Fate is a mistress of desire

Erik nearly protested as Lou pulled away from him. Lou was too sweet, too kind. A person like Erik didn't deserve Lou. He reached for the back of Lou's neck, pulling him in closer.
 
Lou smiled, kissing Erik sweetly before pulling back. "Erik," he scolded gently, running his hand lightly along the mans jaw. "You can't avoid me forever," he brushed his thumb over Eriks cheek, swiping at the tears.
 
Sighing, Erik looked over at Lou. He settled his hand on Lou's hip. Erik still didn't want to talk. You avoided me for six months, he wanted to snap back. But he was the one in the wrong here. He was the screw-up, and always would be. "I- you're different," he said, changing the subject. He moved his free hand through Lou's beard, his shaggy hair.
 
Lou shut his eyes, leaning into Eriks touch. He was silent a moment as he tried to think of what to say. "Erik…" Lou sighed softly. "You hurt me. Terribly." He spoke slowly, trying to say everything properly. "I really thought that there was something… that we were something. That I meant something more to you." Lou reached out, running his fingers lightly along Eriks skin in absent patterns. "I was broken. It was… it was bad. I collapsed in the fields one night and no one found me until the next morning."

Lou shut his eyes, not enjoying the memory. "I was told… I was told that I had to find someone else to move on. I didn't know what else to do." He bit his lip, worry creasing his brow. "I was with a man. I went out to the bar, and Armand found me. He was attentive, vocal. I think he was a sugar baby," Lou almost laughed. It had taken leaving Armand to realize what he was. Lou turned to look at Erik, a heady mix of sadness and longing in his eyes. "I tried to move on. But even with someone else in my arms I called your name." He admitted, wincing. Poor Armand had taken it in stride. "I knew then that I couldn't forget you."

Lou looked up to the ceiling. "I wanted to reach out. To find you. I have for a long while." He hesitated before sighing. "I was afraid at first, because I knew I needed to be mad at you, but… I knew if I saw you I wouldn't be." He let out a shaky breath. "I was worried I waited too long. I thought you were done with me. That I didn't matter to you anymore." He admitted slowly, shaking his head. "I forgave you a long time ago, Erik," Lou admitted gently. "I just… I just thought you had found something better than… than the stupid farmer boy," he looked away, sadness and doubt twisting his gut. Even now, he knew that logically he should have left Erik at the bar. But Lou knew he couldn't ever do anything else.
 
Erik took a deep breath as Lou shared his feelings, his pain. He could feel the tears coming on. “Lou, we were something. You didn’t imagine that.” His voice was shaking. Erik knew he’d wronged Lou, terribly. He winced when Lou described his collapse in the fields. Erik let Lou talk, trying not to lose his own composure again.

His mouth was dry as he spoke again. “You still matter to me, Lou. You’re not just a farmer. But you’re right. You should be mad at me. You shouldn’t forgive me.” He turned his face to the side. “You deserve someone much more stable than me. Who hasn’t crushed your heart.”
 
Lou shook his head, reaching over and catching Erik up in another kiss. "We should work this out," he whispered against Eriks lips. "Don't I deserve that? A chance with the man I adore?" He asked, running his fingers into Eriks hair. "Stay here. With me. You can still go to therapy. You can visit your family. I'll take care of you, we can work this out together." He pleaded, his hold on Erik tightening. "Please, please stay." He pleaded, before kissing Erik again.
 
Erik's stomach sank into his feet. Lou talked like this was easy. Yes, and he cared for Lou. But the chance to repair things had to be too good to be true. Erik needed to work on himself before he even thought about another relationship. He sighed, kissing Lou back and trying to do it with more energy than he felt. "I'm a mistake, Lou," he murmured, wrapping his arms around Lou's lower back. He meant that in every way. It had been a mistake he'd been born, according to the monster he would never call Mother.
 
Lou growled. "Don't you dare talk like that," he growled again, kissing him. "You've made mistakes Erik but you are not a mistake," he leaned down, burying his face in Eriks neck and holding him tightly. "You have no idea what you've done for me, Erik. What you mean to me. Don't you ever tell me you're a mistake." He pressed kisses over every inch of skin he could reach.
 
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Even though he wasn't convinced, Erik didn't protest against Lou. He had missed Lou terribly. But he'd made up his mind. He kissed Lou on the forehead and sat up. Purposely, he didn't make any promises. Lou was kind for trying to build him up. "You're too sweet, Lou. Can we settle down for the night?" he asked, feeling exhausted. And really wanting to sleep now that he'd been put in an even more impossible situation.
 
Lou sighed softly, holding Erik tighter for several moments before loosening his hold. He nodded, agreeing quietly. He felt worn out himself. He yawned, holding up the blankets for Erik, a silent invitation to be held.
 
A sadness crept over Erik. Lou made him feel so safe, secure, and wanted. But he knew that this wasn’t right. Not now. Erik kissed Lou softly, watching as his beautiful lashes fluttered shut. Erik fell asleep curled up against his lover.

Just after dawn, Erik woke up. He couldn’t fall back asleep. The sour feeling in his stomach wouldn’t go away. He didn’t want to leave, but he needed to leave. If he didn’t head out soon, it would be so much harder for Lou. He knew Lou was going to suffer either way- whether he stayed, whether he left now, or whether he left tomorrow. Best to make a clean break and hope Lou would have the heart to forgive him after he managed to set his head straight.

He slipped out of bed, careful not to wake Lou. He so wanted to kiss him, to say goodbye. However, that was the opposite of what he should do. With his heart drying out and crumbling to dust, he grabbed his wand and wallet from the nightstand, leaving his clothes on the floor. After a moment’s hesitation, he snatched Lou’s sweater, holding it to his body as he tiptoed downstairs.

Erik knew Lou would be angry with him. Distraught. Disappointed. He opened his main suitcase, putting on a fresh set of clothes. He slipped Lou’s sweater over his head and put on his shoes. Erik left the rest of his possessions untouched- his cauldron, his supplies, his second suitcase. In a way, he thought it was a promise. He would come back, if Lou would have him. But Erik needed to take care of himself first.

He left Lou a note on the table. In it, he enclosed Evan’s address in Ontario. With some thought, he drew a simple sketch of a butterfly next to his name.

Dear Lou,

I need to go. I need to take care of myself, and right now, it’s the least selfish thing I can do. I want to stay. But it wouldn’t be fair to you, or me, if we tried to restart a relationship now. I’m sorry to break your heart again.

Give me a few months to get things straightened out. I hope you’re alright with me leaving a few things behind. If you want nothing to do with me from here on out please ask Olivia to pick them up. That said, I hope you’ll have it in you to forgive me, and want me to come back.

I will be staying at my sister Evan’s. Her address is below if you want to write.

I’m glad we got to see each other again.

Love,
Erik

Trying not to break out into sobs, Erik kissed the letter, set it on the table, and gathered his things. He disapparated and left his lover behind.
 
Lou smiled softly, curling up closely to his love. He fell asleep easily, and he slept more peacefully than he had in a long time. It was late morning by the time he stirred again.

Lou rolled over, his outstretched fingers coming up empty. His brow furrowed. What? He yawned, sitting up and brushing his hair back. “Erik?” Lou yawned, not worried at first as he found the clothes on his floor. But his dread and worry grew as he searched the house. “Erik?” He spoke again, his voice breaking as it echoed in the empty corridors of his house.

Lou knew before he found the note that he was alone. He sat at the table, tears already threatening to spill over. It took him several long minutes to get through the note. He was crying as soon as he recognized the handwriting, sobbing by the time he’d finished it. The note fluttered to the floor as Lou buried his head in his hands. He wasn't sure how long he cried, allowing himself to wallow in his own self pity.

Eventually, his shaking shoulders stilled, and his tears had dried… at least for a moment. He let out a deep sigh, his entire body feeling heavy, and forced himself to stand. He had work to do. His house was a mess, and if he was going to keep his sanity there were a lot of changes yet to be made. He couldn't sit crying like a babe at the kitchen table forever. He swiped at his cheeks and turned to trudge up the stairs. He could start with a shave and some clean clothes.
 
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