Closed Confronting Fears: A Guide On What Not To Do

[Aine Thompson]

Aine was in part grateful that she didn't have to take on Transfiguration this semester. In a perfect world, it would have meant that she needn't worry about all the existential questions the subject brought up, or the dread the professor inspired. Unfortunately, Aine had committed herself to learning the art of occlumency. As intimidating as Professor Styx was, he had seen some worth in her and agreed to teach her. That alone was enough to remind Aine that she had an obligation to prove him right, even if it meant proving herself wrong. Or was she proving herself right? Sometimes it was hard to know. Her inner voice seemed to fluctuate in what it actually wanted.

The end goal, being able to maintain her mind as her own and prevent anyone from tampering with it, was a goal Aine was determined to achieve. Often she would waver or slacken, but this was something she definitely wanted to do. And if it meant trying to stay calm in the face of Professor Styx and not have her protective resolve crumble, then so be it.

It just so happened that that was much easier said than done.

Swallowing all of her pride and as much of her fear as she possibly could, Aine approached the professor's office and knocked on the door, shifting in place to make sure she was standing up straight and wasn't in too much of a mess. "Hello, Professor," she called, politely. "I'm here for my lesson." She wouldn't run away. She was going to master this, no matter what it took to get there.

 

[Kalif Styx]

Styx had a couple of years to teach this time around, which he was working on reworking some to be more serious and less fun. Styx just could not work that way. It was humiliating, and Transfiguration was a difficult course. It was time that the students learned how harsh it could be. However, today's schedule was not teaching Transfiguration at all, but Occlumency to a Hufflepuff muggle-born named Aine Thompson. He had no reason to hate muggle-borns. He did not care. He saw her worth, and she had yet to truly fail. Styx himself struggled to master Occlumency but he learned decades ago. Not when he was a teenager. He leaned against his desk as he waved toward the door as Aine's voice called out. The door swung inward to welcome her into his bleak office.

"Come in and sit down, Thompson," Styx wasted no time in ordering and gesturing her to the chair in front of him. One of the best things about teaching Occlumency was how much he could push the students. He could make them quit if he so choose, if their will was easily severed. "After your OWLs, your mind should be freed up from some of the stress, I assume. The same procedure is applied. Block my attempts to read your mind. You have to shut down all thoughts and emotions. A blank slate, if you will." Styx doubted that he should use his full power on her, since she was still a novice. He was highly skilled. "Whenever you are ready."

 

[Aine Thompson]

Aine appreciated that Professor Styx didn't go in for small talk. Granted, perhaps it might have helped her to relax, but by the same token she wasn't sure Professor Styx was even capable of putting anyone at ease. It didn't seem like something that he was interested in doing, or needed to. In a way, Aine kind of admired the sheer force of personality that commanded attention and respect even without saying a word. It just happened that it was also incredibly intimidating and despite everything, Aine could feel her palms sweating and her heart rate rising as she quietly took a seat.

Aine almost opened her mouth to argue about the lack of stress - namely, when was she not stressed about existence - but thought better of it. She had no desire to draw the professor's ire. "Thank you," she simply said, politely nodding and not keen to waste too much of his time. It was one thing to know she had to try and block with her mind, it was another to actually succeed at it. Aine would try, though, and try again no matter how many times it took until she mastered this. She shut her eyes, drawing in a deep breath. "I'm ready."

She was sort of ready, at least - the self-preservation instinct kicking in was a double edged sword. It was like a voice screaming at her not to let anyone take control of her, begging her to fight, to run. And yet, it was that part of her that Aine feared people seeing or hearing. She already struggled enough to fit in, to not do things to alienate herself from her peers. She didn't need people thinking she was aggressive or violent or generally just...not normal. Fear was a strange thing, especially when that fear was self-inflicted.

 

[Kalif Styx]

Styx was relieved that Aine did not try to chat him up over anything. Styx hated that sort of talk, but he knew for sure that some other professors would love to hear about their students’ breaks. Styx couldn't care less. Their personal lives had nothing to do with him. All he cared about was doing his job. He did hear about some rumors that he cursed the Defence Against the Dark Arts class with their new turnover rate. That was humorous. Styx stared at the Hufflepuff prefect as she said that she was ready. She seemed relaxed enough, but even now, he furrowed his eyebrows as he started to use his Legilimency. He could read that she was afraid. The typical teenage stuff. He sighed as he stated, “Your mind is loud. You need to let go of all fear if you want to succeed. Improving, but still have not blocked me.” Styx unfolded his arms from his chest to grip the desk as he stood up straight. “Let go of all that fear of ‘fitting in’ and such. You are working to master a skill that very few have succeeded in, so you are leagues ahead of your peers.” Styx took out his wand, to make a more aggressive attempt into her head. “Don’t have that little voice in the back of your head speak. Shut everything down, and then I’ll go again.”

 

[Aine Thompson]

Part of Aine wanted to whine, to exclaim in exasperation about how much she was trying to silence it but it wasn't at all easy. No doubt he could sense her frustration, like some kind of Sith Lord (Conor had gotten her to watch a whole heap of Star Wars movies over the break). Aine briefly wondered if she could play the scrolling opening text in her head as some kind of curtain over her thoughts. But although she was foolish, and somewhat childish, she did have some sense of self-preservation. There was no point in actually arguing with Professor Styx, or being petulant. Logically, he couldn't actually cause her any real physical harm, as there were almost certainly laws against it. But she didn't doubt he'd find a way to make her life utterly miserable.

Although, if she actually listened, she'd pick out the odd compliment of her ability. So, she just took a deep breath. Shut up, she thought, directing it at the voice of self-doubt. It wouldn't necessarily stop it, but she could try and quell it just a bit. You can't even decide whether you think I can or can't do this, so just let me try without your bloody opinions. She wasn't sure if it worked, it didn't seem to be actively arguing though she knew shutting it down wouldn't be that easy. "Okay. This should be a little better." Maybe if she convinced herself, it would work.

 

[Kalif Styx]

Styx assumed that she was probably having a mental battle with herself. That was what he had to endure himself, though his father was harsh with it. His mother was the one that taught him how to block out his mind, and the trick was not to be emotional. His temper had greatly decreased since then, and it took a lot longer to ignite his fuse. Styx was patient too, which was why he remained in utter silence as she worked to shut her mind up. Surely, she could find something in her mind to help soothe that annoying little voice in there. Shame he was not a counselor. He was positive that he didn't have a voice like that, even when he was a teenager. He had not been a teenager in over seven decades, so he long forgot what it felt like.

He was convinced that he was always a mature adult. It was the only explanation. "A little better? We will see about that." Styx smirked subtly, and looked at her eyes to see it for himself. It was better, that was certain. He was skilled but kept it at a point of most Legilimens that might encounter Aine in the future. Perhaps he should tell her to block out something small. "It is improving. You'll need to work on that little voice back there before the next session. I considered extracting your childhood memories today, but I have a feeling that might be too much. Instead, I'll give you a sheet to help stabilize your mind." Styx gestured with his hand for a sheet of parchment to levitate from the shelf and to his gloved hand. "I personally wrote out how to shut down a Legilimens. This is my mother's technique." He held it out to her, which was likely better than any book at the store. "Even I have a hard time breaking through her shields."

 

[Aine Thompson]

swans in a month later oops, sorry if it's no good I can change if needed

Realistically, Aine had nothing really serious to fear with bringing up childhood memories. Unless it was possible to pass away from embarrassment. Surely if that were possible, Aine would have perished a long time ago. And yet, the mundanity of embarrassing moments and the negative aspects of herself that would be brought up was enough to make Aine feel fearful. All the little things, moments that jumped to the forefront of her mind without even trying. Being laughed at, the odd looks people gave when she talked, lonely lunches...it was just as though all the meaningless minor negatives flickered across her mind, even though she was supposed to be pushing them down and blocking external force out. Ironically, she might as well have been waving a neon sign inviting Professor Styx to draw out her memories instead of pushing him away.

Are you just going to prove that you're a mistake?

Aine swallowed, biting back the urge to say something that would get her in trouble - she didn't fear Professor Styx for the obvious reasons, but it was the fear of letting anyone get too close to cut deeply. It was why, if she thought about it, she was probably most genuinely fearful of Cameron out of everyone in the year level, even though she knew she was objectively better at magic than he was. At least Professor Styx wasn't continuing while her brain was betraying her. She nodded as she looked over the parchment. "Thank you, Professor," she said, trying to hold back the oncoming headache. "I'll...keep working at it."

 

[Kalif Styx]

Styx figured that she might want to keep some of the childhood memories a secret. Aine Thompson did not seem like she suffered from abuse, but he could imagine that there would have been some cringe moments. Styx did not bother trying to dig any of those out of her mind, since he did not want to see that today. He could attempt that after she worked the method that he gave her to succeed. His mother was a master at Occlumency, which she needed to survive in her family before she took it over. It was admirable, but luckily, no one he knew had to deal with such things, even in the pureblood lines. Someone with a background like Aine Thompson would never know, and likely never will know unless someone educated her on it. He had a feeling that she might be developing a headache, so he went to his desk, bent down and opened a drawer to pull out a small vial. “This will help with the headache,” Styx set it on the desk and slid it toward her, but sat down. “I’ll see you again in a week. I won’t go easy on you next time.” Styx knew that alone would be a warning for her to buckle down.