Final Straw

[Monty Pendleton]

The Slytherin versus Hufflepuff match was proving a lengthy one, both for those on the broomsticks and in the stands. But nobody seemed to feel the impact of its length as one particular boy did. Even at his distance Monty could tell Reuben was upset, and consequently he found it incredibly difficult to concentrate on enjoying the match. The Hufflepuff had become increasingly taciturn of late, returning half-hearted homework and barely looking up during lessons. He'd never been quite so gregarious as his brother Rudolf, but he had once not so long ago been cheerful, and the steady decline in his attitude was disconcerting. The final straw was when he fled the quidditch pitch in tears. Monty swiftly descended to the grounds and followed him up to the castle, finally catching him in the corridor. "Reuben?" he called, jogging the final distance. He encouraged the boy gently toward an empty classroom. "Come on, come in here."

 

[Reuben Pendleton]

Reuben quit. He was an awful, awful captain - even Graeme would have been disappointed in him, he was certain. Was there anything he could do right? Not charms, or flying, or making friends. Hardly an hour had passed in four whole years that the Hufflepuff hadn't been desperately homesick, and every failure and disaster had culminated to this. Nobody wanted him on the team. He knew it. He'd made a mockery of himself. Lestat was right: Mason had made the wrong choice, and Reuben had well and truly proved it.

He changed back into his robes in record breaking speed and took off for the castle, hot tears rolling down his face. Just as he reached the first floor a familiar voice halted him in his tracks. Professor Pendleton. Well, if anybody had to see him this way, he supposed his Potions professor was the least traumatic. The man had helped him with such determination that he'd achieved his first O in his subject - a feat he had never imagined himself capable of. But this was different. This was silly, emotional stuff, and that was embarrassing. Reuben wiped his eyes, keeping his head bowed, but acquiesced in Professor Pendleton's suggestion. Once inside the classroom, the dam broke; he burst into floods of tears - sobs that erupted from the deepest recess of his chest. He buried his face in his hands, willing himself into invisibility. This wasn't supposed to happen here. He'd meant to hold onto it until he'd thrown himself beneath his duvet, where nobody could see how badly he was hurting. But he'd held onto it for too long, and now not even his Herculean willpower could hold it back.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty stood in silence, feeling helpless. He wondered for how long the boy had been holding this in. And what, precisely, was 'this?' Certainly an overreaction to performing poorly in a Quidditch match, which led the professor to doubt this was the sole cause of his tears. A young Monty himself had quit Scotland's Ravenclaw team after a match in which he believed he had let his teammates down, and the real issue had lain far deeper than a fear of failure or humiliation. Perhaps it was nothing. Perhaps Reuben was simply sensitive, or still grieving the loss of his younger brother and therefore inclined to cry. But what if it wasn't? Reuben's decline had been a gradual and steady one. If there was anything on his mind, he needed to understand that the castle had a vast number of support systems available to him.

After a moment Monty conjured a tissue, offering this to him. "Reuben," he said, "you mustn't berate yourself for this. Not for the game, and certainly not for feeling this way. You've absolutely nothing to be ashamed of." The professor ventured a little way into the classroom, drawing up a chair. "Would you like to talk to me?"

 

[Reuben Pendleton]

Reuben tried to stem the flow of tears, and failed. How did Professor Pendleton know he was beating himself up about the match? He supposed it was fairly obvious, what with him spending half of it in tears and then fleeing the scene the moment it had ended, but he was still surprised the man had noticed. He released a choked sob, feeling even worse for being told that he shouldn't be ashamed. Of course he should! He'd let everybody down, made a fool of himself, and now he was crying in front of the only professor he cared to appear strong in the eyes of.

Warily the Hufflepuff accepted the tissue and advanced into the classroom, opting to lean on the edge of a desk, rather than take a chair. "I do," he cried. "I let everybody down. I can't do anything right. Mason picked me as a captain and he should have picked somebody else! I don't want to do it any more. I just want to go home."

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty sat down, keeping his eyes trained on the boy as his pent up worries burst out of him. "Oh, Reuben," he said, when he'd finished. The Potions Professor was all too familiar with feelings of inadequacy, and how such thoughts could quickly spiral out of control if not carefully managed. Of course, managing such thoughts required one to first possess the necessary tools to do so, which no young teenager could be expected to obtain by themselves. Even Monty had only truly comprehended the unconscious workings of his brain by extensive research into psychology, inspired by all that he had endured.

And then there was the matter of homesickness. Once more Monty could sympathise; he had even gone as far as to feel homesick while he was at home, as if he belonged not to his own world, but those that he had invented in order to escape. It was a horrendous feeling, and Monty prayed that Reuben's suffering had not reached the same extent. "You haven't let anybody down," he said. "For how long have you been feeling this way?" Monty wondered if Sloane was aware of it - or even better, Daniel.

 

[Reuben Pendleton]

Reuben shrugged meekly, wiping his eyes again and refusing to look up. "A while," he admitted quietly. In truth, he could hardly remember a time he hadn't felt at least a little overshadowed by his brother. The issue had simply escalated since the pair had come to Hogwarts. Well, it was difficult not to feel substandard when your twin was so much better at everything than you. Where Rudolf got O's, Reuben got A's. Where Rudolf got A's... well, Rudolf didn't get A's, so that was beside the point. But there was something else bothering the Hufflepuff - something he couldn't name, or place, or express in words. Something that bothered him much more than his grades. After all, he could work on the farm, or with animals. He didn't need grades for those sorts of things. So what was it?

"I just..." he started, thinking he might have found the words to explain, and then realising he hadn't. "It's not even about Quidditch. I mean, I shouldn't be captain, and I have let everyone down - they all hate me - but... I don't know!" Reuben covered his face again, relapsing into fresh tears.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

In Monty's experience, 'a while' usually meant 'longer than I'd like to admit.' This, he decided, was definitely beyond his hands; he could offer Reuben an ear, but he was by no means qualified to provide the kind of support he needed. That was what the school counsellor was for. But directing the boy immediately to Daniel's office seemed tactless, not to mention unlikely to be successful.

As Monty was composing his reply, Reuben spoke again, rendering what he'd planned to say irrelevant. He let the boy finish, growing increasingly concerned, and then said gently, "It's OK. Reuben, I can't begin to imagine the courage this is taking you." Actually, he could, because he'd never been so brave himself. "It's so easy to... to bottle things up, because you're afraid that... nobody will be able to make sense of all those thoughts running through here." Monty tapped his temple. "But I assure you, no matter how terrible or incomprehensible it may seem, it's rarely as awful as we suppose it. Now, I have a duty of care which obligates me to tell somebody if I think you might be in danger. Otherwise, you have my complete and utter confidence. Nothing you say will leave this room. Does that help?"

 

[Reuben Pendleton]

Reuben sniffed, but his nose was so blocked it did little to alleviate the pressure. He breathed through his mouth instead, fixing his gaze somewhere on the floor. Professor Pendleton was right: it was taking him a lot of courage not to run straight out of the door. But he couldn't even make sense of his own thoughts. How could he possibly expect somebody else to?

"I'm OK," he assured his professor, sniffing again and using the tissue to wipe his face. He didn't want anybody thinking he was in danger. Confused was all he was - and perhaps a little lonely. "But sir, I don't even know what's wrong. If I did, I'd tell you. I just..." Could he talk to his professor about this? He wanted to tell someone, anyone, so desperately that it suddenly became worth the risk of embarrassing himself. "I thought I was gay," he said, the words feeling foreign in his mouth, as if somebody else was talking for him while he listened. "A-and I guess I might be? I-I really like this one boy. I'm just, I'm really confused, and, and... all these things are happening and I don't like it!" The Hufflepuff had begun shaking. Professor Pendleton was going to think he was crazy.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty nodded, feeling less and less equipped to help Reuben the longer he continued. Of course, the professor supported entirely all sexualities, but never having himself struggled with confusion could not fully empathise with the Hufflepuff's situation. "Well, that's all right," he said. "Not all right that you're upset - but it's perfectly okay to be gay. Nobody's made you feel otherwise, have they?" After confirming that they hadn't, he said, "Listen - and it is only a suggestion - but as I can see you're coping with so many things, why don't I have a word with our school counsellor? I wouldn't repeat anything you've told me - only ask if he might be able to have a few sessions with you. I really think you've been tremendously brave in opening up to me, but unfortunately I just can't provide you with the kind of support I feel you might benefit from. I wish I could, Reuben. But Daniel is lovely, and very understanding. What do you think?"

 

[Reuben Pendleton]

Reuben shook his head quickly. Nobody had made him feel bad, because nobody really knew. Charlotte might have guessed it, but otherwise Professor Pendleton was the first person he'd told. He blushed, feeling stupid for having thought his Potions professor was the right person to talk to. "OK," he mumbled, because he was tired of coping with everything all by himself. "Thanks. Sorry, sir."

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty's sigh of relief was short lived. He was incredibly glad Reuben had agreed to let him speak to Daniel, but he was horrified to think that he'd made Reuben feel bad for opening up to him. "No, don't be sorry!" he said sadly. "I'm pleased you spoke to me. Really. And I will always be here should you need to again. Only, whilst I'm happy to listen, I can't always offer anything back in terms of support. That's what Daniel's for - all right?"

Having cleared that up, Monty moved on - or rather, backtracked. "Now, as for Quidditch, I don't want you feeling as if you've let anybody down. Easier said than done, I know; believe me, I've first-hand experience. You know, at your age I was a chaser, too! One day, during the final, I missed eight shots in a row. We lost the game by ten points. I kept thinking, if only I'd scored once or twice - even passed the quaffle to somebody else - Ravenclaw would have been victorious. I was so disappointed in myself that I left the team. And to this day, I still regret it. Because Reuben, I wasn't a bad player. I simply had a bad day. And so did you. Your team needs you. I've seen you up there on a good day; you love Quidditch. So don't let anybody tell you Mason chose the wrong captain - least of all you."

 

[Reuben Pendleton]

Reuben nodded, not completely convinced he hadn't been a nuisance to Professor Pendleton, but a little comforted by his assurance. Then the man began about Quidditch, and Reuben looked up for the first time to stare. Professor Pendleton had been a chaser? He vaguely recalled his participation in the staff versus students match, but Reuben hadn't been on the Hufflepuff team then. He wiped his face, even more surprised to hear that the professor he'd always thought was confident and self-assured had once been just like him. Self-condemning, and afraid of being a disappointment. Because he was at risk of crying again, Reuben said quickly, "Thank you, sir." He pushed himself away from the desk he'd been leaning on. "I'm... I'm gonna go..."