glad Lilith was grateful he was in her life, he was, but she would realise sooner or later that he wasn't good enough for her. Perhaps, until that time, he would just have to make the most of her being around and brace himself for the day that she told him she was finding a new best friend.

He leaned back in his chair, shoulder once again meeting Lili's. "That more or less covers it," he said quietly, still not really knowing what else there was for him to say. If it told her that he was glad she thought that way, she would be more inclined to put up with him if not only to prove a point, and if he told her that she should find a new friend, well in truth he didn't want her leaving him any sooner than was already planning to. "It's a nice name." Indifference would have to be what he settled on.​
 
Lilith let her body relax when he leaned back and said that had been what was going through his head, however her body tensed up again at the tone of indifference. It's a nice name. He had said, but his tone echoed different meaning. It would have been better if he had told her to get lost, told her his life would be better without her in it. Moving away from him she raised her chin, refusing to let any sign of hurt show.

"Nice name indeed, well I'll be seeing you around Eoghan." She said getting up from the couch, not even bothering with the word bestie. That was that, she didn't bother for more as she left the lounge, it had been quite enough for her now. Once was okay in a day, twice was not.
 
Eoghan had thought he was making the right choice but apparently not. It didn't matter what they'd previously said, it didn't stop Lilith from getting up and walking away from him, and to add insult to injury using his name just made him feel weird. He hated this. He had more important things to be doing than chasing after a girl who told him she understood him but acted otherwise, and he had bigger priorities to fix his friendships when classes that would change his life were at his feet. He hadn't had time to stop Lilith from leaving the second time, but he didn't make the effort to move. Instead, he picked up a quill so he could write to Imogen. No longer sure of the plans over Christmas he left them out entirely, but he wasn't going to keep his sister waiting too long for a reply. He wasn't here to deal with emotions, especially from someone that he knew deep down would eventually find someone better than him anyway. Pushing Lilith from his mind, Eoghan began to write.​
 
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