Heaven hear me, hold them safe

Estrella Drage

Obliviator for MACUSA | HNZ 1st Graduating Class
 
Messages
9,177
OOC First Name
Amanda
Blood Status
Half Blood
Relationship Status
Widow
Age
45
Estrella hurt. It hurt to move, hurt to breathe, hurt to think. At every moment she felt she would cry, though her eyes had dried out. She was surprised they hadn't collapsed back into her skull. The witch would have refused to eat, that was, if not for the two in her belly; she owed them a few months' residence.

The little things stung the most. There were many realizations to be had, and too much time to entertain them. Estrella had spent too many hours at her husband's grave to play make-believe. Jaken was dead and buried. He wasn't going to be there when she woke up in the morning, smiling like the world had just begun. He wouldn't be there to kiss his children goodnight. They would never hear another of his stories or have their daddy teach them how to ride a broomstick. And who was going to banish the monsters lurking under their beds and hiding in their closets?

Finally giving in to her grandfather's request, Estrella decided it would be a good idea to move to Norway for a while. She couldn't be mother when she couldn't take care of her own skin. There, she wouldn't be alone- not with Lily, Sumner, Sarah, and the house elves around- and there would be space.

The three Styx girls had traveled by train and other magical means. Apparation was out of the question. They entered the Herregard, shutting its doors on an old life. Estrella had volunteered to live in Limbo. She didn't expect to enjoy her stay, though she hoped her daughters could be happy.

A house elf relieved them of their few belongings. Olivia trailed her mother and sister into the dining room, dragging the pink dragon her Aunt Lily and Uncle Sumner had given her long ago by its tail. Estrella pulled out a chair for herself and placed Lydia on the table. The baby's interest was soon captured by a Norwegian newspaper, following the Karasjok Kites with a tiny finger. Lydia squealed and smacked the moving photo. Her older sister wasn't amused so easily anymore. With just one stuffed animal and her imagination, Olivia would do one of three things; become bored very, very quickly, get into trouble, or a combination of the two.
 
It had been months that Sumner and Lily had holed up in Norway after her quidditch accident. Her bones had healed, her injuries long gone, but yet they remained. The sadness that engulfed the former Ravenclaw consumed her every day, taking over her life. The guilt of what had happened dragged her down into a depth of dispair that she had never knew existed before. Even when her own family sent her off to school and said never to contact them again, she hadn't been this depressed. She was excited then, and now, well, this was different.

Moving through the hallways slowly, her hand resting on her stomach that was now too flat for her liking, she wandered aimlessly along. Lily wondered how her belly would have swollen by now. If not for that fateful game, she would have been about four months along and her stomach should have been growing. Sumner would have made an amazing father, she was certain, and this thought brought about a fresh set of tears flowing down her cheeks. How did she not even know that she was pregnant? Why did she not have any signs? Any clue at all? If she even had an inkling that she had a new life growing inside her, she never would have played that game against the Quafflepunchers. Lily never would have been on that broom, or tried that trick, or lost the baby in the accident. Sumner would never have had to explain to her that he was not mad at her for playing, or tell her they would try soon as she was able for another baby. She was mourning the loss of the child, her child, that she didn't even know she was carrying.

Peering in the library as she moved past, she saw Sumner and Valcan huddled together in the chairs that she now started to call theirs. They spent a lot of time together. Lily wasn't sure about that, but knew her recovery was not easy on her husband. Yes, he was still there for her and he supported her through it all, but the pain he was feeling was obvious to her. He tried not to show it, but she knew her love well enough to know when he was hurting. The loss of their child hurt them both.

Lily walked silently down the hall before she heard the sound. The squeel of a child. Tears poured down her cheeks harder than before. She thought she was hearing things again, but then that sound carried to her ears again. "Merlin, am I going crazy now too?" she muttered as she moved towards the source of the sound. She entered the dining room and stopped. There sat her sister-in-law and her nieces. She had heard from Sumner that Jaken had been killed and that they were coming to join them in Norway. Seeing them sitting there broke Lily's heart again. "Stray," was all she was able to say softly as she moved to take the seat next to her friend, not bothering to wipe the tears from her own face, and placed her hand on the older girl's hand.
 
Estrella drew in a steady breath, releasing it as her friend approached. She couldn't bring herself to smile. The former Ravenclaws were best friends; they saw each other as sisters. Nonetheless, Estrella didn't want to speak with anyone. In a time when she needed her friends and family most, she would rather push them away. She didn't want a shoulder to cry on. The woman had shed enough tears already; she wanted some control in a reality where control was a stick of butter, melting and slipping through her fingers.

"Hi, Lily," Estrella croaked, ashamed of her own weakness. While she turned her head, she didn't let go of her friend's hand. Estrella was afraid she would shatter if she did. It took some time before she looked at her again. She did not even recognize the distress that bubbled beneath Lily's skin. If she had seen that Lily was wrestling with demons herself, she might have been a bit more considerate.

"Have they fixed you up yet?"
 
Olivia was quick to attack the new arrival. She didn't remember her Aunt Lily, though would know her in no time. The curly-haired toddler was difficult to intimidate. She had no reason to be shy. Forcing her plush dragon to nap on the floor, she skipped to the blonde. Olivia clambered into Lily's lap without an invitation. She frowned as she observed her aunt. It didn't take a grown-up to realize that the woman was sad.

Doing what she did best, Olivia dragged her palms down the woman's cheeks, smearing the tears there. Olivia didn't like to see anyone cry. "All better!" she declared, hugging her aunt tightly and burying her face in Lily's shoulder. If that didn't cheer Lily up, nothing could. The little girl could hardly be happy unless everyone else was.
 
Lily was shocked at the condition of her friend, but even in her state of depression she was able to recognize her strength. The fact that she was sitting at the table seemingly stoic, not broken down like she was herself was a sure sign of that. The younger Ravenclaw didn't realize that Olivia was running around the room with her little dragon toy, her eyes were only for her friend and sister. Taking the seat next to the elder girl, she simply sat and held her hand, not really sure what to do other than be there. Grief was different for everyone. Her own grief over her lost child was all-consuming and nothing anyone had to say, even Sumner, made her feel any better. Lily had no idea what feelings Estrella was struggling with, so she did what had made her feel best so far -- she was just there.

As she heard the question posed, she wasn't quite sure what to say. Was she fixed? Physically, sure. She was better than ever. Emotionally? She was a long way from being fixed. Olivia chose that moment to climb up into her lap and in a move that not only touched Lily's heart and made her want to bawl even harder, the little girl wiped her tears. "Hi there Olivia," she said softly as she wrapped her free arm around the child. "How are you doing?" she asked her niece, but really was asking Estrella.
 
How am I doing? Lovely, thank you. Estrella bit back her bitterness and chewed on it for awhile. She would talk about anything, anything but Jaken. The problem was, everything was connected to her late husband. The links seemed to be everywhere, chaining her memories so tightly together that it was impossible to break through them all.

I'm doing great, Lily. Fine and dandy. Sighing, Estrella looked to her youngest. Babies weren't bothered by anything except dirty diapers, growling stomachs, and their own teeth. Estrella wondered if nine-month-olds could feel loss. If that was the case, then Lydia didn't know what she'd lost yet. At least Estrella didn't have to explain with Lydia- not right now, anyway. The witch was playing an entirely different Quidditch pitch when it came to Olivia.

When Olivia had asked where her daddy was the first time around, Estrella knew it wouldn't be the last. Estrella hadn't answered that question so far. No matter how she rearranged the words in her head, she couldn't bring herself to lie to her daughter. This toddler had a right to the truth. How could a mother bring up the subject of life and death without breaking her baby's heart?

"I'm- well, I'm what I can be at the moment," Estrella remarked, grabbing Lydia's foot. The baby giggled and pulled away. Estrella's smile all but dissolved as she recognized her husband's expression in that tiny face.

"And what about you, Lily? To be honest, I thought you'd be the heck out of here and back on the pitch by now." Estrella was secretly happy that Lily wasn't gone, pessimism put aside.
 
Lily snuggled with Olivia as much as the squirming child would allow. Holding her neice was always an adventure. She was a ball of energy and holding onto her was like holding onto a bludger. They always had a mind of their own. The little girl wiggled around until she finally gained her feet on the floor and was off and running in the room once again.

The silence between the women in the room was comfortable. The pair did not have to speak constantly when they were together, haven't had to since they were roommates years before. The question that broke the silence and directed itself at her was one that she was not prepared to answer just yet. She should have been back on the pitch months ago. The Warriors were playing with an alternate for now until she was able to take to the skies again. It wasn't that she was physically unable to play. Her injuries had healed before she was released from St. Mungos. Now, she was struggling to work through her emotions, the loss of her child was more important to her than playing the game that she and her husband both loved.

"Yeah, that," Lily started to speak. "I, well, there is more to my injuries than you know. I'm not ready to play just yet." She turned her face, trying not to let Estrella see the tears that threatened to fall again. She followed the movements of Olivia around the room to distract herself. "Honestly, I don't want to dump my stuff on you right now. You need to have a chance to relax and recoup. Have you been to your suite yet?" she asked, hoping that she covered her emotions well enough. Lily wasn't going to hide her own loss from her sister, but this was not the time for that. She didn't need to be helping her with her grief over her miscarriage when she needed to be coming to terms with her own loss of her husband.
 
Narrowing her eyes at her friend, Estrella leaned forward, catching her friend's hands before Lily could pull them away. Estrella's thumbs ghosted over Lily's own. The older of the two didn't bother to respond about her living quarters; she'd stayed here enough to know what was waiting for her. "Tell me," she demanded softly, diving for an answer in pools of sapphire blue. She'd been too selfish before to know that Lily needed to talk to someone. Estrella hadn't been there for her, even before the pregnant woman had rolled up in a web of her own problems. This type of thinking really wasn't stellar considering the situation she was in.

Estrella didn't like to be stubborn, but she could be a mule when needed. She straightened her back against the chair and waited for a response. "Tell me," she repeated, a little more gently this time. She'd sit here all night for an explanation if she had to.
 
Lily moved to pull her hands from Estrella's, but stopped. She knew that look that was in her friend's eyes and that she was not going to get out of this one, even though she was going to try. "Really, its not anything to worry about right now. We will have plenty of time to talk about things." She averted her gaze from her friend to her youngest niece and let a smile grace her face. "I cannot believe how big Lydia is getting," she said, trying to change the topic. Once glance at the older girl informed her that she was not going to get her way.

Sighing, Lily knew she was defeated. Estrella was as stubborn as any of the members of the Drage family. That had to be a hereditary trait. "I was pregnant when I fell. It was early enough yet that I didn't know. The baby didn't stand a chance against that bludger, let alone the fall from that height." A few tears began to fall again down her cheeks. "I never would have played that day if I had known. I should have known."
 
Any color that filled Estrella's cheeks dissolved to white. "Oh, Lily," she gasped, feeling absolutely wretched. Her friend had suffered loss and Estrella hadn't been there to comfort her. Hugging Lily was a task in itself; awkward and a pain where Estrella's belly and the table were concerned, but she did it anyway. The brunette wished she could hide her bump for just a while. She felt like she was rubbing her pregnancy in her best friend's face.

"I'm so sorry, Lily. I'm sorry," Estrella sobbed. Her own eyes were leaking now. She opened them to stare at Lily, blinking fiercely. "It's not your fault. Don't you ever blame yourself. You had no way of knowing." No way of knowing when they'll just fall away.
 
Lily's resolve to be strong for her friend fell as soon as Estrella placed her arms around her. The few tears that had begun to fall found that they had lots of company on both girl's cheeks. After a few minutes of crying, she spoke softly. "I know. Well, my mind does at least. My heart is another story. I should have known." Pulling back, her blue eyes met her sister's, heartbreak clearly defined in each of them. "Sumner would have been an amazing dad. He will be, someday. I know," she added before Estrella could correct her. "The healers said when I am ready we can try again, but until I get my heart to match my brain..." Her voice trailed off, knowing it was going to be a while before that happened.
 
Dabbing at tears with her collar, Estrella sniffled and coughed. She wasn't feeling well all of a sudden. Of course, she hadn't been in good shape since she'd been widowed, but this was a sickening feeling. She was here, and this was real. Estrella and Lily had lost what could never truly be replaced. The suggestion that Lily could "try again" later disgusted Estrella; did everyone think they could just mosey down to the market and pick out a new baby, or a new husband, perhaps?

Lydia was oblivious to their grief. Getting a handful of paper, she shrieked as she tore the Karasjok Kites in two. Giggling, she dumped the scrap of paper into Lily's lap. The nine-month-old then took to shredding the rest of the newspaper, leaving bits and pieces for someone else to clean up.

Shaking her head and smiling sadly at her youngest, Estrella focused again on her friend. She hadn't realized that Olivia had slipped out of the room long ago. "There was no way you could have been prepared for something like that, Divination be damned," Estrella commented, "You're going to get through this, Lily. I'm here for you. We're all here for you."
 
"We will get through this together," Lily said, staring down the elder girl as she picked up the paper scrap from her lap. She couldn't help but smile as her Goddaughter shredded the newspaper into little pieces. Wiping the remaining tears from her cheeks, she looked around for Olivia and realized she was out of the room. "Um, speaking of together, we may want to look for your oldest troublemaker before she wanders someplace she isn't supposed to be." She pushed her chair back from the table and stood up, reaching over and picking up Lydia in the process.
 
Sniffling noisily, Estrella pushed in her chair. She wasn't surprised by her daughter's disappearance. Olivia might as well make herself at home; Merlin knew her mother couldn't. Estrella could already imagine the tiny tot had conned someone out of their candy by now. The woman reasoned that it was better for her daughter to get into mischief than ask the wrong questions.

Following Lily out of the room, Estrella was silent. Worry about her child was the smallest bruise on her brain. The witch had to seek an escape from her nightmare.
 

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